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Original poster

To think we weren’t in the wrong here?

304 replies

outofthedarkshadows · 23/11/2019 11:05

Out with DD aged 3 and a woman walked past. DD said in that loud way children have ‘that’s a big lady.’

I know that must have been unpleasant for her but she gave me such a look and said ‘teach it some manners.’

(I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say.)

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 23/11/2019 14:46

she might not have had anything do do with small children since she was one herself

Maybe she should start educating herself on how children learn and develop then. Then the world might become a little bit easier for her when another little 3 year old hurts her little feelings.
Because if she speaks like that to everyone (eg calling someone’s child IT or telling people how to parent their child), she might get a very unpleasant reaction from the next parent.

LaurieMarlow · 23/11/2019 14:51

If you’d turned to your child and said in a shocked and stern voice “Rosie, that was very rude!”

But how is shaming the child in public a good way of dealing with this?

She doesn’t understand why it’s rude, she’s just calling it as she sees it. A few quiet, considered conversations about people’s feeling will be far more effective than coming on heavy in public when she doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong.

The woman in question is a grown up and should learn to handle herself better. The three year old is at the very start of that journey.

wildcherries · 23/11/2019 14:56

I’m a bit tired of really weak ineffectual parenting. It won’t hurt your child to tell them off occasionally.

Agree with this. To have told the DD loud enough for the woman to hear is not shaming her.

LaurieMarlow · 23/11/2019 14:57

To have told the DD loud enough for the woman to hear is not shaming her.

That’s not what the poster suggested though

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 14:58

Maybe she should start educating herself on how children learn and develop then.

It's a bit unrealistic to expect everyone who has no regular contact with children to study child development so that they can feel more indulgent to children whose parents don't have the courtesy to take ownership of their behaviour when they get it wrong.

I have a dog. If I was out with my dog and he offended someone by jumping up at them (say), I would immediately apologise without reservation (and revisit my training of my dog not to annoy people).

I wouldn't take the attitude that the person ought to study canine behaviour so that they'd know my dog was just being friendly and therefore not feel annoyed by him. If the person isn't a dog owner, or dog lover, why on earth should they have any obligation to learn about dogs?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/11/2019 14:59

@RhiWrites

If you’d turned to your child and said in a shocked and stern voice “Rosie, that was very rude!” Then I suspect you wouldn’t have got an outraged and hostile response from this woman.

Maybe not but she still corrected her child. How was the woman to know the child didnt have SN so couldnt help comments like that? I agree that children have to learn manners but sounded like the woman needed to chill out a bit too. So what if she's big?

Cheeserton · 23/11/2019 15:00

LOL at the poster who thinks any three year old who blurts something uncomfortable out is 'mannerless'. Just ridiculous.

LaurieMarlow · 23/11/2019 15:00

What’s the point in ‘telling a child off’ for something they don’t understand is wrong?

Social niceties are complicated things for 3 year olds to grasp. It will take time for them to get it.

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 15:01

LOL at the poster who thinks any three year old who blurts something uncomfortable out is 'mannerless'. Just ridiculous.

Why is that ridiculous? The child hasn't acquired manners, therefore she's mannerless.

OnGoldenPond · 23/11/2019 15:02

She called your DD "it" Shock

Sounds like a nasty piece of work.

You did nothing wrong. Small children are brutally honest, they are too young to understand some comments can offend, they are just telling the truth as they see it. Reasonable people know this, and you did pick DD up on this.

If a small child said this to me I would just laugh and agree! Smile

BritWifeinUSA · 23/11/2019 15:03

I’m sure this woman has had a lot worse things happen to her than a 3-year-old child calling her “big”. I know I’ve had bigger problems in life than that and I’ve had a very nice life. If she’s seriously upset about something a small child said, then she needs help.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 15:04

From having my own 3yo she wont have even meant "fat" when she said big. My 3yo doesnt have a concept of "fat" he calls me and his dad "big" neither of us are fat but to him we obv are big because hes tiny.

I would have given her a piece of my mind for saying "it" to be honest. Far more rude than what tge 3yo said.

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 15:05

I’m sure this woman has had a lot worse things happen to her than a 3-year-old child calling her “big”. I know I’ve had bigger problems in life than that and I’ve had a very nice life. If she’s seriously upset about something a small child said, then she needs help.

But sometimes, something relatively minor can be 'the last straw' if you are having a bad time.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 15:07

But sometimes, something relatively minor can be 'the last straw' if you are having a bad time

Well thats too bad but its her problem and she shouldn't be taking it out on a 3yo.

3yos dont know better. Grown women should. She embarrased herself further by her reaction.

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 15:08

3yos dont know better. Grown women should

Which is exactly why the OP should have apologised on her 3 year-old's behalf.

merrymouse · 23/11/2019 15:08

Neither your daughter nor you were in the wrong - you can't control everything a 3 year old does and your daughter is too young to understand.

However, while the woman shouldn't have called your DD 'it', she was obviously hurt by your daughter's comment, and your daughter learned in a very practical way that her comment was hurtful, and hurt people are not always polite in return.

Hopefully she will remember this valuable lesson.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/11/2019 15:09

kitten maybe she would have if the woman hadnt called her child it?

It would be a cold day in hell before if apologise to someone who treated a child (any child!) Like that.

LaurieMarlow · 23/11/2019 15:10

Which is exactly why the OP should have apologised on her 3 year-old's behalf.

I don’t get this. The OP should have apologised for her child acting like a typical 3 year old? Why? What did the OP do wrong?

SlobDylan · 23/11/2019 15:13
  • Would her saying "that's a tall lady" be considered hurtful? No.

Whether it was hurtful would depend on whether the woman was self-conscious about being unusually tall, surely?

We don't know whether the woman would mind or not - that's why, as polite and considerate people, we don't blurt out 'factual observations' about every person we pass on the street.*

And yet, you refer to a 3 year old child as “mannerless” and call it a factual observation.

This thread clearly strikes a nerve with you.

KittenLedWeaning · 23/11/2019 15:14

kitten maybe she would have if the woman hadnt called her child it?

OP says I had quietly said to dd that wasn’t a nice thing to say. The had in this sentence indicates this came before the woman made her comments. If the OP had apologised straight away, it might have pre-empted the other woman being rude.

I don't condone the way the other woman expressed herself at all, but I think it is a case of rudeness being met by rudeness, not that the OP was in the right.

Butchyrestingface · 23/11/2019 15:14

Sorry if I missed this @outofthedarkshadows, but you did presumably apologise for your daughter’s runaway mouth?

And then other woman apologised for her unspeakable rudeness in referring to your daughter as “it”?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/11/2019 15:14

But sometimes, something relatively minor can be 'the last straw' if you are having a bad time

And how does the woman know that HER comment wasnt the last straw? Cause if i was having a bad time, and that comment was the last straw for me, I'd have been tempted to say to her "Im sorry for my toddler daughter stating the bleeding obvious when she is too young to know better, if you dont like it then go on a diet!"

But then i have more manners than that Grin

Oakmaiden · 23/11/2019 15:15

I can't help feeling this was a non event. Your daughter said something rude about someone. But she is 3, so can be excused to an extent.

The person she had been rude about had the temerity to let it be known that she was aware of what had been said and was hurt by it. She didn't, however, really verbally accost you or your child. Three words, addressed solely to you. They weren't kind words, but neither were they particularly aggressive.

You should have apologised to her, and you did correct your child.

These things happen when you have children. Sometimes your children do things that are not appropriate. Other people are not wrong to object when they do. You would be wrong if you hadn't corrected her, but you did 9even if the woman hadn't been aware of it).

Oakmaiden · 23/11/2019 15:17

I don’t get this. The OP should have apologised for her child acting like a typical 3 year old? Why? What did the OP do wrong?

Because when we upset other people we apologise for doing so? Unless it is deliberate, of course. The child accidentally upset the woman, so as the adult responsible for the child the OP should have apologised?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/11/2019 15:17

It's a bit unrealistic to expect everyone who has no regular contact with children to study child development...

I have a dog. If I was out with my dog and he offended someone...

Good lord, are you still banging on about this!

Have you ever been a dog? No, me neither. I have however been a child and I suspect many other adults were once one too. And we mixed with other children (as few of us were raised by wolves in a forest).

It's ridiculous to keep insisting that people can't possibly understand children without some special knowledge about child development.