To be a bit pissed off at colleague's comments about 'away day'

[OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg]

The team of which I'm a part is having an away day (well, an away afternoon) instead of a traditional Christmas night out. The activity that has been chosen by the organiser is go-karting at a local track. This is not a great activity for me - I have mobility issues and am currently undergoing tests to see if I would benefit from spinal fixation as I have Chiari I malformation caused by hypermobility / Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, so taking part in something with a risk of being bumped about or driven into when I already have an unstable spine and am looking at possible surgery would be a bit irresponsible. Not to worry, I willingly volunteered to stay at work as normal and be the person on hand to deal with any urgent issues that crop up, rather than a member of another team having to do that on top of their day job. My manager is fine with that arrangement.

Since it became known that I'm not taking part in the away day activity, the woman who organised it has been a bit 'off' with me, but nothing I could really put my finger on. It's now got back to me from a reliable source that she has been making comments, both to other colleagues across the department and apparently on FB (I'm not FB friends with her but some of the team are) about 'people who aren't team players' in the context of the away day - apparently she had a plan for a team competition and the fact that I'm not going has thrown the numbers out - and 'fun sponges who think they're too good to join in'.

I haven't made a big thing of my tests and possible surgery, only my boss and one other person in the team who I'm reasonably close to know about it, although I do have some specialist kit at work as a reasonable adjustment so it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to work out I have a bad back or similar. I don't really want to have to share the details of my private medical issues to justify why I'm not going - when one or two others have asked I've just smiled and made a joke along the lines of "oh you'll all be much safer without me there, you've never seen me drive have you ha ha, I hope you all have a fab time". I don't even know why this woman's comments have bothered me so much, I'm usually quite good at brushing off stuff like this on the rare times it arises, so I don't know why this has got under my skin, but it has. AIBU to be annoyed that she's bitching about me behind my back about something so petty?

Could you not have gone to the karting to watch/look after everyone's bags etc I'm assuming there is food and drinks afterwards that you could still join in with. I can see how not attending at all has annoyed some people.

You really have no idea do you?I'm disabled and if anyone thought they could be annoyed with me because I didn't want to look after their bags while they enjoyed an activity I had been excluded from I would tell them to F off.

Too bloody roght woodchick A disability, a discomfort, a flat out dislike of an activity is nor reason to have to sit alone for hoursand be The Bag Lady for someone elses idea of a great night out!

If some people are offended that others don't want, need or enjoy their company, or the uber exciting activities they signed up to, they need to grow up!

Fuck Off would be the least of it!

You know what, StanleySteamer, even if the OP wasn’t going because she thought it was a load of shit, that’s her business! The dickhead has absolutely no business slabbering about her. She may be dumb - ish, but she doesn't deserve the complete slagging off she gets on here, in her ignorance of the truth! Her ignorance of the OP’s disability is neither here nor there, she deserves more than a slagging.

I'm a senior manager and I promise you I absolutely wouldn't be rolling my eyes if you talked to me about it. I would deal with it, quietly and professionally. Please talk to your boss!

Perhaps approach it as "You're aware that Ermintrude has arranged for us to take part in go-karting for our Christmas Do and that I can't participate due to a medical condition. However, it has been brought to my attention that Ermintrude is criticising me on social media/to colleagues for not taking part in the event and for being a bit of a killjoy - gather and include evidence/screenshots if you can. As you know, I can't take part in this event for medical reasons, as it may significantly worsen my condition prior to potential surgery. Whilst I don't want to share my medical details with Ermintrude, would you mind speaking to her to ensure that she is aware that my reasons for not participating are genuine, that I would participate if I could, and that you have been included in that decision making?

Your boss should really have had some oversight of the activity to ensure it was appropriate and accessible for all team members. The fact that it was booked by the organiser without any apparent consultation isn't great and your manager should really take some responsibility for that.

I despise driving with a passion. This wouldn't be a fun event for me whatsoever and I know that some colleagues on my team have similar health issues which would make this activity inaccessible to them too. Personally, I'm recovering from a bout of sciatica so the last thing I would want to do would be to squeeze into a go-kart and risk a collision that might set my recovery back.

I'm obviously naive but I'd have just said I can't join in as it'll knacker my back more so I'll hold down the fort.

What I said

"Where she IS wrong is with the gossipy/backbiting. That IS bullying and she could/should be reported to HR for it. disablility or not, she should not treat any member of her team in this way, it is hardly team building."

" and to stop bullying her or else it will get serious"
No need for foul language, temper, screaming, shouting hitting or anything else.

Getting disciplined at work is pretty damn serious, what else do you want to do, cut her head off and stick it on a pike? Put your horns back in.

StanleySteamer you really do like telling women how they should do, don’t you? They can stick the spike up her arse for all I care. She’s a nasty shit.

I think you should email her so you have a record.

Hi Jane, just wanted to clear the air about something. I understand you're disappointed I can't attend the away day, however this is due to my disability which means I can't risk a collision. Probably lucky only one member of the team is excluded from the activity!

Hopefully next year's activity will be something everyone can partake in, in which case I'll be there with bells on.

OP

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I'd have said exactly the same if it was a man and a man or a man and a woman. They are just people.

And I don't think I actually TOLD anyone to do anything. Maybe you would like to be a little more objective.

She is no worse a shit than any other gossipy, backbiting person, male or female. And I have known and worked for some really shitty backstabbing males. I have had far worse done to me, or tried on by both male and female bosses. It isn't a gender thing, it's a personality thing.

You will notice that I have not been sexist in my comments to you or anyone else.

Sorry yes, did tell you to "put your horns back in". Kindly regard my wrist as well and truly slapped for that!

I don't really want to have to share the details of my private medical issues to justify why I'm not going

But just think of the revenge "gotcha" you could have if you call her out on it, and then tell her that you have a potentially serious medical condition which may require surgery and that makes go-karting dangerous for you, to the point of giving you a permanent disability (you could overegg the pudding a wee bit, although I do have a friend with EDS who may have to start using a wheelchair at times).

Watch her shut up and back pedal - for me, it would be a joy. She would then have to apologise and you could be fabulously passive-aggressive and say something along the lines of "Oh well, I'm used to people being disableist in day to day life."

I think it's a stupid idea for one - go karts scare me and I would hate having to do it and having to get in the gross suits. It's not a normal thing to do and I know many members of my team would be unable to do it.

She's a moaning Myrtle. let her enjoy it. Not your problem.

Still, I find it odd you haven't simply said you have back issues and let that be widely known. No one with back issues wants to be jolted around. You don't have to mention it's a disability or go into details. No one with a history of back pain wants to risk it getting bad again. Having a bad back is very completely ordinary and common at every age.

Still, I find it odd you haven't simply said you have back issues and let that be widely known. No one with back issues wants to be jolted around. You don't have to mention it's a disability or go into details. No one with a history of back pain wants to risk it getting bad again. Having a bad back is very completely ordinary and common at every age.

A lot of people start asking questions if you say that you have a back problem though and OP doesn't want to discuss and why should she?

Memo to colleagues:- Because the activity replacing our enjoyable Christmas night out has been chosen with no consideration of or consultation with other participants I am unable to enjoy the event with my friends for reasons I have made clear to those it concerns.

That should put her nose out of joint!

The team of which I'm a part is having an away day (well, an away afternoon) instead of a traditional Christmas night out.

This is all I need to read to know that whoever had this idea is a massive nobhead

Quick update - I caught my manager first thing this morning and said I wanted to give him the heads up that I was going to try and have a quiet word with Bossy Bessie* because I understand she's not happy about the away day arrangements but that it depended on being able to catch her alone (we work in a large open plan office). He asked a couple of questions and then said "leave it with me, I'll speak to her today" in a way that made it clear he is Not Happy at BB's behaviour, so I feel a bit happier at having raised it and my boss taking it seriously - thank you all for the sense check that I wasn't being oversensitive in being narked.

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent

Oh well done OP! I was going to say you should use GroupCaptainChablis’s excellent email but sounds like you have it sorted. OH! To be a fly on the wall when the rude cow gets a telling off!!

Superb OP

Could you not have gone to the karting to watch/look after everyone's bags etc
Yeah, that'd be fun

I wouldn't go on this Day out, purely on the basis that for me personally it's a CRAP idea... no illness.. no surgery.. just for it being a crap idea...

^This. I can't think of many things I would enjoy less. Many years ago the place I worked organized a go-kart day out. I went along thinking it might be fun. It wasn't.

Good update OP. Going forwards I think I would ask your manager to ensure that all "away day" options are run past him first to ensure that they're inclusive for all. That way your condition (or anyone else's for that matter) doesn't have to become common knowledge to everyone and it will avoid someone putting their foot in it.

I know it doesn't apply to BB but someone else may try and organise something in the future and may be mortified to discover they'd inadvertently excluded someone.

Did you mention that she's put it on facebook too? Because that really was a big no-no on Bossy's part.

Well done you, OnlyTheTit. Your colleague has behaved outrageously, I hope she is well told off for it.

Glad you have your manager's support.

I would have a quiet word with your boss & ask him to speak to this lady and get her to knock her comments on the head.

If he says no, just mention the words disability discrimination. She is guilty of this as well as bullying & harrassment.