Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

Completely agree you need to sleep in a bed

cat12 has it

Also can you get a funded place for your 2 year old?

If you work you need childcare.

Is there a pre school playgroup near you that takes 2 year old? Where I live all of them take children from their 2nd birthday and are a lot cheaper than nurseries. Often found attached to infant/primary schools. I have until recently worked from home without childcare and a few half days of peace has increased productivity no end. Or try and find a childminder with an odd gap in the week
I only bath my child twice a week, just flannel and soap the rest of the time.
Give up on eating meals all together. I’ve also become a master of things on toast (beans, mushrooms, eggs and smoked salmon, avocado, Welsh rabit type things) burger in a bun with salad in fact lots of things with salad
I’ve got a limpet bf two year old so I know it’s difficult but can you get the baby to sleep next to you in bed. Cuddle in a fleece blanket and warm the spot up before you ease them down.

I'm completely sympathetic to your situation and I'm honestly not having a dig, but why do couples insist on having young children in close age proximity to each other when they can't mentally or financially afford to? 3 under 4 I can only imagine is an absolute nightmare but yet I read so many occurrences of it on MN

@Cheesestrings123

What do you suggest? She sends one back?

I guess people probably just think it’ll be ok.

OP on the BF thing I think the real issue is then baby is clearly snacking/ snozing on you all night, dependant on the warm hugs and milk the baby isn’t likely to change this themselves so really you need to either set milk times (either by night weaning, bottle feeding or other) or stop the association by not BF. It’s entirely up to you obviously what you do, but the baby won’t suddenly change so I think something will have to happen here and this will be the hardest thing out of everything you need to tackle

I wonder if a change of mindset will help. You are a working parent not a SAHM by day. When you work you can’t look after your children. You may need to do things differently to manage in the hole with two working parents

Home not hole!

Wow that’s a LOT of work. I’m amazed you’ve lasted as long as you can. I think you need to work out how many hours a week you need to work to meet deadlines and then do a mix of nursery and working at the weekend when you DH has all the children, I know you won’t have much time together but it’s not forever. It’s unsustainable what you are doing at the moment.

Am amazed you’re doing all you are and typing coherently on so little sleep OP! I suppose you’re on the sofa bed downstairs so the ‘upstairs team’ work separately, and neither floor disturbs the other?
I think you and bubba are in a downward spiral, ie you’re unhappy and tired, baby is unhappy, tired and therefore seeks extra comfort at the breast. You and your DP need to change this somehow, lots of suggestions here.

The deal is if you're working, you're not there, just like he is in the day.
This.
And all the other good advice given here.
How supportive is your DH, OP? Are you getting along OP? Is he willing to step up?

YANBU. I would be going out of my mind. There’s no way you can keep doing this for your sake or the kids.

Your H aught to be ashamed of himself, you are working yourself into a frazzled.

@ AnnaHorribilis
Firstly, I wouldn’t worry about sleeping with the baby on a sofa bed. He/she is 9 months not 9 weeks. Perfectly capable of moving him/herself or letting you know they aren’t comfortable. So forget about that.

Secondly, 3 young children is horrendously hard work. 3 young children & working? Pretty close to impossible. Especially to find a balance...

I’m not going to offer you practical advice, because I think you’ll already know what needs changing & you didn’t really ask.

But you’re not a shit mum, you’re a normal mum. You’d be a weird mum if you were doing all this & smiling about it!! Give your self a break (literally.)

Take turns having lay ins at the weekend with DH if you don’t already? Imagine those sweet few hours in bed alone 🤤

Only as far as end of page two when commenting, so this could have already been sorted, but could your DH bath them at night, and then use a disposable nappy just at night time, and then cloth nappies in the day? It's just one little thing that could make your life a little easier!

Also, absolutely NOT a bad mum! You care and are reaching out for help as you're struggling and trying to make changes that would mean a nicer life for you and your children, so to me that makes you a damn good mum ♥️

I work full time and have a 22 month old and a 3.5 year old. I'm also married to an absolute manchild. I completely get where the OP is coming from!

As you haven't come back OP, I hope you're out like a light in your comfy bed while DH rocks your baby

You don’t need to sleep train have you tried feeding the baby lying down on the bed and sneaking away? If she legitimately won’t sleep anywhere but ON you, not even next to you, is it possible she has/had reflux?

And 🖕🏻to anyone asking why OP is ‘still’ breastfeeding. Babies need milk until at least 12 months and people can bloody breastfeed as long as they like.

Your 9 month old should be taking 2 naps a day in their crib and going to bed around 7pm - 7am with maybe 1 feeding during the night. You can work during naps and a few hours in the evenings. You will be able to do more in less hours if you have a good sleep. Your husband should take over bedtime routine with the baby to try to break the BF to sleep habit. Honestly you are ruining your children's early years by being tired and stressed and miserable all the time. Follow a proper schedule and get some sleep.

At the weekend I would start leaving. Perhaps for two hours in the afternoon. Do something for yourself... I think 9 months is ok to be left alone for that time.

I'm also a SAHM but work at the weekends. DH does all evenings. I make dinner and some evenings as he gets home I leave. Sometimes I go to the gym other times I just go to shops to do window shopping... it's usually about 1-2hours. But by the time I'm home kids are in bed. We get about 1 hour together.

But I find I am happier as I've had some time to myself... sometimes I take tea sit in the car and read one of my books. I also have PND... and at almost 3 my son still breastfeeds.

DH do the evening shift, as it were. He does bath and bedtime.
Do the disposable nappies for night time.
See if the nursery can take your baby for a couple of hours, as suggested twice a week. Use the time either for work so you don't have to do so much in the evening or just to catch up on sleep an uninterrupted bath or just a walk.
Be stricter with your dh re his contribution and be kinder to yourself.

@ActualHornist Haha! No, sadly not... Just finished work 😴

Have talked to DH and we’ve made plans for me to have a weekend day to work. We’ve discussed this before actually but it never happens, other stuff always comes up plus the baby will need feeding, but I’m going to make it happen, even just for a few hours.

At the moment, no, I don’t get any time to myself at the weekend, nor does DH take them out on his own. I sometimes do if he has work or DIY to do to give him space, but I’ll be knocking this on the head too!

Unfortunately he often does need to work in the evening too. It’s a bit complicated, he works for the family business so gets paid a pittance but is expected to pick up all the slack. He has to work every few Sundays too, and is supposed to take a day off in lieu the following week, but very rarely does.

Childcare for the 2yo is something else we’ve discussed. Maybe even just one morning a week. The 4yo probably would be eligible for 30hrs since I’m self-employed, but I wouldn’t be able to get anything done anyway because of the other two which is why I’ve stuck to the 15 hours so far. I also want to spend time with her while I’ve still got her.

Naps are another issue. The 2yo stopped napping shortly before the baby was born, and the older two basically stop the baby from sleeping properly in the day. Either they start shouting and the noise wakes her, or they want stories or toys or they need a poo or it’s dinner time or school run time, so I have to get up and sort it and that wakes her (sleeping on me, wakes instantly if I miraculously make it to the cot). So she gets maybe three 10-20 min naps during the day, which is definitely not helping the sleep situation at night.

We can’t afford a cleaner or meal deliveries, unfortunately, and we’d be really, really stretched without my income. I took three months off when the littlest was born and wasn’t eligible for SMP and things were very tight. We don’t have holidays or luxuries to cut back on either.

To whoever asked: no, DC3 wasn’t planned (was BF, no period, got complacent) but the close age gap was deliberate, the first time at least. They are a school year apart so the plan was to be a SAHM to both to save money, then start a career when DC2 was at school/preschool. I’m still planning on doing this but need to make it through the next 2/3 years first!

Glad you have had a bit of discussion and come up with a bit of a plan. Is your DH feeling pretty overwhelmed and like life is joyless too? Or does he have some spare capacity to pick up some of the slack?

The family business situation is difficult. Presumably, the low pay comes with a reasonable promise of greater riches in the future? How sure are you of that coming to be? But in any case, your DH needs to be a bit firmer at work about not taking on all the grunt work and start taking his day off in lieu.

But - if there's a family business, presumably there's also a family around? Can they help at all? Even if it's just a monthly babysitting slot?

So dh washes up in the morning and then runs out of space on the drying rack, leaving you with the dirty ones?

Simple solution is he does the easy stuff the night, before then does the breakfast. and readydirty dishes in the morning. Or he actually dries the easy stuff with a cloth and then finishes the job.
If his attitude and solution to just this one job is indicative of his "helping" then that's crap. He needs to step up.

You are having zero downtime and no sleep. You will crack both physically and mentally.

Also, have you had the baby checked out physically? I'd have expected it to be like this in the early days but at 9 months you'd expect to be able to put her down a bit.

Will she take a dummy?