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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS birthday - am I being precious?

106 replies

prawnsareyum · 28/11/2019 00:02

For DS' birthday I invited my parents to our home. I had explained that I will bake a birthday cake for him, which would be a suitable size for the 5 people who will be there on the day.

My mother turned up with a home baked cake large enough for at least 25, iced with DS' name and with a birthday candle on it. When it came to cutting the cake and blowing out candles, she expected that her cake is put alongside mine, that he blows out the candle on her cake and that photos are taken of DS with it.

I can't exactly articulate why but it really made me feel off. This isn't normal is it?

There were many other things that happened on his birthday that I know are mad, and I don't want to bore people with it, but I'm wondering with the cake whether it's me that's being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 28/11/2019 09:04

Dd aged 7 asked that dh make her birthday cake going forward as one of her friends described my cake as “odd”. Result!

Laserbird16 · 28/11/2019 09:09

I wouldn't even bother texting her any 'feedback' on her narcissistic display.

You know she doesn't care what you think, it's all about her. I'd just do damage limitation of her behaviour. Limit visits, limit time with DS alone so that she can't be nasty about you. My mum has these tendencies but I'd not as bad as yours. The Granny's celebration worked well, DD loved two parties, I just had to endure the clucking over the order of the tiers of the cake which was VERY IMPORTANT Confused

FraglesRock · 28/11/2019 09:12

If you wanted two celebrations then yours is first, she waits for hers until after.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/11/2019 09:17

She's trying to take control of your DS by means of cake. (Wish someone would try to control me through cake...)

Yours looks amazing, OP. She just showed herself up rather, but I'd watch out for her doing more of similar - does she take DS out on her own a lot?

BreatheAndFocus · 28/11/2019 10:02

There were other things that happened which I know are crazy (eg bringing her own tablecloths to put on our tables, bringing a suit for DS to wear before taking any photos, telling me DS doesn't like my cake because he ate slowly, telling DS she's sorry Mummy didn't make any special foods for lunch for him etc)

Bloody hell! So she totally tried to take over YOUR child’s birthday? That’s disgusting. She knew you were baking a cake, but ignored you and baked a cake anyway; she basically chose your DS’s birthday outfit; she wanted to decorate the table to her taste - and she tried to completely undermine you by filling DS’s ear with poison and suggesting he’d been shortchanged somehow by his own mother!

Outrageous! Do not invite her again. Have a proper birthday celebration for your DS in your house/wherever you choose. Then visit her a few days later (yes, make it a few days) so she can give DS his presents from her and, if she chooses, bake a bloody cake!

Of course, having written that, I’m now thinking that she might well try to upstage you in this second celebration. If so, don’t do it and don’t give her the chance.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 28/11/2019 10:03

At least you know FIL is on your side, so if you end up in a similar situation you know you can put your foot down without wondering what he must be thinking of you.

She completely overstepped the boundaries on all counts. You must learn to put your foot down. You can't let her bring your son to tears again just so that she can get her way over something so minor as changing his clothes.

ElusiveOrangeTwirl · 28/11/2019 10:10

Her rose looks like slices of ham.

DingDongDenny · 28/11/2019 10:45

It sounds like she wants to re-create when she was the mum, right down to bringing the table cloths. Like she is literally taking you out of the picture and putting herself in your place

I would have kicked her out the moment she started manhandling your DS

KarmaStar · 28/11/2019 11:03

It's a cake!move on!🐱

Whattodoabout · 28/11/2019 11:06

My MIL bought a supermarket chocolate one for DS’s first birthday and a sparkler candle too which definitely wasn’t safe so we didn’t use it, he also couldn’t eat the cake. She referred to the cake I made as a ‘gay pride’ cake because I had adorned it with rainbows. We had losses before him so the rainbow signifies that rather than gay pride. I have just learnt to ignore her.

I think some MIL’s like to try controlling situations.

JasonPollack · 28/11/2019 12:15

She sounds horrible, and you are deep in the FOG.

She has ruined your sons birthday, let it be the last occasion she ruins. Don't bother talking to her about it yet. Take some time out from speaking with her altogether. Can you afford therapy?

LovePoppy · 28/11/2019 12:24

@prawnsareyum she wants record of every interaction? Why? So she can slate you to the world?

Your mum is a nasty piece of work.

LovePoppy · 28/11/2019 12:26

Please don’t give in and have two celebrations. Why do that to yourself?

She’ll start treating your son exactly as she does you. If she doesn’t? She’ll teach him you’re useless and not to be listened to.

You need to take a massive step back from her. If your dad isn’t reigning her in, he’s one her side. I’m sure that hurts, but it’s true.

LagunaBubbles · 28/11/2019 12:45

don't think your Mil intended to upstage you and YOUR cake, You can never tell what a MIL will do, but I guess it made her happy to bake a cake

think some MIL’s like to try controlling situations

Its the OPs own Mother, not her Mother in law. So no need for the stereotypical awful MIL posts. Some people are control freaks, not just MIL's!

OP, obviously this isn't about cake, it's just an example of how awful your Mum is and how conditioned you clearly are to her emotional abuse that I suspect she's dished out over the years.

TheReluctantCountess · 28/11/2019 12:53

Wow, I’m sorry that your mother did this. With hindsight, there are things you should have said and done to counteract it, but the past is the past.
Moving on, you either need to put strong boundaries in place, or not invite her to such events again. For me, I’d be so angry that I’d be cutting ties.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/11/2019 13:07

My MIL did this to me on DHs landmark birthday.

I told her I was baking a cake, even down to the detail that I was stressing about him seeing it before the day so I had told him a friend had asked me to make it for her DH so that my DH didn't realise it was his and it would be a nice surprise.

MIL never said a word but turned up on the day with a cake she'd commissioned from a local baker.

We were going on holiday 24hrs later so fuck knows what she thought we were going to do with 2 cakes.....

I'm not precious so had she told me that she had ordered a cake I wouldn't have made one as it would've saved me a whole load of stress!!

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 28/11/2019 13:07

Everyone else has said you're right, and I agree with them. Plus your cake looks like something actually edible.

Hers looks a slice of ham that fell down the back of the fridge three months ago.

MzHz · 28/11/2019 13:16

@prawnsareyum. This is your mum showing her true colours

Don’t invite her again, your dh didn’t want her there.

There’s little point in telling her why, she knows exactly what she’s done

Heather021983 · 28/11/2019 13:17

My mum always offers with cakes but ALWAYS asks before. Usually I say yes if its for dd and then I do the party one and she does one for family. All very weird in my opinion

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/11/2019 13:21

Next time you say loudly and clearly in front of the other guests “thank you mother but as we’ve already discussed I have made DS’s cake. I’ll leave yours in the box and you can take it home when you leave.”

maslinpan · 28/11/2019 13:26

She has given you a very good set of reasons not to see her at all over Christmas!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/11/2019 13:26

Same with the outfit. “Thank you mother but DS is already wearing clothes. He’s not changing.” Loudly and clearly. Then move on. If she gets hysterical let her flounce out the door 🙄

Cam77 · 28/11/2019 13:32

She sounds mad. Could it be the fact that you have son that is taking her weirdness to new heights? Is she trying to live the dream of having a grandson as she never had a boy herself? Sorry if that sounds weird, but you get what I mean, often grandparents get even more excited about a grandchild of the opposite sex to the child they had themselves. But, as I said, her behaviour is not normal in the slightest. Buying presents etc is fine. Trying to run the show without your express permission is not on.

Mamawingingit1234 · 28/11/2019 13:48

Undressing your child when he doesn’t want to change would be it for me. I would have kicked her out. There is so so so many things wrong with it and also how she was talking to him. Basically saying Mummy doesn’t care. Cut this person off!

Starburst8 · 28/11/2019 13:52

I don't think this is what normal grandparents do but saying that i was miffed off as my mother brought pork pie to my son's birthday tea party. I know, l know not so bad in the grand scheme of things, but i had actually told her what food i was providing and no one likes pork pie except her other half ( i thought he could go without for one tea time- obviously not).
Back to the cake... I'm not sure if it's the way you've taken the photo but that rose cake doesn't look appealing at all! I think you need to be more firm with her. It's your child at the end of the day.

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