Am I selfish to ask DH not to work away the weekend of our DD's birthday party..??

[FairFam]

Am I being unreasonable?
I feel so upset, sad & let down.
DH said I'm pathetic for being annoyed.
It's our DD birthday party (Sat) followed by 6 extra kids staying for a sleepover.
I work full-time, and when DH mentioned he'd been asked to work certain dates, I immediately told him to let them know he couldn't do that weekend due to DD party etc. He has always been at every birthday party, and felt upset at the thought of doing it all on my own, without DH by my side. So sad for our DD that her Dad not there.
Leading up to it he was annoyed with me for asking him not to go, then he said he'd been offered more money to go.. we do desperately need the money! This is his reasoning for why he should go..
I still feel upset and deserted at the thought of him going, so still asked him not to go, but he is just angry at me, telling me to stop being so selfish as we need the money....

Am I being pathetic & selfish?

Try having all the schools closed for black Friday... Now that is ridoculous

perhaps he is embarrassed to say No to his work

Single mum for 10 years and now Navy wife for 10 year so lack of perspective from your point of view but from mine it’s a non issue and you need to get on with it.

I was lucky DH made it to our wedding.

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable, kids parties can be hard work and it’s not fun doing it alone. On the other hand he’s doing it to support his family , it’s hardly like he’s out on the lash. On balance, I’d suck it up.

@Ellisandra, children's sleepovers, for me, is one of the worst possible parts of parenting for me. Looking after my DCs when they're ill, Parents' Evening, sports day, hospital appointments - I have no problem doing alone. Children's birthday parties - no thanks.

I don’t blame you for wanting him there to assist. But this is your DD’s party with her friends, and I very much doubt whether she will be bothered on a sentimental level. She will be too excited and friend-facing.

I presume he will be home by evening in time for the actual ‘sleepover ‘? Save the cake and have it when he gets home?

I will never understand OPs who start threads and leave out the kid's ages.

It's nearly always really relevant.

Without that info, threads tend to fill up with all sorts of ifs, buts and maybes

I'd expect my DH to ask me if I needed him to stay for the party?
I'd then tell him, no we need the money. You go and work. I'll manage ok.

Everyone is fair and reasonable.

I would however, never invite 6 children for a sleepover. I tend to opt for shorter, less stressful parties. Why make things so hard for yourselves.

Can your Mum, sister, brother or friend come and help during the party?

OP needs to come back and dripfeed some shite update us on her situation.

I agree it depends on DD's age. But based on guess work, I am going to say YABU. It's not pathetic at all. But sometimes you just have to deal with stuff. Could you ask another relative friend or neighbour for support with the party if you need it?

I think yabu.

Why have a party anyway if you’re desperate for spare money?

Hi Op - is it her birthday or just her party? Your original post seems to say it's just her party on the weekend so presumably he isn't missing her actual birthday?

Her age is really relevant here too.

You do sound a bit whiney OP, but that's maybe the panic setting in. I would not have arranged a sleepover for 6 unless I knew 100% DH would be there. If DD is having a party, is be tempted to say we'll do the sleepover bit another time. Both in one day is a bit much for you and the kids if they are under 11. If they are secondary school age then fine, just get food in and let them get on with it.

...we do desperately need the money!

I was edging towards YANBU until I got to this part. If you are having financial difficulties then asking him not to go is putting him in a really difficult position. If he goes, you'll be upset with him and he'll feel guilty for missing his DD's party and leaving you to cope alone. If he doesn't go his family will miss out on money they desperately need and he risks disappointing his bosses, which is not a good idea when you're in a precarious financial position. He shouldn't be calling you selfish and pathetic, that's not on, but I can see why he'd be defensive because he really can't win in this situation, can he?

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father

Well its that work and "need for money" thst will no doubt have paid for the birthday party in the first place, yeh what a horrible Father eh working to pay for things for his children

YANBU to want him there.

But if you really need the money then he should go. Your temporary discomfort with the situation versus putting food on the table and keeping a roof over your heads... Perhaps another family member or friend could assist, depending on the age group?

If you desperately need the money, I can see his reasoning. But it's sad for your dd that he won't be there and very hard work for you to host a sleepover party on your own!

Nobody is being unreasonable, it's just an unfortunate situation.

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father.

Really? Is this comment serious? If it is, then you’ve obviously never been truly short of money. Money that pays for birthday parties, presents and treats in the first place.

My DH works three jobs so my kids have clothes, occasional treats and decent food on the table. It means that I have to step up when he’s out of the house, but that’s my contribution.

Sorry OP, sometimes you have to suck it up for the good of the family.

“He’s putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father”.

Get a grip.

If he wasn’t grafting and supporting his family the vipers would be up in arms.

Get on with it OP.

You sound extremely dependent on your husband, OP. That's not a good thing.

There's absolutely nothing to stop you as a family doing something before and afterwards, nothing to stop him having a skype call with his daughter, nothing to stop him doing something with her on his own to 'make up' for it.

If you give this outward impression of misery and anger to your daughter then yes, it will be a shit birthday for her. Your family needs the money. What is YOUR solution to that?

I'm not trying to make comparisons but, this is one birthday and he's clear and present in his daughter's life every day so why blow this up into something dreadful. It isn't.

YABU. DH used to come to all the DC birthday parties and he ruined it by being moody the whole time, so I don't make him come anymore. I've never needed him to be there except for when DD had a swimming party (needed him because of pool's rules).

YABU to have one of those parties where a select few stay over the night and the less-wanted get sent home.
Otherwise, holding sleepover parties is the devil's own and dh should be there.

i and others were asking the age probably because it can change the dynamic, pizzas films etc are fine but younger kids might get into squabbles and need more wrangling whereas older kids can be left more to their own devices so to speak.

so it's a birthday followed by a sleep over,