To be a bit pissed off at colleague's comments about 'away day'

[OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg]

The team of which I'm a part is having an away day (well, an away afternoon) instead of a traditional Christmas night out. The activity that has been chosen by the organiser is go-karting at a local track. This is not a great activity for me - I have mobility issues and am currently undergoing tests to see if I would benefit from spinal fixation as I have Chiari I malformation caused by hypermobility / Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, so taking part in something with a risk of being bumped about or driven into when I already have an unstable spine and am looking at possible surgery would be a bit irresponsible. Not to worry, I willingly volunteered to stay at work as normal and be the person on hand to deal with any urgent issues that crop up, rather than a member of another team having to do that on top of their day job. My manager is fine with that arrangement.

Since it became known that I'm not taking part in the away day activity, the woman who organised it has been a bit 'off' with me, but nothing I could really put my finger on. It's now got back to me from a reliable source that she has been making comments, both to other colleagues across the department and apparently on FB (I'm not FB friends with her but some of the team are) about 'people who aren't team players' in the context of the away day - apparently she had a plan for a team competition and the fact that I'm not going has thrown the numbers out - and 'fun sponges who think they're too good to join in'.

I haven't made a big thing of my tests and possible surgery, only my boss and one other person in the team who I'm reasonably close to know about it, although I do have some specialist kit at work as a reasonable adjustment so it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to work out I have a bad back or similar. I don't really want to have to share the details of my private medical issues to justify why I'm not going - when one or two others have asked I've just smiled and made a joke along the lines of "oh you'll all be much safer without me there, you've never seen me drive have you ha ha, I hope you all have a fab time". I don't even know why this woman's comments have bothered me so much, I'm usually quite good at brushing off stuff like this on the rare times it arises, so I don't know why this has got under my skin, but it has. AIBU to be annoyed that she's bitching about me behind my back about something so petty?

Yanbu unreasonable. I would call her out on it and tell your boss.

I am not surprised that this is upsetting to you. Your work really should have made sure that an inclusive get together was planned. And her behaviour is out of order.

There are a number of things you could do:

• ignore and get on with it
• ask your manager to have a discreet word
• tell her

To be honest I would go with the last option. It might make her think about how she behaves in the future.

YANBU and I am sorry you've got to work with a moron like this.

Colleague I heard you have been making comments that are directed at me. Normally I would be happy to partake in the activity but I have a very good reason why I can’t that I do not wish to disclose to the entire team. X boss knows and understands.

YANBU and it’s none of her business why you won’t be their you shouldn’t have to justify yourself to a dickhead.

There! Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

As someone with a chronic illness I wouldn't hesitate in subtly dropping her in it from a great height in passing to your boss.

Report her. It's very unfair and unprofessional for her to behave this way and make a massive deal over you.
There's things I can't do because of my physical health and this would have me in tears.

Report her to your boss and say she is gossiping about you.

ED syndrome is classified as a disability. I'd gather your evidence and submit a disability discrimination case if she continues.

YANBU unreasonable to be upset here, and you are def NU to not take part given your issues, but I slightly suspect that you asking to stay behind and work/cover the office instead of attending has come across a bit martyr-ish or even PA to the organiser woman, especially if she doesn't know/hasn't worked out about your bad back (and never underestimate how much people won't put 2 and 2 together about these things, she may not even have thought that go karting is not great for anyone with health/mobility issues or even anyone pregnant, obvious as that may seem). She was probably tasked with/hoping for 100% attendance and has probably now projected disappointment/frustration about that onto you being bitchy/making herself the victim, which is a very normal, if annoying cognitive 'thing' the brain does as a defence mechanism. You may have unwittingly compounded this by your light hearted deflection of questions about why you are not coming to the point where she now thinks it's something personal about her and her organisation of the event rather than a legitimate reason. Of course people that touchy should never, ever, be asked to organise any work event because it's nigh on impossible to organise something that suits everyone, even something as simple as lunch or drinks never mind an activity, so you will always have some drop outs/people whinging out it, but there you go, it's happened now...

I think personally rather than go to management which will just escalate it, I would either just ignore, soon it will be yesterday's news and anyone who works with you must know that you are a team player anyway, or I would do a polite confrontation with her directly, ask her if she or anyone else is upset about you not coming and assure her that it's nothing to do with you being not a team player or not up for team activities (you don't have to say it's to do with your health), as you have heard from 'somewhere' that people are perhaps concerned about that, is there anything she as organiser can do to counter that? Also perhaps ask if there are drinks or a meal afterwards you could join them for, to prove the point?

Good luck, hope you sort it.

I wanted to keep the boss out of it if possible, it's the sort of petty shit I would be inwardly rolling my eyes at and thinking "why aren't you sorting this out between yourselves" if I were the manager involved. I'm not a shrinking violet by any means but she's a force of nature! She has a reputation of always being quite bolshy and opinionated but she does have the ear of a couple of people in the wider department whose opinions matter - not that anyone would surely give a toss whether someone goes to an away day or not! And rationally I know that it really doesn't matter but I can't stop her comments preying on my mind which is pathetic really.

I have a similar condition and also have been in similar situations. Ignore her as it’s none of her business or if you feel comfortable mentioning it embarrass her. I have always gone for the embarrassing said person approach as they usually can’t backtrack fast enough.

hey @OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg I'm 10 months post surgery T2 to l3, best decision ever. good luck with that

I would tell her/everyone why you aren't going. shut her up once and for all

TokenGinger yeah, I've had an Occupational Health assessment and it's documented with HR that my EDS does constitute a disability (which is how I got the specialist equipment as a reasonable adjustment).

That makes a lot of sense maxelly. I've tried hard not to come over as a martyr, hence making a joke of it, because I don't feel martyred at all (having an afternoon more or less to myself to catch up on stuff will be bliss!) but that doesn't mean she hasn't perceived it as such.

(My lunch time is over shortly so if I don't respond further, that's why.)

That's encouraging to hear babydog, thanks for that. I'm bricking it already and there's no guarantees it's going to happen yet!

People like this need calling out. Loudly and transparently. If you have the courage (wrong word probs), now would be a good time to let everyone know why you are not attending and that you don't appreciate the shit being thrown at you. Your condition is painful and also to need to be careful with what you do. Expose the crap.. shine a light on it.. either personally or via boss / HR. Not all disabilities / conditions are visible but that doesn't make it any less important.

I would tell the truth of why you're not going and watch her squirm.

Talk to your boss or talk to her. Better to put the things right before she makes you feel more uncomfortable or force other colleagues to take sides.

Can you not just say 'I have a disability that prevents me from joining in but I don't mind missing it but I wish you wouldn't gossip about my non attendance. I wish I could join in with such a lovely activity' that should embarrass her enough

The trouble with the public confrontation and humiliation of the bitchy organiser lady (and I'm not saying she's behaved well here or doesn't deserve to be humiliated, not at all) is (a) OP's medical condition is her private information and if she doesn't want the whole office to know, that's her prerogative and (b) if this woman is as touchy and defensive as she seems, she's unlikely to take a public calling out and shaming with a good grace, she will probably retaliate in some way and OP is going to need to be prepared to fight her corner for quite some time, the woman may even be quite skilled in emotional manipulation and turn herself into the victim over the whole episode somehow for all we know. As OP says she is quite influential and loud-mouthed, it might be worth playing the political game and trying to keep her on side for a quiet life in the long term?

Just a thought, if I wasn't so cowardly about confrontation I'd be in the public shaming camp too to be fair!

She has chosen an activity that is not inclusive for the team. She is at fault.

In your position I would not confront as she seems too self absorbed not to turn this into a poor me situation where she couldn't have known and now your illness has made her feel bad!
I'd start sighing, gesturing to my desk, chair etc and saying "I'd love to take part in the activity but since I obviously can't I'll stay behind and hold the fort" with the accompanying brave smile.

Just go and watch.... and quietly let people know you can't partake? On the one hand you've still turned up and watered down her stupid uninformed comments and on the other you've haven't risked your health... I'm still in the "calling her out in it camp" but I also understand your need to be private.

I'd tell the boss, honestly, and I don't think a good boss would be inwardly rolling their eyes; they'd be concerned that a member of their staff might need some swift training in disability and health awareness.

I wouldn't go on this Day out, purely on the basis that for me personally it's a CRAP idea... no illness.. no surgery.. just for it being a crap idea...

give me a warm cosy christmas dinner in a pub with a fire and my colleagues anyday...