To be fed up with Christmas wife work?

[WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl]

DH is an intelligent man who spends only slightly less time with the children than me... And yet every Christmas it's the same. My family and his family all come to me for ideas on what to buy the children.

Already I've supplied his sister with a long list of ideas plus photos of the kids for a calendar that she's making for MIL. DH has access to all my pictures and also takes his own pictures, and yet she automatically came to me for them.

Just had a message from MIL asking for ideas. Apparently she will "get more sense" out of me. Which is frankly insulting to DH because he's a company director with a Phd for crying out loud, he would make perfect sense if she simply bothered to message him first.

And not a single person in my family would ever think to ask DH for ideas. They all come to me. So I have to do the thinking for everyone and it's driving me batty.

Tempted to respond to all of these requests with something along the lines of "well if you bothered to make an effort during the rest of the year to actually get to know the kids then maybe you'd be able to think of something yourself."

But I won't. I'll just carry on inwardly tutting instead and ranting on Mumsnet.

YANBU this drives me insane.

Company director with a PHD will never trump having a vagina.

The other day DP said, "If my mum asks what I want for Christmas..."

Tell her yourself, Donut Man.

Just say no. Politely. Be firm. Don’t back down.

Bounce it back to them & then JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.

I’d just respond with a text saying please text dh.

That’s what l do. Works a treat!

“DH your mother/sister/aunt wants photos of the DC/a wish list for the DC/information about the DC.”

Same here. Except I’ve not only been asked for ideas but then they’ve asked me to order it and they’ll just give me the money. One relative asked me to buy something and wrap it with no interest whatsoever on what they were buying the DC. Defeats the purpose IMO but to save an argument I did as I was asked like a fool.

My parents come to me, DH's parents go to him. It wouldn't occur to either set to think of either of us as the default parent, they just contact their own DC. But this is facilitated by DH who makes us much effort to think about presents and to contact them too.

Same as he takes responsibility for all the present ideas for his own side of the family. If your PIL are only contacting you then DH also has a responsibility here to be more proactive himself.

Christmas and birthday presents are really unevenly balanced anyway. My family only do charity gifts for adults for Xmas and only my mum likes birthday presents so he has a lot more people tho think about anyway. I do get involved in that he can bounce ideas off me but I'm shit at coming up with ideas so it's mostly all on him.

But I won't. I'll just carry on inwardly tutting instead and ranting on Mumsnet.

That’s your choice so own it. Alternatively you could start directing his family members to him. Which would make your life easier. More productive than ranting.

“Why are you asking me?” Does wonders....

They'll stop asking if you stop answering. Put the work in now and reap the rewards next year.

Sounds like they've got used to you being the font of Christmas present ideas and you have accepted that role so are now 'stuck' with it. Only you're not. Not sure how old your children are but can they not produce their own 'wish lists' to be distributed to family and make your DH administrator from now on if they can't pass it on direct or post it online. Perhaps a WhatsApp group for gift idea?

When his family ask I would bat it back to him. Then you answer requests from just yours. Simples.

If you can't successfully bat it back for him to sort then you are the one with the problem. You need to learn to do this otherwise you'll always be asked.

You are enabling them. I always say to MIL to contact her son herself “you will need to ask him” or “I don’t know”.

My family don’t do this but dh’s family always call or email me about anniversary dates, Christmas cards etc. I always direct them back to their son/nephew and tell them he deals with his side I deal with mine because we both work and we both have equal commitments so share the load this is not my job.

My parents and MIL all do it and get positively bolshie with me when I'm stumped for ideas for DH.
I have used it to my advantage when DD wanted expensive things - I just passed those ideas straight over to grandparents, who to be fair, did stump up for them.

I hear you.
Christmas is a huge mid winter trial for a lot of women.

However, I do believe we can reduce it if we want to.

Anyone asking me about gifts I have always given the same response to " you can't go wrong with a voucher". End of.

I don't give it any thought.

I accept that I have enough to do and I am NOT taking on anyone else's Christmas shopping.

If they can't think of anything, a voucher is the alternative.

My children do get quite a few vouchers which are extremely useful.

My husband is very good but I can honestly say he has fxxx all idea of the work that is involved with Christmas.

I have scaled back every year in what I do, so that it now is very manageable and is 90% done by now.

Best thing ever is to pick bits up during the year and you would be amazed at how much you can pick up in the first 10 months of the year.

Ok Mumsnet, thank you, you are right, I need to take control.

I've responded with "I'm out at the moment, but DH has some ideas so you could text him instead."

I came to the conclusion a long time ago OP that people will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

You have a voice, use it.

YABU. You have lots of people asking for gift ideas for your family to ensure they will receive something they like and you’re complaining.

YANBU. I have so had my mum ask what DH, the children and I want for Christmas. My dad has asked me what DH, the children and I want for Christmas. MIL and PIL have asked what DH, the children and I want for Christmas. My grandma has asked me what DH, the children and I want for Christmas. SIL has asked me what DH, the children and I want for Christmas. My aunt has asked me what DH, the children and I want for Christmas.
Ask them your fucking selves!!!

billy1966
Anyone asking me about gifts I have always given the same response to " you can't go wrong with a voucher". End of.
I accept that I have enough to do and I am NOT taking on anyone else's Christmas shopping.

If they can't think of anything, a voucher is the alternative.

THIS!

Thurmanmurman but why are they asking the OP? Why don’t they ask her DH what he would like? Or ask her DH what the OP would like? Why does every single request go through her?

Oh and as the PIL’s live abroad, they then say to me ‘I’ve sent everyone’s presents to your house, can you wrap them for me?’.

You have lots of people asking for gift ideas for your family to ensure they will receive something they like and you’re complaining

Well yes. Apparently being the owner of a vagina makes OP the only one in the household capable of Christmas prep.

Good text OP. Please tell me your DH won't text you for assistance?

I think you need to decide what you are happy with and go for that. I have a list of what the kids might want and I'll send people bits from it but once that list is exhausted any requests are met with he'll be happy with anything. Or some clothes would be great xxx. As for dh I say oh I'll ask him to send on his list.

I used to get annoyed at db leaving everything to me until I sat down and realised sometimes I wanted his money to increase the budget for dm and df, so it actually suited me. But then I'd be annoyed at him for not helping me in October and complying with my deadlines. So I was the actual root of the problem.