Am I selfish to ask DH not to work away the weekend of our DD's birthday party..??

[FairFam]

Am I being unreasonable?
I feel so upset, sad & let down.
DH said I'm pathetic for being annoyed.
It's our DD birthday party (Sat) followed by 6 extra kids staying for a sleepover.
I work full-time, and when DH mentioned he'd been asked to work certain dates, I immediately told him to let them know he couldn't do that weekend due to DD party etc. He has always been at every birthday party, and felt upset at the thought of doing it all on my own, without DH by my side. So sad for our DD that her Dad not there.
Leading up to it he was annoyed with me for asking him not to go, then he said he'd been offered more money to go.. we do desperately need the money! This is his reasoning for why he should go..
I still feel upset and deserted at the thought of him going, so still asked him not to go, but he is just angry at me, telling me to stop being so selfish as we need the money....

Am I being pathetic & selfish?

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father.

I think it depends on the age of your DD, to be honest. If she’s turning 6, then a bunch of kids sleeping over probably needs extra adult supervision and is a ton of work. YANBU. If she’s 14 and all you need to do is order a pizza or two and the girls will broadly do their own thing, then I think YABU. For what it’s worth, my dad travelled over many of my birthdays growing up and I never felt too let down by it. We still have a perfectly good relationship, as do both my parents. I don’t think this is a game-changer...?

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father.

If he's spending it on shoes and food, rather than himself then it is for his daughter. It depends how desperate for money you are.

If you need the money I'd have him go. If your dd is old enough for a sleep over party I"m assuming the girls are pretty independent. Can you have a friend help if you need it?

Realistically, you can't always do every single family 'event' together sometimes. Life just gets in the way. If you need the money, I'd let him go. One birthday is nothing in the larger scheme of things. My Dad was always travelling for work on birthday party days, it really didn't bother me or my Mum. Could you get a friend or relative round for moral support (& wine). Sleepover on top of party is, er, a lot/brave. That sounds too much hard work tbh. I'd keep it to a party in future just for your own sanity. They'll be over excited party wise anyway then get worse with the sleepover. Rather you than me, even if I had another adult there.

If you need the money then he probably should work in my opinion. How old is your daughter?

I'm away for my younger son's birthday this year, for the last days of school when the prizegivings are (not UK), for the Leaver's Ball for my eldest son - doesn't make me a horrible mother, thanks.

It makes me someone who is the sole earner for my family (I know the OP also works but she said they need the money) and who needs to be away for work occasionally. It happens. A birthday party and 6 kids sleeping over isn't exactly hard work, I've done my fair share of them single handed.

It will only be sad for your DD not to have him there if you make it that way.

It depends. How old is dd, and how does she feel about it?

if you really need the money then he should work

Presumably some of that money goes to housing feeding and clothing his dd?

I was with you until you said you need the money, it’s just one birthday and I assume more a milestone one? If you need the moe y it’s what he needs to do for the family

I do t think you’re being unreasonable. DH has no empathy for you which to me sounds like a red flag. I’d be ok with him going but not calling me pathetic and selfish for wanting him there, that’s mean and unreasonable.

He's hardly going out on the piss or an All Boys' Cycling Tour of the Brothels of Southern Europe. He's working for more money than usual at a time when you say yourself that it's desperately needed although not spending money on presents AND party food AND sleepover snack might have helped there.

Concentrate upon getting organised beforehand, then just enjoy the (fun) stress and the sleepover noise. It usually stops around 2.30am and if they're around 6 years old, there's a good chance you'll find at least one of them asleep in the cat's bed.

I wouldn’t say you’re pathetic/ selfish, but I do think YABU.

I assume it’s not the actual date of her birthday that he’s away? If you really need the money then he should go. It seems daft to miss out on money you really need just for the sake of being there for a party, especially as DD will just be wrapped up with her friends, not her dad.

Do you have someone else you can ask to help you run the party?

Hes putting his work and need for money above his daughter. What a horrible father.

flip it - they really need the money but he won't go... what an utterly pathetic thing to say.

OP it's not ideal, but you'll be ok.

I think there has been a lack of communication.

Ideally your OH would be there for your DDs birthday but if you really need the money then it makes sense for him to be earning extra.

Bad planning as having a bunch of 6 year old on a sleep over is a lot of work, perhaps another activity would have been a better choice.
Could you have another adult stay over with you too - to lighten the load?A friend or relative?

Of course he should go, have the party on a different weekend when he is there, just postpone it.

If you need the money then absolutely he should go to work, unless there's a backstory, do you think he likes the thought of being away on her birthday? But having money to pay the bills is important too. You'll be fine.

Surely when dc get to sleepover age there's no real necessity for both parents to be there? It's not like parents are part of it like when they're little. I understand it's still a burden supplying food, drinks and being on hand in case of any silliness or fall outs, but I don't see there's any need for him to miss work for it when you need the money. From what you say about him not having missed other parties, it sounds like you want him there to be part of it from an emotional angle and while it's always nicer to be together, I don't think that's a big deal for a sleepover. As long as he's not off on a jolly, then I'd understand earning the money comes first and just enjoy family time another day. And if the sleepover is hellish for some reason, make him do the next one. But honestly it shouldn't be that onerous, as long as they're not too young for it.

It'd be helpful if you'd say the age as for some reason the '6' thing is sticking and that feels unlikely to me as v young for a big sleepover party.

It depends on what age your DD is and how much you need the money.

You will need at least one extra adult there in case of emergencies. Do you have someone else to help you out?

He is being practical and you're being emotional. Both understandable however I think in the circumstances you need to look at this objectively. You can still have the party and he can still work for much needed money. I get how you feel but it would be silly to say no to him working

Yabu he's doing it to support the family. You will need an extra adult for the sleepover. Can you ask a friend to help you?

Did you really need to make it so difficult for yourself by having a party and six kids for a sleepover?