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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to dh taking one child

255 replies

Pikehau · 24/11/2019 23:00

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Pickard · 26/11/2019 13:00

What I mean is my child laughs when I'm angry, she knows a I'm angry but doesn't care, I'm jo. "allowing" her to think its funny, I am trying to shock her and do the whole telling off thing.

Pickard · 26/11/2019 13:03

Just saying"stern voice" does not work for all children

Mjlp · 26/11/2019 13:14

@Pickard

Just saying"stern voice" does not work for all children

I have 5 children. I've been a teacher for 20 years. It does work, if you do it right. Which you're clearly not as your child laughs. Just because you're not capable of getting your child to do as you ask, it doesn't mean nobody else is Hmm

Pickard · 26/11/2019 13:26

OK, I bow down to your superiority, you must enjoy feeling so smug up there. Wish you'd had me as a kid, if you think a "stern voice" would have done anything to curb my behaviour Hmm

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 26/11/2019 13:36

I agree that a child soon learns that a certain parental/adult tone is important and means business and which ones can be ignored but I also think that not every parent/person has this knack. I could do it quite easily with my DC and to my amazement it also worked on random children when I was a parent helper on school trips and later still, when I worked in a secondary school. My DH OTOH never had this tone. DC did what he told them because they were good kids but he didn’t have ‘that’ voice that could stop them in their tracks when required.

Acciocats · 26/11/2019 13:43

This is all going a bit off topic with stern voices and whether or not individuals are able to get their own children or others to instantly obey.

The only relevant point here is that the OP is being a massive hypocrite because she’s endangering everyone in her car plus pedestrians and other road users on a daily basis by persisting in driving around while distracted by her kid who gets out of his safety restraints. She hasn’t been able to find an effective way of stopping this behaviour so she needs to change hers. That might mean walking to nursery/ leaving kid with a babysitter while she drives the other kids/ removing treats/ buying a different car seat/ buying special restraints.

She’s massively unreasonable in telling her dh he can’t drive with the kid when she’s done what probably amounts to hours of time and hundreds of miles with him

Pickard · 26/11/2019 14:02

Apologies

meyouandlulutoo · 26/11/2019 14:23

One of my children was an Houdini as a toddler, even when she was in the buggy I used to dread having to slow down because within a blink of an eye she would be unclipped out of the chair and running off. Car rides were excruciating as she hated being in the car seat. She would also divest herself of coats, hats, gloves when outside even in the worst of weather. She was a real challenge to take out! Luckily she grew out of the behaviour and was ok by the time she was 3, in fact she grew up to be a very zany, and kind girl.

You have said you know you have to sort out the car seat issue so I won't lump in with the obvious advice!

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2019 21:13

@Pikehau are you coming back

I want to know what car seat you have ? That a 2yr can escape

Brandaris · 26/11/2019 21:58

The just tell them no brigade is really pretty funny.

If only all parents were as perfect as they are then there would be no problems with tantrums, no terrible twos, no threenagers... after all, you just have to say no! But in the real world they’ve probably been exceptionally lucky with their children and have no imagination to think that maybe others are different, and have no compassion or emotional intelligence to think maybe telling the struggling parent they just need to say no more firmly is both unhelpful and unkind.

Poppinjay · 26/11/2019 22:15

OP, you are not infantilising your DH. In fact that's what he is doing to you.

Your concern isn't that he wouldn't manage the situation safely; it's that nobody could without another adult on a 3 hour motorway journey.

He has no right to shut you down when you have legitimate safety concerns which could clearly affect your whole family.

I think you need to either keep the 2YO at home with you or travel together in January.

Your DH being pissed off doesn't trump your family being safe on a motorway.

Armadilloboss · 26/11/2019 22:44

I completely get why you have been concerned, but the approach of it with DH has been awful and I completely get his annoyance. My Dh would be very annoyed if I told him he couldn’t take our child out also. I would have just told him I had concerns about the length of journey with the child’s behaviour whilst in the car and let it be a joint decision. Either find a solution or leave the child behind. I would not tell my DH he couldn’t take our child somewhere

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/11/2019 22:56

I get why youre concerned op. Car safety is v important.

I think instead of telling your husband no, though it would solve the immediate problem, isnt the right way to go about this.

Why is your child getting away with this?

Ds is only a bit older but knows he has to wear a seatbelt. Its non negotiable. Same as he knows we hold hands crossing roads etc. Do you discipline your toddler when he does it? Because i dont understand if you do, why he still finds it funny?

There needs to be strict consequences. Hes endangering his own life!

I would also be looking for a different car seat or further devices to stop him getting out but the real issue is that he thinks its funny. You and dh need to be on the same page with getting him to stop.

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/11/2019 22:59

I also agree that kids do quickly pick up on the "i mean it" tone. I most certainly have it. It isnt shouting either. In fact i can give my own child a certain look and he knows he must stop whatever it is hes doing.

I also agree that not everyone can or does do it.

saraclara · 26/11/2019 23:10

Yep. It's really easy to turn round and give that look while you're doing 80mph on the M1.

sawyersfishbiscuits · 26/11/2019 23:11

YADNBU

I also had a little Houdini! We ended up buying 3 different high chairs and 2 different car seats. Ended up with the Mamas and Papas Pallas. It's absolutely awful when they climb out, DD used to think it was brilliant! But so dangerous... keeping your children and DH safe is of course your priority, regardless of your DH's feelings. He should understand that.

I honestly can't believe some of the posts on here!

Try and borrow/buy a different car seat. And FFS your child is only 2, surely it will make life so much easier for your DH!

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 26/11/2019 23:22

Dementia moves quickly. He wants to make the most of it while he can. Your fears need to be addressed by some super nanny tactics. Regular stops, incentives for staying buckled when moving. Pop over to you tube for some good methods.

DemelzaandRoss · 26/11/2019 23:24

I wouldn’t be taking the 2.5 yr old anywhere in the car whilst they are unclipping themselves. For everyone’s sanity get the seat sorted with the extra safety items as suggested. Finding it difficult to understand why you would take this risk, even on a short trip.
Your parenting is entirely your own business. However, allowing a 2 yr old to be in charge may not bode well for the future.
Regarding your DH, cannot take on board why on earth he would wish to make this trip on his own with 3 DC including the toddler. In all probability he will only do it once. Once the clip problem has been sorted, look forward to a child free weekend, safe in the knowledge that he will be traumatised on his return.

Embracelife · 26/11/2019 23:28

Get a crelling harness or something for the child
You can kill someone doing 30 or 20

StepIntoMyParlour · 27/11/2019 00:31

My Dsis had the same problem with DN, she ended up turning all the straps round so the release button was between the buckle and DN. Might be worth a try.

Preggosaurus9 · 27/11/2019 04:10

The oldest child is old enough to clip the youngest back in? Or have I missed something?

Acciocats · 27/11/2019 07:30

’He has no right to shut you down when you have legitimate safety concerns which could clearly affect your whole family.‘

But she doesn’t give a shit about her own endangering of the family and others on a daily basis? Hmm

Terrible consequences can happen at 20 or 30 mph when a driver is not giving their full attention. Even with perfect driving you need to account for other drivers. If someone shunts into your rear end in busy traffic a few seconds after the kid has undone their safety harness the result could be really horrific.

But I expect the OP doesn’t want to acknowledge that because it doesn’t suit her narrative

LolaSmiles · 27/11/2019 07:58

Acciocats
Spot on.
How it's somehow acceptable and reasonable for the OP to drive around with a child escaping from a car seat is beyond me.
Ok, so I know the child escapes from the car seat and has done for some time, but now you want to a journey on a motorway suddenly the issue of an escaping child is a big enough reason to block your trip, whilst still not doing anything about the unsafe situation that I create regularly because that doesn't count

Going on a motorway with a child who unclips their seat is dangerous and shouldn't happen, but it shouldn't be happening routinely on short driver either. The solution is a new car seat, not parental hypocrisy.

Poppinjay · 27/11/2019 08:32

But she doesn’t give a shit about her own endangering of the family and others on a daily basis?

You can pull over easily on a short journey to put him back in. It's much easier to manage the situation safely. On a motorway you'd have to let the child climb around the car until the next junction or stop on the hard shoulder, both of which are suicidal.

Whatever happens on other journeys, nobody should be taking this child on a motorway at the moment without an adult sitting next to him to keep everyone safe.

Acciocats · 27/11/2019 08:42

Bollocks poppinjay. You can’t always pull over safely at any given point in a journey. And even if you could, it doesn’t allow for other drivers eg: rear shunt while you’re in traffic.

The OP clearly doesn’t give a shit about the dangers she’s allowing

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