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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS birthday - am I being precious?

106 replies

prawnsareyum · 28/11/2019 00:02

For DS' birthday I invited my parents to our home. I had explained that I will bake a birthday cake for him, which would be a suitable size for the 5 people who will be there on the day.

My mother turned up with a home baked cake large enough for at least 25, iced with DS' name and with a birthday candle on it. When it came to cutting the cake and blowing out candles, she expected that her cake is put alongside mine, that he blows out the candle on her cake and that photos are taken of DS with it.

I can't exactly articulate why but it really made me feel off. This isn't normal is it?

There were many other things that happened on his birthday that I know are mad, and I don't want to bore people with it, but I'm wondering with the cake whether it's me that's being unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheAirbender · 28/11/2019 04:19

My MIL would do this and it’s the kind of thing that others would see as a one off and think I’m a cow for getting cross about. However, considering she removed all the decorations I’d made for the tables at our wedding and replaced them with her own, and once arrived for a visit to our new home with decorations (inc a vase with fake flower and pictures for the walls, towels and bedding) for “her” room...well this makes me rage on your behalf!!

Spermysextowel · 28/11/2019 04:43

It is odd that she’s even followed the roses theme from your cake (really beautiful ones on yours).

FenellaVelour · 28/11/2019 04:57

The comments she’s making are really out of order and I’d have to be absolutely clear to her that they stop, or her contact with your son would be closely monitored or curtailed.

FraglesRock · 28/11/2019 05:04

Yep I wouldn't invite her again, or I'd have the cake out on my tablecloth for everyone to admire, I'd also invite her later than everyone else. So if she swanned in with another cake she'd look weird. Have ds dressed already and be very firm that he's not getting changed.
Any odd comments are challenged, why would you say that mum?
Stand your ground or it'll get worse.

FixItUpChappie · 28/11/2019 05:07

Obviously the parents and hosts will have sorted the cake for their own kid therefore is is not just odd but RUDE to rock up with your own as a guest.

Its the sort of thing I could see my mother wanting to do but she would know by now that I would have put hers to the side and flatly refused to use it. I just don't put up with it any more. Competitiveness with your own children is not an attractive quality.

Rock4please · 28/11/2019 05:24

It is odd behaviour , but I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she wanted to bake something special for her DGS and that a lot of love went into making the cake and that it brought her joy. I doubt that she was trying to compete. Just smile and say thank you and either eat it, gift it, or bin it. As others have said, you can never have to much cake Grin

Rock4please · 28/11/2019 05:24

'too' much cake - sorry!

LimeRedBanana · 28/11/2019 05:28

@1forAll74 - suggest you re-read the OP.

It's not about a mother-in-law.

LimeRedBanana · 28/11/2019 05:29

@Rock4please - have you read the OP's other posts on the thread? Still want to give her Mum the benefit of the doubt?

CSIblonde · 28/11/2019 05:35

I wouldn't be inviting someone whose competing with me & manipulating a child & undermining you, with 'apologies' for your supposed faults. Vile. Tell her it's a soft play birthday 'do', limited numbers due to cost & she can come for birthday tea the day before instead: with just you & DH & son. Then have a lovely party without her next day.

blackteaplease · 28/11/2019 05:36

This would really annoy me. I am very emotionally attached to the production of birthday cakes. That is our job as parents. Grandparents have had their turn. (also applies to Christmas stockings).

As for the other things, she has clearly overstepped the boundaries. You are going to have to speak to her or she will do it again and again.

justilou1 · 28/11/2019 05:38

Exactly the kind of shit my mum used to do. Totally domineering and undermining your role as parent. (BTW, she told my son when he was 4 that she was the boss of our family and that he had better do as she told him and convince me that he wanted what she told him he wanted (long story) or she would kick me out of the family. He had nightmares for months.)

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/11/2019 05:43

This is all about control and would naff me right off. My mother is a bit like this. A conversation with her about it wouldn't do any good in my case. In fact it would make it worse, by producing a hysterical reaction, which nicely ensures these things don't get addressed in a normal manner.

prawnsword · 28/11/2019 05:43

My first thought was it’s a girly looking cake & now feel ashamed for applying gender to a cake.

It’s a very pretty cake

It’s weird she brought a cake when you already said had it sorted. So he blew out candles on two cakes ? It’s silly for sure & can see how you would feel undermined.

transformandriseup · 28/11/2019 05:48

Sadly, no I don't think you are being unreasonable... my mum used to be like this with me. It's very childish.

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/11/2019 05:52

This sounds like it's about the dynamic between you and your DM generally OP- sorry but you do sound pretty desperate to come on here to prove that yours was the better cake, looks better, hers was shit, everyone at the party agreed, nobody even wanted hers etc. Have you zoomed in on a particularly shit part of hers to make a point whilst showing yours in more flattering photo? Confused- I doubt a single person at the party including your DS cared about the cake, in the nicest possible way, neither look anything other than an average (but fine) homemade job.

Nobody here knows whether her motivation was controlling and sinister or just misguided, clearly for you there is more to it. I have a friend who always needs to be the one 'hosting' and bringing the cake (even when you turn it down, she ignores and brings one that never gets esten- she isn't the best baker bless her)- she suffers with low self esteem and wants to feel included and important -we've spoken about it several times. She says he feels she doesnt have anything to offer and wants people to like her. Perhaps DM is misguidedly attempting to get your DS to like her- I don't think there is any logic in it.

Durgasarrow · 28/11/2019 05:57

I just want to say that your cake looks absolutely beautiful. It looks like love.

Original poster
prawnsareyum · 28/11/2019 08:03

Thank you all for your comments. I woke up this morning feeling angry at myself for allowing a lot of things to happen yesterday to keep the peace. I should have put my DS' well-being as my priority. There were lots of things that happened yesterday that were not on (like the ones I have already described) but the cake one is where I was starting to think maybe I was being sensitive. DH even started shouting at her when DS was crying while he was being forced out of his lovely birthday outfit into the three piece suit she brought with her but she just carried on "because it's important for the photos", but she just carried on even when he was physically removed, pawing at him to put more clothes on and adjust them. Stuff like that, I know is definitely wrong!

DH didn't want to invite her because there is history of her making me feel awful but I felt bad for my dad, and I also felt it was important for my DS as he would only have had one other person there (my FIL) at his birthday except his parents. Also I was embarrassed not to invite my parents when my FIL was coming from much further away. He had a chat with us last night as he saw first hand how she behaved and told us we need to put our foot down, which was nice to hear as it validates that I'm not ring overly sensitive, but also made me feel sad and embarrassed.

I am going to have to talk to my parents, however, my mother refuses to talk to me on the phone (only over text) so that there is always a record of what was said. Talking would lead to hysterics anyway and emotional blackmail, which I was trying to avoid. In fact when she asked about his birthday she acknowledged that I don't like her interference but then she does exactly that! When I asked her why she brought the cake she said it was a present, there's nothing wrong with bringing presents - except it was made with ingredients she knows DS can't eat but she said we could give him a small piece anyway.

The roses on both cakes was coincidence - it's the only decoration my mum knows how to make and I was gifted rice paper roses which I thought I'd use (since I definitely can't decorate cakes!). I know it doesn't look like a "typical boy's cake" but that's ok 

@dontgobaconmyheart interesting perspective, thank you. No I haven't zoomed in on a particular bad part of the cake. This was how the whole thing looked. It even has my son's name spelt incorrectly even though it's a common 5 letter name (spelt how she wanted us to spell it). I've even said I am good at making cakes that taste good but don't look professional. I would have no problem with her bringing the cake (although would find it odd that she hadn't told me ahead of time so I can adjust my plans, and then brought a massive cake), it's forcing it to be the centre piece and then forcing us to cut it that I find odd (we were not given the choice to store it for another day as another poster suggested).

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 28/11/2019 08:24

Maybe send a text while it's still fresh.

Dm, thanks for coming to ds birthday it was lovely to have more family there for him. However a few things happened that upset us and I need to let you know as they won't be happening again.
I'm his mum and I'm in charge of making or buying his cake, don't bring a cake again as it's a waste and won't be used.
As his parents we'll buy his birthday outfit, don't bring a second as he won't be missing his party by getting changed.
Etc

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/11/2019 08:29

You know your mother is nasty. Your own family can see that and have told you.

I know you only wanted to focus on the cake initially. (Yes, she was rude and dominating. If the cake was merely a present or contribution to the food, she wouldn't have insisted on it being the focal point.)

Your subsequent revelations are jaw-dropping though. Wrestling your little boy out of his clothes into a suit??! Who the hell does she think she is??

I think you need to stand up to her more. You have the backing of your husband, you aren't alone in this.

I don't think you can reason with her. Just say 'no, we're doing it this way' and repeat.

Ponoka7 · 28/11/2019 08:29

I've onlseen behaviour like that tolerated in families of African descent. An old style Italian Mother might have done similar.

If that doesn't apply to you (actually even if it does), then you've got to end this now.

My biggest regret was not limiting contact with my abusive Mother, when I had my first. Every special occasion ended up unpleasant for me, but my DD wanted her Nan there.

To carry on inviting her, you must have grown up with this and see it somewhat as normal. But it isn't. That needs to be her final chance.

You aren't sticking up for your family, DS, or your relationship with him. Your Mother has grinded you that far down.

Courtney555 · 28/11/2019 08:32

She used an incorrect spelling of his name on her cake because that's how she had wanted you to spell it??

The poor boy is trussed up in her 3 piece suit for her pictures, in front of a cake that has the wrong name on it.

"I'm so sorry Mummy didn't make you anything nice"

Are you hearing this out loud??

She's beyond a bitch. This is nasty OP. Really nasty.

cosima1 · 28/11/2019 08:47

Wow OP. She sounds like a loon if the highest order!

So basically, she tried to make the whole party about her -

  1. the cake (yours looks way better btw)
  2. bringing her own tablecloths Confused
  3. bringing a suit and making DS wear it Hmm
  4. telling DS she is sorry you didn’t make him any nice food Shock

She is incredibly narcissistic and I’m not sure there is much you can do about her really. How old is she? As for spelling his name wrong on the cake - could there be any dementia? Sorry I don’t suppose this is very helpful, but she just sounds crazy. And very disrespectful.

SeraphinaDombegh · 28/11/2019 08:50

OP, please listen to people here and make your wishes for the future clear to your mum. Text is fine if that's the only way she'll communicate. I know it's really hard to overcome the feelings from childhood that get dredged up when we interact with parents, but: you are not a child any more. Your mum only has as much power over you as you allow her to have. Put your foot down with clear, unambiguous communication that you won't attend for being treated this way any more, and you won't allow her to upset your son like that again. If she pulls any tricks like that in future, make her leave. You need to be firm and immoveable. Strength to you Flowers

Hepsibar · 28/11/2019 08:59

I think her behaviour is very odd indeed and her comments ... has she the onset of dementia or has she always been competitive or needing to be the centre of attention?

I like the idea of having 2 celebrations ... perhaps you could have one at Grandma/Granny etc house and she can use the table cloths, bake to her hearts content.

Then have another at your home to which you may or may not invite her. Should you invite her and she has baked or brought table cloths, just put them to one side for another day.

Very soon, I guess you may have birthdays off site doing activities or outdoors and so the problem will go away.

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