MIL & FIL Moved in - HELP

[newtothisHELP]

Hi Everyone. Just wanted some advice/experiences of others that have had their MIL and FIL move in with them.

I have had both my mother in law and father in law move into our home. It was discussed well before they sold their home that they would be staying with us. At first, it was Ok. I created a huge living room and bedroom for them so they had their own space (TV, Bedroom, lounge Room etc). We were not in each others way as they lived upstairs and we lived downstairs. The expecation is that we buy a house and we all move in together as they are able to help with the deposit.

Up until the past few months, I have had horrible anxiety and borderline depression. My MIL cant sit still and is constantly cleaning doing washing and chores that are not required as I have cleaned the house. I have asked her many of times to leave my washing, I have had many garments now ruined and prefer to do my own family washing. She will go into my bedroom, into my walk in and take my basket of washing and wash and fold the clothes. For any woman that is a huge thank you but I am itchy from the washing detergent, my husband's dermatitis is off the charts and my son has allergies from the washing soap she uses (yes i have asked her many times to please stop).

The asame goes for cooking, i prefer to make dinner as my son is a fussy eater. We love pasta, the In laws hate it so we dont eat it often now and my son misses out.

The attitude from my MIL is off the chart. Even today she decided to have a talk with me about the washing detergent she uses under the sink to leave it and not use mine as it is a waste. The one she uses sets my hands off and I get very itchy. I tried to explain that and I am now "privileged".

They both really enjoy their drink but are unable to drink together as they are constantly arguing where the whole street can hear their constant back and forth yelling / arguing about events that happened in their lives over 10+++ years ago.

I have tried to talk to my MIL about the way we have done things. I have accommodated all her little quirks into our home, placed their photos all over the house and have had everything suit their lifestyle but she is just adamant that we do things her way. This is MY HOME!

We are about to start looking for a house with them. I know that she will just take over. My husband is happy to have his mum with us and his Dad but I am really struggling with this.

Any advise?

Eeeeek and this is probably the honeymoon period....it's not going to get any better, you know that.

What is your H's current position in this dysfunctional set up?. Why did he agree to this at all, let alone your good self?. Presumably he is at work during the day too so this all falls to you as well.

re your comment:-
"We would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish.."

How lofty of him, there is really no WE here and there is no WE now. YOU will be the one looking after them; you will become their de facto carer in their dotage by dint of fact you are female.

A friend of mine has a large number of siblings and she is the eldest. Caring for their extremely ill mother led to them all experiencing resentment and varying degrees of carer burnout.

Don’t do it, it won’t work.

A lock on the door to your wardrobe? You can say it's for extra security if questioned.

If this is how you feel now, it would be utter madness to even consider living with them on a permanent basis. Even if they lived in a separate annexe you will still hear their alcohol-fuelled arguing and MIL will still try and exert control.

Are you really prepared to put up with this for help with a house deposit? Do you really want to look after them when they need it? If you are anxious and becoming depressed now, you really need to consider the long term impact on your mental health.

I would advise you and your DH to ask them to find somewhere else to live and find your own deposit for a house. If you look for a house to live in with them knowing what they are like to live with then you deserve whatever comes along with it.

If he wants his parents to live with him and to look after them, I suggest you move out. He should be putting you and your feelings first.

Are you from a culture where this is expected/normal?
Even if that is the case you would be crazy to agree to it.

I’d be having a strongly worded but calm and polite conversation with my dh if this was us.

Explain to him it’s not working now that you saw this as a trial period.

Why on earth did you let it get this far?

You have given this a really good go and massive kudos to you for trying - a lot of people ‘wouldnt even do that! But it is time to admit that it really isnt going to work. Thank goodness you haven’t already exchanged on a property or anything!

A couple of things really stand out to me about the situation so far - your dh has it all his own way doesnt he?! You are incredibly good to have agreed to this arrangement. Is he quite domineering (wonder where he gets that from )? And he wants to look after them as he is the oldest son......well, lets be pretty clear here, when your PILs are in their 90’s, it wont be him wiping their bottoms, it will be you.

Time to sit him down, explain that all the plans now have to be changed as it simply isnt viable for your mental health or the health of your marriage.

Eek!! NO NO NO Do NOT buy a house with them!!

Tell your DH this is not working and you want your own place even if it means somewhere a lot smaller.

And until they move out, put a lock on your bedroom door and keep your laundry and wash powder in there, so MIL can't get at it.

I would never have allowed my PILS to move in. It would have driven me insane.

Your husband is allowing his son and wife to suffer physical harm because he's happy with the arrangement?! I'd make this point to him

Why does your DH love the arrangement?

I mean does he love

• having his dermatitis flaring up
• seeing you struggling die to get use of the washing products, lack of respect (of your boundaries)
• seeing your ds miss g out on what he loves, seeing him struggle to eat because no allowance is made for him?

I mean what does he like in the arrangement when it makes his partner miserable?

You might have a PIL issue (and yes please don’t buy anything together!) But you have first a major DH problem. Why does he not have your back?!?

Seems to me that you've kind of done a slow sleep walk into this situation OP. Now you've got to bail, it's not working. The alcohol issue sounds like a red flag too? Are people crutch / comfort drinking?.....not good!

Suggest everyone in the household takes a big personal step and does "One Year No Beer" Bet that will go down like a tonne of bricks. 😬

You absolutely must have separate kitchens, bathrooms and all living spaces, kept behind your own locked door.

But... your DH will give them a key ‘for emergencies’, or one day when you are out ‘for a delivery ‘. Bet you anything.

I think you know you can’t live like this forever.
I assuming you agreed to this as they getting older and you may need to look after them eventually. They need to use their money to buy a house very nearby so you can look after them if needed by you don’t share your home.

Don't buy a house with them!! It won't gey better, none of you will have a "home" with the other couple in it & the fighting will increase, as will the intrusion. You run the risk of wrecking your marriage. IME it's the woman-on-woman dynamic that's the issue here, too. Whether your parents or your ILs. Women need their own houses!

My DGPs, (DMs parents) moved in with us temporarily but with no definite leaving date whilst looking to buy a home in the UK after returning from living in Spain. 2 women one house NEVER works in this sort of set up. They were with us almost 6 months & my parents almost divorced over it.

Whilst in Spain, they'd lived with my aunt & uncle & they DID temporarily split up over it. Should add that DGF was a dream- laid back, happy, would've lived with us for ever no problem but DGM... needed her own house.

There's no such thing as a free house with a granny flat . . . If you're not willing to put your family's health first and are determined to continue with an arrangement that isn't working then you need to create very clear criteria for the house purchase ie it has to have two separate buildings - no adjoining rooms; no one flat above the other. You have to delineate the space between both.

If your PILs are putting in more money than you and DH, then you'll have to accept that they will always feel they have the right to interfere in your home. It sounds as though you think you're doing them a favour but they think they're helping you out. You need an honest conversation about which it is.

Why on earth did you even allow them to move in? That is destroying your family unit and your DC is clearly feeling the stress. And, he has to have what he wants taken away (pasta) because they waltzed in your and his home, and acted like it's their home and their way or the highway. I mean, who does that?

You need to tell them they have to leave. Immediately start looking for another place to stay, and give them a deadline. If they sold their house, they should have quite a bit of money in the bank. Your situation is intolerable. Your once peaceful home is being destroyed by their drunken fights, your son can no longer have a favourite meal, they disrespect you and act like it is their home, and you are their boarders - not the other way around. On top of all that, it is affecting your health, not just mentally/emotionally, but physically.

Do you really need to know the answer? Look, it's over, it has to be over and you have to tell them they need to leave, now. As I said set a deadline. Do not allow them to weasel their way into staying longer. It has to be over, they have to be out. It is no way for you to live, and especially no way for your DS to live as it is affecting him. ALL for 2 self-serving and narcissistic drunken brawlers who already had a home, and sold it to usurp your happy home and family. Believe me no amount of deposit can make up for that, or for the childhood/happy home your son is missing out on. I'd rather live in a caravan, than sacrifice his and our family unity for the sake of saving a few quid on a deposit.

Please Dont buy with them

They have disrespected you too much already for it ever to work !

Back out now! It won't work and you'll be tied if you buy together. The only way I'd entertain it is if you perhaps bought joining houses, that were completely separate but you are on hand for eachother when required.
What was the point of moving in together in the first place? Is it there increasing age and the inevitability of them needing looking after? Or as live in child care help or both? If it is still long term goal, then I strongly suggest a house with an annex for them or a self contained flat within a bigger house which the rest of would be your home?

The house, well, that was always the plan that we would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish.

Why? Tell them to look after themselves! If they're able to drink and fight constantly and she is fit and doing laundry, they shouldn't need your help for another 10, maybe even 20 years. They can look after their damn selves! Why would you want to ruin your son's childhood? If your DH 'loves' living with narcissistic drunken brawlers, he's a glutton for punishment. This, is not good at all. His parents should be able to fund themselves and look after themselves, not bludge off you, tear through your house, sanity, son's stability etc like a hurricaine! They should be thinking of your son, not the other way around. It is not his role to babysit them and allow them to freeload off him and wreck your life. His parents need to look after themselves and stand on their own two feet.

I agree with other posters - don’t do it.

Feeling on edge in your own home, needing locks on your own internal doors - no thanks. This could be for twenty years or more - all your child’s childhood.

I assume your in laws have the money from their house sale and can just buy a new home. Perhaps not too far away where you can see them lots/help when needed but you each have your privacy.

In your current plan you end up with a bigger house but your child/children will probably have left home before you get any extra space so no use for them as teens/young adults.

Whoa. There is no way I would move forward with this crazy plan if I were you. You really need to have a proper chat with your husband and clearly lay it out for him.

If this was my family (DH’s parents or mine), it would be a deal-breaker for my marriage if I was forced to carry on like this. Your husband should be putting you and your DS first.

Good luck!

I should add, no matter how much you love your DH, your responsibility is to put your son first. I would definitely tell him straight; either they go, or you and son leave. The marriage would be over if I had to even stomach one week of this, and I am telling you the truth. The marriage would be over after only one week of this. What is more important; a stable and happy household environment where he is safe and secure with just his parents and not walking on eggshells? Or taking in two narcissistic drunks who are more than capable of looking after themselves and should not want to impose on their son (that they even think imposing on their son shows they have no shame). Your son only gets one childhood. Either they go, or your marriage is over. Put it that way, simple, and clear.

I wonder if this is cultural OP?
It was in my case. My PIL had a key to our home and insisted on letting themselves in whenever they felt like it. MIL was critical, interfering and actually dangerous around my baby.
Luckily we moved away for DH's job and things calmed down because they couldn't just pop over without warning.
If we hadn't moved, I think there would have been a divorce.
Even so, my MIl's behaviour damaged my son's mental health and mine. My PND was entirely down to her narcissistic behaviour.
Please put you and your son first. You never get these years back.