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AIBU?

To leave, step dad/DD

172 replies

pissedoff19 · 21/11/2019 10:19

Sorry this is a bit long! Name changed for this.


My DD 12 and my partner of 5 years don't get on, well they can be the best of friends then at each others throats 20minutes later, this has always been a bit of a issue but it's getting worse.


OH can be very moody and talks to people like they are shit on the bottom of his shoe, half the time I honestly don't think he realises. I must tell him on a daily basis to watch his shitty tone, not just to DD but to everyone. He can be very much on her back about little things, making a huge deal about things like, leaving a light on, been too loud etc, things that just happen when you have DC, where I am so much more laid back as a parent and feel these are non issues in the grand scheme of things, or if they need a reminder to do it gently rather than have a go. I want to get on with my children, not be that shitty parent constantly shouting at their kids.


DD can talk the same way back to him though, usually they are as bad as each other, but my argument is, she is the child, he is the adult/parent, and she's obviously learnt it from somewhere! She is also going through the thick of puberty so I expect some mood/lip from her and I can happily chalk it up to that, him on the other hand blows up about it.


Last night, it all blew up because she gave him some lip about going to bed (I was sorting out ill DS so don't know exactly what happened) usual argument from a kid in my eyes, well he kicked off big time, snatched a book she was reading out of her hands and told her to fuck off, DD is left in tears, shout him to come take over with DS and I can sort DD. He came in with a face of thunder telling me he's had enough and he's leaving us all, I flipped and kicked him out of the house. He's gone to his mum, within 30 mins I'm having messages saying he's sorry and I'm right.


I'm sick to fuck of all of this, when we all get on its great, I love him to bits and I know he loves us, but there's always this issue in the background, I always feel on edge when that the next argument it's going to start, it can be ok for months then blow up. I can only see it getting worse when DD is older and the inevitable teenage mood swings/problems start.
DS is still a toddler but I can see it been the same with him and all I can see is a life time of playing referee.

Is this just the way step parenting is? I never got on with my step dad, and friends I've spoken to have said the same. But this isn't sitting right with me and I feel like I am damaging my children letting this go on.

OP posts:
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CustomerCervixDepartment · 21/11/2019 23:10

*live with

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Yesmate · 21/11/2019 23:27

Any man that spoke to my child like that would never have the opportunity to speak to them or myself again.

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Mushypeasandchipstogo · 21/11/2019 23:39

You would be failing as a mum if you DIDN’T kick him out for good. Anyone who tells a 12 year old to fuck off is not normal.

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Lhastingsmua · 21/11/2019 23:48

Get rid.

Children should not be expected to behave as impeccably as adults. Children should be disciplined yes, but not constantly verbally abused in their own home over such petty things.

He’s awful. The “nice” him isn’t the real him, it’s just a facade.

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Wherecanwegetoff123 · 22/11/2019 00:52

Please choose your daughter. My mum chose her 3rd husband over me. Same story as yours. Guess what... She doesn't have me any more. And she ended up divorcing the bastard anyway. He hit me when I was 16. So I went to my godmothers. When I came back my mum made me apologise to him....!

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Slappadabass · 22/11/2019 08:44

I will choose her. The last thing I would ever want is to loose her, it would kill me. The sadness has kicked in today, this is going to be the hard part, it was easy when I was angry.

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Yesmate · 22/11/2019 08:47

Please don’t be sad. This man will do nothing but flip flop between his moods and make you all miserable for the rest of your lives.
Don’t be sad for putting your children first.

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2019 09:07

The sadness is understandable.

Do you have any real-life support?

How is your DD doing in all of this?

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Slappadabass · 22/11/2019 09:30

I have my mum and a friend I could speak to, but i haven't yet, haven't mentioned it to anyone. I feel too tired to go through it all with anyone. My mum is coming over today to look after DC for a few hours so I will have to tell her then.


DD is upset, she said she feels sad and confused. I think that's because they do get on and I think they genuinely love each other so it's confusing for her.

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Whatsername7 · 22/11/2019 10:08

That is exactly why I suggested relate. Your dd is going to be sad. Help 'uncoupling' from a professional will help her to realise it isnt her fault. You can still have therapy even if you split. You need to find a way forward without it getting nasty or that will do more damage. Good luck.

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Annasgirl · 22/11/2019 10:11

HI OP, just want to offer support.

Of course both you and your DD are sad - you are mourning the loss of the potential relationship (the ideal we all imagine) that you believe you could have had if only he had changed. Sadly, this was not the real relationship. Let yourselves mourn but also, ensure that you both realise that this was a toxic relationship for both of you and you needed to stop it. That way your DD will not repeat the cycle in the future.

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Wherecanwegetoff123 · 22/11/2019 10:13

Is he the father to your other child op?

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Slappadabass · 22/11/2019 10:20

Thank you for the support.

Yes he is my DS's dad.

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Slappadabass · 22/11/2019 10:22

I will look into relate too.

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Slappadabass · 22/11/2019 10:30

I just spoke to him.


He said he wants to stay at his mum's until he's sorted, he doesn't want to be like this anymore and wants to learn to handle situations better and doesn't want to be constantly shouting. He said he will get some help. He will do anything not to loose us all.


The good thing is, he said his mum has agreed with me, so I think been told it by someone else has also made him realise it's not right.


I said he was just telling me what he thinks I want to hear so he can come home, he said he doesnt want to come home until he is sorted as he is just as sick of all of this as I am. He will come tonight to see DS (DD will be at her dad's) and will return to his mum's no arguments as he doesn't want the kids moved around (it's technically his house not mine)


Maybe he's just saying whatever he thinks it will take to get us back, I don't know. I will see if anything comes of it or if it's all talk I suppose.

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/11/2019 10:34

Flowers Sending hugs and a handhold. I’m sure it is a confusing time for you and your dd. My Ds1 was 12 when I ended my marriage to his stepdad. It was a process for both of us, and we’ve had times over the last five years where different stuff has come out. But we’ve made a lovely life as a three, and ds2 still has contact with his dad. I decided though that I wasn’t going to introduce another man into their lives, so I don’t date (I don’t miss it) and if I did it would be separate from the children.

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Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/11/2019 11:34

I'm a stepmother - now a stepgranny - and we're very close.

This is because DH and I had many discussions about parenting both at the start of our relationship and throughout so we were on the same page and I always took my tone from DH. She was his DD, FFS.

Your DP is showing massive disrespect of your standards as a mother. You should be setting the boundaries and he should be following your lead.

I wouldn't have him back - I don't think he's going to change from your description - but if you do want him back you need to get a serious undertaking from him that in terms of discipline you call the shots.

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Yesmate · 22/11/2019 11:39

Men like this make me sick. So now you’ve kicked him out and his Mum has talked to him he has realised that his anger and behaviour is wrong.
Please don’t fall for it. Even if you want him back, the way he spoke to your DD is disgusting and will happen again.

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Thurmanmurman · 22/11/2019 12:20

Nobody would speak to my children like that and be living under the same roof. He's a cock.

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Lunde · 22/11/2019 15:07

I wouldn't go to relate at all - it's not a relationship problem it's his anger management issues that are the problem. If he truly wants to sort himself out then he needs to organise his own anger management counselling.

I would never allow someone with anger issues to have any future contact with dd - why should she walk on eggshells at home, fearing that he will come into her bedroom to verbally abuse her.

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CustomerCervixDepartment · 23/11/2019 10:47

If he manages to not abuse his boss, colleagues or people in the street, then he can control himself just fine, and chooses to abuse little girls because he enjoys it. And all he has to do is spout some shit, pretend to be sorry and the little girls mother will continue to accept it and give him another ‘chance’. Appalling.
Is there anyone else who your daughter could live with namechanged OP, while you’re still with the boyfriend?

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Slappadabass · 23/11/2019 11:27

He's at his mum's. So no need for my DD to go anywhere.

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