To be upset at what happened and upset at how I reacted

[Fcukthisshit]

So, I live on a quiet street. A week ago at night (9ish) I walked into my hallway and someone was looking through my front door. Gave me a heart attack! I opened the door and it turned out to be a carer looking for a house on the other side of town (think along the lines of high street vs high avenue). DH directed carer to where they needed to be.

Friday I’m at home with just my toddler and I caught movement at the front door out of the corner of my eye. I started walking to the door and the handle starts to rattle as the person outside is trying to get in. I’m literally convinced at this point that someone is trying to break in and I panicked. I flew at the door and went mental (shouting but no swearing). Turns out it was another carer for the same address as a week ago. She point blank refuses to tell me which company she worked for so I could clear up the address issue which left me having to contact all the local companies until I found the right one.

I feel terrible for shouting at her but at the same time I don’t appreciate being frightened in my own home twice! (FWIW I’ve caught burglars in my back garden once before - they threatened to burn my house down, so I’m probably jumpier than the average person)

So was I unreasonable to have shouted - even though it was in panic - not aggression (and then anger when she wouldn’t tell me the company she worked for). It’s really bothered me all weekend. I realise it wasn’t the carers fault as she had obviously been given the wrong information, but common sense should have told her that the street name didn’t match and my house wasn’t part of a sheltered block of retirement flats (which is where she was looking for).

Maybe I was unreasonable and I should contact the company again and pass an apology on or maybe others would have reacted the same way I did?? Tell me what you think! Maybe I won’t feel so bad if others would react the same way?

Completely understand OP

Just last week local burglars were round here trying door handles, two locals reported it.

Please please lock your door immediately, it’s the worst time of year.

Carer should apologise and give company name so you know they’re not just posing as a carer.

Xpost “ It seems such a sad state of affairs if people are scared all the time”

You don’t live somewhere rough, I take it? I think that’s a factor.

Someone tried your door.

You have a right to defend yourself and your property. You yelled at them through fear. Totally normal reaction.

The carer did not help by refusing to say what company she was from. She tried your door. She was trying to enter the wrong address. She should have helped you rectify the situation.

And I don't believe anyone here who says if they thought someone was trying to break into their property they'd answer the door calmly and ask if they could help.

Because I'm sure we all answer the door to potentially armed burglers and give directions to our possessions

@Fcukthisshit

YANBU at all. What has happened is very unacceptable.

@CardsforKittens

Anyone who is intending to knock and walk in needs to be 100% sure they have the right address, otherwise they can expect to be shouted at. I don’t think you were unreasonable. I would have responded in a similar way; it’s the combination of fear at the possibility of danger and the need to protect children. It shouldn’t have happened after the first time, and the carer should have told you the name of the company. Could you send an email to the local companies? You wouldn’t necessarily need to give your details, just remind them of the need to keep on top of their admin.

This. ^

@Drum2018

YANBU. I'd have fucked them out of it. How about knocking on the bloody door first to alert the home owner they have arrived, even if the home owner is elderly and cannot answer. If anyone made an attempt to just walk into my house I wouldn't be reasonable about it. Don't bother apologising. They should have apologised and assured you that they would tell their employer about the address error.

Hmmm, I see you point here, but we have 3 different people in our road who have carers (4 or 5 a day,) and they often walk straight in - have their own key actually - as the people they care for are disabled and/or very elderly and infirm, and it saves the person having to get up. Plus, it saves the carer valuable time, as they are on a very tight schedule. (Not paid for travel-time between service users in many cases.)

I agree with most of your post though, and also think @Fcukthisshit is not being unreasonable to be upset and pissed off at people walking straight in to her house.

Not necessarily the fault of the Carers though, and if the agency are told, hopefully it will stop.

I would put a sign on my door to be honest, saying 'this is 15 high STREET, not 15 high AVENUE. No carers required here. Please do not knock or enter if you are a carer. Thank you.'

I live in a town and area where there are several break ins each week. It's the norm to wake up in morning to find a post being shared on Facebook about houses/cars being broken in to and door handles being tried locally the previous night. I'm a single parent and I often wake up during the night with a fright after hearing a noise outside, if someone tried to open my door from the outside I would be absolutely terrified because the likelihood is it would be a drugged up burglar rather than a carer with the wrong address.

My next door neighbour had someone kick her door down, grab a kitchen knife from her kitchen, and stab somebody on the driveway. We’ve had multiple murders on our road/in the locale. I’d be shitting myself if someone was trying my door. Lucky you that you feel so safe 🤷‍♀️

Contact the company again?

What did they say the first time and how did you know the name of the company?

That was in response to I find it very strange that people are so scared of, it seems, everything btw

I would tell someone to jog on (not so kindly) if they were peeping through my door and trying my door handle. In this climate of constant break ins and attacks on vulnerable people then it’s completely reasonable. If you don’t know where you are you don’t try and open someone’s door do you?

@CurryBelly - you’d think the young couple might have had the sense to start locking their door 🤣

@Dict - don’t start applying commonness sense whatever you do ‍🤷🏻‍♀️😂

The career probably didn’t want to give the company name in case she got into trouble. Lots of these ‘care’ companies aren’t exactly good with staff.

Thanks all. Seems I wasn’t as unreasonable as I thought.

@Dict I thought it was someone trying to break in. My street is generally quiet but now the police don’t bother investigating anything there have been problems with car crime and opportunistic thieves trying door handles.

The career did have the correct address as both of them said “is this 100 high street” and I said no it’s “100 high avenue” so the wrong street name didn’t put them off trying the house.

"Nope - I'd have gone to the door, opened it and said 'Can I help you?' confused

Surely, that's what you do if someone's knocking, not if they're actually opening your door.

I reacted the opposite way when I unexpectedly found a parcel delivery man in my kitchen.
I don't know if it was shock or what it was but I just smiled and said "Oh hello. Can I help you?"
He was mortified and apologised. It was a complete misunderstanding as he'd thought the door went into a porch and not straight into my kitchen.
I'd just got in from putting the bins out and was busy getting the kids ready for school, so hadn't had chance to lock the door (which is usually locked).

I'm not sure why I reacted like that though as my heart was pounding.
I'd say your reaction was more normal than mine OP!

I don't understand why she wouldn't tell you who she worked for if it was just an innocent mix up, I really would be pissed off about that. It's natural to be protective of your home and your children, I'd be upset about it too.

You were not being unreasonable . Can’t imagine why they would be trying your door handle - and then not attempting to reassure you when they realized their mistake . Being at home alone with a toddler causing your strong reaction due to protectiveness - you don’t have to explain or apologize to anyone .

It would be awkward but can you go to the other person's house. They may be cognitively intact but "just" having physical care. If you explained they might give you the details you need

What? Go and knock in the door of a potentially vulnerable person. I'm sure they don't need the hassle.

I hate it when people act like they're bewildered that someone could be frightened in their own homes. Surely people aren't that ignorant to the fact that some people live in rough areas or have experiences that mean they might be more prone to being frightened than others? When you look at the stats for stalking/domestic violence/sexual assault/burglary etc it's not a reach to consider that many people may be frightened because they've been a victim of such a crime and are subsequently more wary or frightened in given situations?

“ Surely people aren't that ignorant to the fact that some people live in rough areas or have experiences that mean they might be more prone to being frightened than others?”

I see this a lot on MN.

YANBU. I absolutely detest people who think they can try a strangers door or try to walk straight in, unless it has already been discussed and agreed before hand and the person walking straight in or trying the door knows 100% that they have the right address.

I'm not generally scared in my own home, however, I am deaf and tend not to wear my hearing aids in the house as too much noise causes many physical issues for me and this obviously means I don't hear the door well. When DH, who has perfect hearing, is on nights I can be a little jumpy, this coupled with drug dealers living next door but one to us leaves me feeling very vulnerable especially having two young children in the house (one with several disabilities).

We have people trying our door weekly, usually druggies getting confused; luckily we always keep our door locked and we have an extra inside latch as well for extra security. Also we have a giant 80lb doberman who has a seriously loud bark and looks quite formidable which is a huge deterrent. No one needs to know that she's scared of her own shadow and soft as muck!

Hmmm care companies dont usually "walk straight in"
I cant imagine SS allowing this -there is usually a key safe.

YANU - there was no reason why she should not have told you the name of her employer. I can see why she had to be discreet about the name of any client, but not her employer.

I would have sworn as well as yelling, and I would expect an apology from them.