DS birthday - am I being precious?

[prawnsareyum]

For DS' birthday I invited my parents to our home. I had explained that I will bake a birthday cake for him, which would be a suitable size for the 5 people who will be there on the day.

My mother turned up with a home baked cake large enough for at least 25, iced with DS' name and with a birthday candle on it. When it came to cutting the cake and blowing out candles, she expected that her cake is put alongside mine, that he blows out the candle on her cake and that photos are taken of DS with it.

I can't exactly articulate why but it really made me feel off. This isn't normal is it?

There were many other things that happened on his birthday that I know are mad, and I don't want to bore people with it, but I'm wondering with the cake whether it's me that's being unreasonable.

It certainly will be devoid of peace!

I've been reading through the comments again and some things popped out.

@DingDongDenny replacing herself as mum and taking me out of the picture is a perfect way of describing how I generally feel, thank you! In terms of his birthday she's been going on about what she did to celebrate my birthday and basically tried to recreate it as it's the "right and proper" way. When she came on the day it's all she talked about for the first hour, followed by another 20 mins on how she baked the cake, asking us whether the roses look real etc. Everything about DS has felt like she is trying to assert herself as mum - choosing a cot for him for us to buy after we had shown her his, telling us how we need to structure his day, sending us meal plans etc.

@TimeIhadaNameChange my FIL is lovely. We have shielded him so far from my mother's behaviour as best as we can, so he so for himself the first time the full extent of my mother. He had another chat with me yesterday, reassured me that I'm doing fine as a mum, and he said without any prompting that it looked like my mother was trying to outshine me eg with the cake. I feel really embarrassed though and worry that he's worried his son, my DH, has married into a crazy family.

Oh your FIL sounds lovely OP. I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you. Probably more having grown up to be so great despite your mother!

@prawnsareyum - He sounds a complete darling! And there you go, you have his backing and validation that you are right. Next time your mother tries to take over imagine him standing in the corner, backing you. No need to be embarrassed, your mother needs telling, otherwise she'll keep on trying to take over. And why should he be worried about your blood family? You're the only one his son has chosen and he seems impressed by you. That's all that matters.

Your cake is beautiful and your mums not so.
She sounds awful. A control freak. You neither need or want that in your life.
She needs to be told to behave or else. What she said was horrid and upsetting.

To put it bluntly, if you cannot block the toxic person who should be your mum in behaviour as well as title for your own sake (which should be enough, but guilt may stop you) then do it for your DS. Do it now while she has had less of an impact on him.

He has loving parents and a stable grandparent, but doesn't need an egotistical and controlling person influencing his life.

If you want to give her a chance, cut all contact between her and DS down to a minimum and give her clear ultimatums on behaviour. Set a deadline to see an improvement. I don't think she will change and you are better off putting your lovely family first!

Totally agree with you @Chocmallows. Contact is already down to about a visit every 3 months, my DS doesn't know them. And I know she won't change, I've given her ultimatums before and she would rather lose out and play the victim than change.