To wonder if it’s possible to be comfortable / affluent financially if you are on your own?

[lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps]

I think my marriage is over. I would prefer to try and work on it, but Dh doesn’t feel the same and you can’t force someone.

We have two children. Yes, he should and probably will contribute and have them some of the time.

My main worries are financial. I won’t deny that for a second.

There are certain things that have always been probably out of reach. But as a minimum, I wanted my children to grow up comfortable. I wanted to have the option of sending them to private schools if it was needed. I wanted to have the option of helping them through university and with weddings and with house deposits.

That all seems out of reach.

I actually am the higher earner by a significant amount. Our joint income is £75,000 however and I just can’t earn that on my own. Well, perhaps I could but even then I’d be taxed more so I’d be taking home less.

Is it possible to be comfortable as a lone parent? Can you have holidays, days out, nice things ... or is it just always going to be a struggle ending with beans on toast for tea?

It is bollocks because you seem determined to focus on what you won’t have. You’ve got a whole lot more than many single parents so you need to think about that rather than wallowing in self pity.

The majority of DC, from one or two parent families, don’t have what you list (and nor should they IMO if they aren’t to grow up feeling entitled with no resilience in the real world).

You sound completely out of touch with what is ‘normal’ for most people.

Because there is a great deal more to having a good life than the material things.. Im not saying if youre in food bank poverty its a jolly jape but it sounds like your household would still have an above average income and you wouldn't be worrying about if you can meet the bills, just what extras are possible.. What people are saying is that those are not the only thing.

I’d love to bloody well stay married! This isn’t my choice! I’m not talking about an abusive or cruel partner, just a marriage that has gone stale and old and he’s decided it’s not for him. Fine if there weren’t two kids involved.
Sorry to learn this wasn't your choice, OP.

Maybe money doesn’t make you happy but it’s not going to be a very happy life for anybody now, is it. Except possibly him.
Happy parents usually indicate happy kids.
So I hope you will soon find ways to focus on what makes YOU happy.
That might mean putting aside the aspirations you had for helping with private schooling, foreign holidays, university, weddings, house deposits ...
This is not said to depress you. It's to encourage you to take a different perspective. PP above mentioned that providing such help can be counter-productive in terms of raising resiliant, self-funding adults, & while you may not agree right now ... millions of UK kids becoming adults do more than get by without this assistance.

One of your updates mentioned that you feel you will be working so hard that you will not be getting much free time with your children. Kids need time - not money. Look at the PP above, saying staycations, hols with GP's, a week camping in Wales etc haven't impacted their happiness or perception of wellbing. Sure - you are going to have to abandon some of the dreams you had in providing the sort of help that affluent familes give their children. But if you can budget for the least costly home, cheaper holidays, & kids who become self-sufficient earlier, you will be able to offer them more of your time instead. And I genuinely believe that quality time with a loving parent sets kids up for a happy, fulfilling life way better than any amount of money.

Just look at the recent "Roger" thread if that's hard to believe! - his parents' money has done HIM no favours at all - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3752913-Entitled-little-squit?pg=3

I don't believe that thread is genuine tbh.

I don't believe that thread is genuine tbh.

Whatever. It's still live, so MN clearly have no qualms. Besides - we've all met a 'Roger', haven't we?!

The post about "roger" recommending Ben Shapiro and the OP faux naively not knowing his proper name made me think this is bullshit. But yes, whatever.

@lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps (which is exactly what I'm doing right now) I am also facing a change in finances, worked like a dog, relaxed into the rewards for that effort, have plans, suddenly may not be able to afford things I wanted in the immediate future, possibly beyond, don't have crystal ball.

It's really shit actually, regardless of what I may now have to forget about and how important those things were in the grander scheme of things. I've gone into instant nuclear winter mode and I'm wondering whether stealing loo rolls from the pub over the road is a viable option. Which is ridiculous. It's all OK, we're not going to starve but it's not what I wanted or thought I was working towards. And it's ALL I'm thinking about, I'm like a human calculator. But it'll pass, I've been here before and it'll be OK and things change or we adapt over time but in the meantime I'm doing miserable angry budgeting because I know I can hang on to somethings if squeeze a few others and the sooner I start the better, to soften the blow.

Try not to panic or wallow or let the negative eat you up. Different isn't always worse. But I feel your pain.

Think you’re getting a v hard time OP. It’s perfectly natural to go through a period of mourning for what you’ve lost and part of that is that yes, it simply is more costly to live as two households rather than one. And that limits the scale of your financial aspirations. Of course you’ll be ok in the long run, you sound like a very competent woman who will make it work, but it’s going to take some time to adjust to that and it’s perfectly ok to have a moan about it in the meantime.

I’m really sorry about the end of your marriage.

Yes it’s possible especially if you budget
I became a lone parent when DC were 4 and 5
Always managed a holiday usually a week abroad and a week in uk 1/2 terms are generally cheaper
They got similar amounts to their friends for Xmas and birthdays
I’ve always managed to run a car
Helped them both through university
I’m not even a high earner
The down side is I have little savings, almost no pension and will only be mortgage free at retirement

What are you talking about trewser?

I genuinely have no idea what you are referencing.

Thanks for the kindness, others.

Are you on the right thread? Who is roger, and who is Ben?

Sorry sofa we were talking about another thread that was linked up thread.

Life isn't always as you imagined. You just have to get on with what life throws at you and make the most of it. Show your children that you can manage.
I had a good career worked part time, single parent, had 3 young children in child care no maintenance payments, earned about half of what you do. My kids were happy, provided for, had several holidays a year (UK based cottages, caravan or youth hostels), ran a car, had a 4 bed mortgaged house. We weren't wealthy but we were happy and financially managed.
I then became disabled I definitely didn't choose this road. We've had to move areas/ schools so that I could afford a home that was suitable for me (not entitled to social housing due to equity in house). I lost my job, live on benefits and a small pension (I'm in my 40s) I didn't ask for any of this I just have to get on with it.
I won't be able to help my children onto the property ladder (although I didn't have any financial help either) I won't be able to help my kids through university or help them with childcare if they have dc but I will always be there emotionally and support them in anyway I can. My children know this. They've learnt young that things happen life doesn't turn out how you planned but you just get on with it and make the best of it.
You are no way in a position where you can't provide for their needs. Look at the positives you're still going to be able to feed your children, put a roof over their heads, clothe them, educate them and help them grow into independent adults who can stand on their own two feet. Not all children get this.

Honestly OP unless you had a tiny mortgage you wouldn't have been able to afford all those things on 75k anyway.

When my ex sprung on me that he was leaving me for OW, the first thing I did was obsess about finances for about a week as it was something that I could control.

The people who have mentioned that £50k pa is not enough for private schools etc are right. It's £30k pa per child here but I live where the state schools are great so I don't have the guilt that I haven't paid for them to go private when I had a private school education. Their secondary school is very good and they are more ready for uni/the adult world than I was. Depending on where you live your monthly childcare costs could be close to the monthly payment for private school.

Travelling around India etc is something that kids find themselves. It's normal for 16yo+ to have a part-time job or to take a gap year and work for 10 months then go travelling for 1 month.

I'm on a lower income than you and managed to fund some gcse tutor time for my dd without a problem. It was a high priority and I don't see missing out on luxuries or holidays as a problem tbh. She'll be off to uni in 3 years (she's taking a gap year to save as much money as she can before uni) and I'll miss her company over luxuries tbh

Your comments about holidays are pretty clueless though. 2 weeks in Europe when the school kids are child prices is still £5k+. It's far from affordable for everyone

Do you have aspirations of paying for weddings, deposits etc because your parents did that for you? I mean this in the kindest way possible but you need to get over that mentality because your circumstances are different to your parents and your children aren't going to love you any less for not funding these things. I would counter that it's unusual not to pay for these things yourself out of savings or inheritances tbh

It will be ok OP. It's good that you have a good wage and don't forget that your ex should be contributing to the kids too.

Surely OP you’ll be no worse off financially than a household with 2 adults but only one earner for whatever reason. Private education might be out of reach but it is for the majority of families. You might not have tons of luxuries but you definitely won’t be on the breadline.

We’d all love to give our kids amazing gifts and opportunities but sometimes love and security is as good as it gets.

You’ll be ok OP. It’s not where you want to be but it definitely could be a lot worse.

if you're the higher earner within a joint income of £75k, by the time the father has made a contribution to childcare and has paid for housing, it doesn't sound as if he is going to be living the high life.

It's not what you signed up for - but if the relationship hasn't worked out, you need to make the best of it.

As a child of parents that "stayed together for the children" - that can often not be the happiest place for the children to grow up in.

A holiday is likely not out of your reach

A holiday where you go online, book five star everything on one site and spunk 6/7k on two weeks might be, but a holiday where you research everything, sort the best deals and spend 2k won't be

You'll just have to recalibrate expectations and be more organised

Plus you on 50k plus maintenance will be much better off than you would have been as a 75k family trying to squeeze private school in

“I wanted to have the option of sending them to private schools if it was needed. I wanted to have the option of helping them through university and with weddings and with house deposits. “

Your STBXH will still be their father and should contribute to these expenses if they were something you both wanted to do when you began your family.

It’s shit when you get the rug pulled out from underneath you and the future is uncertain.

Then when someone desperately needs a tutor to help them through GCSEs, someone would really benefit from pastoral care at a private sixth form college. What are the schools like in your area? Is there any options for scholarships or bursaries?

university costs, - depending on the age of DC’s you may have many years to save for this (and their father has as well) . I had a part time job and uni to support myself. All my friends did as well. I don’t know anyone who was 100% supported by their parents.

someone wats to get married - nice to make a contribution but not mandatory. Most couples pay for their own wedding nowadays. I don’t have any friends where their parents have paid for their wedding (but many have had a contribution). Again, DCs dad may want to help when the time comes.

someone wants to do an unpaid internship. This is a nice to do.

someone wants to travel round India for a month, - this a a luxury. People normally take a gap year to save up and go travelling.

someone wants to do an MA, - I worked for a year and saved up to do my MSc. Again it’s nice to have a parental contribution but no one I know has their masters fully paid for (unless it was with a nursery)

someone wants to buy a house. All my fiends have saved up their own house deposits. Some have had a little help from their parents.

I had zero help from my parents but still managed to get a BSc, MSc and get married and buy a a house. Yes it was a struggle and I wished I had help like many of my friends. Yes I did wish I could go travelling but I could never afford it. Yes I do plan to help my DC when the are older but I won’t be paying for everything as I don’t want them to grow up lazy and entitled like some of my friends who have had everything paid for by their parents and are still being bailed out at 40!

OP, for what it's worth I grew up in a single parent family. We were poor as fuck, my dad was a deadbeat who spent more time in jail than with me and certainly didn't pay maintenance.

I still look back on my childhood with fond memories. Because I was so loved by my mother. We lived down the road from my cousins, and I was always round at their house. I had loving grandparents. My mum did loads of things with me that didn't cost money.

I don't give a hoot about not going to private school or her not gifting me money for a house deposit. We went abroad a couple of times but my favourite holidays (and the ones I remember the most) were in a caravan in Norfolk.

I’ve never had to rely on a man financially my whole life but I had some luck with property market and have had support from parents during periods of ill health

Op, rather than focus on the bad, these are the good things now I’m single.
No awful in-laws, no endless compromises, no need to cook complicated food every night, no keeping up flipping appearances when I’m tired, I can help ds with homework rather than argue about babysitters because he wants to go out to a gastro pub, no walking on eggshells. Life is much simpler, less expensive, no constantly changing gadgets, I can relax and enjoy what I have rather than worry about what I haven’t. I can read a book or listen to some music without needing to compete. No more dissatisfied constantly grumbling partner. . It’s brilliant. Our house is warm & happy and chilled out. My ds is learning that life without a bmw is fine .

I’m a single mum and manage on far, far less than that. You will be fine and still be able to give them a nice childhood.