DS birthday - am I being precious?

[prawnsareyum]

For DS' birthday I invited my parents to our home. I had explained that I will bake a birthday cake for him, which would be a suitable size for the 5 people who will be there on the day.

My mother turned up with a home baked cake large enough for at least 25, iced with DS' name and with a birthday candle on it. When it came to cutting the cake and blowing out candles, she expected that her cake is put alongside mine, that he blows out the candle on her cake and that photos are taken of DS with it.

I can't exactly articulate why but it really made me feel off. This isn't normal is it?

There were many other things that happened on his birthday that I know are mad, and I don't want to bore people with it, but I'm wondering with the cake whether it's me that's being unreasonable.

There probably no point talking to her about it she's not going to listen/agree ... just withdraw, have a look at the stately homes threads will be helpful

My ds and dil would never stand by whilst someone pulled my dgc clothes off. You need to set some boundaries the cake was a pretty minor problem imo.
I usually make dgc cake but I discuss it first with his parents and send pics of ideas and then we choose between us.
Even his xmas gifts have been discussed and chosen with their approval. It’s just good manners and makes for harmonious family relationships.

Thank you all for your responses. @cosima1 has it spot on. There's no dementia etc, this is just the way she is but because we are talking about cake, I didn't know if I was overreacting. If she had just brought the cake as a contribution I would have been happy. If she had told me beforehand I wouldn't have baked two cakes. I don't even care how it looks, I uploaded the pictures in response to someone asking if she's a really good baker. It was my fault about the clothes, after constant pressure I agreed ahead of the birthday that we can try but will stop if he starts crying. I shouldn't have agreed and when he started crying and DH kicked off that she has to stop and took DS away, she just continued to pull clothes around on him. I should have known she wouldn't stop as agreed. I thought maybe AIBU about the cake but seems like I'm not. Lots of thinking to do ahead of any further visits.

Such a weird thing to do!

Baking a cake for a birthday has a huge amount of emotion in it. I well remember my DS (then age 7) getting very upset because i bought a cake from Tesco that year, instead of baking one. Despite the fact that the bought cake looked (and probably tasted) much better than anything I made.
On a few occasions we had birthday parties, but even when we didn't, I usually made some effort over the cake.
On this occassion, I had just started work after being a SAHM for a number of years, and was too anxious about the job, to add making a cake, to the mix.
Of course, left over cake can usually be frozen (I now slice it first, so can defrost a one slice at a time).
However, I think the OP post is about much more than cake. Wearing special clothes, and upstaging your own cake, seems rather weird tbh.

Honestly, people are absolutely nuts. Why are there so many older people like this? What on Earth is wrong with them?

Much as I admire her vulva decoration, she behaved appallingly. Making the birthday boy cry in order to truss him up like Little Lord Fauntleroy for photographs merits her exclusion from future “big days”.
I’d be visiting her at her house from now on, or meeting at restaurants, so you can leave if need be.

I’d be furious.

@StreetwiseHercules Honestly, people are absolutely nuts. Why are there so many older people like this? What on Earth is wrong with them?

Many of them had to give up their wants for their mothers and mothers in law because that’s just what you did. And now they are angry that their daughters and daughters in law aren’t giving them their due.

They were told they would be able to run the show when they were grandmothers because they were not able to run the show as mothers. And now they can’t run the show at all.

Although,Some people are just selfish brats and need all of the attention at all of the time

That's interesting @LovePoppy My GM had no saying at all in anything to do with me, partially because my mother wouldn't hear it and partially because GM lived far away. I wonder why in my case my mother is like this...

@prawnsareyum selfish brat it is.

I’m sorry :(

A lot of the stuff you describe was designed to undermine you or compete with you (telling you her cake was better). The comments to your child saying you didn’t do nice things could really undermine your relationship with your child. No way should you let that slide.

Forcing your child into clothes no one but her wants him to wear is awful too. Now when you look at those photos you’ll just remember how she dominated and his unhappiness at it. How does that improve the photos?

Your cake was miles better, but that’s neither here nor there.

I honestly would reduce the amount of contact if she continues like that.

“ Many of them had to give up their wants for their mothers and mothers in law because that’s just what you did. And now they are angry that their daughters and daughters in law aren’t giving them their due.

They were told they would be able to run the show when they were grandmothers because they were not able to run the show as mothers. And now they can’t run the show at all.”

Thank you. It’s mad though isn’t it, this toxic pattern? I just wonder what is behind this need for status and power over others?

When my kids are autonomous adults I look forward to having a very long rest. They can do what they want! I just won’t have much of an opinion.

I could let the Cakegate ride - although I would be picking up on the subtext, given the controlling/oneupmanship background.

But this is beyond the pale - telling DS she's sorry Mummy didn't make any special foods for lunch for him

That's not oneupmanship - that's actively undermining & attempting to drive a wedge.
However - there is nothing you can do or say that will change your mum's atttude & behaviour. I am sure if you try to raise stuff like this she bats it back, pretends not to understand, & eventually tells you it's your fault for being 'too sensitive' & how it isn't an issue. (It isnt - to her, & your feelings clearly don't matter so she discounts them.)

What you CAN do is either bat back or Grey Rock.
So you could choose to counter that nasty comment above with something like "don't be daft mum, he loves marmite sandwiches" (whatever).
Or absolutely not respond, in voice or expression, so she doesn't get to see she's scored a point.
www.purewow.com/wellness/gray-rock-method

I'm really unclear as to why you are focussing on the cake when the suit debacle obviously upset your son way more. And it was his birthday. And he was crying. How Awful.

Who gives a toss about the stupid cake - your son was upset, that takes precedence

I would put a complete stop to your mothers decision making regarding your son going forward and if she pushes those boundaries tell her to leave your home (or wherever you might be)

Your mother is a spiteful controlling bitch who doesn't deserve to be in your or your ds' life. If I was in your shoes I would seriously think about going no contact.

@StreetwiseHercules I really, really, wish I knew.

I find it maddening

Thank you all for your comments. I agree the non-cake stuff is really bad and I was trying to understand whether that was clouding my judgement about the cake, in case it was normal excited grandparent type behaviour. I already feel awful about how far I allowed them to push the clothes so I need to have a complete re-think about future events. I expect if we see them at Christmas she will spend the whole time talking about how rubbish we made his birthday and how sad they are that we couldn't even put a suit on him so I think we will not be seeing them.

DH refuses to visit them, they won't allow me to visit without him (it's apparently not appropriate but I know she thinks without a husband I have no worth), they won't meet in public and will only visit our home, and I don't want them here, so I will get cutting contact even further. They only visit about 4 times a year anyway and with no phone contact, we will hardly hear from each other.

With that update I really couldn't be arsed with them. It really is all on their terms.
If you do feel the need. Offer to meet half way for a brew etc, when it's declined say whatever they offer isn't convenient either.

The rose on your mums cake looks like labia

I would’ve dropped her cake on the floor after those comments.

Ah I’ve just read the rest of your thread. I wouldn’t have dropped it, I’d have smashed it over her head. OP she’s horrific. Your FIL sounds lovely though.

@Catsandchardonnay I did nearly drop something on the cake as it was left on the kitchen counter under a cupboard where I was getting plates out of, then considered for a split second doing it on purpose, but decided I was too grown up for that

*Where is a bowling ball when you need one???

Oh god my mum used to do the clothes thing too and one Christmas I put my foot down and told her straight up I was not changing the kids to suit her. The difference though is my mother is weirdly competitive with me while still being generally well intentioned. She also caught on and backed off.....your mother sounds more mean spirited and aggressively controlling

Given your mother's behaviour don't bother with a Christmas visit. It sounds like it will be utterly devoid of any Peace, love and joy which is allegedly what it's all about or your mum if you ask her