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AIBU?

To be raging mad over this

113 replies

Cantsayno · 25/11/2019 23:03

Posted about this before and my inability to say no to peoples petty requests that they are more than capable of doing themselves, but don’t because it’s easier for them If I do it. And it is an inconvenience to me. I’m 39+1.

So family member takes the piss with requests, going to the shop, lifts here there and everywhere, only recently discovered I was collecting their child from nursery (under the assumption family member was at college) but actually was sat at home and didn’t want to make the journey down to nursery and back and as I drive it was way more convenient for me to hop in the car with my back and be lifting kids in and out of my car.

Anyway, family member has rang me twice today for favours. 1. Babysitting for an hour 2. Go to the shop. Ignored them.

Now put the guilt trip on me asking me to take child to nursery at 8am as family member is unwell. I don’t want to do it. I take my parter to work at 5.30am as he doesn’t drive and he is working over time for our family for Christmas so I will help out where I’m able to.

I find it so god damn cheeky to be hassled day in day out for tasks that they can do themselves and if I wasn’t on maternity leave, would their world fall apart? It seems so!

Aibu to say no? Or turn my phone off and pretend I’ve slept in so oops can’t take them?

Aibu to send a message saying: you’re going to have to stop asking me for all these favours because it’s getting too much, if you’ve forgotten I’m a week away from giving birth and I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home.

Does it come across too arsy? Coz I’m seriously annoyed with it all. Family member actually said to me today ‘well you need to start building up some favours coz I’ll have your child for you if you need me to’ !!!!!! Pardon?! Is this in addition to all the other bastard favours I do for you and the promises of petrol money that never materialise?

OP posts:
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BumbleBeee69 · 26/11/2019 20:35

Stop explaining yourself...

just say you're no longer available.. Flowers

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TowelNumber42 · 26/11/2019 17:54

I'd send a much much shorter message, and it would not be a message that tells her how to think and how to behave. Had you realised your message was trying to control her, which is a fool's errand?

I am not doing any more favours for you. It is has been too much. I need to concentrate on myself and the baby now

See, this message says what you are going to do. It does not attempt to tell her how to live her life. I wonder if you think it is rude to say what you are going to do but perversely think it is nicer to tell other people how they should think and behave.

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messolini9 · 26/11/2019 15:11

Aibu to send a message saying: you’re going to have to stop asking me for all these favours because it’s getting too much, if you’ve forgotten I’m a week away from giving birth and I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home.

YANBU

Does it come across too arsy?

Not arsey enough actually OP.
It's perfect apart from adding to the final line - "I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home because you can't be bothered & feel it's ok to dump your jobs onto me."

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ActualHornist · 26/11/2019 15:06

I’m glad you sent that OP.

You’ll have a baby soon, use that time to stiffen that backbone. It’s enough to say you can’t because you don’t want to. No, I don’t want to get up early again to do you a favour which makes my life harder and yours easier.
You obviously don’t need to send that but keep it in the back of your mind!

You can use the baby once he or she is here as an excuse, but I honestly advise you not to. Be truthful, without being rude. ‘I’ll see what I can do’ is a useful placeholder before the ‘sorry I can’t I don’t have time’ Wink

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ConcentricCircles · 26/11/2019 14:50

Aibu to send a message saying: you’re going to have to stop asking me for all these favours because it’s getting too much, if you’ve forgotten I’m a week away from giving birth and I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home .
Family member actually said to me today ‘well you need to start building up some favours coz I’ll have your child for you if you need me to’ !!!!!! Pardon?! Is this in addition to all the other bastard favours I do for you and the promises of petrol money that never materialise

^^I'd send this thanks to my DP doing the shopping and coming home with wine and cake and me having drunk ever such a small glass ful Wink

In fact I'd send it anyway - she really is a CF - a great bloody big one!

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mummmy2017 · 26/11/2019 14:26

It helps if before you help someone you list all the things they do for you, in your head.
I used buy clothing for my sister's DD.
Then I had my own child, one day I picked up a dress and thought how cute for niece, but she never buys for me.

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KarmaStar · 26/11/2019 10:46

Hi op,
Good on you for saying no.
I read that only we are in charge of our emotions,nobody can 'make' us feel guilty or stupid,it is what we allow ourselves to feel.This often has me thinking!
As pp have said,your tiny baby is going to need you to do everything for them,so you need to be as rested and strong as you have ever been.so continue to say no with your baby in mind.
Put your feet up and watch your programmes and relax.shut the world out and just centre yourself.
It won't be long until your baby is in your arms.Flowers

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billy1966 · 26/11/2019 10:11

@TowelNumber42

Great exercise.👍

OP,

Clearly your sister doesn't give a damn about you and thinks you're a bit dim to be so bullied and imposed upon. Apologies if that is harsh, but you can bet it's the truth.

Perhaps ponder this....

You are having a child soon who is going to need it's Mum in its corner. Ready to support, defend, advocate for.

If you can't do it for yourself, how will you manage for your child.

Mother's often have to be warriors for their children.

You have started finally, having wasted your Mat leave being used.

Do @Towels exercise. It's a great strong visualisation task.

Wishing you the very best💐

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AdoreTheBeach · 26/11/2019 10:10

Good for you OP. You need this to end now or during your maternity leave it will get worse as to her, you’re home anyway and not doing anything so available to do her every whim.

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Cantsayno · 26/11/2019 09:52

I’ve not long been awake, not had any response to my text message so don’t know if she’s slept in or decided not to take her or taken her herself or simply got the hump about it. Either way, I’m glad.

I’m going to go out for the day anyway do a bit of Christmas shopping and get moving around and hopefully get this baby moving and hopefully family member will see my car isn’t there so will leave me be lol

I just want to say a big thank you for the advice I have received in here I’m feeling so much more confident about this now and these been some great advice given. I know it’s my second thread about it but I clearly do find this a hard habit to break but I’m feel equipped with advice from you wise mumsnetters!

OP posts:
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Pinkyyy · 26/11/2019 09:44

Well done OP. You may find that once you have a baby, you'll sprout a backbone automatically. You'll have no inclination to cave into petty requests because you'll have your baby there with you to prioritise.

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pinkstar01 · 26/11/2019 09:27

Sheesh! I'm 33+1 and I can just about do my own kids school runs (with a lot of help from DH) so there's no way in hell I would be doing it for someone else's kid, someone super cheeky at that!
Just repeat: sorry no I'm tired!

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Cataline · 26/11/2019 09:14

I'm assuming this is your sister? Well done on telling her you're not prepared to give in to her ridiculous demands any more. Look after you!

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MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/11/2019 08:53

Well done👏👏👏

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chachachachachacha · 26/11/2019 08:08

Wow. I would've blocked her by now.

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Beveren · 26/11/2019 07:30

You can avoid giving excuses without saying "Because I don't want to". You could simply use the time-honoured "It just doesn't work for me", or smile blandly and say "I said no, I don't think I have to give you a long, tedious account of my reasoning, do I?"

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Stooshie8 · 26/11/2019 07:04

Being 'nice' isn't being a doormat. Being nice is really being a fun and happy friend - it is not not doing stuff for people. People beat a path to the door of fun and happy friends because they make THem feel happy and cheerful.
You are mixing up the two.

One thing that changed when I stopped being 'nice' is that I stopped being completely honest (this is another fallacy 'nice' people believe, that you can't be nice if you tell a white lie). So you could tell the scroungers in your life the doctor has recommended bed rest for swollen ankles or whatever so that gets you out of stuff.

But you really need to stop this before you have your baby - baby will take ALL of your time and if you make baby wait or upset your routine for them it will add totally unnecessary stress to what should be a very happy but busy time in your life.

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willowmelangell · 26/11/2019 07:02

Before you switch your phone off, text DH to warn him you are going to switch your phone off.....

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BalloonSlayer · 26/11/2019 06:59

Next time she asks for an errand you could try something like:

"Oh xx thank goodness you texted! Midwife has said I must rest so I can't go anywhere, so when you are on your way back from [thing she has asked you to do] can you get me some milk xx"

For extra fun/points you could leave it 2 mins and text again "And bread. Thanks!"

Another 2 mins and "And cat litter. The big bag, not the small one. Thanks!" - extra points for that one if you haven't got a cat.

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DartmoorDoughnut · 26/11/2019 06:56

Turn your phone off for the rest of your sleep and unplug the doorbell if you can

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humblesims · 26/11/2019 06:55

You are a people pleaser and appeaser. Its a habit. Even with your text you have felt the need to give her an 'excuse' (dont want to catch her illness/bad night sleep). But habits can be changed over time and incrementally. The more times you say 'No' or 'No, sorry I cant this time' or 'No, that doesnt work for me' without an excuse tagged on the end the easier things will be. PP is right, you'll start to learn this when you have a toddler. Good luck with the baby OP.

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PlumsGalore · 26/11/2019 06:53

I think I recall your earlier post. Who is this relative? Is she your MiL with a much younger family or SIL? I can’t imagine not being able to say no to a sibling, I would quite happily tell either of mine to FO and do it themselves.

Harder when it’s extended family.

How will you stop her coming to your home and leeching off you when you are at home with the baby?

I feel for you, she sounds awful.

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GertrudeCB · 26/11/2019 06:52

Sending you good vibes to stay strong op.

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TowelNumber42 · 26/11/2019 06:49

Making a game out of it might help with the stress.

Go get yourself ten pebbles, hairclips or something and put them in a pile. You get to move a pebble every time you respond to her request by either completely ignoring or refusing without making an excuse or an apology "No, can't help" l, "No"

If you say sorry or give an excuse or god forbid do her bidding, you have to move a pebble back the the CF pile.

The aim is to move all ten pebbles from the CF pile to the new strong you pile.

It's a nice visual way of seeing yourself getting stronger.

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CalleighDoodle · 26/11/2019 06:49

Well done op.

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