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To ask, do your kids always come before your needs and wants?

112 replies

RollOnNextYear · 01/12/2019 17:13

Just want to give dh the mixed views that will prob get on here.
We always put the kids first but lately with house move and kids. I've let my wardrobe and everything slip.
To the point I put my trainers on yesterday and they split. (due to a foot issue trainers is mainly all I can wear) my other trainers the insole has come out and was threadbare. And one of them things I kept forgetting to get. My clothes are also in need of replacing. However I'm due dc 3 in 8nweeks so had tried to avoid it. But the everyday comfy leggings etc are faded badly.. I can only Order online as my town only. Has h&m that sells maternity clothes and that's very sparce. So easy to online order.
My hair also hasn't been trimmed or dyed since June.
I don't physically have the time for that except weekends and always hectic with kids.. I'm. Not bothered.

DH has just got quite Pissed off that I've let My stuff get that bad.. I genuinely didn't notice until yesterday.

He said for once put yourself before the kids and everything else. I can't. I'm not programmed that way. I can't help it. My mum did the same with us.

We also recently moved so the morning I have sparw when kids are not here I've been in for workmen etc so haven't even had time to go into the town for trainers or hair cut even if I had thought or wanted to.

I said I'm sure there's lots of parents in this situation but he seems to think not.

This weeks task is to attempt town grr.

OP posts:

Jodie77 · 01/12/2019 17:17

There needs come before my needs but there wants do not.

So if they need shoes I'd get them shoes. But if I need shoes and they want new shoes but don actually need them, I would get myself shoes.


sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/12/2019 17:18

I would 100% put the kids needs before mine. However if you are doing or buying things that the kids don't actually need and neglecting yourself as a result then your DH is correct. Surely he can have the kids for an hour or so whilst you get your hair done. Or what about a mobile hairdresser.


EskewedBeef · 01/12/2019 17:18

It sounds like you've forgotten about yourself, rather than purposefully put the children's needs before your own. Your husband is being kind by reminding you to not play the martyr I think. Get yourself some decent shoes and clothes, presumably there's nothing stopping you from having a half hour online to get some stuff ordered.


ISmellBabies · 01/12/2019 17:19

The kida always come first.


SylvanianFrenemies · 01/12/2019 17:19

I think there's a difference between putting kids first, and being a martyr, and you are perhaps drifting over that line.

However, if you are genuinely completely happy in your clothes, hair etc, it is not for your husband to dictate. But I think in general a certain standard (e.g. Clothes not worn through) shows respect for yourself and your partner. This applies equally to men and women.


UniversallyUnchallenged · 01/12/2019 17:21

Jodie 77

That’s it for me, needs always first and met

Rest- 🤷‍♀️Variable


sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/12/2019 17:21

How can anyone genuinely be happy in broken trainers and not 1 but 2 pairs?


Loopytiles · 01/12/2019 17:23

Poor self care isn’t good parenting.


JoGose · 01/12/2019 17:23

Exactly as @Jodie77 said. Their needs before my needs and their wants before my wants, but not their wants before my needs


noworlater13 · 01/12/2019 17:25

There's a huge difference in wearing damage clothes and foot wear and choosing to buy a new dress instead of what your dc need.
Especially because your pregnant you should take care of yourself so you can take care of lo.


Settlersofcatan · 01/12/2019 17:25

No. I prioritise myself some of the time.

I don't think it's healthy to think you don't deserve shoes that aren't falling apart


HavelockVetinari · 01/12/2019 17:26

Needs come before ours but not wants. DS would be thrilled if one of us was a SAHP, but neither of us would be happy with that, and we have a huge mortgage to pay! He does enjoy nursery, and it's good for him, but he prefers to be with Mummy and Daddy.


PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 17:27

I think that you need to lead from the front here. Prioritise personal dignity and sort yourself out. Teach them that you need to have self-respect as part of being happy and healthy.


SimonJT · 01/12/2019 17:29

It depends on the scenario.

There are some things I do to put myself first, like exercising, but this means I am physically well and my mental health is better which enables me to parent better.

If your children have all their needs met (not wants) then you need to make sure as many of your needs as met as well.

If your husband is genuinely concerned surely he should be having more hands on parenting time so you have more time for haircuts, going into town etc rather than it being a huge rush job.


myohmywhatawonderfulday · 01/12/2019 17:30

I think that the things you are talking about how to be intentional and don't 'just happen'. So you need to book the hairdressers, get it in your diary - and then it happens. Eg book it when your dh can look after the children.

It is harder with smaller children but with intention and organisation it can happen.

Other things that help me is: My hairdresser comes to my home, so does my beautician and its much easier than going to them. I go to the gym very early (which isn't my ideal but the only way that it can happen) so the kids and husband are in bed and just getting up by the time I get back to take over.


OhWellThatsJustGreat · 01/12/2019 17:30

Their needs come first, their wants depend. You needing new trainers and clothes, that needs prioritising, especially at this time of year and with a baby due.


myohmywhatawonderfulday · 01/12/2019 17:31

have to be intentional not how to be intentional


Fightingmycorner2019 · 01/12/2019 17:32

I think when heavily PG it’s not optimal time for wardrobe updates

It’s an interesting question , I am in the process of splitting with my kids dad and they just had a meltdown about me going out

On the one hand I NEED some time with friends it’s been stressful as hell . On the other hand I don’t want to leave them when they Are so insecure
I don’t really know really
Do what you want ! Smile


Choufleur · 01/12/2019 17:33

Things ds needs yes. What he wants no. He wants a new phone (he has an iPhone 7). He can wait for one as he has asked for something else for Christmas. (I’m typing this on my new shiny iPhone 11)


CherryPavlova · 01/12/2019 17:33

Their needs rarely mean a parent can’t have reasonable clothes or a haircut.


TheVanguardSix · 01/12/2019 17:35

Yes, my kids come first. That sound smug. It's not meant to.
But go on, get yourself some new leggings and some decent winter boots.
I'm a big believer in the saying, 'if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy'. I don't get facials or manicures or botox or haircuts and I am in desperate of one- I cut my own hair and it's all grey and scraggly and in many ways, I DO look a bit shit and kinda old and tired. But I wear really good coats, really good boots, shoes, wool jumpers from Celtic and co. I wear nice stuff that lasts years and I wear my stuff into the ground until it needs replacing... well before I look like Shackleton wearing the same smelly, moth-riddled Aran jumper for decades... I jump ship before I let it get that bad. You need to jump ship, OP. Go get some nice quality (!!!) clothes/shoes.
Quality counts.
It just feels great, even if the rest of you isn't looking/feeling great. Congratulations on baby number 3 on the way.


TheMidasTouch · 01/12/2019 17:35

You need to get the balance right. DCs needs before yours is okay but not to the detriment of you and/or DH.
Remember that on an aircraft you always put your safety mask on first before you help others. You need to take care of yourself too. Sometimes things that DC need aren't needs but wants.


rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 17:35

Yes, needs and wants come first.


itseasybeingcheesy · 01/12/2019 17:36

No there's a difference between making your children's well-being a priority and prioritising them over everything all the time.

Their needs and your needs are different but equal. They need all that you are providing them but you need things too. If you genuinely don't feel like you have the headspace to do that then your DP needs to get more on board at co parenting, your children need to have a degree of independence taught to them or you need to let a couple of things slide.


ladybee28 · 01/12/2019 17:36

Your kids are watching you.

They'll learn about self-respect and boundaries from watching the way you model it.

Making time for yourself, asking for what you need (including time to yourself), and maintaining a baseline of wellbeing are big parts of that.

This isn't about who comes 'first' - although if it needs to be framed that way in order to feel accessible to you, think of it as being about showing your children how to take care of themselves as they grow up.

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