MIL & FIL Moved in - HELP

[newtothisHELP]

Hi Everyone. Just wanted some advice/experiences of others that have had their MIL and FIL move in with them.

I have had both my mother in law and father in law move into our home. It was discussed well before they sold their home that they would be staying with us. At first, it was Ok. I created a huge living room and bedroom for them so they had their own space (TV, Bedroom, lounge Room etc). We were not in each others way as they lived upstairs and we lived downstairs. The expecation is that we buy a house and we all move in together as they are able to help with the deposit.

Up until the past few months, I have had horrible anxiety and borderline depression. My MIL cant sit still and is constantly cleaning doing washing and chores that are not required as I have cleaned the house. I have asked her many of times to leave my washing, I have had many garments now ruined and prefer to do my own family washing. She will go into my bedroom, into my walk in and take my basket of washing and wash and fold the clothes. For any woman that is a huge thank you but I am itchy from the washing detergent, my husband's dermatitis is off the charts and my son has allergies from the washing soap she uses (yes i have asked her many times to please stop).

The asame goes for cooking, i prefer to make dinner as my son is a fussy eater. We love pasta, the In laws hate it so we dont eat it often now and my son misses out.

The attitude from my MIL is off the chart. Even today she decided to have a talk with me about the washing detergent she uses under the sink to leave it and not use mine as it is a waste. The one she uses sets my hands off and I get very itchy. I tried to explain that and I am now "privileged".

They both really enjoy their drink but are unable to drink together as they are constantly arguing where the whole street can hear their constant back and forth yelling / arguing about events that happened in their lives over 10+++ years ago.

I have tried to talk to my MIL about the way we have done things. I have accommodated all her little quirks into our home, placed their photos all over the house and have had everything suit their lifestyle but she is just adamant that we do things her way. This is MY HOME!

We are about to start looking for a house with them. I know that she will just take over. My husband is happy to have his mum with us and his Dad but I am really struggling with this.

Any advise?

Until you can get rid or at least get a locked door between you, just throw her detergent away. She's knowingly causing you physical discomfort and damaging your possessions, get angry!

As PP have said here, you are going to need a fully functioning annex and not share your keys. Point blank refuse to look at any houses without a full annex.

What is your budget like? I've a friend who lives in a house with a cottage in the grounds which her MIL & FIL live in. That would be ideal if you must have them!

that was always the plan that we would be looking after them

that's kind of your husband to give up his career and care for them in their old age

or not? is it you that is expected to do that as you are female

nip this in the bud now

Of course your husband is happy with the arrangements because it hasn't affected him in the slightest. I'm afraid he's running roughshod over your boundaries too by ignoring how much it's affecting you.. He would prefer to keep his pride in fulfilling his cultural duties than to support your mental health.

I'm afraid it will only get worse because your MiL thinks she's the boss of the place and of you. I really, really couldn't wipe the bottom of people who treated me like this. And this will be your future as your husband sure as hell won't do it. Supporting you is really just paying lip service, isn't it? He hasn't physically put a lock on your bedroom door or taken some of your MiL's photos down, has he?

I couldn't stay in this situation for the rest of my life OP. Your IL's could live into their 90s and beyond.

I don’t understand how your husband can love having them there. Does he not have eyes and ears! Surely he must have noticed how tense and unhappy the situation is becoming. You need a talk with him and then with them to iron things out and/or make the decision on whether this is viable.

Silly, silly fool you. What were you thinking??

You will be divorced before you know it. Off course your husband loves this arrangement, the house is taken care off and he has childcare on tap.

Do you really believe that these problems will go away when you buy a house? Or having the house in your name is something to be proud off for the sake of the deposit?

Do not buy a house with them. Tell your dh that your family needs to live on their own and you cant accept this. You will see his true colors then.

What age are they I suspect you are going to say late 60s/early 70s so are insane to agree to this .
People live into their 90s often nowadays so you do realise that this could be your life until you and DH reach your 60s/70s.
I would find an enjoyable career and hand everything over to DMIL, as far as running the home is concerned (but keep your clothes separate), and aim to have your own life outside of the home.

LTBS (plural)

Fit a lock to your bedroom door or hire someone to do this.
Who is in the house in the day and who is out at work?

Look online for properties that have the separate annex you want. Print off a copy. Start building a folder of examples of what you expect in the future.
Rewash your clothes. Keep your ds clothes in your locked room.
I've never confronted a drunk arguing couple so I think that is a DH task.

Until you get rid of them get a lock for your bedroom to stop her going in.

Is FiL as bad?

A PP mentioned Deprecation of Assets. The LA would only regard it as such if they can see the house was bought in your names, specifically to avoid care fees. The LA here will assume that only if one of them has care needs (receives home are or respite etc) at the time the assets are transferred into your names.

However, don't do it, for your own sanity and free time.

I can't for one minute fathom why you would agree to any of this. Your family life from this moment in is going to be dominated by this and it will spill over in to your marriage and the raising of your child. I can't think of much worse.

Tell your husband you've changed your mind. Explain that the current arrangement is already detriment to your mental and physical health and is negatively affecting your DS and that if he persists with the plan to buy together you can see your marriage falling apart pretty damn quick. If he refuses to call it off and insists on putting his parents above his own marriage and child, it tells you everything you need to know and you need to leave him.

Are the PILs putting most of their money into the property. If there are other siblings what happens when PILs die, will they expect an inheritance or is it accepted that the eldest gets everything as recompense for looking after his parents?

Oh definitely don't do it!! we would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish.. And if your parents are still alive, would he accept you saying 'right well l want my parents to move in too'? Who as pp will be 'looking after them' in reality?

Dear God no. If she's like this in YOUR place, she'll completely take over in a new joint place.

Your dh’s wish?? Oh that’s ok then ..
What?! you are seriously going along with this just to please your husband? This is your life for godsake, it’s going to be hell !
And you do realise that separate living quarters will still mean she will be walking into your house whenever she wants .
Honestly , this the craziest thing I’ve ever read and I can’t believe you’ve just accepted it so easily

I really don’t think the granny annex would work unless you lock them out, she would only let herself into the house and do as she pleases.

The house, well, that was always the plan that we would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish.

Very generous of him... you become a life time carer and he gets to do what? Enjoy their company???

Blimey OP, you will be out numbered very soon and have no voice in this awful agreement. If you have kids, this can back fire big time. I bet your relationship will go down the drain in time.

Talk to you husband how can he love something that you hate and causes you physical issues

Set out exactly your issues you cannot do it

So everyone's happy about this but you? Time for your DH to show his true colours and prioritise.

If your DH is having such a wonderful time living with his parents, then he has chosen to ignore your pain and upset. You can try to make him see how annoyed you are, you can try to point out that you could afford a huge house by yourselves if you weren't having to replace everything your MIL has broken - but you know he knows, he just doesn't care.

OP, you’ve been given an opportunity to test out how it will work before you buy and therefore commit long term.

You need to sit down with DH (don’t let him wriggle out!) with a list of exactly what the problems are and make it really clear that you won’t go ahead with this plan unless these problems are resolved in the next (pick your time frame). Be very calm, but if necessary just keep repeating “No. I wanted this to work for all of us, but this isn’t working and I have to put OUR family first”. Do not get emotional!!! Pretend this is a business meeting. This doesn’t work for you, so the deal doesn’t go ahead unless changes are made.

You need to sit down with all 4 adults and CALMLY explain that although you thought living together was a wonderful idea for all of you, it isn’t working and is making you unhappy (spell it out this clearly). You aren’t prepared to live in a house that will make you unhappy and will affect the quality of your marriage (if said very calmly, this normally spooks IL...). DO NOT Lose your temper at any stage. Explain that there are some responsibilities that it would be lovely to share, but at other times everyone needs some space to be themselves.

You need to deal with every single issue. If they won’t deal with them, or DH won’t back you, then you know this living arrangement won’t work. End the conversation by apologising that you have allowed everyone to get their hopes up, but that you simply can’t sacrifice your happiness and marriage for the sake of continuing with the plan.

Suggestions for bringing up:

Cooking rota I.e. who is responsible for which day. Make it clear that swaps can be made (but make sure they ARE swaps). On any given day, if either party doesn’t like the meal being provided, they are welcome to make themselves something else providing it doesn’t take over the kitchen e.g, if they don’t want the pasta you’ve made, they can have beans on toast etc which they make themselves. If you/DS don’t like what they make, likewise you have toast.

Cleaning jobs. If she wants to clean after you have already cleaned, let her. It’s annoying as hell, but doesn’t do you any harm. How she is doing laundry DOES. Make it clear this is not negotiable. if she starts talking about privilege, just say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is the only way this can work. If you won’t agree then we won’t go ahead buying a house”

Good luck OP

You know that this woman isn't going to change right?

Bit late in correcting myself, but I meant 'Deprivation of Assets' - my phone had other ideas.

Don't buy a house with them and until they move out keep your bedroom door locked!