To think children don't need to be constantly grazing on food?

[UnderneathTheMangoTree]

I have a friend I usually see twice a week, we both have 2 DC each age 5 and 3.

She is constantly feeding the kids and it is getting on my nerves - it's mostly stuff like fruit purees, bread sticks, slices of plain white bread, plain biscuits. I get annoyed that my kids spend the afternoon eating mostly unhealthy food and then refuse their tea, which they normally love.

I have given up trying to stop them from eating the snacks she provides because she always insists on giving them the same amount she gives her DC. I have now even started taking similar snacks whenever we meet because I felt uncomfortable not offering any food except for fruit and a slice of bread and butter, which is what my kids normally have for a snack.

AIBU to think that 3 and 5 year olds don't need to be constantly grazing on food and that one smallish snack is enough to tide them over till tea? Or do I need to relax and accept that they are going to spend two afternoons a week grazing on food and then not eating anything at teatime?

Btw, my DC don't beg for food in the afternoons once they have had their fruit and bread and they are both on the 75th percentile for height and weight, so I am definitely not starving them!

[WillowySnicket]

I tend too for," that's so kind to offer, thanks, but mine are ok". And then, to the whingey kid, I'm hunnnnnnnnngry! "Brilliant, that means you'll gobble up your dinner" (in a bright, cheerful, mary poppins voice). And that's the end of that. It isn't really an issue between you and her (but I totally get how awkward it is), maybe it is more the fact that, as a pp had said, your kids keep whining when you've said no. It is not easy though! All sympathy to you.

[YabaDabaBoo]

I have a friend who does this. She’s worse though because when we go over, she puts out buckets (think Halloween buckets) of crisps, biscuits sweets, cake, muffins etc and keeps on at the kids the whole time to ‘help themselves’. We’ve all told her to put them away but she won’t listen. She encourages her own dd to eat so much she hardly ever eats any dinner because she’s full on junk. I’ve actually stopped going now, as have some of the others mums. We’ve all told her why but she accused us of sucking the fun out of her parties and not letting our kids enjoy themselves.

[The8thMonth]

I have friends like this. I also don't think children need snacks on tap. They won't starve and you want them hungry for meals.

I'm pretty relaxed about it when with friends. If they offer snacks, I let the kids have them. I don't feel guilty about not bringing any food.

My kids know that snacks from friends are a treat and that mum doesn't do snacks. I also don't snack as a general rule, so just decline when I'm offered.

If they have had too many snacks, them we just skip the next meal or just offer veg sticks, maybe fruit and cheese as well.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

A lot of people no longer recognise what a healthy child should look like ie that you should see collarbones / vertebra etc. They think despite being a normal size their kids need fattening up and then when they become obese it’s all ‘but it’s not my fault - I fed them properly’. I would suggest if this friend is overriding your parenting that you stop seeing her.

[reetgood]

I’m quite happy to do ‘we have x when we’re at x’s house’. Grandparents look after my kid and frankly, I’m not going to too tightly control what they do. They feed my 22 month old more cake than I would, but it’s basically ok. When my son is with me I feed him as I see fit, and that’s not a conflict.

I have two minds about the snacking thing. I grew up in a house where snacking was fine, partly in reaction to parent’s experience of growing up with food being overly controlled. I am usually a size 12 and have a positive relationship with food. My partner has struggled with his weight his entire life and subscribes to good/bad foods, hid food as a kid. I would rather provide food at regular predictable intervals. It’s ok to get appropriately hungry, but I also think that there’s no point in being hungry when you could eat something. That could seem like always snacking.

I was a child who was always hungry and skinny. I didn’t die but I did once pass out when I went too long without food...

[PinkyU]

Avoiding a situation that you’re not comfortable in is not healthy, it’s pretty immature in all honesty.

No one has to compromise they’re parenting ethos and decision just to preserve and maintain a friendship, if you do or feel pressure to, it’s not a friendship. You deserve better and are teaching your children that they must compromise and conform to fit in.

[Autumntoowet]

Exactly what @PinkyU said!

Some of my friends give chocolate snacks and diluted fruit juice which is not what I give my DC so I simply say no thank you he doesn’t have those and I give him other snacks.
Why should they change when I can simply say thank you no.

[Rainbowtheunicorn]

I agree with @PinkyU

We shouldn’t teach our children to go along with a situation that makes them uncomfortable just to be polite.

[Rainbowtheunicorn]

Oops- Thought this was a different thread but still agree!

[Falafel19]

I actually would stop going OP if I was you, I stopped going to mils with dc until she learned to stop constantly offering sugar laden snacks, she still needs reminders from time to time from dh.

With regards to my own son and the comment about turning the phrase around, even at breakfast he will eat a decent bowl of porridge/pancakes/scrambled egg after not eating for 12 hours, be uninterested in eating any more and then want a banana 40 mins later. I would prefer him to do that than to ever feel he had to force more food in at a mealtime than he was comfortable with.

[dontlickthelamp]

@BillHadersNewWife I ate the same as @tomatosoup4’s DC and was extremely underweight. So it is possible that kids can eat that and still not gain weight.

My DC will have a few snacks throughout the day, but won’t constantly be eating, I’d find they wouldn’t eat their tea. However, it it works for her kids then that’s fine, could you just not take your children there before or near tea time

[lalafafa]

this constant eating and drinking is ridiculous, its mostly out of boredom.do something with your kids instead of stuffing their faces, no wonder there's so many fat kids.

[PhilomenaButterfly]

Ugh my DM used to do this. She doesn't so much now, but still says "none of my friends mind". My DC are just not constantly hungry. She'll bring crisps or cakes round that we won't use because they have snacks and puddings that they each choose and that's it. It's so wasteful and I end up throwing them out.

[Quartz2208]

I think this is a good time for children and adults to make it clear that different strokes for different folks. She does it her way you do it yours. Your are your DC parent so you can say its not the way it works

DD is 10 and slim but she has a fast metabolism which means she naturally eats little and often, breakfast before school lunch at 12 then meals at 3:30, 6 ish and before bed. Her portions are small because she eats until she is full and then 2 hours later wants something else.

[Janicejaniceahmfallin]

It's a shame to end a friendship over something so trivial, but I know it's infuriating, esp when your kids are so young and you're trying to encourage good habits.

I had a friend who was exactly like this with her three boys - who tbf were a real handful, so I could understand her impulse to shut them up and keep their sugar levels stable! - but it was literally non fucking stop. We couldn't do a 20 minute walk in the woods without her feeding the kids (mine included) packets of crap at least 3 times on the way round. Even when the children didn't want it and were actively trying to refuse, she'd be pressing it on them, or searching in her bag for an alternative, more appealing bit of junk. We definitely couldn't go anywhere for the day without a truckload of snacks, and she was openly appalled at how little I gave my kids in between meals.

I never once caved and changed my own approach to fit with hers, but I get where you're coming from, OP, it's exhausting - and even worse when you feel your parenting is being judged and overridden by someone whose ideas are fundamentally different from yours.

But I agree with Pinky - I don't think it's just a binary choice between putting up with it or cutting contact with her. Why can't you have an honest conversation? You don't need to criticise her parenting in order to assert yourself.

And as your kids get older, this will definitely become much less of an issue.

[Passthecherrycoke]

I think the point is they are doing something with their kids- having some sort of play date with the OP

I agree dontlickthelamp I was a very skinny child and ate constantly in a desperate bid to put on weight but it never worked- but I think people who have struggled with their weight often put all sorts of rules in place so their children don’t go through the same

[Choufleur]

DS is grazer. He's 13 and always has been. He's also 6'1" and now always bloody starving despite eating good meals (he'll often have tea around 6.30pm and then will eat a massive bowl of pasta about 9pm).

I don't think kids need to constantly graze but it's usually quite a long time between breakfast and lunch and then dinner. so don't see that having a snack is a problem for most kids.

I have a friend who doesn't let her kids snack (or very rarely) and when they have free rein their inhaler food because they have the opportunity, so I don't think banning snacks necessarily creates good habits.

[Deadringer]

I agree with you op, at toddler group the children seem to eat non stop. Surely eating all the time isn't a good habit, even if the food is healthy?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I agree with you OP. I'm not commenting about what other children are eating but the constant eating is irritating when it's not what your own children do. How can some children find the time to do any activities at all? Sticky, greasy fingers over everything.

Snacking isn't a good habit in my opinion. If you need to eat then eat, a proper amount so that you're not hungry any more, don't snack!

[BreadSauceHmm]

It depends. Some have a higher metabolism. I was constantly grazing as a kid and was very skinny like the rest of my family (I look healthier now, nearing 40). My kids graze a lot as well as eat their full meals and are on the skinny side, just like I was (quite tall though).

[NannyR]

I agree that children need to snack occasionally, but having snacks available on demand and constant grazing isn't a great habit to get them into.

I take the two year old I look after to a sports class, it lasts for half an hour at 9.30 in the morning. Last week the coach was getting quite exasperated at nearly half the class sitting at the side eating snack bars, raisins, crisps etc, distracting the other kids who were trying to join in - why could they not wait until the class had finished?
I don't take a snack with me, if she's hungry she can have a snack when she gets home.

I've always thought that if you have a ready supply of attractive snacks in your bag, of course children are going to claim they are hungry and pester you for them, if you don't take anything with you they can be easily distracted. I take food with me if we are going to be out all day, but a mini cool bag full of snacks isn't necessary for a half hour class.

[Autumntoowet]

I agree with you op, at toddler group the children seem to eat non stop. Surely eating all the time isn't a good habit, even if the food is healthy?

Actually. Modern studies show that it is better to let babies and children regulate their eating habits based on appetite.
It starts with feeding on demand (milk) and then continues through toddlerhood to childhood and beyond.
My DCs nursery follow this and they have a snacking table available instead of set snack times

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's more the pressure for a typically non-snacking family culture to perform and provide snacks. My children love crisps and chocolate and all that sort of food. It's limited by amount because, delicious as it may be, it's not healthy in vast or regular quantities. If my friend doles out crisps to her children then she does for mine also. It's kind of her but frustrating for me at the same time. That's the issue really.

I don't want to be laden down with snacks every time we go out to do something, I really don't. Snacking is a habit. Some people can get away with eating what they want but others can't - and it's still just a habit if it's not an actual meal.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I have now even started taking similar snacks whenever we meet

So you now spend money on and take along food that you don't want your kids to eat? Bonkers!



Just have a frank talk with her about healthier food options. You don't have to be mean. Or have them come to you instead.

[tomatosoup4]

@dontlickthelamp I think some people think all snackers are fat. I've tried to put weight on for years I eat 4 meals a days and snack. I thought having kids might help (it didn't) some people are naturally skinny and all my kids have taken after me. My eldest works long hours and has a Chinese or some sort of takeaway on her way home every night. She's a size 8.