To ask, do your kids always come before your needs and wants?

[RollOnNextYear]

Just want to give dh the mixed views that will prob get on here.
We always put the kids first but lately with house move and kids. I've let my wardrobe and everything slip.
To the point I put my trainers on yesterday and they split. (due to a foot issue trainers is mainly all I can wear) my other trainers the insole has come out and was threadbare. And one of them things I kept forgetting to get. My clothes are also in need of replacing. However I'm due dc 3 in 8nweeks so had tried to avoid it. But the everyday comfy leggings etc are faded badly.. I can only Order online as my town only. Has h&m that sells maternity clothes and that's very sparce. So easy to online order.
My hair also hasn't been trimmed or dyed since June.
I don't physically have the time for that except weekends and always hectic with kids.. I'm. Not bothered.

DH has just got quite Pissed off that I've let My stuff get that bad.. I genuinely didn't notice until yesterday.

He said for once put yourself before the kids and everything else. I can't. I'm not programmed that way. I can't help it. My mum did the same with us.

We also recently moved so the morning I have sparw when kids are not here I've been in for workmen etc so haven't even had time to go into the town for trainers or hair cut even if I had thought or wanted to.

I said I'm sure there's lots of parents in this situation but he seems to think not.

This weeks task is to attempt town grr.

[Lllot5]

Bit different to putting kids first than walking about with holes in your shoes ( assuming kid’s shoes aren’t holey) don’t be a martyr but s pair of trainers and get your hair done.

[ffswhatnext]

No, I don't. I am a person as well and at times I have needs that have to come first.

For me, it's unrealistic to always put others before yourself. If I couldn't because of other factors, I would be looking to find out where the problem lies and fix it. My life isn't just about ensuring that everyone else has their needs met, it's not a life I want for anyone tbph.

[Thehop]

My kids always come first but you really have neglected yourself and should absolutely guilt free put that right

[Expressedways]

I would put their needs first but not their wants. I don’t think neglecting self care is healthy and I don’t like the idea that you evaporate as a person because you’ve had children. Order some new shoes and maternity trousers online and get next day delivery. Leave the kids with your DH for a few hours at the weekend and go get your hair done.

[ffswhatnext]

And what are you both doing over the weekend that's so important to take up all this time?
That is where I would start looking.
Does all of it have to be done over the weekend
Does it all require both adults
Is one of them always at their very secretive, specialised hobby?

[notacooldad]

Everybody needs to have their basic needs met.
Beyond that there is no need to be a martyr and go round I not fit for purpose clothes if you can afford it so that children can have more stuff!
That is ridiculous.
I would be annoyed if my DP was going round looking like a tramp and let grooming go if there was no need.

[Jodie77]

I think that there is a point at which not prioritising yourself means you are actually not prioritising your DC either. Like if you don't get necessary dental work in order to buy them better birthday presents and therefore are grumpy and in pain on their birthday. I have known somebody who did just that, and I thought it was ridiculous and martyr ish.

[Celebelly]

Yep, needs before wants. And with wants, it depends. Kids don't get everything they want, so i think I'd just weigh it up case by case. But I don't think having children means you need to sacrifice your own self-worth or martyr yourself to them. You have to be happy in your own life and skin too.

[museumum]

My kids don’t in any way benefit from me having cold wet feet or suffer if I take five minutes and ten pounds to order a pair of leggings online.
But I appreciate we are lucky that we don’t have to worry about money. Are you saying OP that you really can’t afford shoes or leggings? It sounds like your dh thinks you can - do you organise your money together??

[Jeleste]

I dont always put my kids first. My mum did that with us and still does now actually. She is happy with this life, i would be miserable.
I need my "me" stuff to function properly. I need to take care of myself and shop for myself, go to the gym, go out with friends, DH etc.
My kids needs are taken care of first of course, they are fed, clothed, entertained, loved. But they dont need my full u divided attention 24/7.

[Jollitwiglet]

I'm a strong believer that you can't pour from an empty glass. You also don't win any prizes for being a martyr.

If both my daughter and I had shoes falling apart but I could only afford to get one of us new shoes, of course my daughter would get new shoes. But if my shoes were falling apart and I had a choice between getting new shoes or the kids doing a weekend activity, I would get myself the new shoes.

You don't have to neglect yourself. Trim your own hair in the evening now and again. If money is an issue, get second hand clothes and shoes. I certainly wouldnt have shoes that are falling apart unless I had to choose between my children being well clothed and fed, and me being well clothed. Surely your husband could take care of your children so you could go do things?

[Haggisfish]

I agree their needs come first but not their wants. And you do need to put yourself first as well or you run the risk of hugely resenting dc in future.

[BlueCornsihPixie]

Kids needs come first yes.

However there's a priority of 'need'. So I would put some of my higher needs over their lesser needs. For example food is top priority, new socks not so much. You wouldn't buy your DC socks over food for yourself. If you both need socks then yes DCs socks come first. Does that make sense? It's not a great analogy but I hope you get the idea

You can't really look after your DC to the full extent if you aren't taking care of yourself. You need non holey shoes, you can't go out in winter with holes in your shoes. That's a high priority need and will come above lesser 'needs' for your DC

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

Poor self care isn’t good parenting

Yes, respect yourself and your own needs. Being a good mother doesn't mean turning yourself into a martyr in worn out trainers and faded leggings.

[reginafelangee]

Needs yes. Wants no.

And you have to find balance. Everyone in our family is important.

[Charliescar]

You are also a person - you have wants a needs too . I love love clothes and fashion and buy quite a lot . I think it’s important to show your kids that you are a person too and I feel better when I look good

[Thedonkeyhouse]

I think it's best to have balance in all things.

I put my child's essential needs before mine up to a point. So, for example, if there were a situation where one of us needed new shoes but we could only afford one pair - I would buy shoes for my child and not for me.

I also put his emotional needs before mine up to a point. I go through things and put myself in situations I don't want to because he needs me to do that for him.

However I also think as a parent it's my responsibility to model good self care and also good boundaries. So I do draw the line in places.

[rhubarbcrumbles]

However I also think as a parent it's my responsibility to model good self care and also good boundaries. So I do draw the line in places.

^ This. You can still put their wants first and do this.

[megletthesecond]

yy loopy this >> "Poor self care isn’t good parenting.".
You don't need to be glammed up, at the gym 7 days a week or in fancy clothes but you must take care of yourself.

[bridgetreilly]

Your children need you to also look after yourself.

[Itsrebekahvardysaccount]

It frustrates me when people are martyrs and constantly bang on about how they never buy anything for themselves, only the kids.

Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean your clothes stop wearing or your hair stops growing!

Ps not referring to anyone on this thread in particular. I have a specific friend in mind here.

[Gillian1980]

I put their NEEDS first but not always their wants.

I tend to either forget things for myself, or just put it down the “to do” list a few times as I always seem to be so bloody busy.

I rarely buy new clothes, or get hair done (well over a year since my last trim) but always keep on top of when the kids need clothes etc. It’s not martyrdom, I just don’t think Of myself often.... when I do, then I’ll buy what I want/need.

[Minxmumma]

I am rubbish at this tbh. Always put myself at the bottom of the list and therefore never address my needs.
Cut and dye my own hair, never time to do my nails, wardrobe...... what wardrobe. Since having a mastectomy this year I have even less interest or desire as nothing fits anyway.

My h always says just get what you want, but I simply cannot be that irresponsible with money. He generally is and doesn't consider the consequences.

[Foghead]

Come on op. Even your dh can see this situation is not right.
Get yourself sorted with basics.
You can buy trainers and clothes on line or in the supermarket if necessary.
I prioritise myself quite often after everyone’s needs are met.

[ffswhatnext]

And surely by looking after your own needs, you will also feel better about yourself. Who doesn't feel great walking out of the hairdressers, even knowing they have a madhouse to deal with?

I've been putting off buying new underwear for months because my body cannot make up its mind what size it wants to be. Black Friday deals and took the plunge. And omg I forgot how good a proper fitting bra is. Yea the tshirt has seen better days (kept to lounge around in) but I don't care because my boobs feel great. It's that feeling we have when we wear something new. Because it makes us look good it also makes us feel good.

And self-neglect can be the root of other issues. Maybe have a chat with someone about what's really going on.