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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish to ask DH not to work away the weekend of our DD's birthday party..??

114 replies

FairFam · 30/11/2019 02:31

Am I being unreasonable?
I feel so upset, sad & let down.
DH said I'm pathetic for being annoyed.
It's our DD birthday party (Sat) followed by 6 extra kids staying for a sleepover.
I work full-time, and when DH mentioned he'd been asked to work certain dates, I immediately told him to let them know he couldn't do that weekend due to DD party etc. He has always been at every birthday party, and felt upset at the thought of doing it all on my own, without DH by my side. So sad for our DD that her Dad not there.
Leading up to it he was annoyed with me for asking him not to go, then he said he'd been offered more money to go.. we do desperately need the money! This is his reasoning for why he should go..
I still feel upset and deserted at the thought of him going, so still asked him not to go, but he is just angry at me, telling me to stop being so selfish as we need the money....

Am I being pathetic & selfish?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 30/11/2019 07:14

Am I being pathetic & selfish?

Depends on how much you need the money?

MollyButton · 30/11/2019 07:17

My DC's father had to change flight times before because he accidentally booked it during a birthday party.

On the other hand how desperately do you need the money?
Can you get another adult to stay over with you to help manage the children?

EleanorShellstrop100 · 30/11/2019 07:19

If you need the money then he is not BU

ThursdayLastWeek · 30/11/2019 07:21

I think if my DH ever called me pathetic and meant it, it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship TBH.

There’s a millions ways that this could have been resolved, but the fact he’s not even pretending to be sorry (oh shit, I got the weekends mixed up, I’m so sorry I can’t change it now) is pretty telling.

Cookit · 30/11/2019 07:22

We need to know how old the children are.

But assuming primary school age, that’s a lot of work and I’d hate to do that alone.

Also being called pathetic is not on.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 30/11/2019 07:22

I think it depends on how often you ask him to do something for you and the family, and how often the extra work is available. If you hardly ever ask and work is available often that's different than if you quite often want him to do something and this kind of extra work is rarely available and will make a big difference financially. Secondly as pp say do you really need his help with the party or it would just be convenient. I don't see dd being that upset if he is not there she will have her friends to distract her.

Tetraread · 30/11/2019 07:22

Why should he pretend to be sorry? He probably isn't thrilled about having to work, but they need the money.

NoWordForFluffy · 30/11/2019 07:24

...we do desperately need the money!

For this reason, YABU. Things can't always work out as you'd like, sadly. The need for money has to come first this time, realistically.

ThursdayLastWeek · 30/11/2019 07:26

So instead of calling the OP pathetic, why can’t he say 'look I’m not thrilled about working either, and I’m sorry that it’s fallen on this weekend'?

Lashing out seems defensive to me.
I say 'pretend to be sorry' because maybe he doesn’t give a shit about kissing his kids birthday, but if he acted like he did the OP would have felt listened to.

DeathStare · 30/11/2019 07:31

You will need an extra adult for the sleepover

Eh? single parents handle sleepovers just fine!

dottiedodah · 30/11/2019 07:33

I think if you need the money then maybe just "suck it up" this time TBH. 6 children for a sleepover is a lot though! Can your DM/DS help at all? or maybe one of their Mums? Children are expensive ,Christmas is round the corner, and your DC birthday as well! All needs to be paid for sadly nothing is free !

Aridane · 30/11/2019 07:44

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father

Read the post - they're desperate short of money

Better a party, hey, that run short of clothes, heating or food

rwalker · 30/11/2019 07:53

You need money That's the important thing . At the end of the day it's only a birthday DD will be entertained with her friends. It possibly will be hard work but It's one of those things.
TBH yes DH would be there to help but with other peoples DD in your house any issues you would deal with them anyway due to men always being view with suspicion when other peoples kids involved.
He would be working not going on the piss for a weekend .

Elbeagle · 30/11/2019 08:02

If you ‘desperately’ need the money, then YABU.

midsomermurderess · 30/11/2019 08:08

We desperately need the mopey. There's your answer. Not 'what a horrible father', rather a man looking after his family.

EleanorReally · 30/11/2019 08:09

it is sad for him also, I guess.
he will celebrate with your dd on another day

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/11/2019 08:09

YABVU. You need the money and he is working to do that. He’s not off on a jolly.

Teachers manage a class of 30 so surely you can handle a party and six children by yourself.

littlepaddypaws · 30/11/2019 08:13

how old is dd op, it really does help to know.

ooooohbetty · 30/11/2019 08:20

If you need the money he's not being selfish to go. I was a single parent and did all my children's sleep overs/parties on my own. It's not hard.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/11/2019 08:22

I’ve said yabu because ywbu to ask him not to go as you need the money. But yanbu to be upset and feel let down.

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:24

@ThursdayLastWeek OP didn’t say he’d called her pathetic - that was her word, asking if she was. It seems he called her selfish, which might be true if she’s been repeatedly trying to make him feel bad about working.

OP says words like ‘still’, so it has come up more than once. If OP is not exaggerating when she says they are ‘desperate’ for money, then it’s not fair to keep going on about it.

I find your preference that he lie very odd!

Doesn’t sound like the party needs 2 adults. I don’t think the child’s is relevant either - unless OP has a dripfeed, it doesn’t take 2 adults to do a sleepover or party.

OP says he’s always been present and she’s ‘sad’ that he won’t be ‘by her side’. So it doesn’t sound to me like she actually feels she needs him there for practical reasons. Sounds more like she just emotionally prefers to share the event.

And I get that. I don’t give a shit about managing parties on my own as a single parent... but I get sad that I can’t sit back on the sofa after they finally go to sleep, and smile with father about how she’s growing up... I sympathise with OP over that.

But it sounds like they need the money, and it does sound like he’s only called her selfish because she keeps dragging it up when the decision has had to be made. I daresay he’s not keen either.

OhTheRoses · 30/11/2019 08:25

If you are desperately in need of the money why has your dd been allowed to plan a big party followed by a sleepover for 6 in the first place? Perhaps it should have been four friends for a movie night anď sleepover AND no issue about your DH working.

littlepaddypaws · 30/11/2019 08:26

red flag - for calling someone pathetic, end of marriage really ? some pp on here really are quite strange.
it's one night, you can do this, if there are problems presumably you have phone numbers for parents / carers.
if the family need the money then it is reasonable for dh to work as it is presumably money for the family. he's having a go at you because he feels that you are putting him down when he's trying to provide for his family, so he is verbally fighting back. it's hardly a red flag from what you have said here.
if you feel you really can't cope ask a friend /relative to help, but in reality even if you are going it alone, it the thought of it is probably worse than the reality. you were psyched up for him being there and now the rug has been pulled it's unsettled you. try to rethink your game plan.
by the way who suggested the sleep over ? must admit i wouldn't have been thrilled by the idea tbh,

CalleighDoodle · 30/11/2019 08:26

You need the money. Of course if he is spending the money himself, and it doesnt go into the family money needs, he would be a selfish nob.

Winterdaysarehere · 30/11/2019 08:27

Presumably you knew what his job entailed when he accepted it?
Yabu to not manage your own dc imo.
If that's at party time then man up woman.