To ask, do your kids always come before your needs and wants?

[RollOnNextYear]

Just want to give dh the mixed views that will prob get on here.
We always put the kids first but lately with house move and kids. I've let my wardrobe and everything slip.
To the point I put my trainers on yesterday and they split. (due to a foot issue trainers is mainly all I can wear) my other trainers the insole has come out and was threadbare. And one of them things I kept forgetting to get. My clothes are also in need of replacing. However I'm due dc 3 in 8nweeks so had tried to avoid it. But the everyday comfy leggings etc are faded badly.. I can only Order online as my town only. Has h&m that sells maternity clothes and that's very sparce. So easy to online order.
My hair also hasn't been trimmed or dyed since June.
I don't physically have the time for that except weekends and always hectic with kids.. I'm. Not bothered.

DH has just got quite Pissed off that I've let My stuff get that bad.. I genuinely didn't notice until yesterday.

He said for once put yourself before the kids and everything else. I can't. I'm not programmed that way. I can't help it. My mum did the same with us.

We also recently moved so the morning I have sparw when kids are not here I've been in for workmen etc so haven't even had time to go into the town for trainers or hair cut even if I had thought or wanted to.

I said I'm sure there's lots of parents in this situation but he seems to think not.

This weeks task is to attempt town grr.

Generally you do put your kids' needs (and to an extent wants) first. But there are limits to being a mummy martyr.

It's not so much about buying stuff, we're lucky that we are reasonably comfortably off so if ds needs/wants something, within reason, we can get it without that meaning that we can't get something for ourselves.

But in terms of time, yes I put him first. For example if he needs to be somewhere at a certain time and I wanted to do something at that same time, I'll have to sacrifice the thing I wanted to do and take him (he's just started learning to drive so hopefully that won't be for much longer!)

As an example, I usually swim on a Monday night but he has something tonight which I will need to take him to, so I can't swim. It's that sort of thing.

But there's no way I would let my clothes and hair get tatty because I was putting the kids first". You're really not. Spend some money on yourself before your baby comes along.

The next hair apt (dh rang her) isn't when he can have the kids. The one after we've booked and paid for a santa tea and grotto when he finishes work
So go to someone else until you can get your regular hairdresser back. It's not like she's missed you if you go so infrequently.

There is a danger if you losing yourself if you carry on like this. Dc need to know that your needs and wants are just as valid as everyone else’s.
Even little things like asking not to be disturbed while you have a cup of tea or make a phone call, cooking your favourite dinner over anyone else’s favourite, when you're all having a chat about how your days went, remind them to ask you how yours went.
These little things will shape how they view you and treat you as they get older.

Possibly making myself out to be a bad mother here but although my kids come first I don’t think neglecting yourself is the way to go.

I want my son to be able to see me as someone who peruses the things I enjoy and as an actual person not just a mother. I have the all elusive hobbies and take time out to do things like get my haircut or whatever. I really don’t want him growing up seeing women as someone who disappears into the background raising a family.

I suppose I’m fortunate in that we can all afford to have shoes etc but I wouldn’t walk around with holes in my close for DS sake

Children can't always come first, it's not good for them. Even in a small family, there will be times when what different children need is in conflict. Parents and children have to learn to manage this because adult life will force you to. Go and spend some time and money on yourself.

No. I want to teach my children to value and care for themselves. That means modelling valuing and caring for myself too. I would hate for my children to grow up saying "I can't put myself first for once. My mum was the same." I want them to grow up to be happy, not martyrs.
If I am unhappy, I can't provide a happy home for my children. I can't parent them as well as I can when I'm happy. If my marriage breaks down through lack of attention, that will affect my children too.
We try and do what's best for the whole family. Sometimes that's what's best for my children. Sometimes it's what's best for DH or me.

If you have the money to afford a third child, you have the money for a new pair of trainers. And if, as a couple, you have the time and ability to look after a third child, you have the time to go get a hair cut.

If you actually genuinely would be tipped over the edge if your DH had to look after 2/3 kids by himself, or by buying another pair of trainers then you are in a VERY precarious place in life. You could be ill, a parent could be ill and need you etc.

I'm not trying to sound like an arsehole - I don't mean this in a 'you shouldn't have another baby' way. More that it seems mummy martyrism is more at play here.

For example, I gave up pretty much my entire Saturday sitting in a soft play centre at a fifth birthday party with DS. Not would I would have chosen, but important to him.
Tonight, I'm going to enjoy my hobby. (It's DH's hobby too, so we do alternate weeks), and on Friday I'm going to a work's Christmas party. Next week, I'm going out with some friends, and next weekend we've got a playdate with DS's best friend and another fifth birthday party.
A mixture of things which are important to me and things which are important to him. Similarly, DH is out with a friend on Wednesday and it'll be his turn to do his hobby next week.
Obviously if DS was in an accident or something we'd drop everything, but similarly if we were ill, I'd probably rearrange the playdate or ask my mum to take him to the party.
It's not always easy, but we try and balance our needs as a family. I think we're all happier for it.

There are way too many threads on MN from women upset to find their teens/adult kids have zero respect for them. That's not something that happens overnight. Show your family that you deserve the same as everyone else in your house.

This 100 percent.

When I was with ex and I had all four kids living at home I was treated by them all as the lowest of the low..because they saw how he treated me. I went without, put myself last, I looked a mess, I had holes in my shoes, clothes, even my underwear, whilst they swanned around in designer gear and he had nights out.

We had a take out once..pizza..I was busy sorting plates and wanted to make sure everybody ate first..the greedy fuckers including my ds girlfriend dived in and ate the lot before I had a chance to get anything. I had nothing not 1 slice and they all laughed and took the piss.

Thankfully he's an ex and my dp now (We don't live together) makes damn sure i get treated with respect. I am well dressed and well fed now, my kids wants are never put above my needs. However the guilt is still there but I feel better now I have some self respect and it shows in the kids attitude towards me too

Of course not always. i was raised with a notion that "if you don't take care of yourself first, you'll be useless to others".
That said, my kids are pretty much indulged and don't really go without. maybe they just have to wait longer for some things.

My kids in general come first. But I value myself as more than just the faceless ‘mother’ so yes, sometimes my wants come first.

For example, I might dish up my favourite part of the chicken when I’ve cooked an entire roast.

I would never tramp around in broken shoes and worn out clothing in favour of spending more money on my children.

Go into town on your own for a coffee and buy some clothes. Shops are open on Sundays now, your husband can look after the kids. Make the hair appointment and keep it.

In the past I’ve often had only one pair of shoes, falling apart, and other such things back when I was a single mother on benefits and poor as fuck. It was miserable but I had no other choice.

I certainly wouldn’t do it if had the money to buy myself things and the children didn’t need anything