To be a bit pissed off at colleague's comments about 'away day'

[OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg]

The team of which I'm a part is having an away day (well, an away afternoon) instead of a traditional Christmas night out. The activity that has been chosen by the organiser is go-karting at a local track. This is not a great activity for me - I have mobility issues and am currently undergoing tests to see if I would benefit from spinal fixation as I have Chiari I malformation caused by hypermobility / Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, so taking part in something with a risk of being bumped about or driven into when I already have an unstable spine and am looking at possible surgery would be a bit irresponsible. Not to worry, I willingly volunteered to stay at work as normal and be the person on hand to deal with any urgent issues that crop up, rather than a member of another team having to do that on top of their day job. My manager is fine with that arrangement.

Since it became known that I'm not taking part in the away day activity, the woman who organised it has been a bit 'off' with me, but nothing I could really put my finger on. It's now got back to me from a reliable source that she has been making comments, both to other colleagues across the department and apparently on FB (I'm not FB friends with her but some of the team are) about 'people who aren't team players' in the context of the away day - apparently she had a plan for a team competition and the fact that I'm not going has thrown the numbers out - and 'fun sponges who think they're too good to join in'.

I haven't made a big thing of my tests and possible surgery, only my boss and one other person in the team who I'm reasonably close to know about it, although I do have some specialist kit at work as a reasonable adjustment so it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to work out I have a bad back or similar. I don't really want to have to share the details of my private medical issues to justify why I'm not going - when one or two others have asked I've just smiled and made a joke along the lines of "oh you'll all be much safer without me there, you've never seen me drive have you ha ha, I hope you all have a fab time". I don't even know why this woman's comments have bothered me so much, I'm usually quite good at brushing off stuff like this on the rare times it arises, so I don't know why this has got under my skin, but it has. AIBU to be annoyed that she's bitching about me behind my back about something so petty?

Firstly, you're definitely not being unreasonable.

Secondly, what is it with companies and these 'fun' away days. Since I've been working for a tech company they've done trampolining, go karting, adult 'soft play' etc. What's wrong with sitting down for a meal or going to the pub!?!?

Well, she doesn't know the full situation but I'm still really annoyed with her on your behalf.

I would say something to her I think, factual but not aggressive. Like a police sergeant, put your evidence clearly in front of her (in verbal form), so she properly squirms and apologises. Say you are disappointed you have had to share personal information to defend yourself and that she should have considered that go-karting is physical and involves some risk, and that people not going are not necessarily party-poopers, but may have conditions they don't want to share with the office that are preventing them.

Your condition constitutes a disability but also what if a colleague was pregnant, hadn't announced it and wanted to sit out? She needs to realise tact may be needed.

The organiser is at fault here, not you. She should have arranged an inclusive activity - it's as simple as that.

I think it's generous of you to volunteer to hold the fort, in the circumstances. I would have asked for the afternoon off - or at least, an equivalent afternoon, so you can hold the fort but still enjoy some downtime of your own.

I would just ignore her if you don't want to inform your boss.
She sounds like someone who would share all your personal information or have a quick Google on your condition and then still try and suggest she's right and your condition isn't that bad.
Ignore her.

Again it means sharing, but I'd go for the I have a disability and either shut up or face a complaint about disability discrimination because you have not organised an inclusive event.

What an arsehole she is. Whether you have physical reasons for not wanting to attend, or just don't want to breathe the same air as her outside of work hours is sod all to do with her.

I no longer attend our work do's at christmas because they are on a friday at 6pm. I don't work fridays and would need to drive. When asked why i wasn't coming I was frank and said "Because it's my day off. I don't want to sit around all day waiting to spend time with people I barely tolerate in the week, to drink pop, eat shit food and then drive home"

The person was agog at my brusque response as no-one dared not go in the past. It's the 3rd year now I've just said no thanks and had no hassle whatsoever.

I'd go for a shitty, brusque remark like mine, or tell her she's a twat and take her to HR.

I wanted to keep the boss out of it if possible, it's the sort of petty shit I would be inwardly rolling my eyes at and thinking "why aren't you sorting this out between yourselves" if I were the manager involved

In that case you'll have to sort it out. Just take colleague to one side and say, quietly but firmly, that you hear she's been complaining about the fact that you aren't going; clearly she has no right to complain; but you are unable to attend due to a recognised disability and her moans have to stop. If she is anything other than totally apologetic, warn her you will have to escalate the issue to management if she doesn't sort it out.

And next year if anything similar is planned, remind all concerned of their equality duties.

If I was you I'd be really annoyed at the company/employer for replacing a normal Christmas night out with a physical activity that is not suitable for everyone's needs. Not everyone can be expected to be able to take part in this sort of thing and it's really unfair that you've been put in that position. Personally I'd be more annoyed about that than I would be with the colleague (although I wouldn't be over the moon about her behaviour either!).

P.S. I can't bear "fun" activities. I'd much rather just go for a relaxed meal/drink where you don't have to do anything other than chat with the people you get along with.

blueheaven Couldn't agree more, 'forced fun' is horrific!

I can't bear "fun" activities. I'd much rather just go for a relaxed meal/drink where you don't have to do anything other than chat with the people you get along with This!

And why do people give a toss whether you go anyway? What is it to them? If everyone else is going, it's not like the event is going to be a flop due to lack of attendance. Very strange attitude.

I'd let it go unless it continues. But it might be worth mentioning to your boss, not in terms of "sorting it out" but saying that a bit of training about invisible (and visible) disabilities may be needed for certain members of the team.

I'd like to say that I'd take her aside quietly and calmly explain that you can't take part in that activity...in reality I respond to that sort of passive aggressive shite with massive sarcasm.

"Yes, it's a shame I can't go! Hopefully next years activity will be something that is accesible to people with mobility issues so I might be able to join you all".

Organised woman is totally out of order with her huffy comments.
But if I were a nice member of your team I’d feel terrible that you didn’t feel able to say honestly that the activity excluded you and felt you had to “laugh it off”. I know you say you don’t mind but it’s not fair and bad practice. I’d encourage you to say to somebody that the activity is not something you can physically participate in and while you don’t mind this year it should be born in mind in future as you might not be the only one in this position.

Go find her. In a not so quiet voice tell her plainly, using any term you know she has used to describe you, e.g.

I am not a 'fun sponge' I am disabled, due for back surgery. Now, will you stop moaning about me or do I have to take this further?

Then walk away, leave her to it!

I also loath fun activities ... cos they are rarely fun. MeL / drinks works much better imho. Yes pin bowling.... shudder....

Being a 'team player' is about how everyone supports each other.

You support them by covering the duties, they support you by being accepting of your concerns, and welcoming to you as an equal team member.

wow. this is exactly why people need to be better trained in disability awareness. To put it in 'HR language': Someone organized a work event that is inaccessible to people with disabilities. An employee is excluded from the event. There is then retaliation against the excluded employee.

This is not only shitty for you, but potentially puts your company in a whole lot of trouble... So if you want to, you could frame it to your boss in a nice, neutral, overly-concerned about legal complications way.

"Hi boss, I wanted to bring something to your attention because I don't want our company to get in trouble. [Bitch-face] organized an event that is not accessible for people with physical disabilities. As you know, I've been having medical issues that make it impossible for me to attend this event. There's no obvious work need for me to disclose my personal health issues with colleagues other than you. But in the future, if it is perceived that [bitchface] is retaliating against me because I can't attend the event, the company could be in trouble. What do you suggest we do about this going forward?"

I would just have quite word with her saying that you are really disappointed to learn from others that she has been making snide comments, and then go on to that no doubt she has already noticed various adjustments for you at work, and karting is not conducive to your health, and you are sure she understands, so perhaps she would like to adjust the comments she has made to date

Then walk away

I'd go to the manager that knows and say something like 'look, I didn't call the company out on disability discrimination when it was announced that the Xmas do would be a non-inclusive activity because I didn't want to be a party-pooper, but I'm now getting bullied for non-attendance, can you see a way out of this that doesn't involve revealing my personal medical information to people that don't need to know?' See what they say, because really, the activity should have been vetoed by management before it even got off the ground.

X-post with EllaEllaE there!

I remembered that the amazing 'Ask A Manager' blog had a similar situation:

"My boss planned team-building activities that I couldn’t fully participate in" www.askamanager.org/2017/12/i-couldnt-participate-in-team-building-coworker-with-an-eating-disorder-and-more.html

And the update: www.askamanager.org/2018/02/update-my-boss-planned-team-building-activities-that-i-couldnt-fully-participate-in.html

Personally I wouldn't joke about, I'd just say I can't attend and leave it at that. If the organising person says anything I would say to her that it's a pity you can't do it but it's a pity she didn't make an effort to be inclusive.

She sounds like a fucking loser if one absentee from something she organised for work is causing her this much "distress"

You should tell your boss, she is bullying you and bullying you based on your health (this probably is classed as a disability).

You sound very strong, but think she may do this to someone else in the future whom it may devastate! She needs to be stopped before she really upsets someone.