Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

I'm not surprised you are so overwhelmed, but your DH's work situation needs to be addressed and, frankly, if the family firm will let him run himself into the ground on that pay, he might have to bite the bullet and move on. There are jobs on similar pay would be asking him to do half of the hours he's doing now, allowing you to get some proper rest/possibly upping your hours and increasing the household income. His work situation sounds insane.

That is a ridiculous salary and given he is qualified just beyond belief. That hourly rate is far far below minimum wage it isnt even funny. He could get a minimum wage job work less hours and bring in less pay.

It is the biggest part of the issue that you have that his hours are not bringing in the money that you need. If you solved that problem I suspect the others would become much easier.

A conversation needs to be had with him and the inlaws. That if it involves getting another job so be it

It is insane! He’s actually really smart and conscientious (to a fault!) and could really go far, if he stepped outside his comfort zone. Neither of us is wildly ambitious or particularly materialistic, but there’s a difference between that and making a comfortable living. Last year’s wasn’t even 27k because of the 3 months I took off with the baby. And we both have good degrees which we worked hard for and (in my case) took on debt for.

I would never want to go down the tax credits route, but I know what you mean. I genuinely want to work, but I just can’t go on much longer under these conditions.

All other issues aside, 18K a year?!? I thought with the hours / responsibilities he sounds like he has he was earning upwards of 60k.

He could get a 9-5 admin job, or a job as a healthcare assistant (often shifts but no overtime etc - might work very well with childcare etc too) for the same money.

Why is he even doing it?!

It’s a family business. I do understand why fraught that can be.

*how, not why

Not sustainable at all. You need sleep and your baby doesn't need to breastfeed all night so you have to bite the bullet and sleep train, I think. If she'll only ever settle on you and not her dad or anyone else then you are making a rod for your own back. It's different with tiny ones but a 9 month old is definitely old enough for more shared care and it doesn't mean you have to stop breastfeeding - just feed when she needs it rather than as a comforter.

I suspect the biggest reason he’s doing it is that it’s comfortable, familiar, and what he knows.

And yes, it’s also the family aspect and all the loyalty/inter-dependence that that involves.

We have a really good, close relationship with them so I guess it’s also awkward to raise issues like this. I don’t know how able they’d be to just issue a pay rise, and it could be seen as favouritism by the non-family employees.

OP with respect should it be taking him that long as well?

Its either that they are practically running a sweat shop on those wages to hours (and indeed everyone is)

He isnt coping with the workload and therefore takes far longer than anyone else

Either way I do fail to see how you can have a good close relationship with them when he is working himself into the ground for around £6 per hour

If he is qualified he needs to look for another job frankly

You sound like a marvel imo. I could not do what you are doing.

£18,000 is disgraceful if he’s truly needed to work those hours. He needs to make a business case for either another employee or a raise or some combination of both. He mustn’t get a raise and then that he a reason to exploit him further.

If the business can’t afford to pay him properly he should look for another job.

Can’t they make him some sort of director and issue dividends if upping basic salary would be a problem?

If he's doing 60 hours a week is he even making minimum wage?

@AnnaHorribilis could your husband not get paid for his hours? Same as non family employees then if they want to work 60 hours a week because I am pretty sure he is not hitting minimum wage, especially with working days for free.

But your husband needs to manage it better ... he needs to take holiday and lieu time and work his hours ... and his family need to employ someone else to assist or pay an extra part time salary to your husband so you can afford childcare ... 🤷‍♀️

The family business isn’t farming, is it?

If the family business genuinely can’t afford to pay him more or offload some of his work to someone else, and quitting isn’t an option emotionally (and I can see that it might not be), then other family members should pitch in to help out with childcare to enable you to work.

Newmumma You’re spot on. He does need to manage it better and set proper boundaries. That’s the issue with family working: the line between work and “helping each other out” or “doing a favour” are so blurred. He’s a really good person but there comes a point when you have to just say “No”, and he’s terrible at that.

Not farming

Can you afford and/or have the space to have a live in au pair to help you? Could help with school runs and taking the 2 year old to the park. And cooking tea etc?

I couldn't have done without mine - when I had young babies (and also had cloth nappied/breastfed/clingy babies).

And agree, your H is having an easy time of it!

Are you claiming tax credits as you can get them on 26K a year..

Could he go self employed himself and work more? On a minimum wage job at those hours he could probably earn more

Are you not working enough hours to get 30 hours funding? Sounds like you are.

Your baby needs to sleep in the cot. On/off breastfeeding all evening is rediculous. Get children to bed then do your work then sleep in your bed. You are bringing all these issues on yourself.

Thing is op... This situation (working so many hours for less than you'd get doing shifts in a supermarket! - him, lack of any sort of safe boundaries or using normal working/sleep practices - you) has sort of crept in because you've both let it.

In my home, this stealthy way of living life wouldn't happen for one reason... It couldn't. If DH worked so many hours for 18k we couldn't pay our mortgage, he'd have to be doing most childcare or get a better job.

Your post reminds me of a woman who I used to work with... Her husband was a gig musician, made a living from it. Problem is that it was feast or famine. 5 years into the relationship and 2 kids later he had to give it up to do shift work in retail (music on the side as hobby & extra income). Despite it being something he loved, they needed a stable, predictable, realistic income.. earning shit or no money 1 month or having an unexpected bumper gig the next month as well as being unavailable to provide childcare around her work just wasn't feasible.

I guess what I'm saying is.. even if your DH loves his family business, he might need to grow up and put his immediate family first. At the very least you should both be extremely fucking worried about slipping into sleep patterns that endanger your own baby!

Just a quick point OP but are you not entitled to maternity allowance?

You'll end up ill OP. I'd stop breastfeeding. Can the 2year old do some Nursery hours too? Just so you can have breathing space sometimes. Get all your bill paying etc online & direct debit & food shop online too, it's a real weight off your shoulders (click & collect is free). Your DH is being taken advantage of too. If there's no way for a payrise I'd bite the bullet, look elsewhere & tell them why. They shouldn't want him to suffer financially for them.

BF babies often are harder to look after Such bollocks. All babies are different, some are just naturally clingier than others. I have breastfed four babies, 3/4 have been an absolute dream, only one was clingy.

You need better reusable nappies too, they shouldn’t wake up in need of a bath every day. I personally think disposables stink far more than reusables anyway but a wipe down in the morning should suffice.

Your DH needs to do more. He should bath the DC and look after them in the evening so you can work.