To wonder if it’s possible to be comfortable / affluent financially if you are on your own?

[lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps]

I think my marriage is over. I would prefer to try and work on it, but Dh doesn’t feel the same and you can’t force someone.

We have two children. Yes, he should and probably will contribute and have them some of the time.

My main worries are financial. I won’t deny that for a second.

There are certain things that have always been probably out of reach. But as a minimum, I wanted my children to grow up comfortable. I wanted to have the option of sending them to private schools if it was needed. I wanted to have the option of helping them through university and with weddings and with house deposits.

That all seems out of reach.

I actually am the higher earner by a significant amount. Our joint income is £75,000 however and I just can’t earn that on my own. Well, perhaps I could but even then I’d be taxed more so I’d be taking home less.

Is it possible to be comfortable as a lone parent? Can you have holidays, days out, nice things ... or is it just always going to be a struggle ending with beans on toast for tea?

Probably depends on your outgoings more than anything.

My income, after pension contributions and including child maintenance is about £2k per month. Not a lot, but all my outgoings (bills, food etc) are about £1k per month. That leaves me with £1k disposable income. I have only one DC and we live comfortably on that.

University costs I will get help with because I'm on a low income, and my ex will help out too. That's if DS chooses to go.

I have no interest in sending DS to private schools, plenty of married couples can't afford that let alone single parents. And if he wants to go travelling or buy a house that's for him to save up himself and do. I will help where I can but when he's an adult I don't expect to be supporting him financially. My parents don't do that for me and I don't know anyone who pays for that kind of thing for their children!

I wish we could edit posts! Forget the private school. A two week holiday abroad is not beyond the reach of most people.

Childcare is expensive but when both are in school it will reduce a bit & you may earn more by then.

My dc are growing up in a home much smaller than I imagined & I would love to give them more space. unfortunately I can't afford 1.5 million plus to do that & we were just that bit to young to benefit from the huge growth in house prices that has enabled others to be in those houses with tiny mortgages but what can you do.

Then when someone desperately needs a tutor to help them through GCSEs - you could afford that with no private school

someone would really benefit from pastoral care at a private sixth form college - tough!

university costs - they work for a year and you save a bit, they'll get more loan the less you earn

someone wats to get married - dh will help/they pay for it

someone wants to do an unpaid internship - tough!

someone wants to travel round India for a month - wouldn't dream of funding this myself

someone wants to do an MA - again, they fund it

someone wants to buy a house - they cant unless they pay for it

Your dreams for them seem a bit unrealistic tbh.

It’s one thing to have a shit life, but with no money to distract from the shittiness it is even worse!

It depends on your definition of "shit" doesn't it?
& whether you value emotional & personal freedom higher than cash.

I cannot afford a mansion, private schooling, holidays abroad, university fees, house deposits or weddings. I have had times of having to choose between buying bread OR milk. A year when I could not afford any central heating or hot water. A very dodgy few months when I was 2 letters away from having my house repossessed. Things are somewhat better now but I am still sometimes in fuel poverty, often have to put off house maintenance jobs & holidays tend to be staying with friends around the UK.

Does that mean I have a shit life? You might think so.
If you do - stay married.

I'm cash poor, but live the lifestyle of a (frugal!) millionaire. I have no rent or mortgage to pay, & live on a mountain, sourrounded by moors, forests, lakes & rivers. I run a car, & have the best friends that money can't buy.
You might hate my life & think it's "shit".
I wouldn't swap it for any money, if that money came at the price of independence & having to live with a coercive controller.
I think you are setting too much store on money. It really, really, doesn't make you happy. It won't make your kids happy. The only things that genuinely enrich lives tend to be the ones that money can't buy.

But only you can decide what constitutes 'poor', & whether ending your marriage is worth a monetary sacrifice.

We took 3 children to italy in a villa with a pool a few years ago and it cost 6k. Mad.

2 weeks in France camping or in a really basic villa and driving there not flying maybe (we do this often)

I’d love to bloody well stay married! This isn’t my choice! I’m not talking about an abusive or cruel partner, just a marriage that has gone stale and old and he’s decided it’s not for him. Fine if there weren’t two kids involved.

Maybe money doesn’t make you happy but it’s not going to be a very happy life for anybody now, is it. Except possibly him.

A two week holiday abroad is not beyond the reach of most people.

I don't know, I looked at holidays in the mediterranean last Summer. 5-6k plus for pretty average accommodation for 2 wks! I'm loathe to pay anything close to that particularly as when I was a student (early noughties) I had fantastic cheap holidays eg Barbados for £380 with BA flights & B&B.

You can only do the best with what you have. If it's possible to move near to a good secondary school then do that asap.

If your in a decent relationship with transparency on income and both of you have an income you will alway be more financially viable in a duo.

I’m wondering what your childhood was like, I grew up in a house where we were hungry sometimes and never went on a holiday and can remember badly fitting shoes, being cold and the roof leaking. Proper four Yorkshireman Python sketch stuff.

DS has grown up like DH and has had lots of amazing holidays and never wanted for a thing. Part of me worries that he has never known what its like to go without. He knows I had a tough childhood and I have talked about the research on poverty and the projects I have been involved with but it’s not the same as living it. As much as I could fund the whole list of what you wanted to give your dc ’m doing it all, the travelling and marriage bit no way.

DH once said he knew what it was like to be poor as when he was a student he had to live off porridge for a week as his grant was late. He received both barrels for that comment.

You dc will still be in what I would class as the comfortable section of society. I get your disappointed as you were expecting something else though. MIL has never really recovered from having to give up her Housekeeper and massive house when she got divorced. She is embarrassed by her three bed semi, it’s a really nice house but not what she expected.

A two week holiday abroad is not beyond the reach of most people.

It is expensive. I know you are upset but you are sounding as though you have no idea how much things cost

Of course it’s possible, but it depends completely on your income and earning potential.

It can be a very happy life, of course it can!

You’re far too hung up on the money right now, and I get that. My XH and I both earned around £60K Not London when we split - we were bloody laughing!

We’re both happy now - though tbf our love income is bloody good. But yeah - lots that’s would have been possible then, now isn’t.

We’re happy though.

Almost everything on your list is totally normally for most families to leave for their kids to sort. I had not a penny from my parents for wedding, travel, uni, house... yet I have had all those things.

By the time your kids are getting married, they may well out warn you anyway.

Maybe money doesn’t make you happy but it’s not going to be a very happy life for anybody now, is it

Not if you have that attitude, no.

I know youre upset but tbh it sounds like all you care about is money. Maybe youve never been happy and just thought being financially comfortable was happiness?

Its not.

You need to re think your priorities.

"Maybe money doesn’t make you happy but it’s not going to be a very happy life for anybody now, is it"

I hope that this is the shock of your marriage ending, otherwise you've set your children up for an unhappy life, because it sounds as though money = happiness, in your head.

Two weeks abroad is out of the reach of most people, combined with good housing, constantly warm and good clothing.

I've only ever lived on £22k maximum and we've had holidays abroad, but that has meant sacrifice on other things.

I was Widowed, so I understand what you mean by 'it's not what I signed up for', but as cliche as it sounds, you've got to get on with it and live the best life you can with what you are given.

You haven't said where you live, to be able to judge your wage. Here in Liverpool £25k means a decent life. But people do OK on much less. They've worked hard as well, but the opportunities wasn't there.

Guard against becoming bitter and ungrateful for what you do have.

My income is less than yours and I have a comfortable life. My DC does go to a private school but with a large bursary. I go on holiday and we eat out and go out.

I don't live a plush life though - no need.

Frankly on £50k you are being pretty over dramatic. Add any maintenance and as long as you don't insist on stupidly high mortgage payments you'll be fine.

OP you’re in a really shitty part of the process when you have so much to come to terms with. You will survive this. (In fact, my budget spreadsheet was called “Thriving not surviving”).

If you find reading helpful then I recommend “Plan B”.

That’s not what I’m saying.

I won’t see my kids half the time. Half the time when I do see them, I will be working. Despite that, I won’t be able to use that work to better our lives, so it feels a bit relentless and miserable. Yes, my post is about money because at the moment there’s no real point thinking about anything else.

Sorry to hear that ponoka

The work does better your lives though - how much harder would it be if you had been a SAHM, or opted to work part time to be with your kids more? Financially things would be way richer and you’d still be going through a shitty break-up. My guess is that focussing on finances is helping you not deal with how painful the split is for you, which I can really understand but to say that a £50k salary isn’t enough to have a good life makes you sound very out of touch with how very many people live their lives.

No, it’s not what you signed up for, and it will be hard in lots of ways - yes you’ll be working for some of the time you see your kids, if you were still married you’d be working too. Don’t agree contact which means you get no weekend or holiday time so that you do see them part of the time you’re not working. How old are your DC? Things financially get a bit easier when you don’t have preschool childcare to pay for.

Once you get your head round things hopefully you’ll see options open to you but I do get that right now it feels hopeless.

Yes, my post is about money because at the moment there’s no real point thinking about anything else.

Sorry but that’s bollocks - you need to focus on the positives or you’ll definitely all be miserable.

I wish people would stop quoting me. I know what I wrote.

Why is it bollocks?

Sticking your head in the sand wont work op.

A two week holiday abroad every year very much is out of reach of most people. You do realise you earn more than about 90% of the population?