DS birthday - am I being precious?

[prawnsareyum]

For DS' birthday I invited my parents to our home. I had explained that I will bake a birthday cake for him, which would be a suitable size for the 5 people who will be there on the day.

My mother turned up with a home baked cake large enough for at least 25, iced with DS' name and with a birthday candle on it. When it came to cutting the cake and blowing out candles, she expected that her cake is put alongside mine, that he blows out the candle on her cake and that photos are taken of DS with it.

I can't exactly articulate why but it really made me feel off. This isn't normal is it?

There were many other things that happened on his birthday that I know are mad, and I don't want to bore people with it, but I'm wondering with the cake whether it's me that's being unreasonable.

Speaking with you about it first would have been the norm, but she seems to have tried to out-bake you!

So hers was the cake he would have spit all over and nobody wants to eat afterwards? Yours being the one unspat on?

Win win to me.

It's not on it it?

You are his mum and said your plans and she wants to get one over on you. Why do you think she did it? (Control, jealousy, arrogance...)

Is she a particularly good baker? Do you bake much usually? My sister is a fabulous baker (she made & decorated by beautiful 4 tier wedding cake to a genuinely professional standard). She will usually offer to make celebratory cakes for family events. That said she would usually understand me wanting one myself and would probably just offer to help.

Are you one of these people that thinks a 6 inch vic sponge feeds 25 or has she gone genuinely OTT and brought some multi tier extravaganza?

I'd just do two lots of photos one with each cake. You can never have too much cake.

There is a weirdness about birthday cakes. They are such an emotionally loaded food somehow, although rationally they are just some eggs/flour/sugar etc...

My MIL made a thing about cakes. So I embraced it and for many birthdays the DC had super OTT ££££ creations. Then it sort of tailed off and lately she may or may not randomly turn up with something. So I get a smallish cake and if she brings an invariably HUGE one I put mine on top for a two tier cake. Sorted

That was a bit mean of her but then again never have too much cake haha.
I mean I always buy one that I know there'll be some left over that dh will take to work and I can give to family etc.
My dds 1st birthday a friend wanted to make one. She's professional. And wanted to give as a gift.. Fair enough. I was told it would be a surprise. We only had a tea party. No kidding it was a huge no.1 with 36 cupcakes. And individually crafted choc lollies and bits.. It lasted a week.. I lived off cake.

I really want some cake right now

Grim

Why is she competing with her daughter?

Is she usually like this?

NO you’re not being precious!!

It was just so weird, we spoke about his birthday cake and what I was planning on doing, I expect she didn't mention it because she would have expected me to say no to her baking his birthday cake so decided to go ahead anyway.

Both cakes had spit since both cakes had candles blown out!

There has always been an issue around control and I know she had an expectation of how his birthday should be, including the cake, and since she knows my expectations will have been different she would have wanted to assert herself to get her way.

I am a fairly good baker, I bake a cake every week. My mum proudly told us that the last time she baked a cake was 33 years ago. The photo of the cake with fruit is mine. The pink blob is a rose on the cake from my mother (I haven't uploaded a pic of the full cake as it has my son's name iced on it but hopefully it gives an idea of the standard of baking). My mum didn't like my cake as it didn't have his name and therefore hers was nicer in her opinion.

I actually baked two cakes to give people a choice and there was over half left of both of mine. Only one piece was cut from my mum's cake that three of us shared to taste. It honestly was so big that it would not fit in my 35x35cm cake box.

I can understand bringing food to a party, could get over her not talking to me about it beforehand, but what I find weird is insisting that her cake be THE birthday cake.

I think it's quite shit your mother made sure she was the star of the show. How obnoxious and totally rude. She knew that you were making a special cake for your child yet she still took it upon herself to steal your thunder. Some may say "it's just a cake", but like hell it is. It's the principle of the thing. Does she have form for this kind of behaviour?

With pics this time!

Still no pic!

Wouldn't have bothered me...I'm a rubbish baker though. I used to like my MIL baking my DC's cakes but one day my sister said "Why don't YOU bake the cake? Don't let MIL always do it!" and it was the first time that I realised people had an emotional reaction to it....I carried on letting MIL!

But OP you needed to speak up and say "no....I've made his cake...he gets one cake..." and be firm.

That's odd, I can definitely see the pics! My cakes are yummy but they do look home made rather than professional. You can imagine what a cake looks and tastes like from someone who hasn't baked in 33 years.

There were other things that happened which I know are crazy (eg bringing her own tablecloths to put on our tables, bringing a suit for DS to wear before taking any photos, telling me DS doesn't like my cake because he ate slowly, telling DS she's sorry Mummy didn't make any special foods for lunch for him etc) - it's just her bringing her own cake which I wasn't sure if it's me that's the problem. If I visit other people I would take some chocolates or biscuits as a gift so I'm doubting myself if this is the same thing. Is what she did with her cake normal grandparent behaviour?

She sounds toxic. Why are you putting up with this? It's very unhealthy for your son to be around...he's taking everything in...learning about how relationships work.

You know deep down how odd this behaviour is but I imagine you've become desensitised to it and have forgotten what normal is

telling DS she's sorry Mummy didn't make any special foods for lunch for him

I would more upset about those comments than the cake.

She’s trying to one up you

But why?

It is your mum,why could you not just say to her that you had told her you was going to make the cake and asked her why she had brought one? My mum has passed but I used to be able to talk to her about anything.I can understand her buying an outfit and wanting his picture taken in it mine used to do similar things

(eg bringing her own tablecloths to put on our tables, bringing a suit for DS to wear before taking any photos, telling me DS doesn't like my cake because he ate slowly, telling DS she's sorry Mummy didn't make any special foods for lunch for him etc)

Bloody hell. This would've got to me more than the cake  she sounds quite a nasty person @prawnsareyum

Don't invite her next year, or do a separate celebration first with just your household. It's one thing her having a fixed idea about what she thinks the celebration should be like, but quite another to undermine and belittle you in front of your son. Totally unacceptable.

Now don't get too uptight about this,it's just a cake, or cakes. I don't think your Mil intended to upstage you and YOUR cake, You can never tell what a MIL will do, but I guess it made her happy to bake a cake.

I wouldn't be your MIL, And make a cake, I can bake good cakes, but I don't make any now, as I don't like or eat cakes at all now. I would have to buy a crappy cake from the supermarket for a child now. !!

Er you know she is effing mental right? What was the cake passive aggressive pavlova? I would seriously consider having a seperate birthday party for Granny to go bonkers on and one where you actually enjoy the occasion...if you are still speaking to her in a year. I'm going to guess your mum has lots of other odd/toxic behaviours besides the birthday take over.

I can't say that this would bother me at all, but I am not a good or a keen baker and would just buy a birthday cake out of the supermarket.

No, the thing with the cake is NOT normal grandparent behaviour. Neither are the other things you've mentioned. Do you have a DP, what's their opinion?