To be raging mad over this

[Cantsayno]

Posted about this before and my inability to say no to peoples petty requests that they are more than capable of doing themselves, but don’t because it’s easier for them If I do it. And it is an inconvenience to me. I’m 39+1.

So family member takes the piss with requests, going to the shop, lifts here there and everywhere, only recently discovered I was collecting their child from nursery (under the assumption family member was at college) but actually was sat at home and didn’t want to make the journey down to nursery and back and as I drive it was way more convenient for me to hop in the car with my back and be lifting kids in and out of my car.

Anyway, family member has rang me twice today for favours. 1. Babysitting for an hour 2. Go to the shop. Ignored them.

Now put the guilt trip on me asking me to take child to nursery at 8am as family member is unwell. I don’t want to do it. I take my parter to work at 5.30am as he doesn’t drive and he is working over time for our family for Christmas so I will help out where I’m able to.

I find it so god damn cheeky to be hassled day in day out for tasks that they can do themselves and if I wasn’t on maternity leave, would their world fall apart? It seems so!

Aibu to say no? Or turn my phone off and pretend I’ve slept in so oops can’t take them?

Aibu to send a message saying: you’re going to have to stop asking me for all these favours because it’s getting too much, if you’ve forgotten I’m a week away from giving birth and I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home.

Does it come across too arsy? Coz I’m seriously annoyed with it all. Family member actually said to me today ‘well you need to start building up some favours coz I’ll have your child for you if you need me to’ !!!!!! Pardon?! Is this in addition to all the other bastard favours I do for you and the promises of petrol money that never materialise?

Just say no
Keep saying it

Tell her you're not allowed out as you're so close to due date. Or that you're in labour. Then text back after shes had to do her own trips and say "turned out to be just Braxton Hicks!"

If you contact them they'll start to guilt trip you & try to negotiate. So don't. Ignore texts, ignore phone & ignore front door. And if they're the type to look in/bang on window, tilt your blinds or invest in voile net.

Learn to say no to things you don't want to do. Keep saying no to things you don't want to do. Give yourself permission to say no to things you do not want to do!

Well this morning I’m very cross with myself at say the least.

I have text her and said I’m not taking her because if she is that Unwel I can do without catching it and also had a crap nights sleep which I’m not really lying about. She won’t see it until nearly starting time for her child as she is under the impression I’ll be collecting about 7.50am so it will piss her off but I really hope it does and i hope it turns into an argument so I can tell her exactly what I think because I’m just so annoyed with the whole situation and casting my mind back to when I left for maternity I feel like I’ve just spent it rallying round other folk doing favours and now I’m a week away I don’t feel like I’ve had any me time.

On the drive back from dropping dp off I thought I can’t remember the last time she said to me ‘I’m just popping to the shop do you need anything getting’ so I’m excusing myself from any guilt because these favours are obviously a one way street.

Dp will get the bus once baby is born, well after this week really there’s just masses of over time on at his work place so any opportunity to take in a bit of extra cash, seems a waste to let it pass by

Well done for texting her
Don't do anything else for her ever

Dont let this take away time from you getting ready for the baby. You have made your stance clear and just keep repeating yourself. If she gets difficult then that is her problem. She doesnt get to bully you. Who is the relative to you?
If she misses the text because she just assumed that you will take her DC to school and if they are late then that is her fault. Do not get sucked into feeling guilty.

Aw sorry that your last week of mat leave is taken up by this stress.
Agree with pp that this is not going to come to an end if you give excuses with your ‘no’
Just ‘no I’m not well’ at the most. Don’t reply to angry txt/phone call/knock on door.
Chill and watch telly and have me time.
She probably might never get your POV but who cares, she is hounding someone for favours a week away from giving birth and you need to separate yourself for the sake of you and your baby.
Please do this now, this won’t stop after your baby comes and you will need your strength and energy to look after you and baby, not work out if you are being unreasonable to refuse requests to help out family member- because if she can hound you at 39 weeks I’m sure she will hound you again with newborn as soon as you are physically able to drive.

OP, just for a bit of perspective. When my closest female relative was due, I took her out for a gentle walk, bought her tea and cake and did her ironing when we got home. Also popped up her attic to take some storage up.

Stop doing stuff. You'll find these favours are never returned when your baby is born.

Some people are takers OP. A frenemy of mine has no problem selling her tat on trade me and amazon for a price, yet protests to the enth degree when she wants to buy something and the sellers want a fair price. Basically she’s a cheapskate who uses people for what she can get.

Too many words come out of your mouth!

You are going to have to learn to cope with being the dickhead. When your baby is a toddler he will frequently believe you to be a dickhead for refusing his quite reasonable demands to play with knives, dog poo, etc. A large part of parenting is being the asshole! There are funny subreddits about it.

Well done OP!
Honestly, don't worry about what she thinks of you. She couldn't care less what you think of her, as long as she gets her own way!

And keep the £20 - it sounds like she owes you a shitload of petrol money. Tell her so!

I had a family member that lost their car when I was on mat leave. shE came round and said, you will, “you will need to drive me to and from work”

SHe had form for previous CF behaviour.

I laughed and said “ not a chance I’m driving anyone anywhere, I, i’m enjoying looking after my baby” i then laughed loudly.

Now I have a list of excuses pre recorded in my head, it works for lots of different occasions. practice.😀

Well done op.

Making a game out of it might help with the stress.

Go get yourself ten pebbles, hairclips or something and put them in a pile. You get to move a pebble every time you respond to her request by either completely ignoring or refusing without making an excuse or an apology "No, can't help" l, "No"

If you say sorry or give an excuse or god forbid do her bidding, you have to move a pebble back the the CF pile.

The aim is to move all ten pebbles from the CF pile to the new strong you pile.

It's a nice visual way of seeing yourself getting stronger.

Sending you good vibes to stay strong op.

I think I recall your earlier post. Who is this relative? Is she your MiL with a much younger family or SIL? I can’t imagine not being able to say no to a sibling, I would quite happily tell either of mine to FO and do it themselves.

Harder when it’s extended family.

How will you stop her coming to your home and leeching off you when you are at home with the baby?

I feel for you, she sounds awful.

You are a people pleaser and appeaser. Its a habit. Even with your text you have felt the need to give her an 'excuse' (dont want to catch her illness/bad night sleep). But habits can be changed over time and incrementally. The more times you say 'No' or 'No, sorry I cant this time' or 'No, that doesnt work for me' without an excuse tagged on the end the easier things will be. PP is right, you'll start to learn this when you have a toddler. Good luck with the baby OP.

Turn your phone off for the rest of your sleep and unplug the doorbell if you can

Next time she asks for an errand you could try something like:

"Oh xx thank goodness you texted! Midwife has said I must rest so I can't go anywhere, so when you are on your way back from [thing she has asked you to do] can you get me some milk xx"

For extra fun/points you could leave it 2 mins and text again "And bread. Thanks!"

Another 2 mins and "And cat litter. The big bag, not the small one. Thanks!" - extra points for that one if you haven't got a cat.

Before you switch your phone off, text DH to warn him you are going to switch your phone off.....

Being 'nice' isn't being a doormat. Being nice is really being a fun and happy friend - it is not not doing stuff for people. People beat a path to the door of fun and happy friends because they make THem feel happy and cheerful.
You are mixing up the two.

One thing that changed when I stopped being 'nice' is that I stopped being completely honest (this is another fallacy 'nice' people believe, that you can't be nice if you tell a white lie). So you could tell the scroungers in your life the doctor has recommended bed rest for swollen ankles or whatever so that gets you out of stuff.

But you really need to stop this before you have your baby - baby will take ALL of your time and if you make baby wait or upset your routine for them it will add totally unnecessary stress to what should be a very happy but busy time in your life.

You can avoid giving excuses without saying "Because I don't want to". You could simply use the time-honoured "It just doesn't work for me", or smile blandly and say "I said no, I don't think I have to give you a long, tedious account of my reasoning, do I?"

Wow. I would've blocked her by now.

Well done👏👏👏