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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish to ask DH not to work away the weekend of our DD's birthday party..??

114 replies

FairFam · 30/11/2019 02:31

Am I being unreasonable?
I feel so upset, sad & let down.
DH said I'm pathetic for being annoyed.
It's our DD birthday party (Sat) followed by 6 extra kids staying for a sleepover.
I work full-time, and when DH mentioned he'd been asked to work certain dates, I immediately told him to let them know he couldn't do that weekend due to DD party etc. He has always been at every birthday party, and felt upset at the thought of doing it all on my own, without DH by my side. So sad for our DD that her Dad not there.
Leading up to it he was annoyed with me for asking him not to go, then he said he'd been offered more money to go.. we do desperately need the money! This is his reasoning for why he should go..
I still feel upset and deserted at the thought of him going, so still asked him not to go, but he is just angry at me, telling me to stop being so selfish as we need the money....

Am I being pathetic & selfish?

OP posts:
cjpark · 30/11/2019 08:27

Sorry Op, but I think yabu. In a perfect world both parents would be there for the party but its not perfect - your family needs money and he is going to work to bring it in. He already feels guilty for missing the party, has to work as well - give him a break. Im sure you can manage you DD and her friends if they are old enough to sleep over. Maybe do a 'girlie' night if DH isn't going to be there - dig out nail polish, make some face masks, it will be fine.

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:28

@ohtheroses it doesn’t say it’s a big party. The party might only be that 6. It’s not clear whether the ‘extra’ means extra sleeping over vs a normal night or extra on top of the party number (which would be odd). In my daughter’s social circle, the sleepover parties are the cheapest way to do a party. 6 vs 4 is almost no different in food cost and everything else is free entertainment.

TeacupDrama · 30/11/2019 08:29

The words OP used were "desparately short of money" she did not say we need money for extras so on that basis though DH could have been more tactful he should work and OP is BU,

Yes it would be nice if her father could be there but he is earning much needed money not going on a jolly or to football or preplanned all day cycling with mates

SweetMarmalade · 30/11/2019 08:32

Tbh if I had the chance to work rather than host a sleepover party I would choose work all day long Grin

It really would help to know what ages the dc are.

BigFatLiar · 30/11/2019 08:34

If its a party followed by a sleepover and he's working then depending on the hours he works I would suspect he'll be around for some of it.

HalloweenCandyLeBonBon · 30/11/2019 08:34

Calling you pathetic and selfish is unkind but if you need the money you need the money! You'll survive. And your dd will have many more birthdays

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:35

@ThursdayLastWeek apologies - but re-read and OP did use the word pathetic herself at the end, but I was wrong - she said at the start her husband had said it too.

I agree that being called pathetic might be a sign of a real underlying disrespect. But if it’s borne of an understandable frustration in an otherwise respectful relationship, I wouldn’t be divorcing over it. I do think it is pathetic to say you can’t manage a sleepover without two adults - subject to any dripfeed. I don’t think it’s pathetic to feel disappointed it’s not a shared experience, because you want that experience. It is pathetic to keep on at someone about it though - if that’s to make them feel bad, when you’re desperate for the money.

Yoollyball · 30/11/2019 08:35

Hold on a minute - we are talking about her party aren't we not her actual birthday?

No to missing her birthday ( but i don't think he is) I wouldn't be over bothered about the party - I've done a couple myself and just planned for it to be that way. Obviously better with two but extra money before Christmas is handy too.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 30/11/2019 08:35

There's no need to be sad for your daughter that her dad won't be there. I'm sure if you offered her the choice of her dad being there or her friends, she'd pick her friends!

He doesn't need to be there. It's a birthday party. You can handle it. Parents handle birthday parties alone for whatever reason all the time.

You are being unreasonable.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/11/2019 08:37

YANBU. You both work full time and it sounds like he is not pulling his weight on the parenting front. It is not at all unreasonable to expect your coparent to share 50% of the burden of one of the shittest parts (kids' sleepover and birthday parties generally).

I know a lot of men who are still quick to pull out the 'get out of jail' work card. That should not cut it it any longer; mums work too and you can't both throw up your hands and abdicate responsibility.

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:38

I’m surprise at several people thinking it’s helpful to know the age. I suppose I’m curious. But I’ve hosted sleepovers from the age of 5 to 12 alone. And many of the sleepover my child has been to have been hosted alone because:

  • single parent
  • parent on shift
  • parent away with work
  • parent happily excused as both happy that one gets a night off to escape the madness!

My widower second husband hosted sleepovers alone from 10 to 16 - no issue.

Doesn’t matter what the age is - you don’t need 2 adults.

thedancingbear · 30/11/2019 08:40

What a bastard, working hard on the weekend to support his family.

I'd be out of there like a shot, OP.

This place is unbelievable sometimes

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:43

@Thewheelsarefallingoff you are totally making stuff up!!!! What does the OP say to indicate that he is not pulling his weight? Nothing!

We know that he’s been at every birthday party before now. That doesn’t fit with him not pulling his weight.

The fact that he’s now been offered MORE money to work this weekend, suggests that he acquiesced to OP’s request previously, not to work that weekend.

ChrisPrattsFace · 30/11/2019 08:43

If you desperately need the money, then work is the obvious choice.
If I didn’t need the money, I’d rather he was around. (For my child, not for a party/sleepover)

TheoneandObi · 30/11/2019 08:46

Yabu. It’s the guy’s JOB. Don’t make it harder for him. When DD was small we actually moved her birthday (without her realising) by a day so DH would be home for it. As she and her brother got older DH missed other landmarks and birthdays. But the important Thing is the Whole
Picture. When he is around is he involved? If so then yabu.
I have a friend whose husbands career has suffered bc she has insisted he never goes away. And she also moans about his lack of prospects. Yiu can’t have both!

Hurdygurdy24 · 30/11/2019 08:48

Every job I have ever had, if you need to work away on a given date then you need to work away.

It’s not optional, it’s on that date because it fits with a clients need.

If I had ever said I couldn’t go because it was my kids birthday I would have been seriously unpopular and likely either made redundant soon after or certainly never promoted.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/11/2019 08:50

I'm pointing out that even on Mumsnet posters are too quick to defer to "the man" "working" - Mums work too and all the couple's I know, it's the mum that gets the call at work from school, that arranges the birthday parties and all the other drudge. DC's birthday party is one of the occasions both parents need to pull their weight. OP has my support in that.

LannisterLion1 · 30/11/2019 08:52

If you are desperate for money and he can get extra then yabu. If your d is having a sleepover surely it doesn't need to be hard work? Even if 7 or 8, dvds and put on dome pizza and garlic bread. Let them entertain themselves and do cake in the morning when dad is home.

Have you been guilting him about this? Is that why he called you selfish?

LannisterLion1 · 30/11/2019 08:54

My mum worked on some of my birthdays, she got overtime while dad was a set wage. Can you work overtime too to get more money OP or just your husband?

Snowman123 · 30/11/2019 08:56

Dad has to work. Your well capable of hosting a party and sleepover for 6 children.

Ellisandra · 30/11/2019 08:58

@Thewheelsarefallingoff I don’t disagree that that’s a prevalent view. But you have NO evidence that is happening here. The OP herself says he’s been at all prior parties. She asked him not to work that weekend - and he agreed, even though he wanted to work. So he wasn’t shirking it there.

It’s come up again, because he’s been offered more money - that they desperate need, apparently.

How much weight has to be pulled exactly, for a sleepover party?

I don’t think OP has an issue with the practical side anyway - her reasons are all about feeling sad for her daughter (who will have 6 friends and will likely not care) and wanting her husband by her side. Which is nice. But not a must have when you’re desperate for money.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/11/2019 08:58

In my work as a Youth club leader, which I do training for, DBS etc I would not be allowed 7 kids alone overnight- mainly in case of an emergency. You then have one adult to deal with the emergency, one with the rest of the children.
It's not pathetic to not want that many children overnight by yourself.

Working on a birthday/party... It's just life really. DH has missed all but one of DD2s birthday, including her actual birth, due to work. He will be away next year's as well. A variety of countries around the world. Last year he missed her party we arranged thinking he would be home by an hour. She was just excited to see him and tell him everything that happened and show him her cake. We wouldn't arrange a sleepover though- but have promised one a few weeks after her birthday next year.

Aridane · 30/11/2019 08:58

It really would help to know what ages the dc are

Why?

Witchend · 30/11/2019 08:59

I don't think my df was ever at our parties. Didn't make him a bad dad.

EleanorReally · 30/11/2019 08:59

I really dont blame you for wanting him there op

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