To be fed up with Christmas wife work?

[WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl]

DH is an intelligent man who spends only slightly less time with the children than me... And yet every Christmas it's the same. My family and his family all come to me for ideas on what to buy the children.

Already I've supplied his sister with a long list of ideas plus photos of the kids for a calendar that she's making for MIL. DH has access to all my pictures and also takes his own pictures, and yet she automatically came to me for them.

Just had a message from MIL asking for ideas. Apparently she will "get more sense" out of me. Which is frankly insulting to DH because he's a company director with a Phd for crying out loud, he would make perfect sense if she simply bothered to message him first.

And not a single person in my family would ever think to ask DH for ideas. They all come to me. So I have to do the thinking for everyone and it's driving me batty.

Tempted to respond to all of these requests with something along the lines of "well if you bothered to make an effort during the rest of the year to actually get to know the kids then maybe you'd be able to think of something yourself."

But I won't. I'll just carry on inwardly tutting instead and ranting on Mumsnet.

He manages a director level job at an international bank so he’s efficient enough to manage answering questions on who wants what for Christmas.

What Elbeagle said (far more efficiently than me!)

DH is completely and utterly useless at any kind of forward planning so you can imagine how bad he is at Christmas.

BUT....

I completely and totally forgive him because he has a major super power:

I can send him out with a list of people we need emergency gifts for and he will successfully buy them, in one morning, within budget. He works well under pressure.

Also, in the days immediately leading up to Christmas he takes over and sorts all general tidying, space-making (for family/friends/parties) etc and will spend hours doing all wrapping/ christmas decorations etc without being asked. He also gets super proactive and ensures I have the space/time etc to do the christmas stuff while he gets on with the normal stuff.

So overall, it feels like the workload is split, he just does ALL his share in the days immediately around Christmas.

well if you bothered to make an effort during the rest of the year to actually get to know the kids then maybe you'd be able to think of something yourself

I think that’s unfair. It’s difficult to know what they already have & impossible to know what you have already decided you’re buying for them. I’d rather not either waste money on presents children don’t really want/already have or receive presents for the children that they have/wouldn’t play with.

Buying presents is an expensive business, that can go wrong. You need to have different ideas than your own, try and ensure you dont double up, and make sure they're age compatable. I think it's great they talk to you, they are getting feed back on who is buying what, as well as suitable insight into what the DC and DH want. Some woman have no idea, and some men have no idea how to pull off the perfect present. I think it's great how you all bounce idea's about, pity more people dont do that much deliberation and end up with a present that goes on e-bay a week later. Merry Xmas

My DP gets really annoyed with this in his family, as they are his family but come through me for all meet ups/visits/present ideas etc... I tried to redirect them but it didn't work so just setup group chats in WhatsApp for each branch of the family and letting DP respond each time

Drives me nuts.

DH and I split this, I handle requests from my family and he does his. He is also supposed to sort presents for his family and I do mine. This often results in angry messages from inlaws to me when he doesn't remember in time - but I just forward them to him to deal with....

Make your boundaries clear and stick to them :)

YANBU....My DM contacts me on behalf of my 25 year old brother who still lives at home and lives like a child.

Seriously...he doesn't know how to turn the washing machine on.

She needs to get the presents sorted for his nieces and nephews obvs even though he is very intelligent, manages to hold down a decent job, has plenty of time to ask us himself. I said to my sister I couldn't believe how pathetic it is and she said "yeh but men are useless at this kinda stuff" ahhhhhh!! SAYS FUCKING WHO. I feel like my whole family are from the 19 shitting 50s.

Gives me the rage.

YANBU - respond to every single enquiry with "DH is in charge of Christmas this year"

My dh messaged my mil with present suggestions for Ds. I then got a message from mil saying 'I've ordered that item YOU wanted for ds' then got really nowty when I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. She refused to believe her son (who also has a PhD) was capable of choosing/ suggesting/organising a toy for his own ds! This is partly because she refuses to believe that her own ds would go against her own preference of as much cheap plastic as you can fit under a tree and instead choose one economical item... he doesn't have enough of a mind of his own to choose a different lifestyle to the one he was brought up in obviously, so the suggestion must have come from me! Apparently it doesn't occur to her that a married couple may share the same ethos, instead she thinks I'm manipulating her son to get my way! 🙄

*I came to the conclusion a long time ago OP that people will treat you exactly how you allow them to.

You have a voice, use it.*

Wise words.

I have also been called "lazy" before by a relative because they overheard a conversation between DH and I about his nieces birthday. He mentioned he was just going shopping to get the present sorted etc and they were shocked that I hadn't done it yet.

Said relative is a cool wife and does 99% of childcare singlehandedly whilst her DH goes cycling both days, every weekend on top of mid week training and on the piss at least once a week. Silly me for allowing poor DH to be a responsible adult doing his fair share.

Well OP you asked if you were being unreasonable and I think you are by being bothered by this. If it’s that annoying for you just ask your DH to go back to the requests.

Oh God, I know this one!
Not only do I have to give everyone else ideas for dh and the kids (mil and sil have even in the past nicked "my" ideas for my gift to dh), but I also have to give them a list of what I want. Db sends money to my account and tells asks me to get the kids something and wrap it and write the fucking label too. Zero effort on his part, but woe betide us if we put such little thought into dsil's gift.

Wife work' hmm

Family members asking what you think your DC's might like for Christmas?

If not up to responding, explain you are not capable of doing so.

I have read it all now.

∆∆ this.

Wife work hardly. They're asking to give your kids something nice. Would you prefer they buy them crap. You're their mum.

My MIL will still ask me when we visit if I want her to pick ME up some boxers/ socks/ shirts for my husband as she's going to M&S. I tell her every single time that he buys his own clothes and doesn't need his wife or mum to pick him up some socks. She doesn't get it though. My in-laws still mention the time they came to visit and one of the children were poorly and he took a carers leave day- what a hero for looking after his own children

The idea of Christmas and birthdays and so on being wife work is so deeply entrenched. I am a lifelong feminist but even so, when my husband bought and sent my mum a present the first year we were married without asking me what she wanted, I was shocked. Literally couldn't believe it.

My dad has never bought a thing for anyone except my mum. I don't even think he knows when my birthday is.

Incan see where you're coming from and I get really irritated when I give suggestions to people and they get ignored but..

I love present buying, I'm happy to choose gifts for my in laws and nephews and nieces. I dont really consider it work and enjoy making the effort

Wife work hardly. They're asking to give your kids something nice

So why don’t they ask the kids father?

when my husband bought and sent my mum a present the first year we were married without asking me what she wanted, I was shocked. Literally couldn't believe it.

That is quite weird though. Why would anyone buy their partner's parent a present just from them with no discussion? If DH did that for my mum it would be really weird. If I did that for his mum it would be really weird.

YANBU

I feel the same about Xmas and refuse to do any buying or wrapping for his side of the family. This is often met with obvious shock when I mention it to anyone in RL. It baffles me. He's capable of shopping. He's capable of wrapping. But as he has a penis it's viewed I should do all Xmas wife work and he should just sit on his arse doing nothing but look manly. It's insulting to both of us.

What winds me up is when I ask my dad if he has any ideas for what to get mum for her birthday, then he just asks mum straight out to text me a list of what she wants.
That wasn't what I was asking!

Do you consider the same amount of organising to be normal if a woman does it but somehow super efficient if a man does it?

No, of course not. I've met quite a few inefficient women at Christmas time too. I meant super efficient at present buying in particular, I hear of a lot of woman complaining about their partners gift buying skills.

I'm not saying my husband isn't efficient, he would get the job done the best he could but when it's comes to organising and coming up with what to buy my DD for Christmas, that's a task we would both prefer I took control of. Plus I would dread to think what he'd buy and not because he doesn't know/care.

My dad spent little time at home, he wouldn't have a clue what to get my siblings and I, I think he had zero input on anything we ever received - my mum always did the present buying. Although my dad prepped and cooked all the Christmas dinner. They both played to their own strengths I guess.

Well DH is as efficient as present buying as I am. I don’t have any special present buying skills:

I don't respond to the requests. It makes it imo completely pointless. we may as well choose an amount and spend it ourselves.

Bonkers.