To ask, do your kids always come before your needs and wants?

[RollOnNextYear]

Just want to give dh the mixed views that will prob get on here.
We always put the kids first but lately with house move and kids. I've let my wardrobe and everything slip.
To the point I put my trainers on yesterday and they split. (due to a foot issue trainers is mainly all I can wear) my other trainers the insole has come out and was threadbare. And one of them things I kept forgetting to get. My clothes are also in need of replacing. However I'm due dc 3 in 8nweeks so had tried to avoid it. But the everyday comfy leggings etc are faded badly.. I can only Order online as my town only. Has h&m that sells maternity clothes and that's very sparce. So easy to online order.
My hair also hasn't been trimmed or dyed since June.
I don't physically have the time for that except weekends and always hectic with kids.. I'm. Not bothered.

DH has just got quite Pissed off that I've let My stuff get that bad.. I genuinely didn't notice until yesterday.

He said for once put yourself before the kids and everything else. I can't. I'm not programmed that way. I can't help it. My mum did the same with us.

We also recently moved so the morning I have sparw when kids are not here I've been in for workmen etc so haven't even had time to go into the town for trainers or hair cut even if I had thought or wanted to.

I said I'm sure there's lots of parents in this situation but he seems to think not.

This weeks task is to attempt town grr.

[MoltoAgitato]

Needs first up to a point - that bit about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others applies here.

[30to50FeralHogs]

We both already have coats. Both want another one. Can only afford one. Ds gets a second coat.

Surely if you can only afford one coat (£20-30?) you shouldn’t be buying anyone a second coat?

I don’t understand why people put their kids wants above general common sense. If money is so tight that you can only make yourself or your child happy by buying something, stop buying things you don’t need!

[Octopus37]

I come from the I need my me time camp, although I do make sure that my kids needs get met. I cut and dye my own hair but that's cause I am happy to do so and I find the hairdressers too time consuming. I buy quite a lot of cloths (luckily I don't have expensive tastes, think New Look, Primark H&M, I saw it first, ebay), but I do buy quite a lot o clothes cause I love fashion and dying my hair (blue) and wearing new stuff or stuff that I feel good in makes me feel good. I don't see why everyone else in the family is allowed to have hobbies and interests, but not me. I probably go out with friends once every couple of weeks, sometimes more often and would go insane if I couldn't. I don't get to go out with my DH very often, we don't really have babysitters and the DS's are still too young to be left in the evening, but whenever there is the opportunity we grab it, usually instigated by me. The other day my DS1 who is 12 said to me that parents should always put their kids first, I quickly put him straight on that. Although my Mum could be a bit of a matry, let it be known that she didn't spend money on herself etc, the reality is that to an extent (she was very good with money), she did. Also her and my Dad got a lot more couple time due to circumstances. If I was really short of money, I would buy stuff on ebay

[SeaSidePebbles]

My mother has always played the martyr card.
‘I go without so you guys can have xyz ’
‘I can’t afford a haircut because I spend so little time with you guys, it’s unfair to leave you for an hour’
‘I never go anywhere because I have children’
‘I am blind because I had to look after you’
‘I lost my teeth because I always fed you the good food and I had scraps’

I won’t bore you with the whole story, suffice to say she has mental health issues, the fact that she neglected herself all these years stems from her own issues.

It was drummed into me the whole: ‘go without so your children can have the best’.
And I perpetuated this bullshit up till I actually had my DD. Looks are not important etc.

One day, I realised my clothes were awful, ill fitting etc. And I had this flashback: my mum crying about how much she sacrificed herself for us kids and this is how we repay her etc.

I went out and I asked the girl on the shop floor to put together 3outfits for me, I let her choose, have fun, the only condition I had was it had to be quick, DD was due a feed. She actually did a brilliant job, I paid, and took it from there.
Try it, op!

[RollOnNextYear]

Thanks. It's definitely needs rather than their wants..
My 20m old had a huge growth spurt so meant new everything.
Ds school trainers wore down and he needed clothes as again had a spurt..
Dsd needed a winter coat and new trainers.

Ds wants a few more bits but that's a want so isn't happening yet.

I genuinely don't think about myself until its too late if that makes sense?

[RollOnNextYear]

Thank you. The next hair apt (dh rang her) isn't when he can have the kids. The one after we've booked and paid for a santa tea and grotto when he finishes work.
This rate wil Be new Yr. But he needs to see what his Saturday working hours are 1st.

[BettysLeftTentacle]

You sound exactly the same as me OP. I know it’s not great but I don’t know how to change it!

[Fakeflowersaremynewnormal]

I think it might be that you are mentally tired and stressed and this leads to problems with self care. When I am a bit down I find it hard to make decisions and choose new things or I would probably put off making an appointment. If it's a bit of a tricky decision or takes time and mental energy I will try to put it off. Like if it's not that easy to find comfortable clothes to fit i will just give up looking. I put off getting my ears syringed for ages because it was a bit tricky to schedule it in. I know it sounds simple to get some new trainers and leggings but sometimes it can be hard to find something that fits or whatever and you just cba to shop around. I'm not saying you are depressed but you sound very busy and have a lot going on which could also sap your mental strength. You need to do things to relax and boost your mental health.

[ThePolishWombat]

Their needs 100% come before mine. But their wants don’t.
If my shoes are splitting, and I’m getting wet feet, but DD wants sparkly trainers just because her friends have them, then I’m buying myself serviceable shoes rather than buying the sparkly trainers.
But in general, I go without things so my DCs don’t have to - I think most parent do don’t they?
For example, today, I’ve been wearing a pair of comfy trackie bottoms that I’ve had since I was 16....I’m 25 now. They still fit, and aren’t damaged or anything so I have no need to buy new ones!

[Selfsettling3]

Remember how you value yourself teaches your children how they should value themselves as adults.

[LonginesPrime]

Hang on - you're heavily pregnant, managing all the stuff around a house move and looking after two small children - so much so that you genuinely haven't had time to replace things you need. And your DH's reaction is to tell you to sort yourself out and smarten up?

What's he doing?

Because from what he said, it sounds like he has no problems with prioritising his own needs (including having a well turned-out wife..).

[damnthatanxiety]

Honey, go buy some clothes and shoes. FFS, your dc will be fine. Your DH is asking you to look after yourself. He doesn't want you to become a martyr. He doesn't want to be married to a martyr. He wants his wife back. And you deserve to be a priority too.

[Loopytiles]

If affording the DCs’ clothes is an issue, santa tea and grotto is an easy one to skip to save money, the DC won’t notice!

[FrivolousPancake]

I find the “my kids always come first” a little bit sad face Dailymail.

It varies, DDs needs are met. It’s not something I’ve put much thought into but it is important to me to live by example.

I would be devastated if DD ever valued herself so little that she went around in rags and split shoes.

[Fakeflowersaremynewnormal]

I still think as I said in my other post that it is partly that you have trouble finding the energy both mental and physical to shop and so on but this meme made me think of your OP.

[Ragwort]

I certainly wouldn't be taking my children to Santa's grotto and a tea if I didn't have a decent pair of shoes , it is perfectly easy to entertain young children at home or find a free activity. Don't be a martyr.

[ffswhatnext]

So he works 6 days a week?

[Wallywobbles]

No. They have everything they need. Sometimes I have needs too. And they have a place too.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

Nah, my ds is no more nor any less important than anyone else, so all circumstances are assessed on a case by case basis. His opinion counts and his views are listened to with respect, but he doesn't get to make many decisions (although he does get invited to make some) that affect us all.

It isn't a good thing to make children think they always come first, no matter what, as one day they will grow up and not outrank everyone else by dint of being a child.

If I always denied myself things to give them to others, I will be implying that mothers/women matter less, and that's not a message I want to pass on.

[doublebarrellednurse]

Not always no. If I don't take care of myself I can't take care of them.

Needs will always come first.
Then husband and Is needs
Then wants

[CactusAndCacti]

We are all on a level playing field in this house, everyone’s needs are important, no one is more important than the others (including me) I try to meet all needs as best I can.

I'm with you on this. I always wonder how the whole 'their needs first' works when you have more than one child and one toilet

[RollOnNextYear]

Understand the grotto thing but we didn't pay for that. In laws did. They do every year.

Yes he works Mon to Sat. And the occasional evening as he's an entertainer on the side.

[1300cakes]

For example, today, I’ve been wearing a pair of comfy trackie bottoms that I’ve had since I was 16....I’m 25 now. They still fit, and aren’t damaged or anything so I have no need to buy new ones!

Thats not going without for your kids though. That's just not buying things you don't need or want.

OP not saying this is you, but I know a few people who aren't bothered to do certain things, and now that they've had kids, they use the kids as a reason when it's just an excuse. Then it makes them a hero in their mind, instead of needing to put in effort and change.

For example, my DH gave up working out when our ds was born. Nothing to do with ds, he still has plenty of time. He just got out of the habit of going and never went back. Now that's fine with me (I also hate the gym), but if he was complaining to me or I heard him telling others that he has sacrificed his fitness for ds, I wouldn't be happy. It wouldn't be true at all.

[NameChangedNoImagination]

Your hair and clothes have absolutely nothing to do with your DCs needs or wants. You do not stop being a person worthy of self care when you become a parent. Don't forget about yourself. Take care of you, too.

As an aside, a study found that the amount of focused quality time a mother spent with their small infant had less effect on development and emotional attachment, than the stress levels of a mother did.

[SnowsInWater]

There are way too many threads on MN from women upset to find their teens/adult kids have zero respect for them. That's not something that happens overnight. Show your family that you deserve the same as everyone else in your house.