Or is this set-up unsustainable and shit?

[AnnaHorribilis]

I’m having yet another thoroughly miserable day (it’s becoming an almost daily occurrence now) and I’d just like a reality check — is this a totally crap and unsustainable situation or am I just in need of a grip? Wondering if this could be PND, even?

DH and I have 3 young children: 4, 2 and 9 months.

My husband works full-time; I am a SAHM by day but WFH (web-related) in the evenings. I earn roughly half what he does, if that’s relevant.

The 4yo goes to a local preschool for her 15 funded hours a week. The younger two are with me full-time. The 9mo is still breastfed and will not be put down for more than 5 mins, and will only sleep on me, day and night.

So, after the older two go to bed, I feed the baby with my laptop balanced on my knees behind her, and work like that from about 8-12. She’s ill and teething at the moment so not settling at all, but I have to just keep swapping sides and carry on because she won’t settle otherwise and I have deadlines to meet.

When I’m too tired to work any more, I close the laptop, slide down a bit on the sofa and sleep half sitting all night, with constant wake-ups from the baby.

DH sleeps in the bed upstairs, usually also working late, and if the older two wake up early or in the middle of the night, they go in with him.

I do all the housework, shopping, and any “life admin” (sorry, I know MN hates that term but think birthday/Xmas cards and presents, bills, insurance, tax, appointments, everything). After previous outbursts about this (from me), DH now does most of the washing up in the morning before he goes to work, leaving the dirtiest pans etc. as he washes cleanest-dirtiest and they won’t all fit on the drying rack 🙄

So my day is basically: get up with the baby; get all three children bathed and dressed; put wash on; make breakfast for everyone; walk eldest to school for 9; come back and look after two or three preschoolers all day as well as any chores that need doing; make dinner for 6 so we can all eat together when DH gets in; bedtime routine; work with fussy baby on top of me; sleep/not sleep sitting up all night; repeat.

Is this normal/expected when kids are this age? I just feel like there’s absolutely NO fun or downtime in my life at the moment.

I’m also not enjoying my children at all. I’m knackered and bad-tempered almost all the time and it feels like they’re always complaining, bickering, crying, making mess, demanding things, etc. etc. etc. I know they’re not, and they’re actually lovely children who I love to bits, but I’m just so worn down and snowed under with everything I’ve got to do.

I feel like a totally crap parent at the moment. I snap at them and feel awful for it, but my temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter by the day. I feel on-edge, stressed out, angry and tearful a lot of the time.

Sorry that was so long! 😭 Basically AIBU to be feeling this way, does this sound like too much to cope with to you or am I just not resilient enough?

They are building their business out of illegally overworking underpaying their staff. Entitled to fair profit, yes, definitely. Entitled to benefit from screwing over their employees, no, definitely not.

Those of us who run businesses without fucking over the employees get quite cross about this kind of carry on. I am surprised you think of them as nice. I am surprised you aren't angry when you see them having nice things bought off the step-son's unpaid labour while you have to work into the night with a baby on your lap. You don't even get to sleep in a bed, and why, to enable them to screw your husband out of fair wages. It is wrong.

Hello,

Just wanted to pop in and say that my dd is 9m old and similar in terms of sleep, would only sleep on me and would wake 10-20 times per night and demand feeding. This week we took her to a cranial osteopath and it’s been like a miracle. The first night she only woke 4 times and then the next night only 3!! And she’s slept either in the cot or next to me in bed (but not on me!) I’ve even watched her on the baby monitor self settle herself back to sleep. I know it’s not going to be a miracle cure as probably a lot of the wakeups are now becoming habit as she’s been waking at least hourly for 9 months but honestly it’s like a different child.

I don't think it's right to try to whip op into a rage against the in-laws.

It sounds more to me like an oversight and just not realising how much op's dh does nor how much impact it has. It sounds like op's dh refuses help and stoically takes on more than he should, and everyone is just used to that.

If op brings it to their attention and nothing changes and it's still all "jam tomorrow", when they need bread and butter today then it's time to get angry.

Category12 I agree, I genuinely don’t think the ILs are slave drivers, they’re just not like that. As someone else said, DH’s passivity and people-pleasing, to the detriment of home life, is the main issue here. It doesn’t come from a place of selfishness or entitlement (well, maybe a little bit of the latter), but that’s still the net effect.

He needs to draw attention to the problems and work with them to find a solution. I’d be just as happy with a lighter workload (for him) and the same pay, we’re managing financially and it’s only a few years before I can work FT, which will easily double our income and make a huge difference. I get that the family business is important to him; it’s just got to come with a reasonable work-life balance for all of us, moreso because it’s not bringing enough in for me to be able to a) stop working or b) get the level of help with the house/children that’s required to allow me to work in comfortable conditions.

@IDontDrinkTea Completely agree that a cranial osteopath might well sort out your baby, it was the best thing I ever did, when DD was 6 months. Best of luck.

An extra £200 a week for DH would mean OP doesn't have to work. That's a £5per hour raise based on 40 hr week. £3.50 per hour based on 60 hours.

Which would bring his salary to maybe £28,500. Which still seems quite low for the length of time he's been there?

Depending on what you both do, could you / he branch out into own self employment for others also? This might add some healthy competition if could get paid a better rate for someone else! My Dh became self employed after a company he originally worked for went bust when our youngest was 2. After the original loss, it worked out Ok as he took on some clients and made contacts etc. Might be worth a thought.

Another thought is you could always do something completely different yourself, say get a weekend job which would give you a break from the DC and evening stress, as it all sounds a but kind of smothering.

Because your DH isn't quite seeing the impact on you, I would ensure he did by making sure he's got the kids from getting home right through until bedtime every weekday. He needs to do childcare when you work just like you do childcare when he works. He needs to take all the children out of the house for a few hours on a weekend so you can work then and/or have some time on your own. You do the same for DH on the other day and he either works or has some time on his own. Same number of hours each. I think when it dips into his own time, he stops getting meals magically appearing on the table for half the week (he should be cooking half the meals), he's dealing with the kids in the evenings including the velcro baby, he might appreciate what you do more. I would consider shutting the door somewhere so you are clearly working and not to be disturbed (just like DH is at work). Even a small desk somewhere would help with this.

If he doesn't like it or doesn't have time for it, then he needs to up his earnings so you can afford childcare during the day. He needs to step up in one way or another.

They’ve built this business from nothing they’re entitled to enjoy their profits.
When there are profits that is true. They are not profits if they are only obtained by making their staff including their son live in penury.

Also re the childcare offer what did he say? Oh no Anna is fine thanks mum? Time to be bloody loud that you are NOT FINE, your marriage is NOT FINE, your work life balance is NOT FINE, and him making all the decisions about it is NOT FINE.
This needs to be a big daily problem he cannot deny so the easier decision is to deal with it. You are not the least important person in his life as well as the unpaid unsupported nanny housekeeper. (Actually you pay him).
Towel has it right. He’s paid for 9-5 (barely), evenings and weekends he owes you time.

Is there a reason you're still breast feeding?

This is terrible. No one needs a reason to continue breastfeeding.

Also again on why still breastfeeding..

@Bluntness100 Why do you think women need a reason to continue feeding their children?

BF babies often are harder to look after.

Would love to see the science behind this. In what way are they harder, @Passthecherrycoke

definitely night wean and get the baby in a cot

Some really horrible advice on this thread.

OP, good to see you are discussing things with DH. I know you said no to just having tax credits but have you looked into uc as a top up? Sorry if this has been converted already.

Er, because you have to breastfeed them?

Happen to be up at 5am breastfeeding my 6month old

Actually @Bluelightdistrict you’ve really pissed me off. Myself and the posters who you’ve quoted by chopping little bits out of much wider replies (read them, the explain what they mean within so no need to request a second explanation just for you) have helped OP a lot on this thread. Who do you think you are swanning on 12 pages in demanding answers?

People are advised to breastfeed to 2 years aren't they?

Advised by who?

WHO

www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

So what happens if you don’t follow every recommendation the WHO make?

The point isn't following every WHO recommendation.

But op shouldn't have to give up breastfeeding if she wants to continue, to facilitate the incredibly poor work/life balance of her dh. It's not breastfeeding that's the problem, it's lack of support and time.

Op is clearly smart enough to do what she likes. Chopping out bits of advice which suggested she consider stopping BF to make her very difficult life easier, and making out she needs to follow WHO recommendations is disingenuous

And unhelpful

I only chimed in cos it was mildly amusing to me that you asked Advised by who?.

So kill me.

I think it’s time for you to be tough with him. If he is a people pleaser then this will be effective. His passivity is not working for you; in fact you’re at the end of your tether. You can’t live like this; you need more money as a couple.
How can you get more?
1). You work more and he works less. You work full time and he looks after the children
2). He asks for properly paid overtime.
3) he gets another job

If he doesn’t do one of these things you will likely get even closer to the end of your tether. Is this what he wants????