To be upset at what happened and upset at how I reacted

[Fcukthisshit]

So, I live on a quiet street. A week ago at night (9ish) I walked into my hallway and someone was looking through my front door. Gave me a heart attack! I opened the door and it turned out to be a carer looking for a house on the other side of town (think along the lines of high street vs high avenue). DH directed carer to where they needed to be.

Friday I’m at home with just my toddler and I caught movement at the front door out of the corner of my eye. I started walking to the door and the handle starts to rattle as the person outside is trying to get in. I’m literally convinced at this point that someone is trying to break in and I panicked. I flew at the door and went mental (shouting but no swearing). Turns out it was another carer for the same address as a week ago. She point blank refuses to tell me which company she worked for so I could clear up the address issue which left me having to contact all the local companies until I found the right one.

I feel terrible for shouting at her but at the same time I don’t appreciate being frightened in my own home twice! (FWIW I’ve caught burglars in my back garden once before - they threatened to burn my house down, so I’m probably jumpier than the average person)

So was I unreasonable to have shouted - even though it was in panic - not aggression (and then anger when she wouldn’t tell me the company she worked for). It’s really bothered me all weekend. I realise it wasn’t the carers fault as she had obviously been given the wrong information, but common sense should have told her that the street name didn’t match and my house wasn’t part of a sheltered block of retirement flats (which is where she was looking for).

Maybe I was unreasonable and I should contact the company again and pass an apology on or maybe others would have reacted the same way I did?? Tell me what you think! Maybe I won’t feel so bad if others would react the same way?

I probably would have been the same after the second one - she was unreasonable to give you the name of the company to rectify the situation.

*not give you the name

I wouldn't like that. It would be awkward but can you go to the other person's house. They may be cognitively intact but "just" having physical care. If you explained they might give you the details you need.

I flew at the door and went mental

Yes, this sounds totally unreasonable.

Someone tried your door handle, yes? Presumably it was locked and they couldn’t get in? What time of day was it?

I would just leave it now. Hopefully having spoken to the company that will stop it happening again.

I dont think you were unreasonable in the slightest. What would she suggest you do, wait for someone to gain entry then decide if they are a risk or not? She went to the wrong address, tried to walk into your home and was then cagey about her employer. You did what many of us would have done. She is the one at fault here.

I think you over reacted a bit , I assume you have a front door that cannot just be opened from the out side so someone trying the handle is not going to allow them in , if you haven’t then get the door changed so that you feel more secure .

@Floralnomad we have an old style Upvc door that can be accessed from outside - like a door handle with a lock underneath it. I’m embarrassed to say that it was unlocked (although I usually keep all the doors locked, my friend had not long left and I hadn’t locked it behind her) luckily our door handle is very stiff which gave the impression that the door was in fact locked.

Not unreasonable at all. Why is she rattling the handle and then refusing to tell you which company she works for if it’s such an honest mistake?

She was rude to say she was in the wrong and you have every right to be annoyed angry and upset

I think it was classic foght or flight response OP dont be too hard on yourself. Yes, not her fault but completely understand why you reacted as you did. I'm in the flight category and would have hidden behind the sofa!

How can you contact the company if she wouldn't tell you the name of the company?

You sound very edgy OP.

As a former carer, we were often given wrong addresses and had someone irate on the other side of it when we were banging on their door at 7.30am............ it was the office that gave the wrong address out, and the carer must have been just as frustrated as you are.

I'd be far less polite if someone else tries it again, however, they should have notified their office on the first occasion that the address was wrong. That address will be on all of their files, so it's very poor admin on their part.

OP I think yanbu, we can't be responsible for our reactions when we are panicked. Who in their right mind tries a door handle before ringing or knocking if they are unsure where they are!

I am 20 weeks pregnant. 2 weeks ago at a petrol station a man opened my passenger door and got into my car, apparently thinking it was his wife's car. I screamed and shouted at him too. I was petrified.

If you see the carer maybe apologise but otherwise I don't think you need to explain.

YANBU. If you don't know if you have the right address, you knock or ring the doorbell. You call your employer to check. You ask the neighbours if you have the right address. You don't just let yourself into houses until you get the right one!

I don't think you over reacted or are being unreasonable. A stranger was trying to gain access to your house, you were well within your rights to stop that from happening and if I was the carer I'd think "fair enough" and be embarrassed at my mistake!

Not unreasonable at all in my opinion.

A couple of years ago someone knocked on my door and I was on a call for work, so took a bit longer getting to the door. When I got there I could see a hand moving towards my car keys (I know, stupid to leave them there). I reacted and kicked the door, not hard enough to break an arm, but hard enough to stop them. I flung the door open and it was a parcel delivery person.

I did get stroppy and he threatened to take action against me (fill your boots mate), but nothing came of it. Perhaps I was unreasonable, but if you feel you could be under threat, you react in certain ways.

I'm jumpier than average so can totally relate -you're not BU at all !!!!! This would freak me out n'all!!

Not unreasonable at all.

Someone starts rattling your door handle without knocking or ringing the bell first? I'd have given them short shrift too.

Another demonstration of how piss poor these care companies are. Can't even get basic admin right and the carers themselves can't use their nouse to see that your home clearly isn't a retirement flat in a block of flats. The first one probably didn't even inform the company that the address they were given was wrong.

I was a community nurse for a while and went to an address which, on the system said “knock and walk in” as patient gets irritated at having to get out of his chair. So I knocked and walked in ... walked in to a couple sat watching TV!! The husband said “not again! How many times do we have to tell your place that this is the wrong address!?” Apparently three nurses had walked in to their house in the same week.

I’ve also gone to a “knock and walk in” house to find a big fuck off pitbull stood there looking at me. It’s a nightmare.

If I was home alone with my toddler and someone was trying to get in I would have reacted the same. I would have immediately felt threatened and worse so was my child so Mama bear would definitely have come out.
I would have apologised to the carer as it’s not her fault she was given the wrong address but she should’ve told u the company so u could sort out the mistake

Well I would have gone mental too given that I had gone through a similar experience...
(stranger trying to gain access to a rented property I lived in.
How were you to know that it wasn't burglar.
The fact that she would not tell you the Company she worked for would have made it even more suspicious, and she did her self no favours by withholding that it info.

Why is she rattling the handle and then refusing to tell you which company she works for if it’s such an honest mistake? Because she's facing an apparently irrational person shouting at her?

OP - would you feel better if people couldn't see in through your front door? eg a new solid door, or frosting the glass?

YWBU

that was silly of her not to tell, but you caught her off guard. she was expecting just to walk in and care

not all elderly needing care need retirement flats, plenty live in houses