How are mothers supposed to go back to work??

[ArtichokeAardvark]

I've just had the dreaded call from nursery to come and collect DS. 'Hello Mrs X, I'm afraid your son is unwell, please could you come and pick him up asap'.

My son is teething. Yes, he's a bit grumpy, but he's teething. Yes, he has a temperature but it's only 38.0 so not exactly an emergency. They admitted themselves he's running around happily with the other children, just being a little bit whingier than normal.

But no, I have to collect him. No they can't even give Teetha homeopathic stuff without a doctor's prescription. And please could I keep him home for 24 hours after his temp goes back to normal.

I am slammed at work. I'm the only person in my department this week and I'm desperately trying to tie up everything this month before I go on mat leave. I would drop everything if my son was genuinely unwell, but for god's sake he's TEETHING.

How the hell are mothers meant to be able to go back to work? This happens with depressingly regularity and my employer is luckily understanding but their patience is beginning to wear thin...

I think it is bullshit that these men can’t get flexibility. Where I work we had a new Young male manager join us in a very important challenging role. Within a few months he is coming in later on a couple of days of the week having done school drop off and he leaves early once or twice a week to do school pick up. Previous managers had never asked. He did.

I always just said tough when I got calls like that. I'm a doctor so I can't just leave when I want to. DH works over an hour away, no local family. I told them DD couldn't be collected and if she was really that bad she could just sit in a quiet corner. They obviously weren't happy, but what was I supposed to do? It's not like I can just tell a seriously ill patient that I can't treat them because DD's teething!

I agree it can be bullshit, but you do have to be pragmatic. I took indefinite leave from my job (tried to quit but they’ve given me a few months off to decide instead) because we can manage without that income. If DH jeopardises his job we are totally screwed.

He does have some flexibility and does what he can, but he can’t take prolonged periods off (he’s the only person in the company who does his crucial role) and would lose his job if he did.

If we’d equally split the sick days over the last year, we’d each have had about a month off total in a year. It’s been that bad (like I said we had a straight month where one then the other had chicken pox, two bouts of norovirus, accidents and injuries, multiple chest and ear infections and just general awful colds and coughs etc) and then of course we’ve been sick with many of these things too. If we only had one it wouldn’t be so bad I guess, but it’s just been a constant cycle where at least one twin or one of us was ill for about six months solid. Absolutely brutal.

What are your priorities?

Your son or other "important" things??

Your son is unwell. Be there for him. Go home and stay with you baby, he needs you.

I once had a sick child in my office at a community centre during a holiday program decided they needed to be at home and chose to call the Father's work.
His employer asked me if l phoned the Mother l just said no so Dad turned up to pickup has child.

57

And you a doctor. Wtf don't you and your dh do work to fit around your kid, instead of expecting your kid to fit around you?
You really left your ill child in nursery? with a temperature?

Sharing responsibility, which apparently isn’t rocket science, is far easier said than done for many women. There wasn’t a cat in hell’s chance my ex would have even remotely considered that

Honestly I understand the frustration, I do, but your priority is your potentially sick child. It is not the nursery's responsibility to nurse him when sick, and if it turned out that what was initially presumed to be a fever turned out to be the onset of something potentially much more serious, I'm sure you'd be the first to complain about not being properly appraised of his condition. What they are doing ultimately makes sense.

@Drabarni yes, we left her there because we didn't have another option. She was perfectly fine staying there for a few hours until someone was able to collect her, and DH could take time off at short notice for the next day.

If you're all annoyed at being rung to collect your child because their temperature is 38 degrees when do you deem it ok for nursery to contact you to collect your child? Is 39 degrees the right time? Or 40? Or higher? There has to be a cut off at some point.

I feel your pain. I used to get my husband to do these pickups as hus work was more understanding. In fact l found people at work are far less judgy when a man stays home for a sick child! Have a word with HR and see if they have any advice.

Yes its frustrating but why is it ok for your child to stay at daycare unwell? A temperature of 38 is an illness, teething temperatures are not even a thing. Childminders would send them home too.

In my experience, it is not about whether it is a man or a woman, but more about the level of support you have.
The worst lecturing about taking leave / leaving at 5 was from a female colleague who was a mother herself, about how you just soldier on and organise your life instead of taking constant leave for sicknesses and appointments.
What she did not understand is that she had a non-working mum and MIL, who were providing childcare for her, and her DH was working part-time, whilst I was a single parent with no family or friends in this country.

It very often IS about fathers not sharing the parenting.

Sure some women have the attitudes you describe. I once had a manager who had been a single parent after her DH died, no family support and no flexible work options available, it was work full time or lose your job. She hated that I was part time and was difficult about any time off. But fathers not pulling their weight is far more of an issue.

I have always had to bear the brunt of picking up ill children because my partner has a zero hour agency contract job. He had to come home from
A job before because I was having a miscarriage and the agency replaced him with someone else. Not everyone can just leave a job without risking losing it

coffee sorry for you loss.

People have acknowledged that it's not always possible however, isn't it funny that in the vast majority of cases it's the man's job that isn't flexible? Somehow huge numbers of women manage to negotiate flexibility though.....

@lilypoppet yes men are heroes for it, women liabilities.

That's true @SlightlyBonkersQFA - which makes me wonder why more men don't do it/ask. My DH gets treated like the second coming by his mum, my mum and other mums at school for doing somewhat less than half!

@Loopytiles
Well, we all have different experiences. As I said, I probably more often had toxic attitudes from female colleagues (in the majority of cases mothers themselves) rather than male. Along the lines "I am managing, why can't you".

Sharing responsibility, which apparently isn’t rocket science, is far easier said than done for many women. There wasn’t a cat in hell’s chance my ex would have even remotely considered that

That’s why we should all be having these conversations before starting a family. I’m going to make damn sure my DC know how important it is. I hope by the time that generation has their own babies that men will see stepping up and organising their careers around family-flexibility as a matter of pride and importance.

Sure, many people (women and men) are in less than ideal situations due to the nature of their jobs. But if you know that your job is impossible to leave at short notice (teaching, emergency services, business-critical, whatever) then you need either rock-solid childcare plans (nanny, family support, whatever) or a partner who stays home- and that doesn’t need to be the woman. Hard choices may need to be made - and that doesn’t need to be by the woman.

People’s tough jobs and inflexible bosses and jobs hours away from home/school/nursery don’t just magically appear post-birth, so you need to plan. And men need to be a huge part of that planning and women need to stop letting them off the hook with excuses.

Been in your position OP before my DP became a SAHD. Was a bloody nightmare. I was lucky though in that we were all issued laptops and were able to work from home if needed.

You really left your ill child in nursery? with a temperature?
I did as it was that or most likely being on benefits for years. My kids are grown up to and havent been traumatised. If anything it's made them much more resilient than their peers and like me, will have to be very poorly not to go to school/work unlike a number of their friends who seem to think that a cold or sore throat is enough to take a sickie.

Laying on a mat with a blanket in a room where they are not disturbed but get to see others going by their business, with a number of staff coming to them to give them sympathy, drinks and fuss is not much different to bring at home, on the sofa, with me doing the same.

We're talking about low fever and usual kiddy infections, not being on death bed. And before talking about infecting others, infectious period is usually before symptoms show.

YY to PP who say about long commutes, inflexible jobs etc just not being an option for them OR their DH. That is our situation. My DH just wouldn't take a job that would require a mega commute that meant he could no longer do collections and he also wouldn't take a job that would require long, inflexible hours and being away all the time etc. Because he wants to be with his DD and enjoy and support his family. Family-friendly-ness of a job is as much a consideration for him as it is for me when I'm looking at jobs. And that's how it should be. It was also something we both thought about well in advance of having children when making decisions about careers etc so we didn't suddenly have kids and then think 'oh, well I'm going to have to opt out of parenting sorry as my job is just too important and inflexible'...

DW and I shared these responsibilities based on who had the biggest meeting that day etc.
We both spoke with our employers and we’re open about needing a work balance. It’s fine.

YABU. A temperature of 38 is a fever. Teething doesn’t cause a fever. Everyone knows that.

Take it in turns with child’s father.