To say no to dh taking one child

[Pikehau]

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

“Or just tell your child, "No! Dangerous!" in a very serious, firm tone.“

Are you being serious?! Oh gosh thank you, if only we had tried telling dd it was dangerous. 🙄

Can you not imagine that a firm voice might not always work with a toddler? You must be very lucky if your toddlers are always so biddable.

Don’t you dare try to tell me I wasn’t firm enough, I have a headteacher voice that has made grown women pause, but a toddler hell bent on escaping won’t always listen!

Most car accidents happen within 5 minutes drive from home, so YABU driving at all if your child can't stay safely in the car seat. I understand your concern about motorway driving. Have you tried one of these? www.amazon.co.uk/obqo-Packs-Safety-Harness-Buckle/dp/B07JQ26HBV/ref=sr_1_4?keywords=car+seat+clip&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1574672716&sr=8-4

I had them for my DS2 as he could get out of the straps. I had a mum friend 'tell me off' for having them, saying they weren't crash tested etc. I pointed out that a child out of his car seat wasn't crash tested either, but I knew which option I preferred.

If it's unsafe to drive 5mins with child why are you risking everyone around you life when you could just bloody walk!!!

Honestly this is one of the only instances where I'd just smack and be done. I think the tirade of emotional abuse that comes from parents screaming at their kids is worse. It's the only time we've smacked any of ours and it was a one time thing that worked. It kept everyone safe.

I genuinely don't understand how a 2yo undoes a car seat. The buckles are so hard! If it's easy to undo, get a better car seat.

YABU the car seat issue needs sorting.

I've not yet rt whole ft but if your husband thinks it's a good idea to drive for 3 hours on a motorway with a child who can undo his seat belt, then he's a twat who needs overruling, frankly.
That situation is a threat to the safety of your whole family and every other person on the roads at the same time.
Sulking and doing the whole cold shoulder thing is childish - if he's being infantilized then it's his own fault for behaving like a child!

I would never stop on the hard shoulder in my car. It is a ridiculously dangerous course of action to suggest to the OP.

Even before smart motorways many people were dying every year because they were stationary on the hard shoulder due to a breakdown or whatever and a dozy driver seeing a car to their left assumes that is the inside lane and realises far too late that the car isn’t moving.

If you do have to stop on the hard shoulder you need to get out of the car immediately.

Even though DD has stopped using the pushchair for walks I keep it in the car just in case we breakdown so that she would have somewhere a bit sheltered and contained to sit outside the car.

We use the M1 a lot. I now choose to join the motorway 3 junctions further north to cut out the most recent section of ‘smart’ motorway. Never has something titled ‘smart’ been something so utterly stupid.

Honestly this is one of the only instances where I'd just smack and be done. I think the tirade of emotional abuse that comes from parents screaming at their kids is worse. It's the only time we've smacked any of ours and it was a one time thing that worked. It kept everyone safe.

I'm not a parent yet but I agree for things like this. I know it is easy for me to say at this point (still pregnant!) but I think too many parents are frightened of giving their child a good telling off. When I was young,my parents probably smacked me twice that I remember but a good telling off would include a loud voice, grabbing us by the arm of collar, face in ours and pointing in our face. Angry, angry voice. It wasn't pleasant but it drew a clear line.

Today 09:13 Aderyn19

’I've not yet rt whole ft but if your husband thinks it's a good idea to drive for 3 hours on a motorway with a child who can undo his seat belt, then he's a twat who needs overruling, frankly.’

Yes @Aderyn19 it’s pretty damn obvious you haven’t read the thread. The dh hasn’t actually done this journey yet. Whereas the OP had been driving around for weeks on a daily basis, by her own admission being distracted and not able to give her full attention to the road and pedestrians because her child constantly gets out of his car seat and her way of dealing with it is ineffectual.

I think we can see who’s the twat here.
If I was the dh I’d be fucking furious that my wife was endangering our children not to mention other road users and pedestrians on a daily basis

Has your DH driven with DS in the car recently? Perhaps he doesn't try to get out when DH is in charge.

Some of the suggestions on here on how to cover the clip/prevent the toddler getting near the clip are downright dangerous. If you are in an accident you or the emergency services need to be able to release the clip immediately.
Obviously it is also dangerous that the child is undoing the clip, and that needs to be sorted immediately, but by methods approved by the emergency services.

Even without the issue of the Houdini toddler I would be questioning whether the journey with all 3 children is a good idea anyway. How healthy is the grandma? When my Nan was in her 90s she could tolerate a short time with DS when he was a toddler (and he was more a quiet (lazy) rather than a rampaging round the house sort of toddler) but did get tired after a while (and she didn’t have dementia). Maybe it would be better if DH only took the older one, or took it in turns to take them.

Acciocats The OP pulls over when her child does this and isn't driving in places where she can't do that. The DH is planning to drive on the motorway - what is he going to do when the child unbuckles the seat belt and is bouncing about in the back? Not having done it yet, is totally irrelevant if he is intending to do it.

Your being unfair to your dh. I would probably leave my husband if he told me that I couldn’t take my toddler away with me due to this reason. However the car seat issue would have been addressed ASAP as NEITHER of you can keep your child safe in the car whilst they are able to unclick the seatbelt so it’s time for a new car seat they can’t get out off.

I would tell him that if he can get the 2 y o to stay put then they can go. 1) get him to drive the 3 of them around on his own loads before then so he understands the problem and gets used to having to stop 2) both of you work together to stop the car every single time this happens and do a time out. I bet the issue is solved by January if you work as a team

Today 09:31 Aderyn19

Acciocats The OP pulls over when her child does this’

Oh well that’s fine then. No problem. Never mind that peak times such as the busy nursery run is when high numbers of shunts, heavy braking, collision can happen. Never mind that this is the peak time for parents with prams and toddlers on the pavements. Never mind that it isn’t safe to just immediately pull to the side of the road and stop. Never mind that the OP admits she is distracted and can’t give her full attention to driving.

Dear god, I sincerely hope whoever made that comment doesn’t get behind a wheel

I drive 5 mins to nursery not on a motorway for 3 hours.

I am pretty certain you could solve this with a bit of effort and planning. 5 minute drive is a 30-40 minute walk. So get everyone out early and walk to nursery or walk him home after nursery. You could even ask if you can park your car there overnight.
Tell him you can't drive because he won't sit in his seat properly.

When my Nan was in her 90s she could tolerate a short time with DS when he was a toddler (and he was more a quiet (lazy) rather than a rampaging round the house sort of toddler) but did get tired after a while (and she didn’t have dementia). Maybe it would be better if DH only took the older one, or took it in turns to take them

Well yes, but maybe that's for the DH to decide - as it is his grandma - rather than being infantilised by the OP?

You are assuming a lot about the OP's nursery run Acciocats, and her ability to judge appropriate places to stop.
I still think that driving on normal roads, with low speed limits and pulling over when the child unbuckles is safer than taking them on a motorway, where there is no option to stop. I wouldn't fancy being around the DH when he is doing 70mph and gets distracted by his toddler.
What the OP is doing isn't ideal but she is trying to find solutions.

Aaandbreathe - precisely.

No doubt the OP will now invent loads of reasons why she can’t possibly walk, all of which are clearly far more important to her than the safety of her own and other people’s children.

This thread takes the biscuit for mind blowing hypocrisy.

If it’s not safe, it’s not safe. End of.

I don't know if anyone's mentioned it yet, but have you seen the bolster-style seats from Cybex? A bit like a fairground ride bolster, it holds them in, and is secured with the adult seatbelt that they wouldn't be able to reach.

Worked for my wriggler (and looked way more comfortable to sleep in too)

I think the whole trip sounds unnecessary especially with a marauding toddler

What car seat is he currently in? My 31/2 year old still can’t undo hers and I struggle to to get them clipped in and undone. Can you try some other seats to test whether he can undo them?

I've been driving for more than forty years and do about 12 hours of motorway driving every month, very comfortably. But the new smart motorways have nowhere to stop. It's madness. My Australian relatives couldn't believe what they were seeing when they came on their last visit and are travelling around.

Anyway OP, go to your nearest car seat safety centre and explain the problem. I taught kids with severe learning difficulties who were a nightmare for their parents and could find their way out of all sorts of seats. But there are answers out there, and all the parents ended up with clips or extra straps that sorted it.

Can you put child in a shirt with the ends of the sleeves sewn up so he can't use his fingers with an additional pair of thick socks underneath?

@Brandaris

Oh I dare 😂

I've got 5 children ranging from 2 to 16 who all do as I ask. They all know when "No!" really means no. I've also been a qualified teacher for the past 20 years. I've done two teaching courses - EYSF & Primary, and Secondary. I've taught 3 to 18 year olds and I've never had any behaviour management problems with any of them either. Just because you can't control a toddler, it doesn't mean other people can't