to refuse to do half the travel?

[floatygoat]

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

I asked him not to take them there but he collected them on one of his weekends and drove them there anyway.

Honestly OP, it really doesn’t sound like he makes much of an effort with the children, anyway, getting other women to look after them.

Minty give it up confused are you the new GF or are you always this awful?

The latter, I would say.

Although I do tend to agree with a PP that there’s possibly a certain double standard based on the responses female posters have received when they were the ones doing the moving.

In this particular case, if the bloke has changed girlfriends at the rate most people change their knickers, the current arrangements will most likely be (very) temporary and he’ll be back within easy distance in no time at all.

Sure, tell a 6 and 11 year old "daddy just didn't love you enough to make the effort" that's a great way to treat kids who have gone through divorce

Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

Let’s aim the ire solely at where it belongs. Yet another feckless father expecting a woman to do the running to ensure he sees his kids.

I was raised in a situation a bit like this including the various girlfriends. It was also 70s and 80s so Mom by default had full custody and we saw Dad once a month. Today I suspect that was a good thing, because although he had a good career and paid what was ordered by the court, he would not have done one bit more for us. I love my Dad and get along with him, but he never put us first. Dead last, we were, right behind himself and his vitriol for my Mom.

My Mom never said he didn’t love us, of course. She actually never said a bad word about him and even today at 80 is pretty tight-lipped. But his behavior spoke for itself; he was selfish and acted like a victim when instead we 4 kids were the ones suffering.

Mom did what she had to do, including the traveling but she didn’t do more than was ordered by court. That wasn’t because she was annoyed by the girlfriends (although of course She must have been), but because she knew the environment was not good for us.

I’m a fairly unbiased person here, and a stepmom myself, after 6 years as the girlfriend.

I don’t believe you should drive 2 hours with a newborn to enable these overnight visits. I don’t think 4 hours in the car over a two day weekend, every weekend, is good for any of your children. I’d tell him it’s not possible for you due to breastfeeding, and that you worry about the kids having to do so much traveling. Perhaps agree to once a month instead, or times when it’s possible to do at least a 3 day visit.

Sounds like this situation is unlikely to last long with his track record.

Leaving the unreasonable nature of your ex aside (and he's clearly completely unreasonable and his prioritisation of a new GFnot once, but 5 times over 15 monthsindicates that his children are rather lower down the pecking order), how will your children feel about the travelling every weekend? I can imagine that, for the 6 YO with developmental delay, it might be rather difficult.

However, if seeing their dad is really important to them, and they think the visit is worth the travel time, then I would try to do what you can to facilitate the trips--but probably financially, ie covering the petrol money, rather than making the round trip with a cluster-feeding baby (can't imagine it would be fun for anyone in the car!). Another alternative might be for their dad to have them for longer, but less frequently (EOW from Friday night to Sunday evening rather than weekly from Sat-Sun?). He'll then be spending the same on his petrol money and get the same amount of time with his children.

Any parent who moves away from their dc just so they can get laid more easily is a shit parent. Children are better off without them imo.
Any woman who moves a man she has only known for a few weeks is also a shit parent - she is exposing them to all kinds of unknown risk.

I can't believe this place sometimes - the crazy expectations that the OP has to accept less child support and incur the extra cost of travelling and the cost to her weekends, just so that her children can spend time with these two fuckwits.

YANBU. His lifestyle is erratic and his expectations unrealistic. The new gf is unlikely to put up with him for long, so keep calm and carry on.

As for direct contact from the latest gf, block her where you can and ignore. It is none of her business. Do be making notes if dated of his various moves, addresses and names of the serial partners so that if he takes you to court, you can show the merry dance he has led his DC.

Notes of dates.

I would have had absolutely no respect for him or my DM if she had run after him to deposit me all over the country at his whim.

You would have no respect for a mother trying to ensure her children kept a relationship with their father? Nice.

As a pp has said I am not responsible for making up for his deficiencies.

Again, it's all about you, isn't it.

Minty what about the father's lack of respect for his daughters let alone their mother?

Minty give it up. Or, keep going in fact. Nothing like a particularly silly troll with so little material to work with to really underline just how absolutely reasonable the OP is being!

When you've only got someone like this arguing the point, it really... makes the point

Have come to the conclusion that Minty is certifiable with the extremes of illogical thinking she is displaying.

Again, it's all about you, isn't it

Let me guess, you’re bitter about your own home life and projecting. Maybe your partner is defective too. Have you thought about looking in to why you’re excusing an abject father from all responsibilities?

You would have no respect for a mother trying to ensure her children kept a relationship with their father? Nice.

Why is it the mothers' job? If the father cared so much, he would do everything in his power to live near his children!

I agree with @Courtney555 on the first page, I don't think you are doing it for the right reasons.
1 hour drive there, breast feed baby, 1 hour drive back. And your children get to see their father.

The children are the most important thing, and you can't sacrifice a tiny bit of time for them? I'm not saying you have to do it every weekend, but every other weekend is really not a big deal.
Yes your ex is a dick, but the children shouldn't suffer because of it.

The children are the most important thing, and you can't sacrifice a tiny bit of time for them?

And you don’t think the RP already sacrifices more for the children? Pretty sure we should stop facilitating poor excuses for fathers and stop apportioning blame to the mother.

Yup. She doesn't have to facilitate access if she doesn't want to, that's her call.

But in the same way that "he's not thinking about their children" (because he's moved further away to live with his partner) OP can't then expect to have a valid point that she's had another child with another man that she needs to breastfeed.

Mother isn't interested in taking the DC halfway because ex has moved in with new partner. DC are the ones that suffer.

Father doesn't want to make the full journey on the basis that ex has had another baby with someone else and it's not convenient for that baby. DC are the ones that suffer.

The DC didn't ask for DF to move away. The DC didn't ask for a half sibling either.

Both parents are using both those things against each other and it's only the DC that are missing out.

Minty is a lone voice. Not worth listening to or responding to.

OP, you are doing a grand job with a stable home of 5 yrs with your new partner and children.

Your EX is a loser who puts his needs before those of his children and he will not change. Stick to your guns - all this excessive travel for what is likely to be a 6month relationship, at best, skewing your children's minds of what a relationship should look like (again!) is not in their best interest - you are doing the right thing.

The DC didn't ask for a half sibling either.

How do you know that? I pestered my mother for years for a younger sibling that never materialised.

OP stick to your guns, it’s not for you to facilitate how he sees his children, allow him access as and when and the rest is up to him.

It’s utterly depressing how many people will give blokes “get out of jail free” cards whatever they do, and then criticise the mother for not doing enough.

No wonder they think it’s acceptable behaviour.

Seem to be projecting a lot, @MintyMabel.
When will some people stop blaming women for the feckless behaviour of men? Why should it always be the mother losing control over how she spends her time, jumping to the tune of a male ex who chose to put himself before the practicalities of seeing his own children? Your arguments are ridiculous an not credible. It’s the father who made these life choices which now make it difficult to see his children. How about you judge him & not the op.

@JacquesHammer said it better! ^^