To wonder if it’s possible to be comfortable / affluent financially if you are on your own?

[lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps]

I think my marriage is over. I would prefer to try and work on it, but Dh doesn’t feel the same and you can’t force someone.

We have two children. Yes, he should and probably will contribute and have them some of the time.

My main worries are financial. I won’t deny that for a second.

There are certain things that have always been probably out of reach. But as a minimum, I wanted my children to grow up comfortable. I wanted to have the option of sending them to private schools if it was needed. I wanted to have the option of helping them through university and with weddings and with house deposits.

That all seems out of reach.

I actually am the higher earner by a significant amount. Our joint income is £75,000 however and I just can’t earn that on my own. Well, perhaps I could but even then I’d be taxed more so I’d be taking home less.

Is it possible to be comfortable as a lone parent? Can you have holidays, days out, nice things ... or is it just always going to be a struggle ending with beans on toast for tea?

I could if I divorced and moved to a much smaller house. Earn about £42000. Couldn’t afford private school but can’t anyway and don’t want to! I don’t do expensive holidays abroad which helps my expectations, too-I prefer weekend breaks with kids in the uk throughout the year. It would be tight but I could manage.

This is what I mean though haggis, I’m not talking about ‘expensive’ holidays if by expensive you mean a month in the Caribbean, but two weeks in Italy or Spain or France.

When you say moving to a smaller house, how much smaller? And also there are costs associated with moving, especially if you might lose a significant amount of money. So that’s not always the answer either.

Yes, you can be comfortable with a good standard of living. Private school might be off the table though. Even with 75k I think it would have been very tight - many senior indies cost c.£25k a year.

I think it depends what you earn and where you live. For example 40k where I now live is a very good wage, but I grew up in London and it would be a struggle to have a family on that.

I live alone (on nothing like £40k) and it is really expensive. Paying 75% of council tax instead of 50%, for example. But it's do-able. And kids can be happy and comfortable without things needing to be expensive.

Sorry I don't know if any of this was actually helpful!

Yes, you can. I get no financial support. I work FT, 9am to 5.45pm, then a few hours in the evening. So basically work all the time....

Pay mortgage on a small 3 bed, child care, bills etc.

We go away every other year for 2 weeks somewhere sunny like Greece. DD does lots of clubs and we do tons of free stuff (as in just the petrol to get there and a picnic)

You can do it. But eower you expections a little, specially if you are not prepared to work all the time.

Well you won't be able to afford private school, and annual foreign holidays might be out of the question. But how comfortable you feel will be entirely dependent on your outgoings. If you have a tiny mortgage and your bills are low you might feel ok. But if your basic outgoings eat up most of your salary then you may have to embrace beans on toast.

I'm a single mum on I imagine less than your salary. We don't feel "poor" but we've not had a holiday for a couple of years and private school is completely out of the question! But we have a lovely (little) home, lots of days out, nice food, I save up for Christmas so it feels special etc

Depends what sort of life makes you happy really, as to how you'll feel. Sometimes I'd like more but mostly I feel lucky to have what we do.

Private school for me suggests more than being “comfortable” tbh, comfortable means all the bills are paid and there’s enough left over to save a bit, replace things as needed and for a holiday each year.

I’d expect as a single parent on a good salary that you’d be able to afford that depending on housing costs etc. You aren’t likely to have the lifestyle you have now with two incomes, but things can still be ok. The thing that would worry be is being the sole earner if for any reason I was unable to work.

I suppose it gets me down that I have a really well paid job and am still going to struggle and my children will miss out.

I'm actually in this position. About to move out, I gross around £40k which should go up and I could earn more if I go back to full-time. But yes, I am worried about our standard of living. My ex will share residence of the children so won't contribute financially. It is scary but essential, I couldn't stay married to him. I will have to move to a less desirable area to reduce housing costs and I'll probably feed myself very cheaply when the kids are not there. It'll be what it will be. I make more than the average family income so surely I/we'll be fine!

Miss out on what?

You just learn to budget. I am on £20k with 3 children. We have been abroad the last two years and have booked for next year. We go in May as it's cheaper. I run a car, pay all my bills. Private school is a big no but I wouldn't choose that if I can afford it.

I earn about 34k. Ex earns similar and pays £400 ish which is the cms minimum. We are comfortable in that i own (mortgaged) a 3 bed semi in a nice town, run a decent but not flash car. Holidays are one per year costing about 1500. I use credit cards to spread the cost of things on 0% interest. Kids not in private schools and as others have said that would be a significant stretch / impossible for most. If your kids were already in private, you cpuld try to get it written into the divorce settlement that he continues to pay or contribute to fees but i speak fron experience when i say this is tricky and still doesn't guarantee he will continue to pay. If you can research and move to near good state schools, take private off the table then the answer to your question is yes.

If you can earn more money - earn more money. I don't get the bit about tax - you know if you move up a tax band, you only pay the higher rate on your earnings above that level, right? So if it was 50pc at 50k and you earned 55k, you would pay 50pc of the 5k not the whole 55k?

If you earn more money, you will take home more money regardless of tax.
If you can earn 75k, go out and do that.

Private school seems a bit unlikely unless you have significant savings or will be mortgage free - even a cheap one is 15k/year and could more more like 25k

Your kids will do fine at state school among with 92pc of the British population so I wouldn't feel like it was much of a failure to send them to a state school.

In what way will your children Miss out?

I’d argue that growing up in a household with money for nice holidays but parents that don’t get on and are ‘staying together for the kids’ is worse than growing up in a happy stress free small house with a week in Wales every summer.

Life is what you make it. Growing up with conflict can be more damaging than you think.

I have one single mum friend who had one child who went private, but it was on some kind of scholarship where a lot of his fees were paid. Although I know she did have to contribute something. She was on about 35k so not a mega high earner. She did do masses and masses of research though and got him extra tuition prior to applying. So it can be done but it seemed like it was a lot of work! I think there were also some difficult times though in that he was then the “poor” kid at private so his friends were off skiing and what not each year which she just couldn’t afford.

There is a huge middle ground between having house deposits etc to give them and eating beans on toast for tea! I’ve done it on my own and it’s true, I don’t have house deposits to give them but they’ve had a decent lifestyle. We have a nice home. They’ve had things they needed/wanted, decent meals, holidays etc.

I'm a single parent take home around £27000, housing costs are low and I work term time only so have no childcare to pay and my parents live nearby who do the school run for me. I know these circumstances are quite unusual though and contribute to having more disposable income than some.

We don't feel poor possibly because we are far better off than my parents ever were, 2 weeks in Europe is affordable, I just put money away monthly. We only eat beans on toast when we want to.

DD is very academic and will try out for our two nearest private schools, if she is successful we would potentially be eligible for a bursary due to being on a lower income.

On £75k you would struggle with private Ed anyway, so that aside yes you can be. I stayed 10 years too long in a marriage because I liked the security if I'm honest, it's robbed me of the chance of having a family with a new partner etc. I didn't think I would feel like this years ago but it's hard rebuilding your life, even harder when you are older

It’s true and I don’t think we would have opted for private. It was nice to have it as a possibility, though, if needed. It all looks a bit bleak and miserable, and the money is a big part of that. It’s one thing to have a shit life, but with no money to distract from the shittiness it is even worse!

As others have said it depends where you live & what your housing costs are. We couldn't afford private school & our joint income is higher than yours & we have low housing costs because we have more than 1dc.

However there are lots of bursaries if you do your research so you may be able to get one of those. I personally wouldn't get hung up on private school.

Op, I'm single, decent salary although not higher rate tax bracket. I made a few changes and we cope well enough.
I stopped buying branded groceries, I cook rather than do ready meals, I buy far less alcohol (ex drank most of it), got rid of gym - do parkrun instead, got rid of sky, smaller car, and fewer of the "keeping up with next door" stuff that ex was obsessed with.
Ok, private school is probably out but you'll have more time with DCs, to help with home work and coax them along.
Honestly, you'll be fine

I’m in this position and it does frustrate me - we’d just got to the point where we were both earning well, the end of the mortgage was in sight...then we split.

I can honestly say I’m so much happier now, I think exH is too and it’s definitely been the right decision for our DD but it’s depressing how the world is geared towards couples - even with a decent amount of equity in our current home, we’ll still both struggle to buy much when we come to sell and will be looking at mortgages lasting right up to retirement.

I guess the way to look at it is that you’ve sacrificed financial security for freedom, that’s how I try to think when I look at my friends in their massive houses or heading off on expensive holidays 😐

How do you work out I’ll have more time with my kids? I’ll barely see them

I am a single parent and pre-divorce my ex hadn’t worked since before DD. I didn’t pay for childcare which helped but we split all equity on divorce. I now live in a 3 bed cottage in a Welsh village (family live here), work full time from home and earn £70k+. Am still not considering private school (but I went to one and hated it so it was never really in the cards). We holiday in our touring caravan with one short abroad trip per year. I’d say we are pretty comfortable! My ex has DD a couple of nights a week and I don’t ask for CM as he earns a lot less than me (in fact I pay for their summer holiday together).

I don’t think it’s impossible to earn well and be a single parent but it goes further if you live in a cheap area, family support makes a HUGE difference and you still need to be realistic about what you should spend on!

7 years on from a split.
I moved to a smaller newer house, less maintenance, more energy efficient, so yes there were costs in moving, but I am saving more than I spent.
I buy far less branded goods, I don't really buy alcohol ( which ex was drinking) and eat less meat.
DD was already in private school and they provided excellent pastoral care in the split so I have continued to pay the school fees, but my sole income was higher than your joint. It has been hard sometimes I would not have started it and I will be so glad when it stops in June. So years our only holiday was a weekend camping.

If after a split you can still afford a home, food, heating, school uniform and petrol without financial assistance from anyone you are doing ok in my book. People have very different perspectives I think.

And you don’t ever think that you and your children might want more?