To be fed up with Christmas wife work?

[WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl]

DH is an intelligent man who spends only slightly less time with the children than me... And yet every Christmas it's the same. My family and his family all come to me for ideas on what to buy the children.

Already I've supplied his sister with a long list of ideas plus photos of the kids for a calendar that she's making for MIL. DH has access to all my pictures and also takes his own pictures, and yet she automatically came to me for them.

Just had a message from MIL asking for ideas. Apparently she will "get more sense" out of me. Which is frankly insulting to DH because he's a company director with a Phd for crying out loud, he would make perfect sense if she simply bothered to message him first.

And not a single person in my family would ever think to ask DH for ideas. They all come to me. So I have to do the thinking for everyone and it's driving me batty.

Tempted to respond to all of these requests with something along the lines of "well if you bothered to make an effort during the rest of the year to actually get to know the kids then maybe you'd be able to think of something yourself."

But I won't. I'll just carry on inwardly tutting instead and ranting on Mumsnet.

Forward the texts to your partner and get him to reply from his phone.

I’ve been ignoring my MILs Christmas emails for weeks. I’m wondering how close to Christmas she’ll let it get before she gives up and emails DH instead.

Text back, "DH has some ideas" and leave them to it.

Then try and scale back a bit.

You only become a Christmas martyr if you allow it and of course it's not fair that traditionally wives get lumbered with most of the donkey work. If it was left to many men they'd hang on until Christmas Eve to move their arses and there would just be crap left in the shops.

Oh god, I have this too .
And birthdays .. it’s fucking draining .

YABU, the family want to buy your kids presents. Simply tell them what the kids are into. That is hardly work. You sound entitled!

That is hardly work

Then her husband can manage it can’t he.

There is nothing “entitled” about the OP, do you know what the word means?

I LOVE Christmas, and all the prep around it. I would never want to lose out on things that my husband has no interest in in the interest of sharing the load. Planning out my baking, all the Christmas get togethers, the presents I'll buy etc - DH tried to buy cards the other week, and I stopped him (cause they were really ugly).

But it hasn't meant I've adopted any of DH's Christmas admin. He does his cards, he does his family gifts, and when it comes to sorting out all the food, hosting and arrangements, the split is 50:50.

Thurmanmurman & Organicmamahope kind of missing the point there. Of course it's nice that they want to give the kids something... But DH is just as capable as I am of doing the thinking behind it. They are coming to me because I'm a woman.

Just tell them to ask DH whenever they ask you. It's not that hard.

I told OH to write a birthday card for granddaughter at the weekend, it was short and succinct, Happy Birthday, Grandma and Grandad x .
When he's writing a couple of cards at Christmas he asks What shall I write? I told him last year Happy Hannukah and he almost wrote it. This year he's decided that he'll do the envelopes, I'll do the words, the problem he'll find is that he doesn't know how to print the labels he expects to simplify the job. It's great fun watching him squirm!

That is hardly work

So surely the husband can do it?

Hmmm is it too much to just send her a few ideas? Think you’re getting yourself into a pickle for no reason meanwhile the anti MIL brigade on here are dousing the flames with petrol. Be honoured you’re seen as the helpful one, maybe she’d get a prickly response from the phd director, maybe she’s just being kind to you offering you a chance for a dialogue?

Yup. DH emailed my SIL, asking for ideas for their DC (she always oversees their presents, not DB - their choice). SIL replied - but to me, not cc-ing DH Obviously, as the owner of a penis, DH could not be entrusted with buying anything.

This is quite sad to read as all my family know what DD loves and is into despite us barely seeing some of them in the flesh year to year. And no YANBU. The whole wife work thing is so deeply entrenched it's hideous.

My MIL brought ME a calendar with all of their family birthdays, anniversaries etc... on it for a Christmas present several years ago. Like I was taking over that role on behalf of her son.
We’re pretty much NC now thank god.

Did you send MIL the list or just your SIL.

Next year you and DH can make a list together and send the list out to his whole family.

I just tell dh ‘oh your mum wants to know x’ and if they come back to me I say oh dh was replying, hasn’t he yet? You might need to remind him.
What I object to is dh suggestion we allocate various presents for the dc I’ve bought as from his mum and dad and from his siblings etc. Well then we aren’t guving them anything great and I put a lot of effort into those presents so I’m not bloody thanking your brother for them, it’s not like you lift s finger for it or acknowledge the effort. (All I want is acknowledgement mostly from him not his fairly average present buying input, I put a lot of effort into choosing fore the dc)

My DH family ask him, who then asks me anyway, partly to double check I've not already bought it or suggested it to my family member to get.
Is everyone else's husbands super efficient? Leaving the Christmas organisation to my DH wouldn't be worth the stress.

Wowee... I've never once considered asking SIL what my niece and nephew would like rather than just asking my brother. I ask my brother every time! It's not that hard.

My family do a christmas list on google drive at xmas, it's a shared excel file with a column for each family member right down to the youngest, my 3 year old. Each person then writes in the file their wish list - those with kids too small to do it for themselves write in for their kids. Then everyone has a wish list to work from if they want, and everyone tends to end up with what they wanted/needed. it's great! I'd suggest this for your family too OP.

'Wife work'

Family members asking what you think your DC's might like for Christmas?

If not up to responding, explain you are not capable of doing so.

I have read it all now.

Is everyone else's husbands super efficient?

He’s equally as efficient as I am.

YES! Xmas seems to just happen miraculously for the males in this family. No wonder they love Xmas, no prep, presents bought in your name, meal magically arrives, no cleaning up of tables. They literally sit there while the wimmin do all the work. Tell me why people actually like this time of year ? For me Xmas is something to survive annually

Is everyone else's husbands super efficient
Depends on your understanding of that. Christmas planning requires some efficiency but not super efficiency. Do you consider the same amount of organising to be normal if a woman does it but somehow super efficient if a man does it?

DH does about 70% of our Christmas planning I would say. I don't think that makes him super efficient, just a normal amount of involved

Also not married & no kids, but it’s all the wives who prep & females who do all the work on the day

YANBU. This infuriates me. I mean, it's not clear to me why they can't think of a single bloody gift themselves, plus, when I DO make suggestions, they're either ignored or done ridiculously - I suggested a Barbie once. SIL who always lands up having to choose, buy and wrap all presents from PIL (and I'm not certain she EVER gets paid back), obviously just lost the will to live and DD got about 5 barbies from her/MIL/PIL.

(incidentally - DH is never asked to get presents for SIL's DC..... She must buy all presents for her own DC and for our DC from her parents because they life far away. It's ridiculous).

I also get annoyed when the suggestions are not to their liking and I get told off.