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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

337 replies

TrophyCat · 28/11/2019 14:45

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 28/11/2019 19:22

You managed to save enough money during your career, to enable you to give up work, share have of all living costs for the foreseeable future, and half of the school fees to send your kids to private school?

From my daughter being born until 7 years old, yes.

I worked throughout uni and left with no debt and a substantial amount of savings. I then saved a substantial amount of my wage every month and had a generous year long maternity package which I didn’t need to pay back.

Tetraread · 28/11/2019 19:28

As well as perhaps more likely to have a highly paid partner, maybe they don't have to worry about money as much as their parents are wealthy. Lots of variables, i guess if you would be struggling for money being a SAHM it wouldn't be as appealing as if you dont have to worry about it, and can go out all of the time.

Shmithecat2 · 28/11/2019 19:32

@Camomila

How old are you all?
Tbh I can see the appeal if you've worked for nearly 20 years before hand...
So 22-40 career
40-50 SAHM
50 till retirement - hobby business or postgrad then consulting

Yes, that's how it fell for me. I'm 44, 4 years into being a SAHM. I don't need to work (dh earns well). Ds has been full time at preschool for a year now. Tbh, I wouldn't want to be a SAHM if ds wasn't at preschool Blush. I'm very much looking forward to going back to work when I can.

Thestrangestthing · 28/11/2019 19:33

*From my daughter being born until 7 years old, yes.

I worked throughout uni and left with no debt and a substantial amount of savings. I then saved a substantial amount of my wage every month and had a generous year long maternity package which I didn’t need to pay back.*

That's quite an achievement, however the OP didnt mention her or any of the women she knows doing anything like this.

MsTSwift · 28/11/2019 19:37

There was a good article I read about how women did everything right but employers got greedy so big jobs are now so all consuming its very hard for both parents to do them so the “old” model of one person stepping back and the other going for it at work unencumbered by the family drudge work is forced on couples with “big” jobs. Anecdotally have found this to be the case.

MsTSwift · 28/11/2019 19:40

Dh Cambridge law friends all women of 6 none stuck out City law now sahm, teaching, music part time in house lawyer etc

JacquesHammer · 28/11/2019 19:42

You managed to save enough money during your career, to enable you to give up work, share have of all living costs for the foreseeable future, and half of the school fees to send your kids to private school?

Indeed. But worth challenging the assumption that SAHM is always due to high earning partner!

AmbitiouslyFit · 28/11/2019 19:43

Reading this thread’s replies made me feel better as I’m a SAHM from a top university and I’ve been sick of questions like “ are you going to waste your skills?”..

I have two preschoolers and don’t wish to return when they’re babies. And I feel soooo judged for it. Yet I’m doing what makes me happy even though the judgement of some of my friends makes me very anxious.

OP what do you want? Do you want to work or be SAHM?

Why is it surprising ? Is it a sign that they’ve failed themselves ?

Squiggleness · 28/11/2019 19:48

Maybe as educated, intelligent women they have realised that their children are only young once and everything else is material? What could actually be more important than raising your own children?

Irisloulou · 28/11/2019 19:49

There was a good article I read about how women did everything right but employers got greedy so big jobs are now so all consuming its very hard for both parents to do them so the “old” model of one person stepping back and the other going for it at work unencumbered by the family drudge work is forced on couples with “big” jobs. Anecdotally have found this to be the case.

^^yes that was me! Because DH worked in the city a lot, he wouldn’t be doing the frantic drop off /collecting (can I make it in time!!!) sick days etc, nor would he be home for breakfast, or bedtime.

So essentially I’d have to do a very pressured job and do all of the wrap around parenting jobs most of the week.....
that’s not fun really is it?

And my very ethical, family friendly, flexible employer, didn’t believe I could do a four day week.

Doobigetta · 28/11/2019 19:52

Together they realize that they can lead a much happier, easier life with one of them staying home or working part time. They still remain well up the economic ladder, but give extremely high household income for happiness.

And 99% of the time it’s the woman who stays at home or goes part time. But hey, equal choosy choice, definitely.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 19:52

Yep. I used to have helpful advice of making DH step up and do some drop offs/ help cooking dinner etc . Well when he’s in a different country that won’t work will it?

I wore myself in to the ground doing everything at home and working 5 days a week and all nursery drops offs etc. I’m still quite angry about it now! But is was unsustainable.

HopeClearwater · 28/11/2019 19:54

It’s the contract though isn’t it. You do the house management, arrange the school stuff, stay well groomed and go to the gym, and in return the husband works for a big salary playing with other people’s money in the City and pays the school fees while you look like the kind of wife he deserves. You put the kids through expensive schools in the hope that they repeat the cycle. Oh and you vote Tory cos you’re alright Jack.

MsTSwift · 28/11/2019 20:03

Sometimes it’s the man that steps back. But both with big jobs is not what we wanted. You can fill the gaps with nannies etc colleagues had day and night nannies to cover them both. Not for us. We left London dh works hard but less hard. I had 6 years as sahm then set up my own business catching dh up ! Plan is for him to join me at some point.

karmakameleon · 28/11/2019 20:10

It’s the contract though isn’t it. You do the house management, arrange the school stuff, stay well groomed and go to the gym, and in return the husband works for a big salary playing with other people’s money in the City and pays the school fees while you look like the kind of wife he deserves. You put the kids through expensive schools in the hope that they repeat the cycle. Oh and you vote Tory cos you’re alright Jack.

I really don’t think it works like this. Most of my friends went to university to study subjects they enjoyed, and then chose careers they were interested in and thought they’d be good at. They met men who were doing similar things. Like people of all social classes, they met their partners through work or friends.

Most went back to work after their first child, they used nursery and found managing drop offs and pick ups and a demanding job was impossible. A few thought about a nanny but decided it wasn’t affordable. And some used a nanny and still found that it was all too much.

I think that the only reason we have made it work is that as well as having fantastic nannies, we also have jobs that aren’t crazy. Neither of us works more than 40 hours in the office, and we do relatively little extra work after hours (but both do some) and only DH travels. I only know two other couples who do the dual career thing and lots where one half has stepped down substantially or stopped altogether.

Namenic · 28/11/2019 20:13

No probs having the woman being the one who goes out to work. It’s between the couple - pick a partner who shares your outlook. Though perhaps ease of breastfeeding and the bigger health impact of pregnancy can play a role in thinking about parental leave.

Shared parental leave is a good step forward and more widespread flexible hours would be beneficial I think.

Irisloulou · 28/11/2019 20:22

Shared parental leave is a good step forward and more widespread flexible hours would be beneficial I think.

^^ my experience is that once you reach a certain point in your career, flexible working is not offered. You do the job or leave! When I challenged my employer over part time working, the head of HR said “ well yes we’d all like to work part time, wouldn’t that be nice”

It was a women!

They paid me off in the end, after a long battle.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 28/11/2019 20:55

I feel so privileged to have a good job (yes the 6 figure cliché) and work school hours, mostly term time.

I like working, but I’ve loved being about for my kids. My DH earns enough that I could stay home, we are mortgage free, so no pressure, but work adds so much more than just money.

Why aren’t we fighting for more fights for flexible working? Perhaps some people would like a good job with balance. I find work expectations depressing.

fascinated · 28/11/2019 21:03

@Irisloulou — more or less the same experience here!

Delatron · 28/11/2019 21:17

I used to get glared at when I left my desk at 6pm. Knowing full well I would get home until 7.30. As the kids were going to bed. Some industries aren’t family friendly at all. Something has to give.

MarshaBradyo · 28/11/2019 21:18

Yep finishing time was a ridiculous 6pm which meant nanny only, others stayed later. Women left in droves after dc.

Namenic · 28/11/2019 21:27

I think the flexibility varies quite a bit with industry. In some cases flexible working is MORE available to mid level people than junior people (Usually technical jobs involving reports/code). I’m not sure about senior managerial jobs though. I’m lucky to have switched to a more flexible industry with a good team - Timing was lucky but I’d been looking for a few years. Our goal would be for both me and DH to do PT, but I guess we’ll have to see if that works financially. Personally would give up pay for flexibility.

And DH had a similar experience from HR when he asked for flexible hours to work around my previous long-hours inflexible job.

CountFosco · 28/11/2019 21:48

I think the flexibility varies quite a bit with industry. In some cases flexible working is MORE available to mid level people than junior people

Sometimes it can vary from manager to manager, I went from a job where I had to fight to get a day off to WFH while we had a builder in to one where I don't need to tell my manager if I am WFH. Same employer, just different managers, first did everything by the book, second doesn't care where you are as long as the job is done. And it makes such a difference being able to WFH when I want, I don't particularly like WFH but being able to do it when the car is being serviced or I have a dentist appointment or a workman coming round or even one of the older DC are sick makes such a difference, means I'm not frantically saving leave, this year I've taken just one unexpected day off (youngest had a sickness bug and needed looking after), every other day that would have been an odd day off has been covered by WFH.

blubelle7 · 28/11/2019 21:56

Went to public school and boarding. Still working after 3 young DC (but I do own my own business so set my hours). If I didn't, I would probably be a full time SAHM. I won't be sending my children to board (not a chance in hell).

Tablepicture · 28/11/2019 22:02

Sometimes it can vary from manager to manager, I went from a job where I had to fight to get a day off to WFH while we had a builder in to one where I don't need to tell my manager if I am WFH.

I've experienced similar. I think the managers who show flexibility reap the rewards in the longer term as people are more likely to want to stay working for them. I know there are some people who take the piss with WFH but I do believe they are the minority.