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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help- found ecstasy in dd’s room

354 replies

Potatopots · 30/11/2019 08:49

At a loss on what to do. Dd went out last night and took my house key with her (she lost hers)- I’m heading out now and couldn’t find my key on the hook so checked her jacket pocket and found my key as well as a baggie containing 2 ecstasy pills. She’s still asleep but what do I do? Wake her up and confront her? Wait until she’s woken up and ask her about them? Leave them on her bedside table for her to see when she wakes up and see what she does before I ask her?

OP posts:
arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 30/11/2019 09:50

I used to do drug minimisation talks in schools as part of a peer-to-peer scheme. We didn't judge or tell them "just say no" (as it's an ineffective message).

The single most important message we had for them was to make sure they knew where to get help if they needed it.

As others have said, Ecstacy isn't as worrying as other stronger and more addictive drugs although it does have some risks. It encourages empathy for others and dancing. As drugs go, there are a lot worse out there. Your daughter may only be doing Ecstacy or she may be doing lots of different drugs and may not necessarily admit this to you. Even if she is taking drugs as responsibly as she can (i.e. researching the risks and acting accordingly) she likely knows others who aren't.

If I had to talk to my kids about this, I'd want to talk through - do they know where to go if they need help? Are they aware of any drugs helpline numbers for example. I might frame it did they know where to get help for themselves or a friend.

Do they know basic harm minimisation for Ecstacy? eg about the risks of overheating but also of drinking too much water and especially about lack of purity of pills. (I'm out of touch now, best to look up what the latest advice is). Back in the day kids used to be able to get pills tested if they knew where to go, I doubt this exists anymore.

But perhaps more importantly do they know how to get support for any other stuff going on in their life (and which you may even be unaware of).

The vast majority of young people I knew who took drugs - even large amounts- as teens, grew up into respectable adults. They are your GPs, nurses and consultants, your children's teachers and head teachers, office workers, business leaders and charity workers. Drugs are very common indeed in the UK.

The kids who didn't do so well in my own experience mostly seemed to be those with issues they were running from / using the drugs as a crutch for those issues.

TheNameGames · 30/11/2019 09:51

@Potatopots
but usually those thousands are from long term use of alcohol, not from a single shot that wasn’t actually tequila but paint thinner

No it isn’t. Alcohol lowers inhibitions leading to many avenues to death. Alcohol doesn’t just kill alcoholics. Alcohol related deaths causes up to 50,000 deaths a year. Not all of them are alcoholics. I would guess a 10th of a fraction of that figure are. Comparingly, ecstasy related deaths per year don’t reach triple digits.

NewName73 · 30/11/2019 09:51

I went through a similar scenario with DS, he was nearly 17.

This is what we did, and it appears to have been effective. We took a tough line.

  1. Stay calm and talk about how you love them & want to protect them. Plenty of online advice about this.
  2. We demanded he hand over his phone & laptop, and found a lot of evidence of other drug taking, and plans to take LSD- so check what else she may be into.
  3. She will lie, do not believe her, and check all her social media. Snapchat & instagram especially. DS had saved posts on Snapchat.
  4. We grounded DS for a few months. After that he was not allowed to go to sleepovers with people we did not know.
  5. Stopped his pocket money and took over his finances basically, he had to ask me for money to do anything.
  6. Took him to meet a friend's son who was homeless then due to his drug problem - he was the most vocal of everyone about telling DS not to be so stupid. He is a family friend we have known his whole life, not a random stranger.

This has worked for our DS. He is a lovely, hardworking, popular boy who made some poor choices. He has grown up a bit.

Some people on here will minimise it, that's their prerogative. This worked for us. It may turn out this is your DD's one & only experience with drugs, but don't assume it is. SHE WILL LIE TO YOU.

Flowers
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/11/2019 09:52

OP I work with a lot of teenagers with drug and alcohol issues. There is some really bad advice on this thread. I'm sure it's all very well-meaning but so much of it is extremely misguided and could do more harm than good. BeamerTown's post is excellent, this is the advice you need to follow.

ewwsweatyunderboob · 30/11/2019 09:54

These clever clever people out to correct what someone’s written when actually they’ve just read it wrong.

Zzzz19 · 30/11/2019 09:54

On the subject of the supply chain, show her the pictures which are easily found online of the three “Essex boys” lying in the morgue with their heads blown in half following their murder for being involved in the supply chain. It’s not a pretty picture but it illustrates what type of people are in the supply chain.

She has to make her own decisions in life but informing them of the background to how the drug got to them is never a bad thing to do.

NewName73 · 30/11/2019 09:55

I would also add it is really important to keep the communication channels open, which is why you must try not to get angry.

We talk about this stuff all the time with DS now. He tells us a lot about what his friends get up to, as well. He is not perfect, but i do think he is a lot ore sensible now.

ArsenicNLace · 30/11/2019 09:57

Leah Betts an isolated incident??!! What planet are you on. Every year young people die from taking drugs & that's just at uk venues. A quick google came up with this article and I'm sure they're a lot more if you want to look.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8829100/teens-dying-festivals-from-drugs/amp/

Shrugging your shoulders and saying everyone's doing it & it's fun and sociable is incredibly stupid and naive.

Having said that I would bin them and have a sensible talk about the risks of drugs. I have always pointed out drugs death stories to my two when they were growing up and they wouldn't touch drugs with a barge pole!

StarClaws · 30/11/2019 09:57

Thing is, you can tell her how dangerous it is, the risks, etc. etc. but if she wants to take them, she's going to take them. Try to think about what you really want to get out of the conversation, and about how the whole conversation is going to seem from HER point of view.

Just like alcohol, I'd rather my kids didn't get drunk in town, I warn them repeatedly of how much more vulnerable they are in that state, etc. but I can't STOP them drinking really.

Dilkhush · 30/11/2019 09:57

I'm with Beamer. I'd only add that it would be better not to ambush your DD the moment she gets up. Let her have some breakfast first so you don't inadvertently start a difficult conversation with a hungry teen.

papaver · 30/11/2019 09:58

Very interesting program on radio 4 a couple of weeks ago which is still available on iPlayer - “Inside the world of the class A student” definitely worth listening to. The expert said due to the nature of mdma there is no safe dose.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 30/11/2019 09:59

usually those thousands are from long term use of alcohol, not from a single shot that wasn’t actually tequila but paint thinner

Heavy / binge drinking as a teen is much risky than taking ecstacy.

You can die from alcohol poisoning from the booze in your local corner shop if yoy drink enough of it - no paint thinner needed! And teens often aren't at all good at regulating their intake.

Plus having an accident / getting into a fight when drunk is a real risk - just see any A&E up and down the land on a weekend.

Plus the risk of predatory men taking advantage is real also (and could well be those previously considered friends) plus recklessness around contraception in consensual sex also as inhibitions are lowered.

Plus, alcohol is addictive, Ecstacy isn't.

Alcohol is MUCH riskier than Ecstacy.

fernandoanddenise · 30/11/2019 10:02

My only young friend that died died as a result of falling over railings while drunk at his birthday party.
Normalised binge drinking is far worse than ecstasy in my mind.
In your shoes OP I’d have a non angry talk about the REAL rather than panicked dangers and point her in the direction of drug testing kits. I’d also hope that it was youthful experimentation and not anything like peer pressure or dealing.

NewName73 · 30/11/2019 10:03

Also agree with everything BeamerTown wrote.

Drugs are rife know - we are all nice middle class families in a rural area, and the drugs they do are not just MDMA, but weed and Ketamine are rife too. You need to get the full picture.

Daisy7654 · 30/11/2019 10:04

I agree with @Dragongirl10.
Well said.
Another PP who said only 3% of people who take drugs get addicted, is utterly ridiculous. This forum is over represented by the very rich. Public school lifestyle it might not affect your life chances that much but for the other 99% of the population, drug taking leads to prostitution, dereliction, often homelessness and often before they're 23 yrs old, death.
I have family members this has happened to.

Patroclus · 30/11/2019 10:05

Defiitely talk to her and chuck them. But be reassured, about half of 17 year olds are probably doing ecstasy ad they get sick of the comedowns by the time they're 18. Its one of the very much more responsible drug scenes

Oblomov19 · 30/11/2019 10:05

Just a calm adult talk is required.
It's hard for a 17 year old to comprehend the risks. But also the minor chance mustn't be over-exaggerated, or else we just appear to be hysterical parents.

Unlike a pp, many of my friends from uni tried a variety of drugs occasionally and none of us have any side effects.

But that's not a condoning. I'm just explaining. I wonder what her response will be, when you do talk to her?

Patroclus · 30/11/2019 10:09

It could be xanax as well. I might even keep them if i was you and do a test, show her what sort of filth shes consuming.P lease dont let it go though. I had lots of friend at that age who got caught out by parents and after having a talk never did it again, and we respected that.

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 30/11/2019 10:10

Public school lifestyle it might not affect your life chances that much but for the other 99% of the population, drug taking leads to prostitution, dereliction, often homelessness and often before they're 23 yrs old, death.
I have family members this has happened to.

I'm very sorry about your family members, but please know this isn't typical.

Moat people, from all walks of life, who take Ecstacy don't end up falling into a life of drug addiction.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 30/11/2019 10:20

You need to do some research and speak to her calmly. Don't go down the drugs ruin lives route. Speak to her about responsible drug taking...if she's going to do it she should know how to do it as safely as possible.

Please don't do what Dragongirl10 said. I worked with homeless people for a long time and the majority started through either trauma or their upbringing. By upbringing I mean one of their parents or family members giving them their first try of heroin or crack at 12/13. In fact I never met one who fell into addiction and homelessness from pills.

Alcohol is so much worse. But many people love a drink so they won't admit it even when faced with facts and evidence. The government also make money off it so it's in their interest to keep it legal but vilify every other drug.

Emeraldshamrock · 30/11/2019 10:23

I would talk to her about the impact drugs have on the world, lifes lost, financing gangsters.
If I knew then the impact drugs had on the world I would have reconsidered. Researching how the drugs are made, again after watching Gordan Ramsay's documentary on cocaine I was horrified.
I haven't took them in 15 years or so.
Watching the cocaine being produced made me feel vile.

Omashu · 30/11/2019 10:27

I would talk to her about safety of drug taking rather than scaring her off it. Someone mentioned drug check kits which is a good idea!

changeforprivacy · 30/11/2019 10:33

This isn’t shocking
As far as I remember, Leah Betts didn't die from drug use. She died from her own ignorance. In her anxiety to not be dehydrated after taking a pill she drank so much water that she poisoned her system and that's what killed her.

I don't think I have read anything quite so offensive and nasty on Mumsnet as this EVER.

What a fucking awful awful thing to say.

You should be fully ashamed of that comment.

changeforprivacy · 30/11/2019 10:34

Sorry ignore the first line it was an error in the paste I couldn't delete

TheNameGames · 30/11/2019 10:39

I don't think I have read anything quite so offensive and nasty on Mumsnet as this EVER.

What a fucking awful awful thing to say.

You should be fully ashamed of that comment.

Wtf are you on about? Confused That is exactly what caused her death