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Original poster

MIL & FIL Moved in - HELP

129 replies

newtothisHELP · 26/11/2019 00:19

Hi Everyone. Just wanted some advice/experiences of others that have had their MIL and FIL move in with them.

I have had both my mother in law and father in law move into our home. It was discussed well before they sold their home that they would be staying with us. At first, it was Ok. I created a huge living room and bedroom for them so they had their own space (TV, Bedroom, lounge Room etc). We were not in each others way as they lived upstairs and we lived downstairs. The expecation is that we buy a house and we all move in together as they are able to help with the deposit.

Up until the past few months, I have had horrible anxiety and borderline depression. My MIL cant sit still and is constantly cleaning doing washing and chores that are not required as I have cleaned the house. I have asked her many of times to leave my washing, I have had many garments now ruined and prefer to do my own family washing. She will go into my bedroom, into my walk in and take my basket of washing and wash and fold the clothes. For any woman that is a huge thank you but I am itchy from the washing detergent, my husband's dermatitis is off the charts and my son has allergies from the washing soap she uses (yes i have asked her many times to please stop).

The asame goes for cooking, i prefer to make dinner as my son is a fussy eater. We love pasta, the In laws hate it so we dont eat it often now and my son misses out.

The attitude from my MIL is off the chart. Even today she decided to have a talk with me about the washing detergent she uses under the sink to leave it and not use mine as it is a waste. The one she uses sets my hands off and I get very itchy. I tried to explain that and I am now "privileged".

They both really enjoy their drink but are unable to drink together as they are constantly arguing where the whole street can hear their constant back and forth yelling / arguing about events that happened in their lives over 10+++ years ago.

I have tried to talk to my MIL about the way we have done things. I have accommodated all her little quirks into our home, placed their photos all over the house and have had everything suit their lifestyle but she is just adamant that we do things her way. This is MY HOME!

We are about to start looking for a house with them. I know that she will just take over. My husband is happy to have his mum with us and his Dad but I am really struggling with this.

Any advise?

OP posts:
Osirus · 26/11/2019 00:22

DON’T buy a house with them.

Why did you ever agree to this?

JasonPollack · 26/11/2019 00:24

This isn't working. Get out now! Either find a split property with a door lock and then rigorously enforce boundaries, or (better) sit down with your husband and tell him you're sorry but you can't do this! This is your home. It will be worse when you move.

midnightmisssuki · 26/11/2019 00:25

Don’t rely on them for the deposit, get your own place. If you move in with them - this will be your life forevermore.

mumblechum0 · 26/11/2019 00:26

What on earth inspired you to agree to this? It'll only going to get worse.

Time to stand your ground, say this isn't working and they need to make arrangements for alternative accommodation pronto

ineedaholidaynow · 26/11/2019 00:27

Why are they moving in with you?

How old are they? Have you looked into the legal/financial implications of this eg inheritance, funding any potential care home fees (assuming you are in UK).

Is this for cultural reasons?

poorstudent1010 · 26/11/2019 00:27

Awful arrangement

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 26/11/2019 00:29

Can't you ask them to gift you a small deposit so that you can buy your own apartment and they buy theirs? This living together thing will not work.

poorstudent1010 · 26/11/2019 00:29

In all honesty you have to tell him how you feel and that you don’t feel like this is working out for you, and therefore cannot commit to buying a house with them.

Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 00:30

Terrible idea. Admit to everyone around you loudly that this isn't working and prioritise getting them out.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 26/11/2019 00:31

And whose name would the house be in? All of yours or just them and your DH's? Watch out, OP. I have MANY friends who have been in this situation and it never ends well.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/11/2019 00:35

Why would any sane person agree to this ?! Do not buy a house with the dear lord ?!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 26/11/2019 00:35

I can’t add much to the previous posters, but put locks on all the rooms she shouldn’t be in and keep them locked. When she’s out, empty all the washing powder out of her box and refill it with yours.

pigsDOfly · 26/11/2019 00:37

Stay where you are and let them buy something for themselves.

You need to find a way to stop this before it goes any further. Otherwise you're going to be completely undermined and thoroughly miserable.

Start by sitting your husband down and seriously talking through with him why this is a very bad idea.

They're his parents, he loves them and having grown up with their ways accepts whatever they do as normal.

There's a family near me with this sort of set up and it clearly works for them as they all seem very happy, but it takes an awful lot of give and take and good will on all sides for this sort of inter-generational living to work and from what you're saying your in laws don't seem to understand that.

Don't let yourself be railroaded into going along with this situation. It will only get worse, especially as from the sound of it, your in laws are putting up most of the money.

user1471449295 · 26/11/2019 00:43

Sweet Jesus do not buy a house with them!!!! Shock
Who’s dear was this in the beginning? I freaking you’ll have trouble getting them out of your DH is pleased to have them there. I can just imagine how it’ll be. MIL slowing taking over everything in your life. Undermining you, not listening. You’ll be invisible and a guest in your own home

user1471449295 · 26/11/2019 00:44

*idea

Bluerussian · 26/11/2019 00:47

It might work if you can buy a HUGE house between you that can be divided up into yours and theirs.

At the moment you're too on top of eachother but you do have to set firm boundaries. Tell her straight you don't want anyone messing about with your laundry and you do want to cook. It's a problem with two households sharing a kitchen and washing machine. I'd hate it.

However do look at really big houses where you can peacefully co exist - if they do exist in your price range.

Good luck.

AwkwardFucker · 26/11/2019 00:49

Time for them to go. Do NOT buy a house with them. It will only get worse.

Your whole post gave me anxiety. That is my idea of hell. I’d be off the charts depressed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2019 00:51

Imagine how much worse it will be if you have children. Nightmare. Stand your ground this isn’t going to work. It will destroy your marriage.

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2019 00:59

@Mummyoflittledragon

They do have a child...

OP, DO NOT buy a house with them.

DON'T

bpirockin · 26/11/2019 01:02

Don't do it! End this now, it will only get worse. What a hellish way to live.

You are an adult, and if another adult refuses to respect your boundaries and/or needs, then they are not good for you to be around.

managedmis · 26/11/2019 01:07
Hmm
SheSaidHummingbird · 26/11/2019 01:11

Can't belive you would reel off a long list of ways in which yours and your DH's ilfestyle clashes with your in-law's... and add at the end "We are about to start looking for a house with them." - What??! Why??

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/11/2019 01:11

It really sounds like you need to sit down with your DH and tell him that if he wants to remain married to you he's going to have to explain to his parents that it isn't working and they can't buy a house together.

You've given it a try and you hate it (and I'm not surprised!). You need to call a halt before you compound the problem by getting financially entangled in a joint purchase.

What options do your PiL have for housing if they don't purchase with you (and what options do you have if you aren't going to purchase with PiL)?

SheSaidHummingbird · 26/11/2019 01:11

*believe

Pixxie7 · 26/11/2019 01:13

Be honest with them and say that following what could be counted as a trial period that it doesn’t work for you. Sounds as if your fil is not the problem so it might be trying to enlist his help. Good luck.

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