MIL & FIL Moved in - HELP

[newtothisHELP]

Hi Everyone. Just wanted some advice/experiences of others that have had their MIL and FIL move in with them.

I have had both my mother in law and father in law move into our home. It was discussed well before they sold their home that they would be staying with us. At first, it was Ok. I created a huge living room and bedroom for them so they had their own space (TV, Bedroom, lounge Room etc). We were not in each others way as they lived upstairs and we lived downstairs. The expecation is that we buy a house and we all move in together as they are able to help with the deposit.

Up until the past few months, I have had horrible anxiety and borderline depression. My MIL cant sit still and is constantly cleaning doing washing and chores that are not required as I have cleaned the house. I have asked her many of times to leave my washing, I have had many garments now ruined and prefer to do my own family washing. She will go into my bedroom, into my walk in and take my basket of washing and wash and fold the clothes. For any woman that is a huge thank you but I am itchy from the washing detergent, my husband's dermatitis is off the charts and my son has allergies from the washing soap she uses (yes i have asked her many times to please stop).

The asame goes for cooking, i prefer to make dinner as my son is a fussy eater. We love pasta, the In laws hate it so we dont eat it often now and my son misses out.

The attitude from my MIL is off the chart. Even today she decided to have a talk with me about the washing detergent she uses under the sink to leave it and not use mine as it is a waste. The one she uses sets my hands off and I get very itchy. I tried to explain that and I am now "privileged".

They both really enjoy their drink but are unable to drink together as they are constantly arguing where the whole street can hear their constant back and forth yelling / arguing about events that happened in their lives over 10+++ years ago.

I have tried to talk to my MIL about the way we have done things. I have accommodated all her little quirks into our home, placed their photos all over the house and have had everything suit their lifestyle but she is just adamant that we do things her way. This is MY HOME!

We are about to start looking for a house with them. I know that she will just take over. My husband is happy to have his mum with us and his Dad but I am really struggling with this.

Any advise?

It can work, but you have to sit down together and work out ground rules. If they aren't prepared to change their behaviour and you aren't also prepared to make some compromises, then it won't work.

Living with multiple generations can work but it takes a good deal of compromise, reasonableness, tongue-biting, and acceptance that people will do things that annoy you and that you will fall out at times- rather like marriage, in fact. And like marriage, if there is one person who isn't sold on it and isn't trying to make it work, then it won't work.

If your MiL is behaving like this now, when she has moved in to your house, she will be much worse if you move to a house she has part paid for.
Don't buy a house with them OP, it will be miserable. Unless its massive enough that you have 2 front doors

This is awful.
I nearly ended up in a situation like this but point blank refused to move in with ex and his parents in their house. His mother was domineering and she used to go into his part of the house and take his things whenever she felt like it. Refused to allow him locks on the doors to his flat. His father came in one day and started renovating his flat without asking!! It was never ending and I knew if I moved in I'd not be able to cope.

This situation has gone too far and it has to stop. She has been repeatedly told not to wash your clothes and not to use the particular washing products and still does what she likes. She cooks without taking into account anyone else's needs.
It's awful and as they age, you'll be the one ending up slaving away looking after them and doing all of the care.
The thing that woke me up to the situation with my ex was my dear Dad saying to me "I did not bring you up to be someone else's skivvy".
Wake up - you will end up running round after them. Your DH won't.
I am in a European country where a lot of men choose a woman to marry based on whether she will be a suitable daughter-in-law and there is an expectation there that she will do all the care for aging parents. Are these parents from a culture that sets these kinds of expectations?

There are only two options here:

1. You find a house with a granny flat which is completely separate - ie. separate entrance outside - not through your house. They do not get a key to your part of the house. If they are caring for your child he goes to their flat - otherwise she'll be all over your part of the house doing what the hell she likes whenever she is looking after him.

1. You buy your own place with DH. They buy (or rent) a small flat nearby.

If DH won't agree to either of these, then, personally, I would leave him. Doesn't matter how much you love him, if he won't consider your needs then he doesn't love you enough, doesn't care about your feelings and your mental health enough. Believe me, if this goes on, you will really start to suffer.

Yeah, please please don't go into this agreement.
If they are fit enough to drink, have explosive arguments, then they could potentially have another 20 years in them. 20 years of living with you? Screw that...
Also, that sort of behaviour with your child around? Even if you think he doesn't hear, he could very well be quietly pretending not to hear in bed, as I often did.

Shearwater makes some good points but honestly, why compromise your life like this?

Sit your dh down and talk to him.
Renting for a few years, taking on extra work and saving your ass off, compromising on certain aspects of your life for a couple of years and you have a deposit vs 20 odd years of compromising your life EVERY DAY and potentially ruining your marriage and child's childhood?

It's madness. Your dh sounds very odd.

If you all move in together you and your DH will end up divorced

That's the bottom line, so tell him that.

Then discuss where the boundary can be for him providing them with the support he wishes to.

I would have said that a single property with an annexe and separate livign spaces and entrances would be possible, but if you are in a dynamic where you have told another adult, repeatedly, to leave your possessions alone and they will not respect your wishes, you simply can't live in the same building as them. You can't have an annexe because presumably she will cry for a key and someone will give her one and the overstepping and steamrollering will simply continue.

The only option is to have one final meeting, WITH your DH, where you competely lose your rag and tell them all that unless there are ground rules drawn up, with the first one being HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT AND DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF, then the buying together plan is off. You won't do it, and your DH is going to have to provide support from a separate home location.

Don't have children while any of this is up in the air, whatever you do. This is absolutely divorce-creating stuff, so sort it first.

that was always the plan that we would be looking after them as my DH is the oldest and it is his wish
Will he be looking after them though? Or will you? As they get older you will be increasingly tied, my Dad has insisted on caring for his family member and he’s housebound because of 24/7 care requirements. He hasn’t been out for a meal or a drink or even a walk for the past 12 years.

As there are other siblings, will they not expect an inheritance? The last thing you want is to spend years caring for PIL then DH’s siblings take you to court for a share of the money that PIL invested in your house.

You can't have an annexe because presumably she will cry for a key and someone will give her one and the overstepping and steamrollering will simply continue.

Ah shit... I didn't think of that when I posted two possible solutions above. Yeah, OP, forget the granny annexe.
No joint property purchase under any circumstances.
You buy your own place with DH and they buy a small flat or whatever accommodation they want.
If DH doesn't like this then it's time for you to divorce him and buy your own small place on your own for you and your son. Do not do this to yourself.

Well you can tell it isn't working, tbh I'm not sure how any of you thought it would.
Are you going to tell them a future in a home together isn't going to work, or suck it up for the deposit money.
I don't know anyone who has moved in with ils where it hasn't been their cultural norm.

It might work for your husband (regardless of itchy skin) but it's not working for you. You'd have to be crazy to buy somewhere with them.

The laundry alone would make me run screaming from the 'arrangement'.

The drinking is the tin hat on it.

I'm sorry but are you mad!

Tell your DH that you are thinking about divorcing him as the living situation is so bad. You can’t continue living with his parents so he has to make a choice. Hopefully, he will make the right decision but if he doesn’t, you need to make plans to move out with your son. It doesn’t matter how much you love your husband,, you need to protect DS from a childhood living with drunk, argumentative, narcissistic grandparents.

This won't work.

It won't work because your MIL & FIL don't respect you at all...

And it won't work because even if the house is in your names, if they financially contribute and then require care, it'll be classed as their asset. So you'll have to buy them out, sell the house, fund their care yourself, or provide the care yourself. I'm guessing your husband would be pretty keen on you providing the care.

Say no now. Don't be blinded by the deposit - it will be a very real gilded cage.

Why should you have to be the one who compromises everything to the point where it's actively harming you? (stress, upset and allergic reactions) Add onto that where they're ruining your clothes and it's an added financial burden it doesn't work.

Your husband must be aware - if he's constantly apologising for them/backing you up to them as you mentioned. If he doesn't understand that it's not doable then he must be blind. It must be a condition of your relationship continuing that it doesn't go ahead - at least not in the same house - for your own sanity, health and mental health.

Even if she 'gives in' now and starts behaving like a normal person it won't last.

This will never, ever work. They don’t respect you. At the very worst, they will encourage your DH and teach your child not to respect you. At best, you will spend decades walking on eggshells with two drunks who will eventually stop with the passive aggressiveness and start with the nastiness. As a middle ground, it will just end with your divorce.

I also don’t think you’re thinking this all the way through, OP. This was them on their BEST behavior, because they knew this was the trial period before you all bought a house and this is how they’ve acted. This is their best behavior. Once you are trapped by owning a home together, the masks will come off and the behavior will be a hundred times worse. I absolutely guarantee it.

Do you want to care for them on your own OP in the long term?

There is absolutely no way EVER that this plan would have ever worked

They have zero respect for you, and that won’t change, the only way you can protect your marriage from this very real threat is to end this trial period ASAP and to never ever buy anything with them.

Yep it’s going to be hard to break this news, but it has to be done

This way you have half a chance of having a civil relationship in the future. If you continue as you are, or worse tie yourselves to them financially, you’ll end up killing them blowing your top and blowing the whole relationship up, possibly AND your marriage too.

You know you’re going to be the one cooking the meals, doing the cleaning/laundry, arranging appointments, helping them to the toilet and bathing them, don’t you OP? This is what the long term plan is between your husband and his parents. The whole time you’ll be breaking your back and your spirit looking after them and your kids, his parents will be bossing and criticising you, while your husband makes excuses for them. That’s your future. Are you looking forward to it?

So she already has her own big space in your house and STILL trespasses other space, duties and authority. There would be no annex she would ever respect unless they had completely separate entrances.

Do you really believe she would be staying in her part of the house? She will be coming into the main part of the house and still doing all of the same stuff as she sees herself as the matriarch.

We had a similar issue with washing and food when MIL stayed with us for a bit. It only stopped when she moved out. No matter what I said or what DH said, some part of her saw us as children I think. She is lovely, but cannot let go of control of the house.

This will end very badly

I know this is “expected”, but I don’t see it working for you OP.

Put a lock on your laundry basket. Look for a property with separate accommodation for them. If you can’t find anything then buy your own property even if it means buying something smaller. Also set a deadline. Get together and discuss a deadline for finding and moving into your property with them and make it clear that if you can’t do that by then you will have to go your separate ways and look at maybe buying on the same street or something.

Gosh this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I would hate to share my home with such intrusive people.

Maybe purchasing 2 separate properties a few houses apart may be a better option. Will your DH’s siblings want their share of your property when his parents pass?