Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to dh taking one child

255 replies

Pikehau · 24/11/2019 23:00

My DH wants to take the three children away next weekend to see his grandmother who is 90 and has dementia. Children are 2.5,5,7.5.

I initially agreed as I couldn't go due to prior commitments I had in for 2 months. And no I dont want to change. Eg he is not changing a night out in 2 weeks.

Anyway 2.5 year old can get out of Houdini clip and car buckle. And want to climb into front seat.

I stop repeatedly on residential roads on way to nursery and back. Last weekend I took them all to a local party and it was really distracting even driving in a 20 zone and pulling over.

I am now so worried about the 3.5hr trip on motorway with only dh driving and other 2 children in the car.

I said tonight no cant take ds just the other 2. I cant trust ds in the car. Now I am sobbing as DH is giving me the could shoulder clearly annoyed and all I can think of is how by sticking up for the safety of my children I feel like I am in the wrong.

I know I am not. I feel sick at the thought. But maybe I am being unreasonable but I cant get past it.

Dont understand why he cant go in Jan when we have a free weekend and I can sit in back with ds.

I also dont understand why DH just cant talk about things. He just shuts down every conversation like this. I do wonder if one day it will all bubble up. Another issue and off topic. But because of this reaction it took a lot for me to say that to him but I cant trust our son in the car so have to say it. Am I really so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 25/11/2019 10:12

I think YABU here.

It's a long journey so can your DH give your 2.5 year old his phone or a tablet to watch? That should help him stay distracted for a while, and in the car for that long I imagine he will fall asleep at some point as well.

Also, I'm guessing your older kids will be in the back with him - have the 7.5 year old sitting next to him to keep an eye and make sure he stays strapped in.

Bibidy · 25/11/2019 10:12

PS. Your DS may do this as he knows it makes you stop the car and pay attention to him. He may not do it to your DH at all.

ClownsandCowboys · 25/11/2019 10:13

You can special straps and devices for SEN children to stop them undoing the clips. Many children with ASD do because they can't understand the danger

They are safe and legal.

Bouledeneige · 25/11/2019 10:20

I really think you should focus on getting an extra strap to make the seat secure and being really strict about dangerous behaviour.

MollyButton · 25/11/2019 10:25

PS. Your DS may do this as he knows it makes you stop the car and pay attention to him. He may not do it to your DH at all.

My DC knew if they did something dangerous including undoing straps, I would stop the car - and usually read my phone or a book until everything was safe again. They also knew I wouldn't start the engine until everyone was strapped in.
Their father would sometimes be impatient and start driving (out of a car park) before everyone was strapped in - they misbehaved more for him.
But if I had a child who repeatedly undid their strap we would be walking until they had got the message.

(And I did wonder from the start if Grandma really wans a long visit from a 2.5 year old..)

Velveteenfruitbowl · 25/11/2019 10:30

Both of my children did that (nothing like having a one year old suddenly pop his head through the two seats at the front while driving down the motorway at full speed. We moved them in forward facing seats and they stopped for a long time. Then they started wriggling out again (but not coming all the way out like before). So we switched to booster type seats and haven’t had any issues since.

DCOkeford · 25/11/2019 10:33

OP should be thinking about suitable punishments for the DC's bad behaviour, all this talk of a DC 'doing' this, or 'not doing' that is just so wishy-washy.

Who's in charge in your house (car) OP?

ActualHornist · 25/11/2019 10:34

What @Bouledeneige said.

YANBU to be worried but you’ve said upthread you won’t use a clip. Whatever you’re doing is not good enough.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 25/11/2019 10:35

@Mjlp that trick grows old fast. I’m not sure why you bring up teaching experience, children behave very differently at school. A lot of children don’t really give a shit about anything (I have one of those) but behave at school because they are completely comfortable. You should thank your lucky stars that all of your children are so bidable.

Notodontidae · 25/11/2019 10:48

My tone of voice would put off any child unbuckling a seat belt without being prompted to do so, " get a grip". The dangers as you have pointed out, are unimaginable. I constantly hear mums on here where little Johnny doesn't listen to me or doesn't do what he is told. The secret is to only use the no voice when DC is doing or about to do something dangerous. All other times be positive, that way you don’t drown them with no at every move they make.

Mjlp · 25/11/2019 11:37

@velveteenfruitbowl

A lot of children don’t really give a shit about anything (I have one of those) but behave at school

I've brought it up because a lot of children don't behave at school. I had a chair thrower in my class once. He'd spent the whole of the previous year throwing chairs across the classroom whenever he was annoyed. The first time he got up and moved his hands towards his chair to pick it up, the look on my face and the tone of my, "Don't even think about it!" made him stop dead in his tracks and he never even attempted to throw a chair again in my class.

It's a teacher's job to keep the children in their care safe. It's a parents job to keep their children safe; you have to find a way to do it.

ClownsandCowboys · 25/11/2019 12:04

I lot of children have undiagnosed SEND, such as ASD or ADHD, which effects their ability to understand danger or respond to to e of voice or telling off.

What happens a lot, especially to girls is they go undiagnosed until they are teens or older. By this point they have very little self esteem and are suicidal because they have spent their lives being told off, they know they are different, know they are doing stuff wrong, but cannot process it in order to do the "right" thing.

I'm sure all the "just tell them off" and tone of voice people are the ones that judge me when out with my dd. She doesn't look autistic, or like she has any SEND. So imagine you probably just think I should tell her off more.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 25/11/2019 13:16

@Mjlp the key word there is the first time. It works in teaching because the children are never going to be sure straight away what they can get away with with a teacher. They don’t have the upper hand. Your own children on the other hand will eventually figure out that they can get away with anything. Whereas in a school they most likely won’t come to that realisation within a year (even then they can’t do literally anything to a teacher the way they can to a child). Trust me, it’s really not comparable. If you were that kind of child or ever find that you have that kind of child you’ll find the power dynamic is very different. Your teacher voice is pretty useless when your children realise that you love them unconditionally and you have an obligation to care for them no matter what (I am a scary person myself, there are grown men who are scared of me, my children on the other hand aren’t. They know how it is). Bright children cotton on early. Some of them take advantage of it while others humour their parents. Be grateful that yours are humouring you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 25/11/2019 14:01

Would you be happy if your DH overruled you on decisions you made in relation to your DS.
Off course YABU. You and those supporting you would never put up with it if it was the other way round.
If you are so concerned you should go, if not then let him look after the kids.

Cheeseandwin5 · 25/11/2019 14:03

In your next post, DH leaves me to make all the decisions about the DS, Isnt he a .............

LolaSmiles · 25/11/2019 14:09

To be honest right now potential SEND isnt relevant and the whole teacher voice suggestion is a bit silly.

The bottom line is that the OP openly drives her child around knowing the issues with the car seat, openly gets distracted from the road and yet is now appalled at the idea of the children's father taking them on a long journey, because they aren't happy with the unsafe car arrangements that they're quite content to keep doing themselves.

The dad should absolutely not be going on a motorway withit a child strapped in properly, but the solution is for the parents to arrange proper car arrangements and an appropriate car seat, not have mum telling dad that the unsafe set up is fine for her but she's not happy with him doing it (possibly one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on MN lately)

Hangingwithmygnomies · 25/11/2019 14:37

OP could you get one of those blanket with arm things? That way you can tuck it in behind him and the blanket will cover the clip but not hinder if needed to be extracted from the car in an emergency? On a side not though, I would be investing in a new car sear asap - surely a 2.5 year old shouldn't be able to undo one so easily? I know my 3.5 year old wouldn't be able to undo his

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/11/2019 14:49

WHat car seat is he in ?

ActualFemale · 25/11/2019 15:25

I agree it sounds like an unsafe journey if your son is going to be climbing out if his car seat all the time and I don't think YABU for resining concerns.

I do think YABU In the sense that you drive in the same conditions yourself. Even if it's just for five mins, that's all it takes for him to distract you and if your watching him climb all over the car then you're not watching the road, putting your own family and everyone else's at risk. It sounds like neither of you have taken this as seriously as it should have been until the motorway trip came up. I'd be purchasing a new car seat as priority. If your ordered online it could be there before the weekend but I'd be going to Halfords it wherever after work tonight and sorting it due to him being in the car daily.

The motorway trip with your child behaving like this isn't safe but neither is your daily trips to nursery.

Did you try the shirt trick this morning? How did that go?

INeedNewShoes · 25/11/2019 15:37

It’s a good question about which car seat the OP is using for her 2 year old.

We have two car seats and plenty of adults struggle to unfasten the clips on one of them! DD definitely couldn’t.

DD occasionally removes her arms from the car seat straps but I’ve been lucky that so far a stern request to put them back has worked. I’m not daft enough to think that this means we’re out of the woods yet!

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 25/11/2019 16:07

My DC knew if they did something dangerous including undoing straps, I would stop the car - and usually read my phone or a book until everything was safe again. They also knew I wouldn't start the engine until everyone was strapped in.
Your 2 year old had that kind of cognitive understanding? Impressive.

Honestly the patronising attitude gets me. OP may not be a confident enough driver to do that journey, but maybe her husband is. Maybe the children won't act up for Dad has they do with Mum? God forbid anything actually happen to either partner and they are not around anymore to tag team long journeys. I wonder how many people manage to function being so panicked like this.

Mjlp · 25/11/2019 16:28

@velveteenfruitbowl

Your own children on the other hand will eventually figure out that they can get away with anything

My eldest is 16. They've never figured that out, because my children can't get away with anything. They know when no really means no.

Bright children cotton on early. Some of them take advantage of it while others humour their parents.

My children don't humour me. They behave nicely.

This is ridiculous. You keep tagging me because my children behave and yours don't. Stop tagging me and focus on trying to help your children.

Pickard · 26/11/2019 12:22

they're big enough to do that they're big enough to understand, "No! Dangerous!" in a very firm tone of voice

My DD is 3.5 and she would just laugh at that.

Mjlp · 26/11/2019 12:51

@Pickard

*they're big enough to do that they're big enough to understand, "No! Dangerous!" in a very firm tone of voice

My DD is 3.5 and she would just laugh at that*

So you'd allow your child think it's funny to do something that could potentially cause their or someone else's death by the driver being distracted. What a fantastic parent you are 👏

Pickard · 26/11/2019 12:59

I don't even drive, I'm talking about about the whole "stern voice" thing, which apparently makes kids just automatically listen... What do you mean "allow" her to think its funny? Do you suggest I start screaming at her when she laughs? You seem to think there's a magic tone all kids obey.