To be a bit pissed off at colleague's comments about 'away day'

[OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg]

The team of which I'm a part is having an away day (well, an away afternoon) instead of a traditional Christmas night out. The activity that has been chosen by the organiser is go-karting at a local track. This is not a great activity for me - I have mobility issues and am currently undergoing tests to see if I would benefit from spinal fixation as I have Chiari I malformation caused by hypermobility / Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, so taking part in something with a risk of being bumped about or driven into when I already have an unstable spine and am looking at possible surgery would be a bit irresponsible. Not to worry, I willingly volunteered to stay at work as normal and be the person on hand to deal with any urgent issues that crop up, rather than a member of another team having to do that on top of their day job. My manager is fine with that arrangement.

Since it became known that I'm not taking part in the away day activity, the woman who organised it has been a bit 'off' with me, but nothing I could really put my finger on. It's now got back to me from a reliable source that she has been making comments, both to other colleagues across the department and apparently on FB (I'm not FB friends with her but some of the team are) about 'people who aren't team players' in the context of the away day - apparently she had a plan for a team competition and the fact that I'm not going has thrown the numbers out - and 'fun sponges who think they're too good to join in'.

I haven't made a big thing of my tests and possible surgery, only my boss and one other person in the team who I'm reasonably close to know about it, although I do have some specialist kit at work as a reasonable adjustment so it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to work out I have a bad back or similar. I don't really want to have to share the details of my private medical issues to justify why I'm not going - when one or two others have asked I've just smiled and made a joke along the lines of "oh you'll all be much safer without me there, you've never seen me drive have you ha ha, I hope you all have a fab time". I don't even know why this woman's comments have bothered me so much, I'm usually quite good at brushing off stuff like this on the rare times it arises, so I don't know why this has got under my skin, but it has. AIBU to be annoyed that she's bitching about me behind my back about something so petty?

You're not at all unreasonable to be a bit miffed about her.
Honestly, how dare she write about you on Facebook where others with whom you work will see? It's really bad form & extremely unprofessional.

I can see that your health is your business but I do think you mention to her that you've heard about her FB posts, how inappropriate they are etc. You don't have to tell her all about your problem but let her know that there is a good medical reason. Then leave it.

Hopefully she will correct what she said on facebook. She's horrible though, yah boo to her.

If I were your manager, I’d be pulling her up on discriminating against a colleague with health issues.

She sounds like a bitch.

What a horrible bitchy person she is!! Obviously you shouldn't have to share your medical history with her but I am a little perplexed as to why you wouldn’t call her out on this in a clear way. You don't have to go into any detail. If you do go for back surgery, you are going to be out of the office for a while whilst you recover so why be all mysterious about it?

I would email Bitchface and cc your manager in:
“Re the Christmas activity, I know that my missing this has caused some comment but as I am awaiting back surgery, go-karting isnt a great idea for me. However, I am happy to hold the fort here and then if you are going for a drink or meal afterwards, maybe I could join you for that. Hope you all have a great fun time”.

Talk to your boss. For others who may in future have a disability as well as yourself.

Don't give her a second thought. Be the life and soul of happy, and people will soon sense her embitterment and like you all the more for it.

YANBU. I had cauda equina, laminectomy and discectomy and I wouldn't be able to take part
It's like the people who badger you if you don't celebrate Christmas "oh Scrooge, don't be so miserable, cheer up, it's great" and you're sat there thinking fuck off, my parent/child/relative died over Christmas, but they don't think before they open their mouth

I would get her on her own and tell her "in strictest confidence" that because of your serious health issues (do not specify) taking part could potentially cause you permanent damage. Stress that you are telling her this because you can rely on her discretion (try to keep a straight face) in not telling others why you are not taking part but you would appreciate her vigilance and cooperation if she hears any negative comments (straight face again) of letting other people know that your decision is based on a real and serious concern and is not because of any lack of team spirit or willingness to have fun.

If you then hear any more nasty comments have been made by anyone you know that she has been mouthing off and you can complain to HR and bury the bitch.

I have the same condition so know only too well how potentially dangerous of an activity that would be fir you.

She's bang out of order. You have been nothing but reasonable & helpful in the face of her booking an activity that doesn't accommodate your disability. She's already on very shaky ground, yet compounds that with bullying behaviour too. She's a disabilist bitch.

I'd be using everything in the book to officially rip her a new arsehole

You don't have to out your medical condition but you could wistfully look forward to an inclusive team get together in the future.
She's sounds bloody awful.

I would discuss this with your boss as I really think she was out of order to organise this sort of activity in the first place as an away day. Not only is it very non-inclusive but bitching about people who can't join in makes it 10 times worse. I'm guessing that everyone in your workplace is quite young because if someone did this where I work (many of us are over 50) many people would have refused to join in and if she had bitched about it they would have given her a piece of their mind.

Yet another MN rant!
1/ she doesn't know or appear to know about your problem, you've kept it quiet so how can she, even if she hasn't put 2 and 2 together about your special equipment she cannot know how serious it is or whether the activity in question could be bad for you
2/ you deflect any questions about why you don't "want" to do the activity with lies. Again, not surprisingly she still doesn't know or understand

Where she IS wrong is with the gossipy/backbiting. That IS bullying and she could/should be reported to HR for it. disablility or not, she should not treat any member of her team in this way, it is hardly team building.

And before you think I am some typical uncarinng shit male who has no clue, my wife has a titanium cage in her back, she walks with a stick, takes ridiculous amounts of morphine sulphate every day, yet still gardens, drives, does as much houeswork as she can.

Solution? Tell your boss to take her to one side, swear her to secrecy then tell her vaguely why you cannot do the activity, and to stop bullying her or else it will get serious.

She may be dumb - ish, but she doesn't deserve the complete slagging off she gets on here, in her ignorance of the truth!

Can you get hold of a screenshot of the FB posts?

Take it to your manager.

This is bullying and is linked to a protected characteristic.

If your manager can’t see the risk in not intervening they’re totally stupid.

They just need to say, look @OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg isn’t able to join us at the team away day, they’ve kindly offered to cover the office for us, your behaviour is unacceptable in this context.

If it’s just numbers being odd any activity like this would adjust as they see it every day.

At least you have discovered your colleague is an idiot and tactless. That’s useful knowledge.

Find a Disability Discrimination Awareness training course that is being run on the same day as the Away Day, and send her the link for it suggesting that maybe she should go to it.

I'm sorry to hear your going through the mill a bit healthwise op - where this one is concerned though I honestly think you need to ask her for a quiet word and just say "I've heard you have some sort of an issue with my not attending, so wanted to just let you know privately that I have some health issues which prevent me from taking part"
Don't elaborate on what those health issues are but reiterate that you'd LOVE to be able to take part but sadly you can't. You've told her then and she'll be in no doubt you've heard about her bitching and hopefully have the good grace to be shamed of herself and wind her neck in. Xx

She may be dumb - ish, but she doesn't deserve the complete slagging off she gets on here, in her ignorance of the truth!

She does though. She should have thought before she started bitching and splashing on FB. A few seconds' thought would lead most people to conclude that perhaps the person has a private reason for not wanting or being able to join the activity.

Also, who bitches about work colleagues as Facebook statuses?! If i were a manager and i learned of that i would assume that person was very dim and lacked judgment. Social media diaorrhea about work is the height of stupidity. I would think twice about giving promotions to such a dimwit.

@Chronicallymothering This. Why on earth do (some) jolly hockey sticks types (and others!) think the only way to demonstrate team spirit is by knocking your body about in so-called "sports" activities? We only get one body per life, after all! (Much as I sometimes wish I could trade mine in, or bits of it, anyway.)

OP, does your company do any E&D training? And has this particular colleague actually done it?

I appreciate you want to keep your condition private, and you have every right to, but is it worth having a chat with your manager? This isn't "petty shit"; this sounds like a fundamental attitude on the part of the event organiser. During my years as a line manager I'd have been horrified if any of my staff had felt they couldn't approach me when they were upset about something of this kind.

I also agree with previous comments that this activity should have been made an inclusive one.

I personally like the idea of smiling sweetly at her every time she's in the vicinity or she or anyone else raises it as a topic and just mentioning that taking part in such an activity would invalidate your health insurance and your consultants have advised against it. Without going into any further details. (Yes, I know we're not under the American system yet!) Might make her think though - I take it the special equipment hasn't arrived yet for you so she wouldn't have been able to observe it; or maybe the penny wouldn't have dropped anyway.

Or alternatively, as someone else suggested, go and cheer them on. In that case I'd be very tempted to make a (suitably demure) cheerleader's outfit for the day, complete with pompoms and loud recorded applause... but then I've always hated the AwayDay corporate nonsense with a passion. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

Just also realised I meant to add, does your workplace have a social media use policy? While they might only cover workplace use of Facebook and so on, there might be something in there about not making inappropriate comments about colleagues. Worth a look, anyway.

I'll bet there are others who dont want to do a go karty thing, but are too scared to dip out and if one of them breaks their ankle what a fine thing that would be ...!

I think I would talk to my boss. You have offered to cover so they can all go and "enjoy" the go karting. Also explain you dont want your medical issues/reasons for not going in the public arena and are very hurt by tittle tattle about you not going or being a team player esp when you are covering at the office so they can all go and enjoy themselves in an activity that you are excluded from.

I fucking hate away days. I either book annual leave or straight up say no thank you.

I have no interest in spending time socially with my colleagues. They're mostly perfectly fine, but I'm very introverted and hate any kind of enforced "fun" based on circumstance as opposed to affinity. I cringe at the first mention of organised fun, and what I find fun is usually the opposite of what team building says are based on.

They're very welcome to call me a party pooper etc.

Thanks all, some really good suggestions for how to tackle this. I need to say something as I’m just going to stew over it otherwise.

cannycat I’ve had my equipment for months! Part of it is a standing desk so it’s fairly obvious when I’m using it!

woodchuck I am one of the older members of the team and the majority are younger - 20s or early 30s - but ironically the organiser is older than me.

I’d pull her up on it OP! Just email if you don’t want to say anything in person, something like

Dear twatty colleague
It’s got back to me that you’ve been making comments about me not being able to attend the go karting. So although I don’t think i should have to explain myself I feel I need to set you straight on that I cannot attend due to a medical condition. Therefore I have volunteered to stay back at the office instead of ruining everybody’s fun by insisting other more inclusive plans were made.

I am one of the older members of the team and the majority are younger - 20s or early 30s - but ironically the organiser is older than me.

If she is older she really has no excuse for being ignorant. The fact that you have a standing desk should make it extremely obvious that you may have back problems anyway. I would definitely have a word with your manager about it.

Could you not have gone to the karting to watch/look after everyone's bags etc I'm assuming there is food and drinks afterwards that you could still join in with. I can see how not attending at all has annoyed some people. But I wouldn't worry about it, the Christmas party will be long forgotten when you return to work after Christmas.

@OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg Flippin' heck then, if your desk is already in place, she's got no excuse! (Not that she had anyway.) Does she think you're using a standing desk because it's trendy in some circles or something?

I'm also suspecting you're in a workplace with lots of younger people from your description; I'm now in my early 50s and with the best will in the world I'm simply not the person I was in my 20s. The body's just not as bendy or obedient as it once was, and that's despite all the yoga stretches in my 30s. If the organiser is one of the older ones in your workplace, I'm guesing she must be one of those incredibly lucky people who've not been ill or indisposed much!