How are mothers supposed to go back to work??

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I've just had the dreaded call from nursery to come and collect DS. 'Hello Mrs X, I'm afraid your son is unwell, please could you come and pick him up asap'.

My son is teething. Yes, he's a bit grumpy, but he's teething. Yes, he has a temperature but it's only 38.0 so not exactly an emergency. They admitted themselves he's running around happily with the other children, just being a little bit whingier than normal.

But no, I have to collect him. No they can't even give Teetha homeopathic stuff without a doctor's prescription. And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

I am slammed at work. I'm the only person in my department this week and I'm desperately trying to tie up everything this month before I go on mat leave. I would drop everything if my son was genuinely unwell, but for god's sake he's TEETHING.

How the hell are mothers meant to be able to go back to work? This happens with depressingly regularity and my employer is luckily understanding but their patience is beginning to wear thin...

I remember my neighbour whose son had four children in nursery and primary. When there was an illness going round she would do the nursery and school collections. I recall on one occasion she was caring for four sick children whilst their parents worked. I take my hat off to a grandparent like that, I could not have done it.

The nursery is bonkers. Asking you to collect is OTT and this 24hrs rule is ridiculous.
Thankfully our nursery is sensible. Even the school is relatively sensible. Otherwise with 3 kids we'd never be in work! Our youngest is a bit hot atm, chest related. We know him and nursery know him so we know it's 'normal' and can be managed with salbutamol puffs and calpol if needed. Nursery keeps a close eye on him but so far he has been fine to stay. When he has had temperature they have rang to tell us they are going to give him calpol. If his temperature doesn't go down with calpol then we collect. Otherwise it's fine. Hopefully he'll shake it off in the next day or two.
That and good employers allow us to manage it. DH has 5 days paid dependent leave so he has first go at the time off. After that it's me, I can use some annual leave otherwise it's unpaid. I work a bit less than him so it makes sense. Though if I had sth important on the go he would take the time off either unpaid (if no more dependents day) or work up the time etc.

I think it's a bit daft to just shrug off the issues with 'well both parents do it obviously'. As plenty of PP have touched on, there's plenty of single parents out there who don't have that luxury. I'm with my partner, but due to the nature of his job, he wouldn't be able to do this.

He is a manager and usually, the only manager working the entire shift. If he wasn't to go in, or had to leave early, someone else would have to come in (a nightmare to organise) or his workplace simply wouldn't get opened (a nightmare to deal with). It's much easier for me to take the hit because I work less hours, I earn less money and I'm in a less 'important' position. My workplace could function without me, albeit more stressful than usual.

It's not much use to me having these employment laws in place when a lot of workplaces make it nearly impossible for at least one of the partners to 'leave'.

I totally get it OP! I struggle too.

To everyone saying both parents must split it.
Do you not feel (as a mum) you should be there for your very young child when they are unwell? I'm talking nursery age here, older kids are different.
My dh is capable of managing just as well as me but I would be miserable being away knowing they are unwell and my child would want me, their mummy. (Especially a breastfed toddler)
Have we become SO 'PC' that we can't say sometimes a child just needs their mum.

No I really wanted for my children to need their dad as much as their mum. I would’ve loved my dad to pay me that sort of attention. You need for mum because she looks after You. What could be better than having 2 parents you feel like that about?

@oblada

It's not bonkers. Nurseries are not responsible for other people sick kids. A mild temperature might go home with another child who has vunerable people at home. Not to mention mild temperature could be more sinister. My kids have both had mild temperatures that have turned into tonsilitis and pnunomia. My son doesn't even go to nursery but suffered the consequences of his sister bringing germs home. He was in hospital for four days being pumped with all-sorts because people send kids to nursery Ill.

It's obviously a fact that kids get colds etc. But If people actually kept their kids home to rest and get better, things would stop spreading so easily. If nothing else these poor babies and toddlers need to rest and be home in the quiet with mummy. It shocks me that people think it's tough because we have jobs to go too. If you have children you should take care of them when they are under the weather. Especially under school age

For all those PP having a go at me for dismissing it as teething - perhaps do me the courtesy of knowing my own child? I can tell the difference between genuine illness and sodding teething, thank you very much. Even his teacher admitted this evening when I collected him that it was clearly teething related - flushed cheeks, dribbling like mad, and oh yes, the tip of a tooth poking through very red, inflamed gums.

As I said in my original post, for anything where he is actually unwell, DH or I take time off without a second thought. He's had chickenpox, umpteen colds, D&V, the full nursery gamut. Teething is different and routine.

Yes I agree @Passthecherrycoke but not for very young children, 3 and under.
Maybe this is cos my dad was never that cuddly or good with us when we were ill or maybe because I'm fiercely motherly.
My eldest loves his dad being so hands on and often asks for him when he's unwell. The baby though I really see as mine. 🙈
I might be wrong but that's how I feel. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry to have slid so far from the OP! 🙈

@RingTheBellAlready nope. I wanted my child to need their dad as much as their mum so he took shared parental leave.

He's also the number the childminder contacts first if our LO is ill even if I'm the one who may pick her up as I'm nearer simply because 99% of the time he works in one location.

@dict

So instead of simply saying "parents" you decided to say "people of child bearing age" despite the fact that many people of child bearing age don't need to think about childcare as they don't have children.

Righto...almost makes you wonder why the word parent exists huh?!

My employer sends a nanny in this situation. Other people have family who can step in or can work from home with their husbands doing the same and sort of share the burdens. Unfortunately it doesn’t work with all jobs.

But op YOU may know your own child.
But a nursery cannot simply agree to take a child with a raised temperature on your diagnosis. Surely you get that ?
Your little one could be incubating scarlet fever or measles ... anything.
Staff ratios are based around the expectation that the children are generally well.
It’s like a mum presenting with a coughing child and saying well, nursery has to take him today... it’s just a cold. It can be. It could be bronchitis or asthma or pertussis or anything.

@RingTheBellAlready my mother was quite unkind. I was a child that needed my Dad. My kids don’t really mind because they have a good relationship with both of us. It’s not about being PC. It’s about ensuring that children have a good enough relationship with both parents not to feel that way because, in hindsight, it’s very sad.

Feck knows. Just had a really shitty run with illnesses last few weeks. Fortunately I only work 1 day/week because I'd be screwed otherwise. 2 weeks ago 1 yo has temp followed by rash everywhere- probably slapped cheek but not obvious what it was - nurse diagnosed Impetigo on chin initially. 1 week ago 4yo starts vomiting uncontrollably - had to do A&E to get the drug to stop = 2 days off school. This weekend DH had norovirus... that's a lot of infectious days to cover. Difficult to get paid childcare for any of these situations!

This ignoring that 1yo has literally had the snots since term started with about 5 days off!

Older DC is quite tough - once got through a preschool session with a temperature of 40, which I only discovered because I thought I ought to check as she was due her MMR that afternoon... no obvious signs of illness until I checked because DH always checks his patients before vaccinating them!

Have decided to delay my much wanted job hunt until spring/summer at the earliest as a result of constant illnesses, and will definitely ban soft play!

You poor thing, I had v similar with my little baby on going back to work a v important meeting where I could have got a lot of kudos but had to leave midway thru ... nursery call baby had croup apparently.

Great employer allowing hours to be made. DH never took a day off for any of these reasons. Eventually when she went to school, the days being shorter and school holidays, I went termtime and part time when next one came along. Lucky to have this option, but utterly ruined career.

You can’t expect the nursery to take your word for it, OP. They have to use their own judgment. And they have to be on the safe side of that.

@RingTheBellAlready, no, I’d want my sick child to be with a parent but that could be either of us.
What about children whose mothers are in the armed forces? There’s a MNetter who missed her child’s first birthday and first Christmas because she was on deployment. But her son was safe and cared for with her DH. She’s not any less of a mum. She’s just going her job and (as this thread was at least 10yrs ago) that said is probably now old enough to realise with pride what sacrifices his mother made to protect us.

I agree that the best place for a sick child is at home with cuddles but those cuddles come just as plentiful from my husband. In fact, he’s probably more tactile than me.

Lots of people have family back up I.e. grandparents who help out - we don’t really have that except in very rare circumstances so here is how we manage two pre-school kids and work

• both have reasonably flexible employers (my boss very flexible, company culture less so) plus I work 30 hours so if I have to miss a day I can usually make the hours up elsewhere (swap my day off, work late etc)
• we “buy” more childcare than we need - have a nanny for 2.5 days and daycare 2 days - they overlap so we pay $$ but are less at the mercy of sick kids/hard deadline pick ups etc
• both pay for car parks at work so we can more easily do pick up/drop off

Relevantly we live close to work/crèche so commute times are quick - not wasting time on the road and both are lawyers meaning Most work can easily be done remotely in a laptop and earn enough for the $$$$ childcare to still make sense.
(I know we are privileged). Our childcare costs are more than our mortgage. I would never dream of sending our kids to private school but we are paying equivalent of those fees now. It’s not forever!

@KatherineJaneway no they didn’t say anything, just don’t do it again soon. Obviously the problem is that I can’t predict illness. I was just taken aback by it and didn’t really say much. I’m not sure what to do now really.

I'm only glad my nursery doesn't send kids home for a cough or a bit of temperature that responds to calpol. Got to be realistic. Childcare isn't just for when the child is happy, well behaved and 100percent healthy. Not in the real world anyway. Most if not all societies rely and have relied on some form of collective childcare which can only work if common sense is applied. Yes a clearly unwell child should be with a parent. A child under the weather can be looked after.

ringthebell
No ...DS is equally my DH's and looks to both of us for comfort. I don't have any more right to comfort my child than my husband, his dad

I made it very clear that if we were to have children I would expect 50/50 childcare and that would include sick days.

our local nursery sends home with runny poohs in nappies just in case. Personally I think that is shutting the door after the house has bolted, but those are their rules.

As for norovirus no matter how careful you try to be it spreads like wildfire, one of our local primary schools has been shut down for a deep clean so all the children ill or well are at home this week.

Given the gender pay gap, 'the lower earner takes the time off' is going to be the mum much of the time and so they are perceived as less reliable and the merry cycle continues...

You do not just get flexibility from employers. You have to actively seek it and prioritise it over other things. Few men seem to. Few women expect them to.

I wish employers would be nicer, though, as there is a huge element of luck in illness.

If they’re normally a sensible nursery it could be that they are being extra strict because there is so much going around just now

Where my cousin lives a school was closed for a deep clean because of a bug

DD’s nursery are normally quite sensible with things like teething, but they are currently sending home and enforcing for anyone temp, runny nappies or sickness as they currently can’t tell between teething and over excitement and the bug doing the rounds