to refuse to do half the travel?

[floatygoat]

Ex has moved two hours away to live with latest girlfriend (this is the 5th girlfriend in 18 months he's shacked up with and expected our two DC to play happy families with every other weekend).

He has now announced he expects me to do half the travel.

AIBU to tell him to do one? He can have the kids when he likes but no I won't be doing half the travel. I also have a newborn and couldn't do this without several stops on the way there and back to breastfeed, even if I wanted to.

🤣

@MintyMabel In what universe is it responsible parenting to introduce your kids to a new partner every few months and for especially a mother with main custody to move in a guy after just a few weeks? Unless you are one of this pathetic women yourself by the sounds of it.

Thanks so much everyone. I will definitely be sticking to my guns.

I think it sounds like a complete pain to do such a long trip every other weekend. But sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. I think the children's feelings are key. If your children want to see their dad, and you driving them half way is the only way they will get to see him, I would do it and I would hide my annoyance. Even if they were unsure, but seeing him would help their relationship to get stronger I would do it.

I can completely understand why you feel annoyed but in my experience there is some sort of peace to be had in stepping back from becoming annoyed over things like this and letting as much as is possible wash over you. You will also know that you were always the one who had their best interests at heart. I think the children always sense that too.

On a practical note, is there a place a little nearer to you that you could suggest for a pick up point, bearing in mind you have a new born, which always makes travel slightly more complicated. So it becomes a third way for you/two thirds for him? Maybe he'd agree to that and it would make life a bit easier for you?

@MakeItRain I completely understand your point, and I have been more than accommodating for so many years to his highly unstable life and selfish decisions, because I want my girls to feel loved and have a good relationship with their father. However I really do feel that this is just too much and I've had enough.
I don't see it as a negative that they will possibly be seeing him only once a month because I am refusing to do half the travel. As I have said before they are used to contact being very sporadic at times because of his choices.

His new gf bought them ipads for Christmas apparently so maybe she could hold off on the expensive gifts in the future and fund their fathers travel expenses now he has chosen to move two hours away to live with her.

Ahh I agree it's important to factor in what is right for you too. I know from experience what a stress it can be. Try not to feel annoyed whatever you decide. I can't imagine what it must be like dealing with this situation with a tiny baby to consider too

@MakeItRain if it comes to him refusing to see them I will do what you have suggested and say I am willing to meet a 1/3rd of the way. I feel like it will be a game of 'chicken' for a while though and doubt he would say he won't be seeing them at all.

Where did mintymable go? I was reading this thread to see when she would finally admit to being the GF....

No, OP, do not give in and travel 1/3 of the way. You’re already starting to backtrack an d he will play on that. There will be a phone call to say his car has broke down, he’s running late, he needs to be back for something important l, etc and you’ll end up traveling halfway of even all the way. This will be another temporary relationship unless the new woman is completely stupid and he’ll either move closer or further away. It’s up to him to maintain contact and your children don’t need to see their mum running around after this waste of space.

I can't believe so many here think it is perfectly acceptable for the OP to stand her ground for what are entirely selfish reasons.

No wonder so many kids of divorce spend their adult lives recovering from childhood.

Sure, tell a 6 and 11 year old "daddy just didn't love you enough to make the effort" that's a great way to treat kids who have gone through divorce.

And stop with the childish "you must be the new GF" bullshit. Is it too much of a stretch for people to understand others have lived through situations and can see the non hive mind of MN where it's common just to trash the ex and to hell with the consequences.

re b’fing, it really depends in the child.

It's a handy excuse.

No-one agrees with you no matter how many different spins you try to put on it.

Just as well I'm not here to make friends then, isn't it?

How awful of me to suggest the OPs children should come before her feelings about her ex.

Hey OP. I’ve been in your shoes, except it was for work for my Ex (however, the career was something he chose after DS was born).

He moved 4 hour drive away and expected me to do half the travel. I also have a mobility issue and other young children. I have DS 70% of the time.

Ex pushed for ‘equidistant travel’ and 34 hours notice along with evidence from a medical professional’ every time I couldn’t travel due to disability.

We went to court. Long story short. He does all the travel.

I could kind of understand if it was a 50/50 arrangement but I don’t think it’s fair you’re doing 90% of the parenting but expected to do 50% of the travel. Particularly when it’s due to his lifestyle choice.

Stick to your guns

@MintyMabel OP is having to balance the needs of all three of her children, one of whom cannot travel in the way you and her ex would like because they're a cluster feeding newborn.

If her ex were even remotely switched on, he'd have discussed the feasibility of this move and the impact on visiting with OP before going ahead and doing it anyway. At that point she'd have been able to raise the issue of the newborn making her traveling impossible pro tem and he wouldn't have been labouring under the false assumption that she could just drop everything to accommodate him. But he didn't and here we are.

Regardless of what she may agree in the future, taking the kids half way is clearly not possible at the moment and he has to accept that there are consequences to his move and, if he wants to see the kids, take on responsibility for the travel on his weekends until and unless OP is able to help out.

But OP is not responsible for her ex's choices and fecklessness. She is not responsible for enabling his car crash of a love life to the detriment of her own child's health. And it's easy enough to explain to her older children that visiting may be a little less frequent while Daddy settles in his new home and job, but that they'll be back to normal as soon as possible, so use Face Time a bit more in between. I don't think anyone is suggesting telling his kids that he's a feckless cocklodger who won't ever put their needs first. But they'll work that out for themselves in time if he doesn't get his act together.

I wouldn't offer to do any travelling.

What happens when this relationship breaks down and the next girlfriend is 6 hours drive away?

He needs to parent his children and part of this is sorting out how to collect and return them from contact weekends.

If their dad isn't paying rent, then he can use that money for petrol.

I just feel sorry for the kids, either way they'll be wasting 4 hours of their weekend in the car.

I can't believe so many here think it is perfectly acceptable for the OP to stand her ground for what are entirely selfish reasons

I can't believe you would lie to your children and make them believe they have an interested father and set them up for a huge disappointment in life when reality bites. Why on earth should OP cover for his failings.

I would tell him where to go!

DS's Dad recently moved away and he does all travel, unless we need to adapt the contact hours ( due to something we're doing or DS has a party etc) and then we help

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-babies-sleeping-in-car-seats/

@MintyMabel

@MintyMabel in what scenario in your mind would I be telling my children "daddy doesn't love you enough to make the journey".

As a pp has said I am not responsible for making up for his deficiencies. I have already said they are used to contact being sporadic at times because of his unstable life.

Minty is batshit op. Just ignore. Doing the best thing for all your kids doesn't mean bending over backwards for your exes every whim. It certainly doesn't mean driving a newborn around for hours on end to facilitate him.

It's the dad that's being entirely selfish btw, not the op who is actually looking after the kids and doing the bulk of the work.

Whilst in these circumstances it seems like he should be doing a greater amount of travel, if the circumstances were different and you had moved say closer to family - you would get annoyed if he made you do all the travel. Age comes into it too, how old are the kids, can they start to travel alone?

Minty my parents divorced when I was 8. I have a good relationship with my DF because he made active decisions not to move away and take up with a convenient stream of willing doormats. I would have had absolutely no respect for him or my DM if she had run after him to deposit me all over the country at his whim. It would also be pretty miserable - having to put up with every weekend disrupted by having to make an effort to see him was bad enough from my pov.

The "good of the children", especially daughters, is teaching them that fecklessness in men and accommodating their every whim and shortcoming is unnecessary and damaging.

@stucknoue they are 11 and 6. The younger has a form of autism and is about 3 years behind her biological age developmentally.

About 8 months ago he was going to move to about 4 hour drive away to live with one of the women.

He didn't actually move in officially in the end, they only lasted a couple of months but he did take our daughters there on his weekends, even when he had his own flat.
Solely because he could get a few shags, the woman paying for all their food and entertaining the kids for him as well.
So even if he hadn't moved in with this latest one he would have been taking them there on his weekends pretty soon anyway. It's all about his own convenience.