To ask, do your kids always come before your needs and wants?

[RollOnNextYear]

Just want to give dh the mixed views that will prob get on here.
We always put the kids first but lately with house move and kids. I've let my wardrobe and everything slip.
To the point I put my trainers on yesterday and they split. (due to a foot issue trainers is mainly all I can wear) my other trainers the insole has come out and was threadbare. And one of them things I kept forgetting to get. My clothes are also in need of replacing. However I'm due dc 3 in 8nweeks so had tried to avoid it. But the everyday comfy leggings etc are faded badly.. I can only Order online as my town only. Has h&m that sells maternity clothes and that's very sparce. So easy to online order.
My hair also hasn't been trimmed or dyed since June.
I don't physically have the time for that except weekends and always hectic with kids.. I'm. Not bothered.

DH has just got quite Pissed off that I've let My stuff get that bad.. I genuinely didn't notice until yesterday.

He said for once put yourself before the kids and everything else. I can't. I'm not programmed that way. I can't help it. My mum did the same with us.

We also recently moved so the morning I have sparw when kids are not here I've been in for workmen etc so haven't even had time to go into the town for trainers or hair cut even if I had thought or wanted to.

I said I'm sure there's lots of parents in this situation but he seems to think not.

This weeks task is to attempt town grr.

I don't have your mentality. I've always made time for myself. I have no idea why you would let your clothes get so threadbare or not have your hair trimmed.

Is this a martyr competition?

Yes, I am like you. I haven't had my hair done in forever, partly because I don't like spending time getting it done, arrange babysitter, etc (single parent, no family nearby) as well as the cost. I'm also guilty of not spending money on clothes, shoes and other things for myself because I'm the person I feel most comfortable cutting back on if cutbacks need to be made.

Btw I'm not saying this is a healthy attitude because it's not. I can logically see that the posters above are 100% right about self care and I if I was giving advice I would tell you to prioritise yourself and get some new shoes, but I recognise I'm a big hypocrite because I do the same as you. LOL

You sound like a martyr and your dm set a bad example. If your dh is upset that you let it get to that, it implies that you can afford to but choose to be a marty about it.

I know someone exactly like how you are describing yourself. She buys her children more than they ever actually need yet looks like shes living in poverty. And she bangs on about it as if she deserves a medal. seems like your dh thinks the same - no one is going to give you that medal!

Yes they always come first for clothing, food, heat, thoughts. Though now the youngest is nearly 5, I have more time to spend on myself. I try to take at least a half an hour a day for something for me, I break it up over the week moisturiser, eyebrows, nail polish, I feel much better in myself. It doesn't happen every week but it is something for me alone.

Their needs before my needs. Their wants do not trump my needs. Wants for them and me are a balancing act.

Yes absolutely.

Not really setting a good example - the idea that your needs don’t matter and shouldn’t matter sows the seed for your own kids (daughters in particular) to place themselves way down in the pecking order.

My dcs do not go without what they need, ever, and what they want, mostly. But there are times that my need to have haircut/buy myself some clothes/have time to myself takes precedence over their wants (not needs). Just as my mother’s did.

But I’m order for them to h Co one first I must also look after myself as much as I can so that I model that for them.

Needs yes. Wants no. If they ‘want’ some toy and I need new shoes my shoes come first.
And this extends to non material things btw. Sometimes it is okay for them to be a bit bored and play quietly because I have to get something done. Sometimes they have to wait for something they want but is non essential. You want a cup of hot chocolate and I am folding laundry? Then you need to wait, kids.
I think keeping kids secure and attending to their needs is impossible. Making them feel they rule the roost, never have any desires remain unfulfilled and constantly pandering to every whim to your detriment will not produce considerate children.

Another example here. So if my throat is really hurting, then actually, I can’t keep reading endlessly, I am now going to make a cup of tea and give myself a rest on the sofa. You guys can play for a bit and when I am better I will join in.

We are all on a level playing field in this house, everyone’s needs are important, no one is more important than the others (including me) I try to meet all needs as best I can.

Is it financial or time restrictions.
I totally understand if it is a financial issue though if it is time, crave some for yourself.
I take 2 nights off between 8 and 10pm esch week, I work 3 evenings and DP gets 2 nights off same hours.
I do this because I let myself go to shit for 2 years when DC 2 was born, I lost myself.
Whoever is on will get the DC ready for bed, sort packed lunched, bags coats for the next morning, by 10pm we both get to chill together.

NO. Eeee it's a slippery slope to a very dark place OP. I used to literally spend every penny on my 2, and walk around with holes in my clothes, whilst they had frugi, duns and maxomorra. I never went out on an evening as "I have kids at home". I never drank on the evenings "in case they needed my full attention" and so we could go to the beach early the next day to watch the sunrise. All my spare time was used by doing craft/activities/outdoor stuff with them. All the money went on endless stuff for them (that was ignored 99.9% of the time). I tried to keep up with all the blogs - the organic food, the gorgeous photos, the cloth nappies etc.

I had a big ol scary breakdown and they really suffered because of it too. I was in such a dark place. I had a long recovery. Now I put myself first a lot more. I drink wine on Friday & Sat nights. I don't buy designer clothes for any of us, we all have supermarket & 2nd hand stuff, and the occasional stuff from Next. They see me treat myself because they need to look up to me and respect me and see that I matter. I'm not their slave. I'm a person too.

I always think of it like, if MY mum had done this to herself when I was younger and I found out now I'd feel so damn guilty. To be a good mammy requires us to treat ourselves and believe we are worth it.

Take a proper look in the mirror. Are you happy with what you see?
Would you want a dd of yours to be like you one day or would you like her to be nicely groomed in decent clothing?
Give yourself some me time .

My h always says just get what you want, but I simply cannot be that irresponsible with money. He generally is and doesn't consider the consequences.

There is a huge difference between spending money on basic things like clothes and being irresponsible. It is not irresponsible to buy new shoes if yours are broken or old. If you are on a budget it would be irresponsible to buy an expensive brand named pair over a supermarket pair. It is not irresponsible to get your hair cut. If you genuinely can't afford a hairdresser most towns have colleges where the student hairdressers can do it at a fraction of the price. Ours also has a beauty section where you can be pampered for a fraction of the cost of the high street.

No, not always.
It depends on the circumstances.

Children need to know that everyone in a family should be taken care of.

There are no awards for being a Martyr Mother. Those days should've died last century.

Self-care is important and kids learn from it.

As long as kids' needs are taken care of then you are doing right by them. So right by yourself too.

It's bullshit to say there isn't enough time for you to do this. Make time.

You sound like a martyr, why have you chosen to have a third child yet can't or won't replace worn out shoes .
As others have said, a child's basic needs are of course essential ... but once those have been achieved then for my own sanity I've always made my own needs & wants a priority eg; I need a lot of time on my own ... so I made sure I always got it.

My kids are important but so am I, and so is their dad. In our house it’s a balancing act between who needs what and how urgently, who wants what and the resources we have available - financial, physical and emotional. Kids needs come first, then adult needs, then everyone’s wants. I think our balance is ok, for example I’d never have holey shoes or worn out clothes for any of us but none of us are in designer kit either.

not all needs are equal although it sounds good their needs are not always always first
your DH slips and hurts himself and needs to go to hospital but DC are hungry in this case DH needs overcome theirs and they need to wait for lunch or munch on less than optimal healthy crisps sweetsfood in car while you drive DH to A&E
if they have one decent pair of shoes and you have none you need new trainers before they do, feet don't change size in pregnancy
as they say in aeroplanes fit your own oxygen mask before helping others
letting children think they are emperoros and you are a slave is not healthy, you are not a 24/7 entertainment manager; you are a 24/7 keep them safe and well manager. It is ok for them to wait for stuff, to be a bit bored for a while even to be a bit hungry/thirsty for a few minutes while you finsh something

On one hand you shouldn't be so busy on your phone you never play with them on the other hand it is not right that you can't ring your mum/friend etc unless they are asleep as they won't let you sit and talk in peace for 10 (30 if a bit older) minutes without interupting or causing trouble
I don't think kids should be in superdry/ GAP/ boden while mum has clothes from primark in holes ( not designer rips just holes)

@teacup makes a good point, I think it’s important that kids know where they fit in the family and the wider world - sometimes they each have competing needs and sometimes their dad and i needs compete with theirs, in which case we do the best we can but children can’t come first every single time in every way, not if you’re to keep your sanity.

Dd doesn’t always come first. Her needs always come before my own, but her wants do not. I’m not a robot, and need downtime and things that I enjoy doing too. Usually these will crossover, so dd wants to go to the park and I want to go for lunch we can do both. Or I can persuade her to go somewhere different than the bastard softplay.

I am a single parent though, so she has got to learn compromise from a young age. I don’t think it will do her any harm knowing that we are a team and we work together, and that means not always getting what you want.

You don’t have to be a barefoot martyr to prove you love your kids and you’re a good mother.

I’m a good mother and I’ve got nice hair, make up is good and my toes aren’t hanging out of my trainers.

I’ve also been having major work done in the house and due a baby imminently.

It’s about balance, you can be a good parent and still find the odd hour to look after yourself. There are days where I look like an absolute state - a homeless troll looks better honestly - but not for 6 months at a time?

Everything in life is about balance surely?

Kids needs come before my needs.
Eg
ds and I both need a coat, can only afford one. Ds gets coat.

My needs come before kids wants.
Eg
I need a coat, ds has a coat, can only afford one. I get a coat

Kids wants come before my wants.
Eg.
We both already have coats. Both want another one. Can only afford one. Ds gets a second coat.

There's a difference between not being able to afford things for yourself and not putting yourself first when you have small kids. Yes, sometimes all the money goes on them because they need new clothes frequently and you, in all likelihood, don't really.

If your other half is complaining that you are letting yourself go, though he should a) shut up b) step up and give you some tiem for self care (yoga classes were a godsend when my two were little, for example, just some time to purely concentrate on me) and c) maybe treat you to some nice things, haircut etc if that's affordable.

It should be possible to have some time for that, I generally made it. I guess it helped I was low maintainence in the first place (short, undyed hair, no makeup except when going out) so there wasn't really anything to fall behind on, but do make that space. But it's no use your OH complaining unless he's going to help make that time.

Needs are needs regardless of theirs or mine and it’s very rare that I couldn’t manage to fulfil both their needs and my own. Things like food, housing, electricity etc are needs. School uniform and shoes that fit are a need. Most other clothing is not a need, but a want.

Wants are variable in cost/urgency etc so I couldn’t say which comes first as we all have constant wants. There’s no way I could indulge every single want from my 3 DCs on a constant basis so sometimes one of them is lucky, sometimes I am.

Again, if I have the money/time/energy to do something nice for myself I would do it. I wouldn’t wait until I’ve fulfilled every single want that each of my DCs might have before my attending to my own. If I didn’t have the money, nobody would be getting their ‘wants’.

I take time, spend money and conserve energy for my own enjoyment regularly. As a single parent particularly, I’m no use to anyone if I’m run ragged, miserable and resentful. But neither are you. It’s the old oxygen mask on a plane thing. Sometimes you have to put yourself first to be able to look after your DCs effectively.

Also if you’re not taking care of yourself physically and have scruffy hair, scruffy clothes and holey shoes, you can’t be surprised if your DH stops finding you attractive. Nobody wants to be married to a bag lady.

Sorry that’s harsh - I’m not one of those who thinks you have to be thin and fully made-up 24/7 to be attractive, but a basic level of self care is important for your relationship and your H has now voiced his concern so you need to listen. He needs you to take better care of yourself for your own sake, for your DCs and for the sake of your relationship. This is a wake up call!

I know when you’re heavily pregnant this isn’t a priority and you do need him to be on board with taking care of his DCs to allow you time to yourself, but things aren’t going to get any easier with another baby in the mix so take the opportunity now to have a haircut, get some nice non holey but comfy clothes and take a few minutes each day to make yourself look presentable for your own self esteem as well as out of respect for yourself.

When I’m on my own I will happily sit around in my PJs with no make up on and my hair scraped back and of course, if my DP is here and he sees me like that it’s fine, it doesn’t matter. But generally if I know we’re spending a day together I want to look nice for him so I put some outside clothes on and do my hair nicely. Similarly if he’s wearing a scruffy t shirt with 3 days of stubble looking like a hobo I feel annoyed that he hasn’t made an effort to look attractive to me.