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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has flipped help

160 replies

StressedTonightHelp · 27/11/2019 21:52

Please give me some advice.

My wonderful DH (together 13 years, married 10) has always been my rock. Calm, kind, sensitive.

To ight he co.pletely lost it with DS on a night when DS was already vulnerable and needing mummy for other reasons. He shouted and I've never heard him shout before.

I'd been looking forward to him coming home as he'd texted me earlier to say he'd bought ingredients to make me dinner. I thought we'd have a lovely night. But he's been foul since he got home.

Jus now he lost it again, ranting about how he's a bad father (he's not). But I've never ever seen him like this before and I'm a bit scared to be honest.

He is always so calm. He's been looking awful for a purple of weeks, very thin and gaunt and I've been asking him to go to the doctor. I don't know what to do.

Any tips?

OP posts:
ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 27/11/2019 22:59

Is DS ok?

Are you frightened because this is so out of character or are your frightened for your safety? If the latter, can you go somewhere or call someone to come over?

It sounds as though he's struggling but tbh it's difficult to tell when we don't know why he shouted at DS and why you're frightened.

I'd suggest you get someone else to look after DS tomorrow night for a little while and have an honest chat with your DH. Tell him he needs to go to the doctor and that you'll support him to make that happen.

Shplot · 27/11/2019 23:02

I don’t want to worry you but my df lost weight and had a personality change like you’re describing, he went to the doctor and within a few weeks he was having intense chemotherapy and radiotherapy for cancer. When he’s calm tell him you’re both going to the gp in the morning as he needs a check up.
I hope you and ds are ok Flowers

Ceebs85 · 27/11/2019 23:02

It doesn't sound like there's any need to be scared. He sounds he needs you to be calm and understanding. I'd just let him know that you're here if he wants to talk about anything, or if there's anything you can help with and give him a hug. Something's going on that he's not talking about and he needs you.

Hope all has calmed down for now x

Footiefan2019 · 27/11/2019 23:03

What’s going on with your ds? How old is he and why was he ‘vulnerable and needing mummy’?

dimdarkashian · 27/11/2019 23:04

Hope you're all okay??

Likethebattle · 27/11/2019 23:05

Has he been taking drugs? Mood swings and gaunt weight loss would fit.

feelinghelplesstoday · 27/11/2019 23:06

Hope you're safe @StressedTonightHelp xx

MissConductUS · 27/11/2019 23:08

Is he taking any medications? Irritability is a common side effect of many.

How old is he?

WonderWomanBra · 27/11/2019 23:10

Like everyone else is saying,talk to him when he has calmed down.There is definately something stressing him out.He needs to talk about it.

mumwon · 27/11/2019 23:14

talk to him & persuade him to go & see doctor & or have a well man spread of blood test to check all systems are working & a psa (prostate) test just to check that (I think once everybody gets to a certain age they should have blood tests annually (that way dr can check kidney, liver, cholesterol, type 2 diabetes (& type 1 but less likely) &thyroid is OK. But I would talk to him calmly when he is less tired/stressed first to check there isn't a problem at work (goodness knows a lot of people are being affected directly or indirectly by Brexit downturn) & whether he is feeling under the weather ( how is his memory & concetration at the moment?)

Notodontidae · 27/11/2019 23:18

You need to have a talk to him, something has gone wrong. Hope to hear from you tomorrow with an update. take care.

MissConductUS · 27/11/2019 23:24

The reason I asked his age is because depression and irritability are common signs of low testosterone. My DH had this in his early 40's and was really vexed by it. It's also quite common - over a third of men have it by their 40's.

cheeseislife8 · 27/11/2019 23:26

Handholding OP, hope you're all safe

dellacucina · 27/11/2019 23:27

Hoping you're ok

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2019 23:34

Hope you are safe, OP. Please prioritize your child and yourself over DH. Even if he is unwell, that's not a free pass for him to intimidate or hurt you or DC: if you need to go elsewhere, call a friend or family member or even the police (if your H's behaviour escalates beyond the previous shouting), do it. Yes, there are various possible reasons for out-of-character behaviour which may need medical help, and your H may then need kindness and support from you while he recovers but you still need to take care of yourself and your DC.

Clearnightsky · 27/11/2019 23:36

I’d trust your instincts OP. Of you feel scared is there somewhere you can go with DS? You can phone the police too if you feel threatened. They won’t arrest him but it is a way of protecting you.

Is there a family member you can phone?

Whilst it will be good to work out with him if there is anything mental or physical health wise, the first thing is the effects on you and DS.

I’d go and stay in DSs room if I were you and lock the door tbh.

Whatever the reason. Right now, this just isn’t okay and if you are scared, do whatever you need to do with no feeling of guilt.

Bowerbird5 · 27/11/2019 23:47

Hope you’re ok. Do you think he is having a breakdown? If you do ring out of hours or A&E as Mental Health nurses can be contacted. My friend used to be on call at night.
Otherwise make an appointment with his GP.

Like others have said Community Police would be able to call if you or your child are in danger. Or if you have the opportunity go and stay with someone or go to a hotel.

Ella505 · 27/11/2019 23:48

You could be in serious danger.

Move out for tonight at least.

LotteLupin · 27/11/2019 23:51

Weight loss. Being uncharacteristically short-tempered. Not himself.

My bet is diabetes.

I think it sounds medical rather than emotional as in breakdown due to stress/external factors he hasn't told you about.

I think your communication sounds usually very good and he'd have told you.

So I think he's got physical symptoms he's been trying to ignore, but now his mood is affected and it's really showing.

Lots of love. Calm chat. GP tomorrow.

ChessIsASport · 27/11/2019 23:57

You need to get him to see a doctor. He sounds ill.

My husband was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last year at the age of 38. It is unusual but it can happen. He became very thin very quickly and gets unusually irritable when his blood sugar is low. He was rushed to hospital as untreated type 1 diabetes is very serious.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/11/2019 23:57

He does need to see a GP, but I wouldn't be overflowing with sympathy for someone who behaved that way.

Your priorities are your child first and then you. If you're not 100% sure he's safe to be around you should take your child and leave.

Nat6999 · 27/11/2019 23:59

First I would get him something to eat in case he is hangry, maybe low blood sugar. Put maybe a sandwich or snack in front of him & a warm drink, then tell him you will let him have some peace until he is ready to talk, you could take your little one upstairs for bath & a story or to play, take something to eat for both of you, if your little one is big enough to be left after maybe half an hour, go downstairs & see if your husband is ready to talk. Don't try to start a conversation, just tell him you are worried about him & you are there when he is ready to talk. Once he manages to talk, persuade him to think about seeing his doctor or self referring to IAPT for counselling.

BillHadersNewWife · 28/11/2019 00:03

Nat if he is hungry then he's adult enough to realise that without op pandering to Hus disgusting behaviour. A warm drink indeed!!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/11/2019 00:10

Let him alone for tonight. Tomorrow in the cool light of day, speak to him quietly about his behaviour tonight.

If he doesn't freely acknowledge that he was out of control or if he tries to blame you or DS then you have a problem. If he does, try to help him put his finger on what the problem was and how it can be avoided or what help he may need. If he doesn't acknowledge it, then I suggest you start planning your exit.

StudentHelp · 28/11/2019 00:14

Hope you’re okay