To wonder if it’s possible to be comfortable / affluent financially if you are on your own?

[lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps]

I think my marriage is over. I would prefer to try and work on it, but Dh doesn’t feel the same and you can’t force someone.

We have two children. Yes, he should and probably will contribute and have them some of the time.

My main worries are financial. I won’t deny that for a second.

There are certain things that have always been probably out of reach. But as a minimum, I wanted my children to grow up comfortable. I wanted to have the option of sending them to private schools if it was needed. I wanted to have the option of helping them through university and with weddings and with house deposits.

That all seems out of reach.

I actually am the higher earner by a significant amount. Our joint income is £75,000 however and I just can’t earn that on my own. Well, perhaps I could but even then I’d be taxed more so I’d be taking home less.

Is it possible to be comfortable as a lone parent? Can you have holidays, days out, nice things ... or is it just always going to be a struggle ending with beans on toast for tea?

It’s one thing to have a shit life, but with no money to distract from the shittiness it is even worse!

I’m assuming the split isn’t your choice, so while you’re thinking about the practicalities of being single parent you’re also dealing with the end of a relationship, possibly a bit hurt and heartbroken. I guess I can see why it all feels a bit shit but (and it’s cold comfort just now), you can rebuild something that suits you and your children and you sound like you’re in a fairly good financial position to do so compared to many folk who leave relationships.

Yes but jelly, what I’m trying to get across I suppose is how this isn’t really what I signed up for. When you earn 50k a year you don’t expect to be scrimping and saving and unable to help your kids but I will be in that position. And I’ll have to be working every hour god sends too. Sorry, I’m not moaning at you. I just feel I’ve let my children down.

I had a fairly privileged childhood & the things I fondly remember were not the expensive holidays, days out or certain toys it was activities at home, playing with my siblings & fun holidays like camping.

We went camping last yr (well glamping as I'm not ready for the full experience yet) & my eldest dc (5) has loved it far more than any other holiday we've been on.

tbf in this day & age with living costs as they are you're not going to feel rich unless your income significantly increases. Even if you earned 100k, approx 5.5k a month paying for 2 at private school & nice holidays will leave you feeling like your scrimping & saving.

I 109% agree ploop, that all works for childhood beautifully.

Then when someone desperately needs a tutor to help them through GCSEs, someone would really benefit from pastoral care at a private sixth form college, university costs, someone wats to get married, someone wants to do an unpaid internship, someone wants to travel round India for a month, someone wants to do an MA, someone wants to buy a house.

That’s what I’m worried about. I won’t lie.

I wanted to offer all these things to my children.

Yes but jelly, what I’m trying to get across I suppose is how this isn’t really what I signed up for.

No, of course it’s not what you signed up for, and it sounds like he’s made the decision for you. In all honesty though unless you’re a particularly affluent part of the UK £50k is a good salary and will provide you and your children with a nice standard of living.

Life is much harder without money, but the folk I think of when I think of no money are earning less than £20k with children to provide for. It’s not what you signed up for, and it’s horrible you’re in this position when you don’t want to be, but it’s far from living in poverty.

It’s certainly hard to be affluent as a single parent in my opinion. The reason is that you have to try and be there for your children and so you have to be there a bit more for them. For m, I am working 4 days, my DS has a lot of SEN issues with school etc and I was always having to take time off for appointments with school, with. CAMHs, with orthodontist etc etc and so it was easier to take a day. But that impacts not only on day to day £££ but on my prospects. I can’t take on any big jobs that require me to go away or to have to work in the evenings etc etc. So for me I would say it is harder to be affluent. But life’s not all perfect; we just have to do the best we can.

It’s not poverty, of course. It’s just not what I wanted to be able to offer my kids either.

@lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps. Yup Agreed. I feel the same. It’s not what I wanted either but it is what it is.

OP this is like anything, of course for some people who earn a lot its possible. I've got a friend who is a lone parent to 3 kids and has a brilliant lifestyle because she is a filthily well paid lawyer. She had sod all mortgage left when getting divorced so her high income comfortably affords school fees, good holidays etc.

Of course this is not the case for most. I think what you are asking is generally are people worse off financially separated than combined, the answer is generally yes. Property is so expensive that affording two homes from an income that previously only had to cover one, is always going to keave less money for everything else.

@lyingonthesofaeatingcrisps how old are your dc now though? can you put by some a month

Money can’t buy happiness...
I had the same concerns and while I am less comfortable financially, I am more secure and content in myself and that is a better environment for the DCs.

Financially, you make it work. You can create a loving, warm home for your children without a lot of money.

My 3 won’t be able to go to private schools and I find that hard to get over (first world problem, I know).

Remember you will have more autonomy over financial decisions and one less adult to feed. I work FT and we have a comfortable life, but I am very careful (shop around for utilities, cheap phone, budget holidays every 3 years, staycations, picnics, no take away /eat out rarely etc). I am 45, have no savings and will have a mortgage until I retire.

I am single parent and have a good standard of living by which I mean we have really nice holidays/mini breaks abroad, meals out, Christmas is affordable, we go to the theatre and other nice days out.
My income (with maintenance) is around 60k but my actual income is 45k.
My worry is pension as I have only been working full time again for 5 years after freelancing/part time. I don’t have savings either.

Then when someone desperately needs a tutor to help them through GCSEs, someone would really benefit from pastoral care at a private sixth form college, university costs, someone wats to get married, someone wants to do an unpaid internship, someone wants to travel round India for a month, someone wants to do an MA, someone wants to buy a house.

Do you realise how few parents can actually afford most of these things for their children? Wanting to get married, buy a house, do an MA, go travelling are things that most folk scrimp and save for, that adult children go to work to afford - I’d argue that some of that kind of provision is the purvey of people who earn considerably more than the £75k income you quoted so even in your marriage, they would be a huge stretch.

It’s ok to want better for your kids, but there are always limits, I’d also respectfully suggest that planning on funding your children’s life choices well into adulthood may be counterproductive in any event.

If you want more you will have to earn it.

Millions of people have far less than you as a combined household and they probably feel it isnt what they signed up for either, pay growth has been stagnant for many etc.

Unless you live in London, you do have a comfortable income!

Oh, and I earn 100,000pa. Not in UK - cost of living is very high in my city.

Then when someone desperately needs a tutor to help them through GCSEs, someone would really benefit from pastoral care at a private sixth form college, university costs, someone wats to get married, someone wants to do an unpaid internship, someone wants to travel round India for a month, someone wants to do an MA, someone wants to buy a house

A lot of together couples wouldn't be able to fund half of this stuff.

Money doesnt buy you happiness.

After a divorce i think your kids will more likely want your time than your money.

The only way you'll let your children down is by being emotionally unavailable, they care about time with you not money.

sorry too soon!

put some money by a month so that you have a nest egg for tutoring etc?

form college, university costs, someone wats to get married, someone wants to do an unpaid internship, someone wants to travel round India for a month, someone wants to do an MA, someone wants to buy a house.

Again you need to earn a lot for all of this, particularly with more than 1 child.

I had a Saturday job/holiday one from the age of 17. I didn't go travelling but my siblings did & they saved for it. We did have the opportunity to live at home in London with minimal rent. I also had a job at uni. I didnt/don't feel hard done by. I did get help with wedding but also saved for & deposit but that's because I didn't get it for uni or travelling etc.

I won't be funding all of the above for my dc.

Oh, and private was never really possibility on £75k household income, unless you were willing to sacrifice the earth for it.Think you are out of touch about what it costs to put 2 through indie this days. Most people paying for that (in SE at least) will be on £100k or more.

what do you think your children will miss out on though?

I have an income of much less than £50k. I have one teenager. He is adopted so no financial support from a partner. We do allright. No we don't go on expensive foreign holidays every year, maybe every other year. We have a great time in this country, Wales, Cornwall, Edinburgh are favourite trips, we stay in Youth Hostels, interesting B&Bs, find hotel deals. We have a railcard so scoot round the country on next to nothing. We go to theatre, cinema, all sorts of things, we eat out a lot less now he is a teen and past the £5 childrens menu but we go out for tea and cake as a treat instead. I put money away every month in different pots for Christmas and holidays so I have funds to draw on, I create different pots for other items such as a big scout trip my son is going on next year. You learn to budget.
We don't have a big, impressive house, but a large Victorian terrace with a good size garden which is more than adequate for what we need.
My son misses out on nothing in a material sense, he gets a lot more than the three kids next door who have two working parents.

Helping out with weddings and house deposits sounds more than 'comfortable' to me. But wouldnt be your sole responsibilty anyway would it?
I appreciate its not what you planned so I think there is an element of you coming to terms with that, but honestly you will be fine on that income.

Yes, I am sure that is very true jelly but it missed the point. I have worked extremely hard to try to get to that point and now I won’t be able to do so anyway.

I think people are fixating a bit on the private school thing, that was one example.

Ring, they won’t get that either, and no I can’t put any by per month because while small children aren’t expensive childcare is, very.

Personally I'd just forget about the private school thing (and they vary greatly as well so not always worth the cost) but many offer bursaries, generally mean tested, they all have their own rules. So you might qualify for one but would need to remain below the threshold to maintain it and would still have to pay something. If it's purely results based you'd be better off using some money on private tutoring when it matters (Weak subject, pre exam etc).

Private school and two weeks in Italy are beyond the reach of most people tbh.