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Original poster

MIL & FIL Moved in - HELP

129 replies

newtothisHELP · 26/11/2019 00:19

Hi Everyone. Just wanted some advice/experiences of others that have had their MIL and FIL move in with them.

I have had both my mother in law and father in law move into our home. It was discussed well before they sold their home that they would be staying with us. At first, it was Ok. I created a huge living room and bedroom for them so they had their own space (TV, Bedroom, lounge Room etc). We were not in each others way as they lived upstairs and we lived downstairs. The expecation is that we buy a house and we all move in together as they are able to help with the deposit.

Up until the past few months, I have had horrible anxiety and borderline depression. My MIL cant sit still and is constantly cleaning doing washing and chores that are not required as I have cleaned the house. I have asked her many of times to leave my washing, I have had many garments now ruined and prefer to do my own family washing. She will go into my bedroom, into my walk in and take my basket of washing and wash and fold the clothes. For any woman that is a huge thank you but I am itchy from the washing detergent, my husband's dermatitis is off the charts and my son has allergies from the washing soap she uses (yes i have asked her many times to please stop).

The asame goes for cooking, i prefer to make dinner as my son is a fussy eater. We love pasta, the In laws hate it so we dont eat it often now and my son misses out.

The attitude from my MIL is off the chart. Even today she decided to have a talk with me about the washing detergent she uses under the sink to leave it and not use mine as it is a waste. The one she uses sets my hands off and I get very itchy. I tried to explain that and I am now "privileged".

They both really enjoy their drink but are unable to drink together as they are constantly arguing where the whole street can hear their constant back and forth yelling / arguing about events that happened in their lives over 10+++ years ago.

I have tried to talk to my MIL about the way we have done things. I have accommodated all her little quirks into our home, placed their photos all over the house and have had everything suit their lifestyle but she is just adamant that we do things her way. This is MY HOME!

We are about to start looking for a house with them. I know that she will just take over. My husband is happy to have his mum with us and his Dad but I am really struggling with this.

Any advise?

OP posts:
chocatoo · 26/11/2019 01:18

The only way that this could work is if you buy a house that has a completely self-contained granny annexe with its own kitchen, etc. where they live their own lives and you live your own life.
If this is not possible, I urge you not to go ahead with the move.

Original poster
newtothisHELP · 26/11/2019 01:19

Thanks for all your messages. I know i have to have a meeting and talk this out. We are now having weeks where we are just not talking to each other as we have clashed so hard.

My DH loves this arrangement and I love him. I have stressed how I feel and he is always standing up for me and how I do things. She just chooses to not listen.

The house, well, that was always the plan that we would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish. The house will be in mine and my DH name. I am looking for dual living where they will have a granny flat or a seperate living quaters as I can NOT have them in the room next to ours.

OP posts:
kateandme · 26/11/2019 01:27

you are lucky.this is all the gods shining down on you!
giving you the bloody chance to STOP THIS MADNESS BEFORE ITS TOO LATE AND YOUVE BOUGHT A HOME!
this wont get better.she has laid her way.youve seen it.she wont change.stop this madness and do not by a home together.
please

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 26/11/2019 01:53

If they end up in residential care the house will be regarded as degradation of assets.

chachachachachacha · 26/11/2019 01:56

God no way could I live with parents, mine or dh's. You'll just grow resentful. It'd either be me moving out or them. I wouldn't agree to this no matter how much my dh enjoyed the arrangement.

Creepster · 26/11/2019 01:58

The only solution I know of for living with people who refuse to take no for an answer is locks.

My mum ruined every wool jumper I ever owned when I was a kid by doing me the favor of washing them for me whether I liked it or not. Despite repeated requests that she let me do my own laundry.
As an adult I saw her do the same destructive things to people over and over and realized it was never a mistake. Not even the first time.

Original poster
newtothisHELP · 26/11/2019 02:03

yes! its the constant tampering with my laundry that is just driving me bonkers! I love all the items I own and bras are getting replaced every 2 months as they are ripping from where they have been tangled.

Thanks for all your advice. It is appreciated.

OP posts:
itsAlmostXmas · 26/11/2019 03:03

Thank goodness nothing is purchased yet so this can be stopped! The situation sounds dreadful, that your MH is affected is understandable Thanks

You need to talk to DH & say this is a marriage deal-breaker. That you cannot continue & this would include dual living as they boundaries you have asked for are continuously ignored. Then he or together they need to be told the same. He needs to get many of MILs actions stopped. It could be her constant cleaning is related to her not feeling at home? However the cooling, washing and entering your bedroom needs to stop now

What I don't understand is why your DH wants this to continue? It sounds obvious it's not working. Does he not recognise your MH issues? Does he not pick up on their behaviour?

AuntyElle · 26/11/2019 03:09

How can your DH be happy with the situation when it is clearly making you very unhappy?

Never said this before, but perhaps show him this thread?

BendyLikeBeckham · 26/11/2019 03:17

OP, you know it will be YOU looking after his parents as their health declines, don't you. Not your DH. How he can be happy with something that is making you so utterly miserable is disgusting. I would give him a choice. Them or me. And I would mean it.

Topseyt · 26/11/2019 03:38

I honestly couldn't imagine anything worse than this arrangement. I could never have lived with my PILs long term like that, and especially not in my own home.

It would be a deal breaker for me, I'm afraid.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/11/2019 03:42

The laundry might be what's driving you bonkers but I don't think that's the core of the problem that makes buying a house with your PiL a really bad idea.

Assuming you've told your MiL quite clearly that you don't want her to do your laundry - Not in a "Oh don't worry MiL." sort of way but in a "Please stop doing our laundry MiL, I need to do it myself." way - then the issue is that your MiL ignores your authority and imposes her way inappropriately and without negotiation or compromise. It's important you don't get fixated on the particular laundry issue when you discuss this. Because if she acknowledges the laundry and changes on that it's just going to be something else isn't it?

annabell22 · 26/11/2019 04:21

Put a lock on your bedroom door so it is locked when you are in there and have privacy and keeps MIL out when you aren't there.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 04:23

Your husband is useless and your marriage is going to collapse unless you get them out of your home. This is a total nightmare.

GuessWhoColeen · 26/11/2019 04:28

Oh dear lord no Shock

I would rather have a lodger for 20 years and save for a deposit.

Patienceisvirtuous · 26/11/2019 04:29

You don’t have to live with your in-laws to take care of them...

Mermaidoutofwater · 26/11/2019 04:29

I agree with the PP, this arrangement will be the end of your marriage and will cause you unbelievable stress if it continues. The only women I know who live in a joint family situation have little choice in the matter and the dynamic of critical and overbearing MIL is a common experience.
Is your husband seriously thinking that buying a house together is a reasonable plan when you’re already struggling this much?

HuggedTrees · 26/11/2019 04:31

Fuck no. They sound young and capable enough that they can live by themselves and this is going to be decades. Why does your husband want them in his home now??

Mummaofmytribe · 26/11/2019 04:33

The only way it worked for my mum when her MIL moved in was to make a totally separate "apartment" for her. They had their own entrance door and key each opposite sides of house.
There was an interconnecting door but it had a doorbell.
This was used religiously. Neither mum not MIL just let themselves into the other's space.
MIL had lounge, bedroom, bathroom and kitchenette, all separate facilities.
As she grew more frail Mum did her shopping and laundry but again they used that darn doorbell till the end.
That was the only way it could have worked and my poor stepdad did a LOT of diy to make it happen!

Durgasarrow · 26/11/2019 05:10

I think the word you need is "trial period." In the sense that you need to sit down with your husband (first) and tell him that it's been a good trial period to see how you would all get on, and no one can say that you haven't been open-hearted and willing to try, but as everyone can see, this isn't going to work. And sister, if you say no, it ain't happening.

justilou1 · 26/11/2019 05:18

She is marking her territory, disregarding your privacy, medical issues and your space and totally overriding your decision making in YOUR home. DON’T DO IT.
Just DON’T.
This is a recipe for an acrimonious divorce with three against one and you losing out.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 26/11/2019 05:25

With regard to money.

There are three levels.

Need

Greed

Insanity

Sorry this falls under insanity.

Skittlesandbeer · 26/11/2019 05:41

If I were you, I’d get the lock put on the cupboard where your hamper lives, as a priority. Pop your kid & DH’s hampers in there too. I think it’s doing your head in to be itchy, have clothes ruined daily and be listening to your kid and hubby’s gripes to do with laundry. You can’t think clearly with all that punctuating your peace.

Once you’ve got control of your clothes back, you may be able to address the bigger issues better. Start with a couple of sessions of marriage therapy (yes, seriously). Your PIL’s don’t need to know. Your DH has to be awoken to the reality that this isn’t working and his head in the sand isn’t helping anyone. Let the therapist guide him to that realisation. I think he’s tuning you out too much.

Personally, my mental health relies too much on having nobody living with me who I didn’t marry or make. I wouldn’t be able to sacrifice my peace of mind for who-knows-how-many decades. Not even for my own parents. I’d leave my soulmate before I’d be bullied or cajoled into doing that.

You gave it a very fair go.

Thanksgiving2019 · 26/11/2019 05:51

Could a compromise be you get a house with a granny annex and don’t give them a key to your place? That way she is only in your house when invited and you copied prevent any raids on your laundry? Or have things going too far for that to work too?

stucknoue · 26/11/2019 05:53

A house with an annex could work, as long as the connecting door is lockable! I'm guessing it's cultural because I've never met a man who willingly has a mother live with him

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